Alien vs Hunter: Real Time Review

Alien vs Hunter: Real Time Review

Premise: An alien fights a hunter. In the woods. Plus also lasers.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1094162/


Asylum Home Entertainment: entertainment for homes.

Entertain me!

This review marks a historic occasion. It’s the first and only one I’ve written in the state of Arizona!

Aright, let’s run down the list, here -
Mini Tacos: Check
Drink: Check
Computer: Check
Chair: Check
Fabulously shitty movie: let’s hope so

“Hell you sounded like you just saw a massive extra-terrestrial vehicle imbedded half way into the mountainside … Oh, shit”

“This phone sucks!”
“Not as much as your MOM! Haha! Oh, wait, she’s dead…

“It wasn’t a bear!”
“Alien, whatever it is”
Maybe an…alien bear? A refugee from the Savage Planet perhaps?

*Alien attacks*
“Aggh, Chupacabra!”
I knew it, earth Chupacabras are from Space!

Lasers!

Robots!

Those things.

So far the sets have included…A room, another room, the woods and outside of a trailer. Thrifty.

Alright, near as I can tell, an alien crashed on earth and it’s being hunted by a robot. With lasers. Meanwhile, people keep going from a room, out into the forest, and back to the room deliberating on what they’re next move should be. Presumably their options being stay in the room, or venture back to the forest.

I don’t know why they’re all so intent on staying in the room, I mean, those windows look like they’re made out of glass, not the best protection against most types of alien.

Oh: Check!

What the fuck is a dede fiffer? Is that supposed to be a name?

Oh, for fucks fucking sake. This is just starting to get aggravating. People are just sitting in a room (a different one this time, though) arguing about things. Supposedly the alien is still out there being hunted by that robot. You know, the one with the lasers.

Something’s odd. Whenever they’re hiding in flimsy rooms composed of wood, drywall and glass the Alien is off and about, the second they leave the room, however, it’s on their asses like an obese junkie on a cupcake filled with heroin. Based on this observation I put forth the proposition that this alien is afflicted with a fatal allergy to…rooms! I guess?

Striking fear into the hearts of aliens across the galaxy

Laserbot is on the prowl. Prepare to meet your lasery, laser abundant doom!

Who the fuck does this guy think he is? Bert Gummer? Huh? You think you’re Bert Gummer, do ya? Huh? Is that what you think? Yeah? Really? Well guess what! You;re no Bert Gummer! There’s only one Bert Gummer you Bert Gummer wannabe son of a bitch, and his name is Bert Fucking Gummer!

Alien on Hunter action the likes of which I’ve never before witnessed! Mostly because I’ve not seen this movie before.

Haha! He laser fucked that alien! Those laser beams may have well have been long purple colored translucent penises composed of monochromatic, coherent, light. I'm smart.

Flying through the air at the speed of a laser.

Robot: “Prepare to taste the fanciful power of my Laser gadget, mortal!”
Dude: “Fanciful?”
*Pew pew*

Have I mentioned that this “hunter” robot looks like a medieval night wearing a Vietnamese coolie hat? And I’m pretty sure it’s part of his head, and not just an accessory. Honestly, what’s the point of the hat? Sensetive eyes?

Now instead of alternating between the room and the forest every 45 seconds, they’re alternating between the forest and these supposed “underground tunnels”. Really, though, the "underground tunnels" just look like a different, shittier, room. So far the entire movie has been a group of two people moving from one set to another. And so far there’ve only been like 5 different sets. Like I said, thrifty.

This is seriously the 14th most boring movie I’ve seen that involves aliens and robots fighting that also stars William Katt. Yeah, he's been in 14 of these fucking things. Look it up.

Don't actually look it up, though.

What the fuck is Hunter doing out here anyway, hunting aliens? That’s not his job, he needs to leave that shit up to the professionals.

