tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34386793665060118482024-03-12T17:12:45.099-08:00Space Bears and Zombie Midgets: The Real Time Review BlogFor years now I've been writing these things called "Real Time Reviews" and posting them on various on-line message boards. They're basically a series of comments I write down while watching an especially shitty movie. This will be their new online home.TheDamnedThinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09028583081894515922noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438679366506011848.post-55707306253716733122009-10-02T02:31:00.002-08:002009-10-02T02:34:04.357-08:00Zombi 4: Real Time Review<span style="font-weight: bold;">Zombi 4: Real Time Review</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Premise: </span>Voodoo. Zombies. Chest Hair.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094620/">http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094620/</a><br /><br /><br />Some awful Voodoo zombie bitch is puking nasty looking goo all over her self and then she dies. Movie off to a good start<br /><br />I’m beginning to think that the movies in this series have no consistency.<br /><br />That voodoo witch doctor has flabby man tits<br /><br />Uh Oh another one of those pesky “Doors to hell” has been opened.<br /><br />The vomiting voodoo zombie bitch from the start came back to life and flew out of the ground with super strength. Yay!!<br /><br />Wow this is some terrible dialogue. I’m laughing at it. LAUGHING!!!<br /><br />Haha some dude got his face pulled the fuck off! Nice.<br /><br />Wow this movie sure doesn’t waste any time, we just jumped right into it. Voodoo, zombies, vomit, deface-ification. No warm up or anything.<br /><br />Voodoo zombie bitch crushed some dudes head. Pretty much right off the bat three, no - no make that four people have suffered massive head trauma. This movie is definitely off to a better start than the previous.<br /><br />Holy Nuts! This just doesn’t let up! Some other dude just got his throat bit out! It still sucks, but I’ll be damned if I’m not entertained.<br /><br />Ok a bunch of cloaked zombies came out of nowhere and bit this chick to death. That brings the death toll to 6 and it’s been what? Eleven minutes? This movie ROCKS!<br /><br />This still isn’t making much since but who the shit cares?<br /><br />Introducing the main characters and playing a song I think I first heard in one of the Rocky movies. I don’t think I care about any of these people. I want them all to die.<br /><br />This movie has gone so down hill. the first eleven minuets had torn off faces, broken necks, gun shot wounds, zombie voodoo puke all over everything and now its been a solid five minutes of nothing. The final score is steadily dropping.<br /><br />More fist fighting zombies just like the last one. And the funniest look of shock I’ve ever seen as some dude discovers that the thing he just KOed was actually a cloaked zombie. That would be pretty shocking.<br /><br />They’re trying to explain why there are a bunch of zombies running around on the island. It’s all pointless. I wish they’d show some exploding heads or something. I’m coming down from my gore fix and it’s not gunna be pretty (leaving to get a bucket and a mop).<br /><br />They found a stash of guns. Those’ll come in handy for blowing off heads, now get to it already!<br /><br />This one soldier guy has a very, very hairy chest…I'm simutenously highly disturbed and highly envious.<br /><br /><br />“The Book of the Dead? come on, try reading some”<br />“No, don’t do it, you might release evil forces”<br />Nice to see someone is thinking logically.<br /><br /><br />Finally some more people got zombifucked (my special word for when people get fucked up by zombies) one guy got his head bit off and then some chick got touched to death, they didn’t really do anything to her, they just kinda…like, grabbed at her face for a little while and she died…I guess.<br /><br />Hairy chested soldier was about to make out with some hot lady before getting epically cock-blocked by an angry zombie. Chest-hair got pissed off and started yelling and people were screaming and zombies and some dude came out and all of this doesn’t matter because FINALLY someone got there head blown off! YES!<br /><br />These zombies jump through the air and fist fight like professional stunt men.<br /><br />They also have an odd tendency to stand still for extended periods of time.<br /><br />Tommy jumps out from behind a curtain with his decomposing face practically peeling off his skull, puking green slime and growling like a grizzly bear in a cheez itz factory and someone thinks to inquire: “Tommy what’s happened to you?” Not surprisingly Tommy fails to respond, maybe the green slime that is constantly streaming out of his mouth is impeding his speech, but I have this nutty idea that it actually has more to do with the fact that HE’S A FUCKING ZOMBIE!!!!!!!<br /><br />Hairy chested soldier flipped his shit, jumped over a wall of flames and killed a whole crowd of zombies with the butt of his rifle.<br /><br />All the zombies stop moving and one of the dumbshits says something to the effect of: “Don’t shoot they’re not moving”, Now I’m no Navy Seal or anything but wouldn’t be easiest to shoot something while it's not moving?<br /><br />Hairy chested soldier dude got killed by the zombies. Good now I won’t have to look at is Sean Connery-esque chest beard anymore.<br /><br />Oh, Jesus Christ! He's back as a zombie. Is this movie fucking with me? Well at least his hair is less prominent, but now he has two massive holes where his nipples should be, which is even more disturbing. Why would the zombies eat his nips? I really shouldn't be thinking about this.<br /><br />Hairy soldier zombie just shot one of his soldier friends in the leg and ate him. That hairy bastard just won’t stay down!!!!<br /><br />The guy who Hairy Zombie No-nips bit asked to be shot so he wouldn’t come back but they didn’t do it. Instead they covered his body with a sheet and turned there backs on him apparently confident in the sheets ability to restrain zombies.<br /><br />There confidence was misplaced. He came back from the dead and shot the black guys knee-caps out. I told you that sheet was never gunna hold him!<br /><br />The black guy makes a valiant last stand, reminds me of a Friday the 13th movie.<br /><br />Haha! Black Guy just blew the fuck out of those zombie bastards! It’s funny though, they’re smart enough to talk and use guns and run and jump through the air, but they just stand there when a grenade is about to go off.<br /><br />The two leads are running away from the zombie horde, here’s hoping they trip and fall into the ocean and get eaten by sharks. I wanna watch Jaws again.<br /><br />A zombie just punched through the lead guys chest and the lead girls hair and eyes started falling out then she turned into a zombie. A fitting end brings the movie up a bit in my book.TheDamnedThinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09028583081894515922noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438679366506011848.post-91530928416011581732009-10-02T02:25:00.002-08:002009-10-02T02:30:57.311-08:00Zombi 3: Real Time Review<span style="font-weight: bold;">Zombi 3: Real Time Review<br /><br />Premise: </span>All of the best things about life converge on film.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096511/">http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096511/</a><br /><br /><br />Great, great, fucking music!<br /><br />Those birds sure look real.<br /><br />I think they’re trying a bit too hard to make this dude out to be the “evil military guy” what with all the “Kill all the people in the contaminated area and bury them in a mass grave” talk. Funny how he specifies “mass”, what other kind of grave would it be with dozens and dozens of corpses in it?<br /><br />Pulsating wounds creep me out<br /><br />Stop walking backwards you stupid knob. Fucker was walking backwards for about 46 seconds straight.<br /><br />What the fuck?! How is a severed zombie head flying through the air? Why would it be that? What the fuck is that shit? What the fuck?!<br /><br />“I’m feeling better Patricia, but I’m thirsty, for your blood!!!”<br />Wow. Just, wow.<br /><br />So these zombies can fight and talk and even make threats, too. A zombie dude and a normal dude zombie are fighting. This is the first movie I’ve seen where a zombie punches a guy in the face.<br /><br />A zombie just jumped off a bed and hurled himself through a second story window…sweet.<br /><br />Exploding head equals higher rating from me!<br /><br />How did that zombie get on the ceiling? And under the dock? and in the wall? What the fuck is this? a zombie fun house?<br /><br />Some guy threw a zombie off of a five foot drop onto wet sand and killed it. Sand's really not that hard. It's actually fairly soft. Few things would die from falling a short distance on to sand. These zombies being one of those things. These zombies are weak. But they are resourceful, I’ll give em’ that.<br /><br />Another exploding head makes this almost worth my time.<br /><br />Don’t tell me that Duck is a zombie too!