The professionals

Ok, so people are either wandering aimlessly through “underground tunnels” or a separate group of people are wandering, not quite as aimlessly, mind you, through the forest. The people in the forest at least have guns, so that’s kind of less astoundingly boring. Actually, no, it’s all the same level of boring.

This. Movie. Sucks. Ass. It has lasers, robots and aliens and it still manages to suck. Almost worse than anything I’ve ever witnessed before. May God strike all who were involved with this film dead, as well as their entire families. Dead by bear mauling. And not grizzly bears, either. That’d be too good for them. No, not grizzly bears, but…uhh…Cinnamon Bears! A subspecies of the American Black Bear, dubbed Cinnamon bear after it’s red-brown fur, reminiscent in color to the popular culinary spice.

Imagine one of these fuckers eating your family. You don't want to, do you?

This movie is worse than a moose fart channeled through the rotting corps of a Guamanian cab driver. And anyone who has smelled that knows how bad that is.

I’m going to drown myself in the kitchen sink. If God doesn’t want me to die he will shut the movie off before I do so… Aw, fuck it. I don’t care enough about life at this point to kill myself.

The militant survivalist rounded up all his militant survivalist friends to hunt down and destroy the alien menaces.

“I hate cowboys”Another layer to the rich tapestry of characterization.

Fuck you.

It feels like I’ve been watching this movie for nine hours longer than I actually have been.

This guy just got lasered right in the gut. I like to think that these were the last words to go through his head…

I was caught
In the middle of a laser-beam track - Laser
I looked round
And I knew there was no turning back - Laser
My mind raced
And I thought what could I do - Laser
And I knew
There was no help, no help from you - Laser
Sound of the lasers
Beatin' in my heart
The laser of lasers
Tore me apart
I’ve been – laserstruck!

Thank you AC/DC


*Pew pew*
“Hey, you guys hear something?”
*Pew pew*
“Whoa! What the hell was that?!”
*Pew pew*
“Oh shit, lasers!

Lasers go "Pew" by the way

Were there really only eight people living in this fucking town?

Holy shit! It’s an invisible robot? With lasers?! Talk about the ultimate killing machine!

And it knows Judo!

I was gonna say…something. I can’t remember what itwas any more. I think this movie is marking me dumber the longeer I have am seeing it?. Maybre I dhould? d d, whay the werds why gio ma bran@ edeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee42

Oh, Christ, I think I almost went into a coma. What’s going on? Robots? What the fuck!?

Wait, did they kill the alien? It’s over? Oh, thank you Jesus! Thank you God! Thank you Buddah, Ra, Odin, Zeus, Billy Zane, whoever the fuck you are, just, thank you.

Hey, guess what? I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the second worst movie I’ve ever seen in my entire life

Whoa…wait…so the robot was just a dude dressed as a robot? From another planet? That speaks English? Aw, fuck it. I am so far past the point of caring. I’m just glad it’s over.

.

The Dentist: Real Time Review

The Dentist: Real Time Review

Premise: A documentary chronicling Corbin Bernsen’s tragic early foray in the field of Oral Health.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0116075/


This Dentist doesn’t just clean your teeth. He cleans…YOUR SOUL!! And he kills you, too. But that’s just incidental, really.

Corbin Bernsen of Nash Bridges and Ken Foree of Keenan and Kel star together for the first and last time!

“I had a beautiful wife, a beautiful home. We had a perfect life together” You’re wife is sucking off the pool guy in the back yard; you’re a psychotic dentist. Perfect? By all reasonable definitions, as close to it as you can get.

“Things are going to hell around here! This has got to stop!” Shut your face and go brush your fucking teeth for the 18th time today you jerk off.

THE DENTIST: “You were dressed like that in front of the pool man?”
Wife of THE DENTIST: “ I was wearing a robe”
THE DENTIST: “You gotta be careful!”
Yeah, she might accidentally fall onto the pool guy’s coincidentally erect and exposed penis. Happens all the time.

Oh… Doctor Feinstone. Excuse me Doctor, I guess I was under the false impression that you were a dentist.

Jerk.

Imperfect teeth make him CRrRaZY!

Jesus Christ this Pool Guy’s got quite a little racket going on here with these Suburban house wives…How do you go about getting a job cleaning pools anyway?

A positive dental experience is very important. You know what key to having a positive dental experience is? Not being murdered.

What a gas huffing nut bag. All dentists are the same I tell ya

Probably dentists

I’m kind of confused. Does he really know his wife is fucking the pool cleaner or is he just assuming? Seems a bit extreme, going absolutely bat-fuck fuck crazy over an assumption.

Fucking overreacting parents. Bleeding and extreme pain is what dentistry is all about. It’s best the kid learns it early in life.

I wonder why they never made a killer optometrist movie. He could have spikes in those lens thingies that shoot out, and acidic eye drops and stuff. And instead of lasers that correct your vision he can have lasers that cut off your face!

And here’s Mark Ruffalo in his break out role as…what the fuck is he supposed to be? A pimp?

Some beauty pageant contestant (prostitute) is going to the dentists accompanied by Mark Ruffalo (in his break out role), to have her teeth cleaned. I wish more prostitutes would do likewise

What was that strange substance all over his crotch? It looked like vomit. How did it get in his pants? Do dentists vomit from their crotch? I knew I should have watched that Animal Planet special about Dentists.

He’s finger face fucking this passed out beauty queen. I find it quite hard to believe most dentists don’t do this when they have the chance, what with all of them being sociopaths and all.

He thought he was making out with his wife but apparently he strangled and partially undressed some random patient. Talk about awkward.

Now she’s calling for Steve. Apparently Steve is Mark Ruffalo, her pimp.

Oh, Client, eh? Is that what you call it? And I take it you’re her “manager” too right?

The Dentist was groping his “client” without paying the standard fee of 46 dollars and 57 cents. Ruffalo is gonna have to pop one in this dentist’s ass with his gold plated Colt .45. No need to play around Ruffalo, we all know what you are; go ahead and bust out the long brimmed felt hat with the peacock feather and the purple, tiger stripped zoot suit. Throw in some gold chains and a long mink coat while you’re at it. Embrace your profession!

This is Mark Ruffalo

And this is was a pimp is supposed to look like

THE DENTIST: “You don’t understand the lack of respect in a world that goes on ignoring dental hygiene!” Yeah…that’s the problem, alright. I guess you'll just have to take out everyone's teeth, that way they'll have no way to disrespect the teeth they don't have or the dentists they no longer need. Do it.

I gotta tell you, this movie’s scared me straight. From now on I’m gonna start brushing my teeth way more. Like at least 4 times a week or so. Might even floss on occasion. I’ll never have to go to the dentist again! Fucker’s not stringing my teeth on his trophy necklace, the filthy savage.

Twist and Yank. Twist and Yank. That’s what it’s all about. Remember that and it’ll be a breeze. You just gotta twist and yank! See! Like that! Corbin Bernsen’s really got his Twist/Yank method down. It's all in the wrist, see. Sturdy set of pliers doesn't hurt, either.

Corbin Bernsen plays a fondle happy, teeth ripping clean freak psycho dentist who more than likely has a severe Nitrous Oxide addiction like no one else could. Maybe it's because he's not playing a role at all. . .

You be the judge

Jerky. Is. Good. I like it a lot. It’s really expensive though. I guess the Jerkying process takes a lot of money. But it’s worth it.

“I could ask her when she wakes up” hahaha! That is so NOT TRUE! She can’t talk anymore! What the hell man?! He just pulled her teeth and cut her tongue out. Does he not remember this? Why would he say that if he knows it’s not true? Oh, I see, If he told the cops that he might get in trouble. Well played, Denty McStabbins.

Goddamn pool cleaners. Always stealing honest dentists wives away.

It almost seems as if he’s had experience stabbing people before. Who am I kidding? He’s a dentist, of course he has.