<br /><br />Some guy who’s name I don’t remember is about to get shot and I’m supposed to care…I don’t.<br /><br />This scientist always seems to be struggling to remember what he was going to say next. His facial expressions are interesting as well, his performance is the best thing about this movie. Outside of the exploding heads and zombie fist fights of course.<br /><br />Dumb Bitch #1: “It’s a creepy sound lest go explore even though there are only two of us, you’ve got a broken leg and can barley walk by yourself and we’ve only got a shovel for defense”<br />Dumb bitch #2: “Hell yes!”<br /><br />Pregnant women in zombie epidemic - sounds like it should end well<br /><br />Three soldiers in HAZMAT suits are holding guns on two unarmed guys. The armed soldiers decide to kill the unarmed men and come upon the conclusion that the best course of action is to throw down there weapons!?!?! And karate fight them?!?! While the third gun totting solider sits back watching and mocking the other two soldier’s feeble karate skills. I just spit Iced tea all over EVERYTHING!<br /><br />HAHA! The pregnant woman ended as well as I thought it would. Definitely brings the movie up a notch or two.<br /><br />Unarmed men pick up the soldiers guns and kill them all. Serves them right.<br /><br />“There’s no stopping them even though they’ll die from being shot in the little toe and they walk at about an 8th of the speed we do!!”<br /><br />Why? Why were there zombies hiding under a pile of hay? Did six people crawl under a pile of hay to die? Or did they die somewhere else, become zombie and then decide “hey lets all six of us crawl under a pile of hay and wait there. that way when some unsuspecting people run by we can pop up right under em’!!! Great idea, right?” and I wouldn't put it past these zombies to actually do that.<br /><br />Another guy who’s name I don’t remember is about to get shot I think I’m supposed to care about this one too but I still don’t.<br /><br />That fucking DJ became a zombie at the end, I can’t even think of anything to say.<br /><br />Shit music is plays over the ending credits. Fits with the rest of the film alright.TheDamnedThinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09028583081894515922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438679366506011848.post-47558620088019436772009-09-30T01:30:00.006-08:002009-09-30T17:21:13.758-08:00Alien vs Hunter: Real Time Review<span style="font-weight: bold;">Alien vs Hunter: Real Time Review</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Premise:</span> An alien fights a hunter. In the woods. Plus also lasers.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1094162/">http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1094162/</a><br /><br /><br />Asylum Home Entertainment: entertainment for homes.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRp_6hHgPTka5oUg5x4eRx2r916PiifMfLYvdhUPLq_jjoSNqLUBZ9fjfQhS6i-wI8QK_oAZsGm8uHGKKvSUFAXMaikmoQhyehpjE8BSHJ9yRSIvt5eFiMrzeM3qVqYCJ7kcziIts-UfmZ/s1600-h/house1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRp_6hHgPTka5oUg5x4eRx2r916PiifMfLYvdhUPLq_jjoSNqLUBZ9fjfQhS6i-wI8QK_oAZsGm8uHGKKvSUFAXMaikmoQhyehpjE8BSHJ9yRSIvt5eFiMrzeM3qVqYCJ7kcziIts-UfmZ/s320/house1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5387194003721639122" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Entertain me!</span></span><br /><br /></div><br />This review marks a historic occasion. It’s the first and only one I’ve written in the state of Arizona!<br /><br />Aright, let’s run down the list, here -<br />Mini Tacos: Check<br />Drink: Check<br />Computer: Check<br />Chair: Check<br />Fabulously shitty movie: let’s hope so<br /><br />“Hell you sounded like you just saw a massive extra-terrestrial vehicle imbedded half way into the mountainside … Oh, shit”<br /><br />“This phone sucks!”<br />“Not as much as your MOM! Haha! Oh, wait, she’s dead…<br /><br />“It wasn’t a bear!”<br />“Alien, whatever it is”<br />Maybe an…alien bear? A refugee from the Savage Planet perhaps?<br /><br />*Alien attacks*<br />“Aggh, Chupacabra!”<br />I knew it, earth Chupacabras are from Space!<br /><br />Lasers!<br /><br />Robots!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2Mo4UV68nNIw9UuJvNS3RK0pGaaWe3aV_oAXhsof87Pqu5n0SKDQuwUiyTyl_n0KZua_ajAr4Cxv2YEYyHNxO1exYYOMkLCNXxtnoRvYvIUsDo3bMt1n666E_PtM6XFwVo0YO0SVmc-hx/s1600-h/laser.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 284px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2Mo4UV68nNIw9UuJvNS3RK0pGaaWe3aV_oAXhsof87Pqu5n0SKDQuwUiyTyl_n0KZua_ajAr4Cxv2YEYyHNxO1exYYOMkLCNXxtnoRvYvIUsDo3bMt1n666E_PtM6XFwVo0YO0SVmc-hx/s320/laser.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5387193995872159250" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHjrkDYAAh5dOX-6JjeG5MOSc3GRBh89pv_78P6pZF1Im8oUp5ZO-BASpCQ2Y4Fva3EbLzJhicY_WmIjUHMPAc2pfU_g_0odUyLPPyp7NCR_GqgDiMYLBLzLkEF37JeazsG1dCR5jXxZib/s1600-h/strenco_steam_robot_1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 209px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHjrkDYAAh5dOX-6JjeG5MOSc3GRBh89pv_78P6pZF1Im8oUp5ZO-BASpCQ2Y4Fva3EbLzJhicY_WmIjUHMPAc2pfU_g_0odUyLPPyp7NCR_GqgDiMYLBLzLkEF37JeazsG1dCR5jXxZib/s320/strenco_steam_robot_1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5387193808710834690" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Those things.</span></span><br /><br /></div><br />So far the sets have included…A room, another room, the woods and outside of a trailer. Thrifty.<br /><br />Alright, near as I can tell, an alien crashed on earth and it’s being hunted by a robot. With lasers. Meanwhile, people keep going from a room, out into the forest, and back to the room deliberating on what they’re next move should be. Presumably their options being stay in the room, or venture back to the forest.<br /><br />I don’t know why they’re all so intent on staying in the room, I mean, those windows look like they’re made out of glass, not the best protection against most types of alien.<br /><br />Oh: Check!<br /><br />What the fuck is a dede fiffer? Is that supposed to be a name?<br /><br />Oh, for fucks fucking sake. This is just starting to get aggravating. People are just sitting in a room (a different one this time, though) arguing about things. Supposedly the alien is still out there being hunted by that robot. You know, the one with the lasers.<br /><br />Something’s odd. Whenever they’re hiding in flimsy rooms composed of wood, drywall and glass the Alien is off and about, the second they leave the room, however, it’s on their asses like an obese junkie on a cupcake filled with heroin. Based on this observation I put forth the proposition that this alien is afflicted with a fatal allergy to…rooms! I guess?<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCzq_Hc5M-I-YUn4vlwTF5ei_4RZyTLinGzNxLc-KFv9dJvN9OmXt7Mbo1rZ-BHQJtCi8IyAuvxhVm48b0lAf0QaZq7HhsnkXRLkwNhfjDZTDYKC4S1PpWNApAfBmlFZXWrOupsBJpTCQK/s1600-h/room_double_AB.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCzq_Hc5M-I-YUn4vlwTF5ei_4RZyTLinGzNxLc-KFv9dJvN9OmXt7Mbo1rZ-BHQJtCi8IyAuvxhVm48b0lAf0QaZq7HhsnkXRLkwNhfjDZTDYKC4S1PpWNApAfBmlFZXWrOupsBJpTCQK/s320/room_double_AB.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5387193801329013186" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Striking fear into the hearts of aliens across the galaxy</span></span><br /><br /></div><br />Laserbot is on the prowl. Prepare to meet your lasery, laser abundant doom!<br /><br />Who the fuck does this guy think he is? Bert Gummer? Huh? You think you’re Bert Gummer, do ya? Huh? Is that what you think? Yeah? Really? Well guess what! You;re no Bert Gummer! There’s only one Bert Gummer you Bert Gummer wannabe son of a bitch, and his name is Bert Fucking Gummer!<br /><br />Alien on Hunter action the likes of which I’ve never before witnessed! Mostly because I’ve not seen this movie before.<br /><br />Haha! He laser fucked that alien! Those laser beams may have well have been long purple colored translucent penises composed of monochromatic, coherent, light. I'm smart.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyTKtKnb8kL9otDVXFqqEenlbiactKhk85nPsbFhQrHYXhHFioJft3NAXj6OvW9wqs0sO1TYAPCSEVAtlx3qyaJyV9kXinXoaahnCLWgwWS-sEHHY9_HmeXBvpL7tDBHxgMO72O51_qOrM/s1600-h/31HM9ghSodL._AA280_.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 280px; height: 280px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyTKtKnb8kL9otDVXFqqEenlbiactKhk85nPsbFhQrHYXhHFioJft3NAXj6OvW9wqs0sO1TYAPCSEVAtlx3qyaJyV9kXinXoaahnCLWgwWS-sEHHY9_HmeXBvpL7tDBHxgMO72O51_qOrM/s320/31HM9ghSodL._AA280_.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5387194016270439906" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Flying through the air at the speed of a laser.</span></span><br /><br /></div><br />Robot: “Prepare to taste the fanciful power of my Laser gadget, mortal!”<br />Dude: “Fanciful?”<br />*Pew pew*<br /><br />Have I mentioned that this “hunter” robot looks like a medieval night wearing a Vietnamese coolie hat? And I’m pretty sure it’s part of his head, and not just an accessory. Honestly, what’s the point of the hat? Sensetive eyes?