Probably a dentist

He’s tortured the bejeezus out of his wife and stabbed the unholy fuck out of her pool boy fuck buddy. Now it’s back to business. The business of dentinizing the innocent masses!

Don’t question The Dentist damn you! He’s in the middle of a procedure, can’t you see!

“I’m going to report you to the dental association!”
Yeah, that’ll teach him. Or you could just, you know? Call the cops. Seeing as he’s torturing and molesting patients. Seems like something they oughta be clued in on.

Guess you can’t now. What with you being dead and such.

Cop: “when are you gonna see a dentist about that tooth?”
Ken Foree: “I’d rather live with the pain”
That Ken Foree is one smart motherfucker. Man, I wish Keenan and Kel was still on. I want some fucking orange soda.

I do!

What kind of a jerk-off blackmails a dentist then lies down and lets him work on his teeth? Especially a dentist that happens to be Corbin Bernsen, that’s twice as dangerously criminally insane as a normal dentist.

Haha, he’s drilling this guys tongue off. That’s what happens when you try to fight a drill with your tongue, ass-hat. The drill always wins. Always.

If you can’t afford to have a bad day then why are you killing off your nursing staff and torturing your patients? Not a very smart business move. I don’t think this guy is thinking straight. Oh, wait, he's a dentist, of course he's not.

Ken Foree: “He’s a dentist, they’re capable of anything”
Ken Foree speaks the truth!

Fuck Dentists: A PSA from Ken Foree

Now he’s speaking some kind of satanic dentist language. Or is that Finnish? I can’t tell the difference. I think Dentists originated from Scandinavia, they have the crazy Viking torture blood running through they’re veins, that’s the problem.

The first dentist

Now for the obligatory final chase scene. Some girl who’s dying to get her braces out might do just that…get her braces out… when he blows her fucking teeth from her head with his little James Bond gun. God, what a puny little hand-gun, no wonder your wife started fucking the pool cleaner.

He’s going to shoot her in the mouth! Well, at least you won’t need braces anymore. That’s a plus, right?

“You can’t hide, not from your Dentist. I know where you are!”
He’s not fucking around, Dentists can smell fear. And tarter.

“Why didn’t you answer when I called you Sarah?”
Because you’re a Dentist? Oh, and a serial killer, but mostly the first reason.

“Please Doctor Feinstone!”
Yeah, don’t call him "Mister Feinstone" or he’ll flip out…more so than he already has, that is.

They made a bargain. She’ll brush her teeth three times and day and never eat candy again and he won’t shoot her in the face. Seems like a fair trade to me.

Alright, I’ve been fucking around so far but it’s time to get serous. Did you know every serial killer in recorded history has had at least one book on dentistry in their possesion, and at some point tried to pursue a career in the field? Furthermore, 89.64% of the missing people in America were last reported seen at a dentist’s office. These are facts, queerbos. Breath it in. It's just a small sampling of the tons and tons of docmented evidence that proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that all dentists are are brain-shitting wackaboos, jerking off nightly to the thought of killing you and everyone you love and then grinding your teeth into a paste to use as lube to do weird things to your dead body. Yeah. Knowing, fuckers, it's half the battle. The other half is going to take place when you inevitibaly find yourself in a life or death struggle with a pack of foaming-at-the-mouth nut-bag dentists. Take it from me, a gun beats a drill any day of the fucking week. Except for Tuesdays for some reason.

Probably dentists

Oh, and you think Dentists are bad? I don’t even want to think about Orthodontists.

I guess I’ll just go ahead and cut out my wisdom teeth myself, then. I suggest you do like me and put together a emergency home tooth-care kit. Essential items include: vodka, razor blades, needle nosed pliers, whipped cream chargers, and lots and lots of banana peels.

Or I'll fucking kill you!