<br /><br />Now instead of alternating between the room and the forest every 45 seconds, they’re alternating between the forest and these supposed “underground tunnels”. Really, though, the "underground tunnels" just look like a different, shittier, room. So far the entire movie has been a group of two people moving from one set to another. And so far there’ve only been like 5 different sets. Like I said, thrifty.<br /><br />This is seriously the 14th most boring movie I’ve seen that involves aliens and robots fighting that also stars William Katt. Yeah, he's been in 14 of these fucking things. Look it up.<br /><br />Don't actually look it up, though.<br /><br />What the fuck is Hunter doing out here anyway, hunting aliens? That’s not his job, he needs to leave that shit up to the professionals.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzR-B2nCDbwscQHuYPzHCPHNe7mUEh8DFP6hxWKMo6rJm6Bik2MKvsmRosFTT6FWjRkoZWG0uZxp4yU4KaOIpMPn_qSCqM3MJM4tmuRqcYG3_JyAtB3PCfr1SQOcnrg8wS053faaYOLkRh/s1600-h/PREDATOR.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 198px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzR-B2nCDbwscQHuYPzHCPHNe7mUEh8DFP6hxWKMo6rJm6Bik2MKvsmRosFTT6FWjRkoZWG0uZxp4yU4KaOIpMPn_qSCqM3MJM4tmuRqcYG3_JyAtB3PCfr1SQOcnrg8wS053faaYOLkRh/s320/PREDATOR.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5387193792544802290" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">The professionals</span></span><br /><br /></div><br />Ok, so people are either wandering aimlessly through “underground tunnels” or a separate group of people are wandering, not quite as aimlessly, mind you, through the forest. The people in the forest at least have guns, so that’s kind of less astoundingly boring. Actually, no, it’s all the same level of boring.<br /><br />This. Movie. Sucks. Ass. It has lasers, robots and aliens and it still manages to suck. Almost worse than anything I’ve ever witnessed before. May God strike all who were involved with this film dead, as well as their entire families. Dead by bear mauling. And not grizzly bears, either. That’d be too good for them. No, not grizzly bears, but…uhh…Cinnamon Bears! A subspecies of the American Black Bear, dubbed Cinnamon bear after it’s red-brown fur, reminiscent in color to the popular culinary spice.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiOUI3xNzgZm8Q8CZ-lB_YadXjzFqAJQdlEKLuR5g1zw7Q7GI5BjSBey_YBie7nzhrb1wKCr6SMpEhcYKL4rriugw8_gCIeqV9JKhPZ0-3l_K8HOH68v5-PZ0Vf1UrOiTe37PRqLznTmSU/s1600-h/ours_noir_2a.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiOUI3xNzgZm8Q8CZ-lB_YadXjzFqAJQdlEKLuR5g1zw7Q7GI5BjSBey_YBie7nzhrb1wKCr6SMpEhcYKL4rriugw8_gCIeqV9JKhPZ0-3l_K8HOH68v5-PZ0Vf1UrOiTe37PRqLznTmSU/s320/ours_noir_2a.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5387193824953825426" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Imagine one of these fuckers eating your family. You don't want to, do you?</span></span><br /><br /></div>This movie is worse than a moose fart channeled through the rotting corps of a Guamanian cab driver. And anyone who has smelled that knows how bad that is.<br /></div><br />I’m going to drown myself in the kitchen sink. If God doesn’t want me to die he will shut the movie off before I do so… Aw, fuck it. I don’t care enough about life at this point to kill myself.<br /><br />The militant survivalist rounded up all his militant survivalist friends to hunt down and destroy the alien menaces.<br /><br />“I hate cowboys”Another layer to the rich tapestry of characterization.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtt760TEYxyIhAfOvqfB6ODvPXVAyjaE-tXaJFnHrsDqBDX3yMpbw_eZkndNYceESfBn2EJhuC-ODrmS9xSLqM6t_aigWjg-HW-d_3zxLqxSDELja4YfgbhjCfAJXwaiLbhFHbsAJRP5Jp/s1600-h/Young+Cowboy+Dry+Brush.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 215px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtt760TEYxyIhAfOvqfB6ODvPXVAyjaE-tXaJFnHrsDqBDX3yMpbw_eZkndNYceESfBn2EJhuC-ODrmS9xSLqM6t_aigWjg-HW-d_3zxLqxSDELja4YfgbhjCfAJXwaiLbhFHbsAJRP5Jp/s320/Young+Cowboy+Dry+Brush.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5387193815362786274" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Fuck you.</span></span><br /></div><br />It feels like I’ve been watching this movie for nine hours longer than I actually have been.<br /><br />This guy just got lasered right in the gut. I like to think that these were the last words to go through his head…<br /><br />I was caught<br />In the middle of a laser-beam track - Laser<br />I looked round<br />And I knew there was no turning back - Laser<br />My mind raced<br />And I thought what could I do - Laser<br />And I knew<br />There was no help, no help from you - Laser<br />Sound of the lasers<br />Beatin' in my heart<br />The laser of lasers<br />Tore me apart<br />I’ve been – laserstruck!<br /><br />Thank you AC/DC<br /><br /><br />*Pew pew*<br />“Hey, you guys hear something?”<br />*Pew pew*<br />“Whoa! What the hell was that?!”<br />*Pew pew*<br />“Oh shit, lasers!<br /><br />Lasers go "Pew" by the way<br /><br />Were there really only eight people living in this fucking town?<br /><br />Holy shit! It’s an invisible robot? With lasers?! Talk about the ultimate killing machine!<br /><br />And it knows Judo!<br /><br />I was gonna say…something. I can’t remember what itwas any more. I think this movie is marking me dumber the longeer I have am seeing it?. Maybre I dhould? d d, whay the werds why gio ma bran@ edeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee42<br /><br />Oh, Christ, I think I almost went into a coma. What’s going on? Robots? What the fuck!?<br /><br />Wait, did they kill the alien? It’s over? Oh, thank you Jesus! Thank you God! Thank you Buddah, Ra, Odin, Zeus, Billy Zane, whoever the fuck you are, just, thank you.<br /><br />Hey, guess what? I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the second worst movie I’ve ever seen in my entire life<br /><br />Whoa…wait…so the robot was just a dude dressed as a robot? From another planet? That speaks English? Aw, fuck it. I am so far past the point of caring. I’m just glad it’s over.<br /><br />.TheDamnedThinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09028583081894515922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438679366506011848.post-27536303192966555312009-09-29T02:41:00.009-08:002009-09-29T15:05:06.621-08:00The Dentist: Real Time Review<span style="font-weight: bold;">The Dentist: Real Time Review</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Premise: </span>A documentary chronicling Corbin Bernsen’s tragic early foray in the field of Oral Health.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0116075/">http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0116075/</a><br /><br /><br />This Dentist doesn’t just clean your teeth. He cleans…YOUR SOUL!! And he kills you, too. But that’s just incidental, really.<br /><br />Corbin Bernsen of Nash Bridges and Ken Foree of Keenan and Kel star together for the first and last time!<br /><br />“I had a beautiful wife, a beautiful home. We had a perfect life together” You’re wife is sucking off the pool guy in the back yard; you’re a psychotic dentist. Perfect? By all reasonable definitions, as close to it as you can get.<br /><br />“Things are going to hell around here! This has got to stop!” Shut your face and go brush your fucking teeth for the 18th time today you jerk off.<br /><br />THE DENTIST: “You were dressed like that in front of the pool man?”<br />Wife of THE DENTIST: “ I was wearing a robe”<br />THE DENTIST: “You gotta be careful!”<br />Yeah, she might accidentally fall onto the pool guy’s coincidentally erect and exposed penis. Happens all the time.<br /><br />Oh… <span style="font-style: italic;">Doctor </span>Feinstone. Excuse me <span style="font-style: italic;">Doctor</span>, I guess I was under the false impression that you were a dentist.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpwqkxFz8wDKDuhqqAFOalQxMU2QKujVC-QL1XHV9kVzYwLpX3wAS_A-QMnZl89z9A34emHP7aVzJMR2NlAO_uv-23PQkQOzP6LAFk3H8OY0Eda9ATh1XSRkxqsfxCfr4WWfay1nFHqIhH/s1600-h/dentist-mask.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpwqkxFz8wDKDuhqqAFOalQxMU2QKujVC-QL1XHV9kVzYwLpX3wAS_A-QMnZl89z9A34emHP7aVzJMR2NlAO_uv-23PQkQOzP6LAFk3H8OY0Eda9ATh1XSRkxqsfxCfr4WWfay1nFHqIhH/s320/dentist-mask.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5386838704084344098" border="0" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Jerk.</span><br /><br /></div>Imperfect teeth make him CRrRaZY!<br /><br />Jesus Christ this Pool Guy’s got quite a little racket going on here with these Suburban house wives…How do you go about getting a job cleaning pools anyway?<br /><br />A positive dental experience is very important. You know what key to having a positive dental experience is? Not being murdered.<br /><br />What a gas huffing nut bag. All dentists are the same I tell ya<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyItifwVFF_b1Njgyk-56vzjx0jGqsOJvgIGs4rrSwrYepcNT0-GwFuft-s91oKtJmRnpe_GkhP4Er2zoHTP5s52DLEZZrXwD4pM_HutfZ_0BEG_9IeHH5pbkpdgxAk7-zneAuHtgy3g5x/s1600-h/csid+huffing.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 172px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyItifwVFF_b1Njgyk-56vzjx0jGqsOJvgIGs4rrSwrYepcNT0-GwFuft-s91oKtJmRnpe_GkhP4Er2zoHTP5s52DLEZZrXwD4pM_HutfZ_0BEG_9IeHH5pbkpdgxAk7-zneAuHtgy3g5x/s320/csid+huffing.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5386838688881514162" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipauZPxNRISlG_qFlP0jSKBWMLoZBvxZ4XiQ4B1XwG_qQioSb4rMx_neGylSo8MrRN80ig0xKxaqKQc6wzujOHu1PURmuxVeor2JIyz0sIN2e3FRH4D5jxLUyOMAuvp8tBW2Ik5cawSnuW/s1600-h/huffing.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 119px; height: 126px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipauZPxNRISlG_qFlP0jSKBWMLoZBvxZ4XiQ4B1XwG_qQioSb4rMx_neGylSo8MrRN80ig0xKxaqKQc6wzujOHu1PURmuxVeor2JIyz0sIN2e3FRH4D5jxLUyOMAuvp8tBW2Ik5cawSnuW/s320/huffing.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5386838006437847490" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Probably dentists</span></span><br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">I’m kind of confused. Does he really know his wife is fucking the pool cleaner or is he just assuming? Seems a bit extreme, going absolutely bat-fuck fuck crazy over an assumption.<br /></div></div><br />Fucking overreacting parents. Bleeding and extreme pain is what dentistry is all about. It’s best the kid learns it early in life.<br /><br />I wonder why they never made a killer optometrist movie. He could have spikes in those lens thingies that shoot out, and acidic eye drops and stuff. And instead of lasers that correct your vision he can have lasers that cut off your face!<br /><br />And here’s Mark Ruffalo in his break out role as…what the fuck is he supposed to be? A pimp?<br /><br />Some beauty pageant contestant (prostitute) is going to the dentists accompanied by Mark Ruffalo (in his break out role), to have her teeth cleaned. I wish more prostitutes would do likewise<br /><br />What was that strange substance all over his crotch? It looked like vomit. How did it get in his pants? Do dentists vomit from their crotch? I knew I should have watched that Animal Planet special about Dentists.<br /><br />He’s finger face fucking this passed out beauty queen. I find it quite hard to believe most dentists don’t do this when they have the chance, what with all of them being sociopaths and all.<br /><br />He thought he was making out with his wife but apparently he strangled and partially undressed some random patient. Talk about awkward.<br /><br />Now she’s calling for Steve. Apparently Steve is Mark Ruffalo, her pimp.<br /><br />Oh, Client, eh? Is that what you call it? And I take it you’re her “manager” too right?<br /><br />The Dentist was groping his “client” without paying the standard fee of 46 dollars and 57 cents. Ruffalo is gonna have to pop one in this dentist’s ass with his gold plated Colt .45. No need to play around Ruffalo, we all know what you are; go ahead and bust out the long brimmed felt hat with the peacock feather and the purple, tiger stripped zoot suit. Throw in some gold chains and a long mink coat while you’re at it. Embrace your profession!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjllw6THztdzW3vXt1RT_MdqqPj83wSmZi5Qs17FJVVH3MXHmWFOoXXrXFLzYlgPc8eX88jzAtHeOLYra3kkUjsixkKdDu5EQmOrAd60BqfVmMka04_2y3ZYNVVh_X2nrwgcGPq0E9223re/s1600-h/tn2_mark_ruffalo_4.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 198px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjllw6THztdzW3vXt1RT_MdqqPj83wSmZi5Qs17FJVVH3MXHmWFOoXXrXFLzYlgPc8eX88jzAtHeOLYra3kkUjsixkKdDu5EQmOrAd60BqfVmMka04_2y3ZYNVVh_X2nrwgcGPq0E9223re/s320/tn2_mark_ruffalo_4.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5386838887191964290" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">This is Mark Ruffalo</span></span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6ePUxZemwxIy7tsBk3z-N864rodrGF0lfcFcRlmc7-D3LMZcbFjU-wtM6QHpM5qLQxUnRV6Bqgprv6IJHApNyZ0umu634HxmsCTlR4455eE7cwu4zaFODGQmhf9DJpZQunwP4t9YoFRMm/s1600-h/20855.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6ePUxZemwxIy7tsBk3z-N864rodrGF0lfcFcRlmc7-D3LMZcbFjU-wtM6QHpM5qLQxUnRV6Bqgprv6IJHApNyZ0umu634HxmsCTlR4455eE7cwu4zaFODGQmhf9DJpZQunwP4t9YoFRMm/s320/20855.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5386838310332351362" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">And this is was a pimp is supposed to look like</span></span><br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">THE DENTIST: “You don’t understand the lack of respect in a world that goes on ignoring dental hygiene!” Yeah…that’s the problem, alright. I guess you'll just have to take out everyone's teeth, that way they'll have no way to disrespect the teeth they don't have or the dentists they no longer need. Do it.<br /></div></div><br />I gotta tell you, this movie’s scared me straight. From now on I’m gonna start brushing my teeth way more. Like at least 4 times a week or so. Might even floss on occasion. I’ll never have to go to the dentist again! Fucker’s not stringing my teeth on his trophy necklace, the filthy savage.<br /><br />Twist and Yank. Twist and Yank. That’s what it’s all about. Remember that and it’ll be a breeze. You just gotta twist and yank! See! Like that! Corbin Bernsen’s really got his Twist/Yank method down. It's all in the wrist, see. Sturdy set of pliers doesn't hurt, either.<br /><br />Corbin Bernsen plays a fondle happy, teeth ripping clean freak psycho dentist who more than likely has a severe Nitrous Oxide addiction like no one else could. Maybe it's because he's not playing a role at all. . .<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAPaFHJz8AwZF0_1sDwP3Cw_0SfJkpi5tX3fFW-iMwEQEYmagC_cZn3JnjCg9XDbOxeWZJMQt7MUvoc7yYVUossgSEr1ZoG1dzYiClUcQL6W9aeE7URy0HRmfpGlMhG1R9LMSBpiks4R7Z/s1600-h/corbin-sized.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 204px; height: 271px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAPaFHJz8AwZF0_1sDwP3Cw_0SfJkpi5tX3fFW-iMwEQEYmagC_cZn3JnjCg9XDbOxeWZJMQt7MUvoc7yYVUossgSEr1ZoG1dzYiClUcQL6W9aeE7URy0HRmfpGlMhG1R9LMSBpiks4R7Z/s320/corbin-sized.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5386838320890618322" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">You be the judge</span></span><br /><br /></div><br />Jerky. Is. Good. I like it a lot. It’s really expensive though. I guess the Jerkying process takes a lot of money. But it’s worth it.<br /><br />“I could ask her when she wakes up” hahaha! That is so NOT TRUE! She can’t talk anymore! What the hell man?! He just pulled her teeth and cut her tongue out. Does he not remember this? Why would he say that if he knows it’s not true? Oh, I see, If he told the cops that he might get in trouble. Well played, Denty McStabbins.<br /><br />Goddamn pool cleaners. Always stealing honest dentists wives away.<br /><br />It almost seems as if he’s had experience stabbing people before. Who am I kidding? He’s a dentist, of course he has.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilV8f9prRiGcMzBN4SRuOtpmwtrN1ddCe6LNNJL935i12MQnXOf8JK-EOaLdHmcOFqmLH3Cm74CUvHnLoZC48nEjXYG9DGoxaayBH831rAjvm9DmC-T4wjWBXXaFlnKIEe63_OJ-pfvJRE/s1600-h/Stabbing.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 225px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilV8f9prRiGcMzBN4SRuOtpmwtrN1ddCe6LNNJL935i12MQnXOf8JK-EOaLdHmcOFqmLH3Cm74CUvHnLoZC48nEjXYG9DGoxaayBH831rAjvm9DmC-T4wjWBXXaFlnKIEe63_OJ-pfvJRE/s320/Stabbing.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5386838034250803458" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Probably a dentist</span></span><br /><br /></div>He’s tortured the bejeezus out of his wife and stabbed the unholy fuck out of her pool boy fuck buddy. Now it’s back to business. The business of dentinizing the innocent masses!<br /><br />Don’t question The Dentist damn you! He’s in the middle of a procedure, can’t you see!<br /><br />“I’m going to report you to the dental association!”<br />Yeah, that’ll teach him. Or you could just, you know? Call the cops. Seeing as he’s torturing and molesting patients. Seems like something they oughta be clued in on.<br /><br />Guess you can’t now. What with you being dead and such.<br /><br />Cop: “when are you gonna see a dentist about that tooth?”<br />Ken Foree: “I’d rather live with the pain”<br />That Ken Foree is one smart motherfucker. Man, I wish Keenan and Kel was still on. I want some fucking orange soda.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRAnBE9tULwMx8PQOpEw3Sg4TDIZot5ZycUGrWyMU6_THRbEQdqg3X0S4byvLdAxk0mrhLOZRIjI480VuAZMFL1-FbIfdN7FsCyjIvGuH9GX_JV7_MdvbT9bnqQ0A-mkyNGwyPxCIj0wks/s1600-h/orange-soda.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 294px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRAnBE9tULwMx8PQOpEw3Sg4TDIZot5ZycUGrWyMU6_THRbEQdqg3X0S4byvLdAxk0mrhLOZRIjI480VuAZMFL1-FbIfdN7FsCyjIvGuH9GX_JV7_MdvbT9bnqQ0A-mkyNGwyPxCIj0wks/s320/orange-soda.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5386838029871710466" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">I do!</span></span><br /><br /></div>What kind of a jerk-off blackmails a dentist then lies down and lets him work on his teeth? Especially a dentist that happens to be Corbin Bernsen, that’s twice as dangerously criminally insane as a normal dentist.<br /><br />Haha, he’s drilling this guys tongue off. That’s what happens when you try to fight a drill with your tongue, ass-hat. The drill always wins. Always.