Skeeter: Real Time Review

Skeeter: Real Time Review

Premise: Giant mosquitoes! Well, maybe a little.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0108154/


Doooooooooooooooooo Do do do do do do do do do do do do… That was the New Line music. I love that music.

Skeeter? You mean Doug’s friend? What, he’s killing people now? Man, it’s always the blue ones.

"No, Penis, I told you I don't want to kill my friends!"

Seriously, how many trucks carrying toxic waste drive across this country every year? At the rate of which they crash and cause giant insect related indiscriminate killing and slaughter you’d think they’d find a more effective means of transportation.

He’s being chased by a helicopter…with yellow tinted windows?

Well, I guess that’s one way to get away from giant mosquitoes. Another, perhaps more effective, method would have been turning left at the gorge instead of driving right into it with your motor bike. Just a thought.

Badasses checklist: Welding torch - Check, Aviator Sunglasses - Check, Leather Jacket - Check, Motorcycle - Check, shirt - fuck you!

Shirts: Just for pussies

Fuck helmets! Aviators are plenty protection. Plus a helmet would ruin that sculpted do of his

That guy was in Scrooged! Man, I wish I was watching Scrooged right now. But only if it had mutant killer giant mosquitoes. Which it doesn’t. So I guess I’d rather be watching this.

“She’s gonna love being dead”
That’s what every grieving family member wants to hear. I’ll need to remember that for my next funeral.

I predict Sarah and Deputy Shirtless McAwesome will be getting it on something fierce sometime later.

Sweet fuck-sauce, it’s that fucking evil industrialist land developer. I hate that fucker so much!

Townsfolk are disappearing at an alarming rate.

“I lose cows all the time”
And so are cows, apparently.

I can certainly understand losing a cow, masters of disguise and evasion that they are.

They're like super fat ninjas

“If you need anything just let us know”
Maybe some more cows?

Man, those mosquitoes aren’t even big. I could totally take those mosquitoes. It’d be like a giant human fighting a bunch of flying murder-bot cyborgs shaped like over sized mutant mosquitoes, but not quite.

Deputy Studly McLongcock: “How you holding up?”
Translation: how about I comfort you with my unit?

Grieving daughter/Love interest: “I just wish she was here” **cries**
Deputy: “This is so in the bag, score!”
Grieving Daughter/Love interest: “What?”
Deputy: “Nothing! Here, let me hold you…”

Contaminated peyote? That Indians going nuts on contaminated peyote?! Aw, lucky!

“It’s alright”
Monstersquitoes ate her dad’s blood to death, so…I guess it depends on which definition of the word “alright” you’re going by.

“What the hell is with tucker”
He’s tripping the fuck out, that’s what!

Cow’s go Moo. Moose go something else. I don’t know why Moose don’t go moo. That would make more sense. From now on, cows go cow and moose go moo. I don’t give a fuck what anyone else says.

Say 'moo' fucker!

This little, trollish looking old man is letting a mutant mosquito suck his blood. He seems to be having an orgasm. Oh, now I seem to be having an orgasm as well. Damn, didn’t see that coming.

“And get my gun rusty?” Jesus, sexual innuendos left and right. What kind of a pervert would write this movie?

Touch her boob! Just give it a quick poke. Like the Pillsbury dough-boy!

You sexy little bastard

What is this? Some kind of Cow expert? Trying to analyze the cow drinking water to see what’s causing the cows to die? Man, that sucks about the cows. I like cows. Cows are cool. Sure wish all the cows would stop dying. I wonder if those giant mosquitoes have anything to do with the recent decline in the cow population? Probably not, everyone knows Mosquitoes much prefer the blood of the four-legged checker spotted morilla.

Two drunken fishermen are arguing about what attacked them when they were out drinking and fishermen-ing.
Drunken Fisherman No. 1 “It was a vampire bat!”
Drunken Fisherman No. 2 “It was killer ducks!”
How do you mistake a killer duck for a vampire bat? I mean, how do you mistake a vampire bat for a giant mosquito? Wait, what’s happening? Jack Daniels? Where?!