<br /><br />If you can’t afford to have a bad day then why are you killing off your nursing staff and torturing your patients? Not a very smart business move. I don’t think this guy is thinking straight. Oh, wait, he's a dentist, of course he's not.<br /><br />Ken Foree: “He’s a dentist, they’re capable of anything”<br />Ken Foree speaks the truth!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrZ5VCaGoLdt74TXyVomSxcHAQjOjf55OIE0uhSs7yHsxvTel7IpdIfc9vT20rGDC8uUAz06bGdcM7WexKzI-L5BD8yPs4uJsnJngTD_OQ6HSmykJN-wLNO_NExWCbhNj-3MRVMI3rw-Qb/s1600-h/2abb25d3cadc95323aa75b6cc2331ff1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 296px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrZ5VCaGoLdt74TXyVomSxcHAQjOjf55OIE0uhSs7yHsxvTel7IpdIfc9vT20rGDC8uUAz06bGdcM7WexKzI-L5BD8yPs4uJsnJngTD_OQ6HSmykJN-wLNO_NExWCbhNj-3MRVMI3rw-Qb/s320/2abb25d3cadc95323aa75b6cc2331ff1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5386838297150516114" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Fuck Dentists: A PSA from Ken Foree</span></span><br /><br /></div><br />Now he’s speaking some kind of satanic dentist language. Or is that Finnish? I can’t tell the difference. I think Dentists originated from Scandinavia, they have the crazy Viking torture blood running through they’re veins, that’s the problem.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNMbM6UoRbHcUix0pou8HVNrjlHjdxtYx1gxgQQiWf13lBPomtTwA4NVVFp2Mj5E-S5UBiRimoJJ4YAvSWaqakOo_k2NYCHzvVwtGpaQgwzwTp0o9drrapbEhLofE-33xaXgji3FxiWnYf/s1600-h/viking.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 237px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNMbM6UoRbHcUix0pou8HVNrjlHjdxtYx1gxgQQiWf13lBPomtTwA4NVVFp2Mj5E-S5UBiRimoJJ4YAvSWaqakOo_k2NYCHzvVwtGpaQgwzwTp0o9drrapbEhLofE-33xaXgji3FxiWnYf/s320/viking.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5387029128652869026" border="0" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">The first dentist</span></span><br /><br /></div>Now for the obligatory final chase scene. Some girl who’s dying to get her braces out might do just that…get her braces out… when he blows her fucking teeth from her head with his little James Bond gun. God, what a puny little hand-gun, no wonder your wife started fucking the pool cleaner.<br /><br />He’s going to shoot her in the mouth! Well, at least you won’t need braces anymore. That’s a plus, right?<br /><br />“You can’t hide, not from your Dentist. I know where you are!”<br />He’s not fucking around, Dentists can smell fear. And tarter.<br /><br />“Why didn’t you answer when I called you Sarah?”<br />Because you’re a Dentist? Oh, and a serial killer, but mostly the first reason.<br /><br />“Please Doctor Feinstone!”<br />Yeah, don’t call him "Mister Feinstone" or he’ll flip out…more so than he already has, that is.<br /><br />They made a bargain. She’ll brush her teeth three times and day and never eat candy again and he won’t shoot her in the face. Seems like a fair trade to me.<br /><br />Alright, I’ve been fucking around so far but it’s time to get serous. Did you know every serial killer in recorded history has had at least one book on dentistry in their possesion, and at some point tried to pursue a career in the field? Furthermore, 89.64% of the missing people in America were last reported seen at a dentist’s office. These are facts, queerbos. Breath it in. It's just a small sampling of the tons and tons of docmented evidence that proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that all dentists are are brain-shitting wackaboos, jerking off nightly to the thought of killing you and everyone you love and then grinding your teeth into a paste to use as lube to do weird things to your dead body. Yeah. Knowing, fuckers, it's half the battle. The other half is going to take place when you inevitibaly find yourself in a life or death struggle with a pack of foaming-at-the-mouth nut-bag dentists. Take it from me, a gun beats a drill any day of the fucking week. Except for Tuesdays for some reason.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhyE5LVmDbmGbSeMg9FX-73_x1G4jRtRIWM3pyDqaXF7rMNqMeXy_4aBLUa5AffbishdVEt29CllIJrwz3RKLRtKMCBSOf1xNDs6xAPvluF2BfcgOlirRIJ6bK0L3ULq_jgnUvgaycHm1F/s1600-h/crazy-guy-in-street.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 277px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhyE5LVmDbmGbSeMg9FX-73_x1G4jRtRIWM3pyDqaXF7rMNqMeXy_4aBLUa5AffbishdVEt29CllIJrwz3RKLRtKMCBSOf1xNDs6xAPvluF2BfcgOlirRIJ6bK0L3ULq_jgnUvgaycHm1F/s320/crazy-guy-in-street.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5386838680020339170" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPuimyz-I5wag5I88tL3jzzY27ugK_Pp9kgAZP8blquCmM5ZPFAThFg4tuFocZfeduvZql6e5n_J7Db4Bf2FganrfCcno8uwXW4XwFiZVwwPTwX6vVnTHxYok7hy-TgUcDtIRxS-sThRW6/s1600-h/crazyguy.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 242px; height: 311px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPuimyz-I5wag5I88tL3jzzY27ugK_Pp9kgAZP8blquCmM5ZPFAThFg4tuFocZfeduvZql6e5n_J7Db4Bf2FganrfCcno8uwXW4XwFiZVwwPTwX6vVnTHxYok7hy-TgUcDtIRxS-sThRW6/s320/crazyguy.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5386838673606932514" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIihhxAiTUCNvq69Ml-Cly7oyao-SABs8NSnpYCXrkp0j7hdw7CWOPe9ceGNYmm0RGxYwnO1qGYXVL_rn9s36jMvG3o1cQG56hPQIFeRsiSlp4qMyxRYZXgsULeuh9UqbqCCObDzzcmXnG/s1600-h/nicolas_cage_01.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 190px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIihhxAiTUCNvq69Ml-Cly7oyao-SABs8NSnpYCXrkp0j7hdw7CWOPe9ceGNYmm0RGxYwnO1qGYXVL_rn9s36jMvG3o1cQG56hPQIFeRsiSlp4qMyxRYZXgsULeuh9UqbqCCObDzzcmXnG/s320/nicolas_cage_01.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5386838019110674306" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Probably dentists</span></span><br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">Oh, and you think Dentists are bad? I don’t even want to think about Orthodontists.<br /></div></div><br />I guess I’ll just go ahead and cut out my wisdom teeth myself, then. I suggest you do like me and put together a emergency home tooth-care kit. Essential items include: vodka, razor blades, needle nosed pliers, whipped cream chargers, and lots and lots of banana peels.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqXYynvzE1vueH23iAbO6oD87otDUjZ2B7xrzDUkX9yabwv-fappldDmtK5lkXqG2rEfDPgyMYPp9CxtmLxKpSBOeWACJNoauSb6NLPpG9TdUCsIPWSTQsljzV6fkSCRVuiH4YAB7_D9jv/s1600-h/dentist-office-art-main_Full.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 239px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqXYynvzE1vueH23iAbO6oD87otDUjZ2B7xrzDUkX9yabwv-fappldDmtK5lkXqG2rEfDPgyMYPp9CxtmLxKpSBOeWACJNoauSb6NLPpG9TdUCsIPWSTQsljzV6fkSCRVuiH4YAB7_D9jv/s320/dentist-office-art-main_Full.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5386838009799635122" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Or I'll fucking kill you!</span></span><br /><br /></div>TheDamnedThinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09028583081894515922noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438679366506011848.post-61889151831406704842009-09-29T01:08:00.011-08:002009-09-29T01:46:06.158-08:00Skeeter: Real Time Review<span style="font-weight: bold;">Skeeter: Real Time Review<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Premise: </span></span>Giant mosquitoes! <span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span></span></span></span>Well, maybe a little.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0108154/">http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0108154/</a><br /><br /><br />Doooooooooooooooooo Do do do do do do do do do do do do… That was the New Line music. I love that music.<br /><br />Skeeter? You mean Doug’s friend? What, he’s killing people now? Man, it’s always the blue ones.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm6Nxjop4JJtu1xueY0rt2iSRJnWOXUNwA4_OJeImfB1D8_s-pO-Yz86aexJhQO3kO5tvabSPMUpFZMGe0m-e0VzZVu4ehfEEKVNGLQ1bo52OgjToSGaDML6IayxaUScdAZQXbqNny8vtd/s1600-h/skeeter01.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 246px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm6Nxjop4JJtu1xueY0rt2iSRJnWOXUNwA4_OJeImfB1D8_s-pO-Yz86aexJhQO3kO5tvabSPMUpFZMGe0m-e0VzZVu4ehfEEKVNGLQ1bo52OgjToSGaDML6IayxaUScdAZQXbqNny8vtd/s320/skeeter01.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5386816956779503234" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;" >"No, Penis, I told you I don't want to kill my friends!"</span><br /></div><br />Seriously, how many trucks carrying toxic waste drive across this country every year? At the rate of which they crash and cause giant insect related indiscriminate killing and slaughter you’d think they’d find a more effective means of transportation.<br /><br />He’s being chased by a helicopter…with yellow tinted windows?<br /><br />Well, I guess that’s one way to get away from giant mosquitoes. Another, perhaps more effective, method would have been turning left at the gorge instead of driving right into it with your motor bike. Just a thought.<br /><br />Badasses checklist: Welding torch - Check, Aviator Sunglasses - Check, Leather Jacket - Check, Motorcycle - Check, shirt - fuck you!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjVxcYpFmJmquF-wqNqOA4nNsR87QXvm-9hpgzR9bT6GzA6yjdxXu4Z7ZOQKyArR8CmikOafh7GZthhO5JopQpPZ4CFaVV6hGXONZUF9IQ-StdAvIP36PIuDl2I8uR98kvd4tH4v3Zyf4y/s1600-h/plain+t-shirt.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 280px; height: 280px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjVxcYpFmJmquF-wqNqOA4nNsR87QXvm-9hpgzR9bT6GzA6yjdxXu4Z7ZOQKyArR8CmikOafh7GZthhO5JopQpPZ4CFaVV6hGXONZUF9IQ-StdAvIP36PIuDl2I8uR98kvd4tH4v3Zyf4y/s320/plain+t-shirt.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5386817707588065634" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;" >Shirts: Just for pussies</span><br /></div><br />Fuck helmets! Aviators are plenty protection. Plus a helmet would ruin that sculpted do of his<br /><br />That guy was in Scrooged! Man, I wish I was watching Scrooged right now. But only if it had mutant killer giant mosquitoes. Which it doesn’t. So I guess I’d rather be watching this.<br /><br />“She’s gonna love being dead”<br />That’s what every grieving family member wants to hear. I’ll need to remember that for my next funeral.<br /><br />I predict Sarah and Deputy Shirtless McAwesome will be getting it on something fierce sometime later.<br /><br />Sweet fuck-sauce, it’s that fucking evil industrialist land developer. I hate that fucker so much!<br /><br />Townsfolk are disappearing at an alarming rate.<br /><br />“I lose cows all the time”<br />And so are cows, apparently.<br /><br />I can certainly understand losing a cow, masters of disguise and evasion that they are.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY_G-sFflsobR1OJHryZWDILtQvJGETFq0ydAqiAIvycQaO1sR6skB63ZOxwAM66cHJH2ucmEoDTPWYU3yWolEYDr4zEn3UHLs02HN3XwtRxv3OA_-szyYrr6fUHdPHO3fbBKddzih-EXI/s1600-h/Cow.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 214px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY_G-sFflsobR1OJHryZWDILtQvJGETFq0ydAqiAIvycQaO1sR6skB63ZOxwAM66cHJH2ucmEoDTPWYU3yWolEYDr4zEn3UHLs02HN3XwtRxv3OA_-szyYrr6fUHdPHO3fbBKddzih-EXI/s320/Cow.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5386816941256795602" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgh_D6mRSCAGMLfsQeGxtZSho6XAkOvZ6QPnD23pE7MKS6kAzPdSKnRip6XqTToKJvYhR2VSMDXqrW3tRHvJDKSS-PBeJrDozyLyh7kFBWPhDgrWCHOjT6S6t5qwsfwjs3TddWbdqG2qXqk/s1600-h/mzF4iNZc9fops0c343XrqC1yo1_400.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 214px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgh_D6mRSCAGMLfsQeGxtZSho6XAkOvZ6QPnD23pE7MKS6kAzPdSKnRip6XqTToKJvYhR2VSMDXqrW3tRHvJDKSS-PBeJrDozyLyh7kFBWPhDgrWCHOjT6S6t5qwsfwjs3TddWbdqG2qXqk/s320/mzF4iNZc9fops0c343XrqC1yo1_400.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5386816955425509634" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">They're like super fat ninjas</span></span><br /></div><br />“If you need anything just let us know”<br />Maybe some more cows?<br /><br />Man, those mosquitoes aren’t even big. I could totally take those mosquitoes. It’d be like a giant human fighting a bunch of flying murder-bot cyborgs shaped like over sized mutant mosquitoes, but not quite.<br /><br />Deputy Studly McLongcock: “How you holding up?”<br />Translation: how about I comfort you with my unit?<br /><br />Grieving daughter/Love interest: “I just wish she was here” **cries**<br />Deputy: “This is so in the bag, score!”<br />Grieving Daughter/Love interest: “What?”<br />Deputy: “Nothing! Here, let me hold you…”<br /><br />Contaminated peyote? That Indians going nuts on contaminated peyote?! Aw, lucky!<br /><br />“It’s alright”<br />Monstersquitoes ate her dad’s blood to death, so…I guess it depends on which definition of the word “alright” you’re going by.<br /><br />“What the hell is with tucker”<br />He’s tripping the fuck out, that’s what!<br /><br />Cow’s go Moo. Moose go something else. I don’t know why Moose don’t go moo. That would make more sense. From now on, cows go cow and moose go moo. I don’t give a fuck what anyone else says.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiX4lNO_vApkOceA9bykzlkG_D8D2_hC2R2xnJ3RA8Eij0z2JQ9mBgnwxQGF0Xo5w19hDamn6TSo3WllM38Tm7p_mfYuNxK2s9y0ESY_LaXNrhQuftPapGUwp-mOUAMSa_5ZrJtxEj307if/s1600-h/moose.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 318px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiX4lNO_vApkOceA9bykzlkG_D8D2_hC2R2xnJ3RA8Eij0z2JQ9mBgnwxQGF0Xo5w19hDamn6TSo3WllM38Tm7p_mfYuNxK2s9y0ESY_LaXNrhQuftPapGUwp-mOUAMSa_5ZrJtxEj307if/s320/moose.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5386817563083862722" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Say 'moo' fucker!</span></span><br /></div><br />This little, trollish looking old man is letting a mutant mosquito suck his blood. He seems to be having an orgasm. Oh, now I seem to be having an orgasm as well. Damn, didn’t see that coming.<br /><br />“And get my gun rusty?” Jesus, sexual innuendos left and right. What kind of a pervert would write this movie?<br /><br />Touch her boob! Just give it a quick poke. Like the Pillsbury dough-boy!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjL_H8plxFNstZljdMjLqgfIek1hkxv-Ew3JsSXEndeSVUc8-eLS7wnKdeetJALZsqMinDipMWHfOuUfQs5KSmP5rygkOxwvKnsQWpKIg4wOcGPDdm5dYsWQAoq7K4-L_u1ySf2UIxo_JWb/s1600-h/pillsbury_doughboy_1_.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 180px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjL_H8plxFNstZljdMjLqgfIek1hkxv-Ew3JsSXEndeSVUc8-eLS7wnKdeetJALZsqMinDipMWHfOuUfQs5KSmP5rygkOxwvKnsQWpKIg4wOcGPDdm5dYsWQAoq7K4-L_u1ySf2UIxo_JWb/s320/pillsbury_doughboy_1_.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5386817584850300594" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">You sexy little bastard</span></span><br /></div><br />What is this? Some kind of Cow expert? Trying to analyze the cow drinking water to see what’s causing the cows to die? Man, that sucks about the cows. I like cows. Cows are cool. Sure wish all the cows would stop dying. I wonder if those giant mosquitoes have anything to do with the recent decline in the cow population? Probably not, everyone knows Mosquitoes much prefer the blood of the four-legged checker spotted morilla.<br /><br />Two drunken fishermen are arguing about what attacked them when they were out drinking and fishermen-ing.<br />Drunken Fisherman No. 1 “It was a vampire bat!”<br />Drunken Fisherman No. 2 “It was killer ducks!”<br />How do you mistake a killer duck for a vampire bat? I mean, how do you mistake a vampire bat for a giant mosquito? Wait, what’s happening? Jack Daniels? Where?!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8D_RpUswSEbM4gZrIQit3ug85a398pTI4DW9uciT0Of4Eht1ADXg05HR0rCIOi_VySfDA-Q3HuSBMr4nDbafuaV1ChbJfKA5AF5QmXA-W-ZTcjoUNQhMDKLOoLqwQI_clvC0o7rA0bPFt/s1600-h/bat.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 317px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8D_RpUswSEbM4gZrIQit3ug85a398pTI4DW9uciT0Of4Eht1ADXg05HR0rCIOi_VySfDA-Q3HuSBMr4nDbafuaV1ChbJfKA5AF5QmXA-W-ZTcjoUNQhMDKLOoLqwQI_clvC0o7rA0bPFt/s320/bat.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5386815351596388834" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1-YUf63fmpgm1IV6zGPRPzVvhHuDECK5B6IgtyVYX6aKiyX5rm8asbHMANJTr3tyKrTSiNwt9MEzFaimziV_huD0qeATmQ057HAddcEiKjSIC7BjLYLyw3h4aAK8pd2hzGFx7S8OwDmob/s1600-h/asian-tiger-mosquito.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 212px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1-YUf63fmpgm1IV6zGPRPzVvhHuDECK5B6IgtyVYX6aKiyX5rm8asbHMANJTr3tyKrTSiNwt9MEzFaimziV_huD0qeATmQ057HAddcEiKjSIC7BjLYLyw3h4aAK8pd2hzGFx7S8OwDmob/s320/asian-tiger-mosquito.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5386815344508773746" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwZr_D7-Sfxa1dX7Ii73_vIDLMnkIyvSu6QiXp93oyP_cu9xqeEOMDR7lZSPoQvfd08XrpD7THduxywvuFOVmtorLLsFcOfy1fJZMUbj49S5wFPcyPreCK_GjzD-uet1f555gC_I08URPc/s1600-h/mallard_duck.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 230px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwZr_D7-Sfxa1dX7Ii73_vIDLMnkIyvSu6QiXp93oyP_cu9xqeEOMDR7lZSPoQvfd08XrpD7THduxywvuFOVmtorLLsFcOfy1fJZMUbj49S5wFPcyPreCK_GjzD-uet1f555gC_I08URPc/s320/mallard_duck.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5386817573728604898" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">They all look the same to Jack</span></span><br /></div><br />This is much too similar to one of those economic conspiracy thrillers, only with occasional appearances from Radioactive Mosquitoes.<br /><br />Haha! You hit a tree! 10 points! Now go find a pregnant lady!<br /><br />“Gotta go drain the vein”<br />(Alternate Tag-line) They’re gonna drain <span style="font-style: italic;">your </span>vein! Could be the tag-line for the porno spin-off , too.<br /><br />I knew it!<br /><br />God fucking damnit this movie sucks. This movie sucks hard. A bunch of stupid fucking people have spent the last 40 minutes talking about cows and shit. And SHIT! There’ve been one or two random mosquito related blood drainings, but besides that, almost no mosquito Acton at all. Just stupid fucking people talking to each other about stupid fucking shit. Mostly about cows. This movie is supposed to be about mosquitoes, for fucks sake! Not cows! Not people! Mosquitoes! I don’t want to see a cow or a person for the rest of the movie unless they’re getting their eyes sucked out of their fucking skulls by a giant mutant mosquito’s face spike sucking tube. You hear me! No more anything about contaminated water! Contaminated mosquitoes! You hear me you fuck sacks?! MOSQUITOES!!! NOW!!! NOW!!!!! FUCK! I don’t give two tea spoons of cock sauce about this evil industrialists diabolical plot to do shit that I don’t care about! Fuck this movie! I’m gonna kill it with my bare fucking hands! I don’t know how and I don’t care. I’ll fucking do it, I swear! I’ll pummel it until it doesn’t know the meaning of the word “cow”! FUCK COWS! DIE!!!!!!!!!!! AAGH!