They all look the same to Jack

This is much too similar to one of those economic conspiracy thrillers, only with occasional appearances from Radioactive Mosquitoes.

Haha! You hit a tree! 10 points! Now go find a pregnant lady!

“Gotta go drain the vein”
(Alternate Tag-line) They’re gonna drain your vein! Could be the tag-line for the porno spin-off , too.

I knew it!

God fucking damnit this movie sucks. This movie sucks hard. A bunch of stupid fucking people have spent the last 40 minutes talking about cows and shit. And SHIT! There’ve been one or two random mosquito related blood drainings, but besides that, almost no mosquito Acton at all. Just stupid fucking people talking to each other about stupid fucking shit. Mostly about cows. This movie is supposed to be about mosquitoes, for fucks sake! Not cows! Not people! Mosquitoes! I don’t want to see a cow or a person for the rest of the movie unless they’re getting their eyes sucked out of their fucking skulls by a giant mutant mosquito’s face spike sucking tube. You hear me! No more anything about contaminated water! Contaminated mosquitoes! You hear me you fuck sacks?! MOSQUITOES!!! NOW!!! NOW!!!!! FUCK! I don’t give two tea spoons of cock sauce about this evil industrialists diabolical plot to do shit that I don’t care about! Fuck this movie! I’m gonna kill it with my bare fucking hands! I don’t know how and I don’t care. I’ll fucking do it, I swear! I’ll pummel it until it doesn’t know the meaning of the word “cow”! FUCK COWS! DIE!!!!!!!!!!! AAGH!

A visual representation of my rage

An evil property developer is killing anyone that gets in the way of his evil property development plans and just tried to have the deputy murdered by his evil henchmen, the sheriff is corrupt, the water is contaminated, cows are dying left and right, the town is going to hell, and, oh, yeah, there just so happen to be one or two giant man-hungry mosquitoes flying around killing people every once and a while.

I think stabbing myself in the thigh would be more entertaining than watching this movie. With a red-hot meat fork. Actually, I know it would be more entertaining. At least I would be emotionally involved with stabbing myself. Know what I’m not emotionally involved in? This movie, that’s what!

And have I mentioned that the giant mosquitoes aren’t even that giant? They’re about as big as a medium sized flashlight with wings and face spikes and little insect legs and shit like that. Come to think of it, they don’t look much like flashlights at all, actually.

No. Not even a little

“I’ve seen enough of this”
I’ve seen enough of you’re face, dick-cheese!

Weld his filthy evil industrialist mouth shut, you welding wonder wizard, you! Do it! Don’t let your skills go to waste!

Way to drive! Yeah! Nice! You’re an awesome driver!

Psst, He’s not a good driver at all.

Deputy Mosquito Masher is going flame thrower crazy on a bunch of mosquitoes. Mutant mosquitoes at that. This is the first time mosquitoes have been on screen for longer than 30 seconds. Things must be looking up! Too bad there’s probably only like 5 minutes left in the movie. Actually, thank Christ there’s only 5 minutes left in the movie!

Burn mother fuckers! BURN! YEAH!

Squeeze em’! Squeeze em’ like little baby kittens! Squeeze them until their warm brain juices flow down your pants!

Asshole

Deputy I’m Too Tired to Think of a Nickname: “I’m not going, Sarah”
Me: “I don’t give a fuck”
Deputy I’m Too Tired to Think of a Nickname: “This is my town”
Me: “Shut up!”
Deputy I’m Too Tired to Think of a Nickname: “I want to see this through to the end”
Me: “Why couldn’t you just let the mosquitoes liberate you of your fluids? My life would be so much better”
Deputy I’m Too Tired to Think of a Nickname: “I’ll catch up with you real soon”
Me: "Die and go to mosquito hell, you mother fucker!

Oh, it’s actually over. Well, now what am I supposed to do. I guess I could harass my cat for a couple of hours, that’s always fun.