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2tGHSVOVwY2XnUyNv0U01aDq7q0ilAdyfKNgX0ZrT6hNrxCn1NIxo8r6TkRHN0yCwui9mw3E8ysBaDXfstPCkG8xS6yvRjWOAh5e10gvaaalD_beHP2XrEtvWZGDsf1qACgxB9c3fprjf/s1600-h/Angry_Panda_Viking_by_DrKr0wbar.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 218px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2tGHSVOVwY2XnUyNv0U01aDq7q0ilAdyfKNgX0ZrT6hNrxCn1NIxo8r6TkRHN0yCwui9mw3E8ysBaDXfstPCkG8xS6yvRjWOAh5e10gvaaalD_beHP2XrEtvWZGDsf1qACgxB9c3fprjf/s320/Angry_Panda_Viking_by_DrKr0wbar.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5386815334561454274" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">A visual representation of my rage</span></span><br /><br /></div>An evil property developer is killing anyone that gets in the way of his evil property development plans and just tried to have the deputy murdered by his evil henchmen, the sheriff is corrupt, the water is contaminated, cows are dying left and right, the town is going to hell, and, oh, yeah, there just so happen to be one or two giant man-hungry mosquitoes flying around killing people every once and a while.<br /><br />I think stabbing myself in the thigh would be more entertaining than watching this movie. With a red-hot meat fork. Actually, I know it would be more entertaining. At least I would be emotionally involved with stabbing myself. Know what I’m not emotionally involved in? This movie, that’s what!<br /><br />And have I mentioned that the giant mosquitoes aren’t even that giant? They’re about as big as a medium sized flashlight with wings and face spikes and little insect legs and shit like that. Come to think of it, they don’t look much like flashlights at all, actually.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifMxT1wF5gfUhV1WLwH2004aFi-XCcHngNcW5jSDR4k1eie9OStKngg5nzcO9KKzy2fQmAUrGaC93y2m4Os-dqWmdQTUihkL9-9XookD4zknTWrQ-mr2Bk7435KQClmYR7OZp4tpBmVoFl/s1600-h/25Flashlight.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifMxT1wF5gfUhV1WLwH2004aFi-XCcHngNcW5jSDR4k1eie9OStKngg5nzcO9KKzy2fQmAUrGaC93y2m4Os-dqWmdQTUihkL9-9XookD4zknTWrQ-mr2Bk7435KQClmYR7OZp4tpBmVoFl/s320/25Flashlight.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5386815323884391602" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">No. Not even a little</span></span><br /><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>“I’ve seen enough of this”<br />I’ve seen enough of you’re face, dick-cheese!<br /><br />Weld his filthy evil industrialist mouth shut, you welding wonder wizard, you! Do it! Don’t let your skills go to waste!<br /><br />Way to drive! Yeah! Nice! You’re an awesome driver!<br /><br />Psst, <span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">He’s not a good driver at all.</span></span><br /><br />Deputy Mosquito Masher is going flame thrower crazy on a bunch of mosquitoes. Mutant mosquitoes at that. This is the first time mosquitoes have been on screen for longer than 30 seconds. Things must be looking up! Too bad there’s probably only like 5 minutes left in the movie. Actually, thank Christ there’s only 5 minutes left in the movie!<br /><br />Burn mother fuckers! BURN! YEAH!<br /><br />Squeeze em’! Squeeze em’ like little baby kittens! Squeeze them until their warm brain juices flow down your pants!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKibOuTxbs138EmmuHQT2NnIPKx-5PWBONdqyJa3x8LZC33cqGCxgrqFWV_J1DL6I-dmiXqjw32iIYP_vrtOHAgh4N_xfWTZvk7XPp7QtaAKirPnbrvjhL_dQWWsHiPbpTQ8g8z-ovj-vR/s1600-h/kitten.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 242px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKibOuTxbs138EmmuHQT2NnIPKx-5PWBONdqyJa3x8LZC33cqGCxgrqFWV_J1DL6I-dmiXqjw32iIYP_vrtOHAgh4N_xfWTZvk7XPp7QtaAKirPnbrvjhL_dQWWsHiPbpTQ8g8z-ovj-vR/s320/kitten.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5386815359578646946" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;" >Asshole</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>Deputy I’m Too Tired to Think of a Nickname: “I’m not going, Sarah”<br />Me: “I don’t give a fuck”<br />Deputy I’m Too Tired to Think of a Nickname: “This is my town”<br />Me: “Shut up!”<br />Deputy I’m Too Tired to Think of a Nickname: “I want to see this through to the end”<br />Me: “Why couldn’t you just let the mosquitoes liberate you of your fluids? My life would be so much better”<br />Deputy I’m Too Tired to Think of a Nickname: “I’ll catch up with you real soon”<br />Me: "Die and go to mosquito hell, you mother fucker!<br /><br />Oh, it’s actually over. Well, now what am I supposed to do. I guess I could harass my cat for a couple of hours, that’s always fun.TheDamnedThinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09028583081894515922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438679366506011848.post-81248746406344030682009-02-06T16:49:00.013-09:002009-02-10T21:10:03.509-09:00Sharks in Venice: Real Time Review<span style="font-weight: bold;">Sharks in Venice: Real Time Review</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Premise:</span> (See title)<br /><br /><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1087474/">http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1087474/</a><br /><br /><br />Nu Image. The world of cinema wouldn't be the same without these intrepid pioneers. Where would we be without their groundbreaking work in the field of Giant CGI Sharks Killing people movies? You know where? The fucking dark ages! Shark Attack 1, Shark Attack 2 the legendary Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, the film which jump-started the acting career of now super-star<span style="font-style: italic;"> John Barrowman</span>. Shark Zone. Raging Sharks. Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy! That's right motherfuckers, you better recognize the pedigree. These aren't some fucking amateurs. No, these guys know what's up when it comes to making movies about sharks attacking people in a frenzy in zones and whatever. And not just sharks either, friends: Crocodiles, Krakens, Ocotopi, Mansquitos! Snakes, mega and otherwise. You name it and these magnificent sons of bitches have made a movie about a giant and/or mutant CGI version of it wreaking havoc. When you watch a Nu Image killer animal/monster/alien flick, you better be prepared for something special.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWbRpPE4c4O-Dc5juhBAfYTnTDHkovWeaLLzl5wb58v4DY8GhyphenhyphenHBgM9skHkW-MJnaAjRrEsmOBG28DwwWISOLPVBOKfOxirJMd6YXwMBQkA-xGLsFRWEwZ4LEBom-D-cHPiyb6CrAWhrk_/s1600-h/vlcsnap-3673597.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 180px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWbRpPE4c4O-Dc5juhBAfYTnTDHkovWeaLLzl5wb58v4DY8GhyphenhyphenHBgM9skHkW-MJnaAjRrEsmOBG28DwwWISOLPVBOKfOxirJMd6YXwMBQkA-xGLsFRWEwZ4LEBom-D-cHPiyb6CrAWhrk_/s320/vlcsnap-3673597.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5299875950061042834" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">Instant boner.</span><br /></div><br />I'm diggin the aviators. Those Venetians have really got their accessorizing down to an art.<br /><br />I'm no Italianologist or anything, so I can't really say with any conviction. For some reason, though, it sounded like that guy was just saying random, vaguely Italian sounding words in an attempt to sound as though he were an actual Italian person. I'm probably wrong, just an observation.<br /><br />"This is the Andrea Doria. She is another "unsinkable" ship that went down in 1956. Sits in a depth of 250 feet in a place that, trust me, most of you would not want to be"<br />George Castanza would not approve.<br /><br />This guy just got academically owned by Stephen fucking Baldwin. That must make him, like, ultra-tarded or something.<br /><br />Is it wrong that Stephen is my favorite Baldwin? Because he is.<br /><br />OK! Plot. plot time. Let me give you the rundown: Stephen fuckin Baldwin(!). Sharks. Venice. Figure it out.<br /><br />Stephen Baldwin: "No."<br />Nnnooo...what...?<br /><br />Boat accident? Propeller?! Come on! Don't spin me that old sham story, fat-cat. This was no boat accident! Though I won't yet rule out coral reef or Jack the Ripper.<br /><br />I've seen enough fantasy shark attacks to know one when I see one. How many? Multiply every shark attack from every Jaws movie by 76. Yeah, I think it's fair to say I'm a bit of an expert when it comes to fake shark attacks, and I'm telling you...you've got a fake killer shark in Venice. So I would advise you get your all gondoliers to start taping fillet knives to the ends of their boat pushing sticks, because if I know fake killer sharks the way I think I do (and I do) then this fucker is only getting started.<br /><br />Stephen Baldwin's father! Murdered by sharks! Knights! A Suitcase?<br /><br />Alright, a bunch of blood-crazy knights killed a bunch of other un-crazy knights and stole their shit, then came to Venice and sank or something and the treasure was lost under water forever. Well forever just got a whole fuck of a lot shorter, because Stephen Baldwin is on the case.<br /><br />This would be a lot cooler of the knights were actually fighting sharks. Underwater.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDNGo9Mvrz_4L8o770E9KsRMi4vqnTOFj0j3F3yvAKhvGJshW6J4v6NXPI0kemdXx-xofiXepGPHTstyY5YfMMnphbjxoaYzFdPeta_ocmGlDM440vzTjkUPa_Wu67gOkAv7OAT0jPKwdH/s1600-h/vlcsnap-3100704.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 180px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDNGo9Mvrz_4L8o770E9KsRMi4vqnTOFj0j3F3yvAKhvGJshW6J4v6NXPI0kemdXx-xofiXepGPHTstyY5YfMMnphbjxoaYzFdPeta_ocmGlDM440vzTjkUPa_Wu67gOkAv7OAT0jPKwdH/s320/vlcsnap-3100704.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5299870183895879346" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">Just imagine one of them is a shark and they're underwater.</span><br /></div><br />"It sounds like some kind of wishful fantasy"<br />Lady, I don't know what Italians fantasize about, but I've never had a fantasy about a bunch of knights stabbing each other with swords and stealing a priceless artifact. Except if all the knights were hot ladies and their swords were shaped like penises and the priceless artifact was a bunt-cake made to look like a green pumpkin. Then I have. But that's not what we're talking about here, now is it?<br /><br />Stephen "fuckin" Baldwin: She's...really smart.<br />I guess opposites attract, huh Baldwin? Hahahaha! I'm just joshin ya. You rock, Baldwin. You rock my world.<br /><br />This movie is going to be worth the price of the rental just for the inevitable underwater wrestling match between Stephen Baldwin and a great white shark.<br /><br />Stephen Baldwin traversed an Indiana Jones style cavern filled with poorly timed booby traps to find a bunch of treasure. He then fist fought a great white shark and woke up in a hospital bed. The entire time between him beating the fuck out of the shark and waking up in the hospital was skipped over, so I'm forced to allow my imagination to fill in the blanks. I'm assuming he killed the shark, swam to shore, banged his girlfriend then went to a bar and told everyone about how he killed a shark with his bare hands, and which point everyone bought him drinks for being so badass and he mainlined Italian hard liquor for 27 hours before he passed out from rocking too hard. He was then taken to the hospital so they could harvest some of his blood to use in experiments to create Captain America-esque super-soldiers.<br /><br />Some Italian mobsters are trying to coerce Baldwin into going back underwater for them. Presumably for a big-money rematch with the shark whose ass he kicked. Silly bastards, even if the shark had the balls to fight Stephen Baldwin again, it couldn't, because it’s fucking dead! Though I'm sure a shit-ton of people would still pay to see Stephen Baldwin punching the corpse of a great white shark underwater. I would.<br /><br />Drunk Italian Chick: "No! You're trying to get me drunk!"<br />Trying?<br /><br />Holy fucking fuck! Give me a second here, I just accidentally inhaled a spoonful of cereal into my lungs....oh...god. My sinuses are filled with milk and tiny bits of dried strawberry...Jesus. Wow. That was. I don't even know what to do but just list adjectives: wonderful, astounding, awe-inspiring. I can't find the right word to describe it. Thesaurus.com is really letting me down - <a href="http://thesaurus.reference.com/browse/totally%20fucking%20awesome">http://thesaurus.reference.com/browse/totally%20fucking%20awesome</a> - I just don't know how to properly convey to you what I have just seen, no, experienced. I'll just try to take it step by step. A dude and a lady are standing on a street in Venice next to a canal. They're drinking, which may account for why the girl seems to be speaking with a Russian accent. All of a sudden a giant CGI shark leaps out of the canal in a cloud of CGI water. Leaps like a goddamn jellyfish with a rocket strapped to it's dick! Snatches the mother fucker right off of the street and continues to fly into the air, hapless drunken Italian dangling half-way out of it's mouth, screaming like an effeminate black metal vocalist trying to imitate a condor. All rendered in the most pathetically fantastic CGI I've seen since the transformation scene in Dark Wolf. I'm talking N64 graphics. Yeah, that crappy/bitchin. Man, when the shark grabs him there's a sound like if an elephant stepped on an ostrich egg that was filled with jello molds of an orangutans cock. Jesus. I don't know how Stephen Baldwin keeps picking winners like this. It's incredible. He needs to give his agent a raise. That was, like, nine times cooler than the coolest thing I could ever think of, which would probably be... a werewolf boxing a unicorn. Imagine how cool that would be...times fucking nine - Your mind has officially just been raped.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQ5hfhTldjyyFSMDXCLM649183uYI46orVd0LkUl4yVP5HEd9r7VGV6441eTkmRtWe9V28hje51S9wJEXlROnhvR7BGinbi0k_PlvV5cLiW2spxt70GcMfOIaNe4OxFvzqaHBhVLIRWvyl/s1600-h/vlcsnap-3141531.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 180px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQ5hfhTldjyyFSMDXCLM649183uYI46orVd0LkUl4yVP5HEd9r7VGV6441eTkmRtWe9V28hje51S9wJEXlROnhvR7BGinbi0k_PlvV5cLiW2spxt70GcMfOIaNe4OxFvzqaHBhVLIRWvyl/s320/vlcsnap-3141531.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5299870193207227122" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">There's a shark in there somewhere.</span><br /><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9uy-0eGK4LmGEpnFaPgTWDBNxHh9tLcPh8r1sd5JhmD_2htE_mv8yik1s03dmA5eFSz8IyfyEN9tRboreZ2_dAR730IJCXdxpdMASq9UIDHZ-0fAW-xMhiiRI-mqjjnzMbciVGE6HrZ25/s1600-h/vlcsnap-3142043.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 180px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9uy-0eGK4LmGEpnFaPgTWDBNxHh9tLcPh8r1sd5JhmD_2htE_mv8yik1s03dmA5eFSz8IyfyEN9tRboreZ2_dAR730IJCXdxpdMASq9UIDHZ-0fAW-xMhiiRI-mqjjnzMbciVGE6HrZ25/s320/vlcsnap-3142043.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5299870202831447714" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">I can't even imagine what must be going through his head. </span><br /></div><br />Before I started this movie, I had a thought. That thought was: "Man, I sure hope there's a scene in which a shark jumps out of a canal and to snatch a bystander off of the street." Guess what - There was. Strangely enough, this movie, no matter how bad it sucks, is consistently living up to and exceeding my expectations. I keep joking about things I'd like to see happen, never thinking that they actually will, and then they fucking do! Is this some kind of mystical, enchanted DVD that's reading my mind and projecting my deepest desires onto the screen? Given the gratuitous lack of a cinnamon colored big-foot humping an Asian nun while Metallica’s Harvester of Sorrow plays in the background I’m forced to assume no. It’s still pretty rad, though.<br /><br />Stephen Baldwin's lady companion has been kidnapped by the Italian version of the mafia's elite team of ninja Hench-men. I’m not sure if they were ninjas or not, but they were dressed all in black and they kicked Baldwin’s ass, so they must have been.<br /><br />I bet the master-mind behind the design for those gondolas never thought they'd need to be sturdy enough to survive a shark dive bomb. That's what happens when you lack foresight. You get people eaten by sharks. If he used walnut instead of mahogany that never would have happened.<br /><br />Thrilling foot chase/shoot-out/chainsaw fight/beating. Dude's got a chainsaw and you choose to combat that with wood? Wood? You do know chainsaws were made to saw through wood, with a chain, right? That's their entire function and purpose. Oh well, no one ever said smarts were Stephen Baldwin's strong point.<br /><br />What? He actually defeated a chainsaw with a wooden chair? That is one sturdy fucking chair. I guess it's true what they say about Venetian chair makers -- they're always ready to fight off a man with a chainsaw. I heard that somewhere, I think maybe when I was in Mexico back in 99’.<br /><br />I don't know if this is showcasing how badass Stephen Baldwin is or how inept the Venice police force is. Maybe a bit of both.<br /><br />Maybe it's just because it's 4:37 in the morning, but I'm kind of feeling like I would maybe enjoy it if this movie would end kind of soon.<br /><br />Wouldn't it be awesome to make a quesadilla out of burritos? Yes. But it would be more awesome to eat it. Sorry, I just ate a burrito, my mind isn't in the right place.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><br /></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTlOY7ao6vrnS2PuggtyOL0BIw1-0Enx_-26lleZwTLDIgffkziFCHmOtnRa4n3MqHXNNTb9JwDdxmQVWh_s0pA2M_fuylPmUDXmZ1OHDYM043i8dZw3ECutMfqLIZmnrnh63vzIlFftPQ/s1600-h/burrito.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTlOY7ao6vrnS2PuggtyOL0BIw1-0Enx_-26lleZwTLDIgffkziFCHmOtnRa4n3MqHXNNTb9JwDdxmQVWh_s0pA2M_fuylPmUDXmZ1OHDYM043i8dZw3ECutMfqLIZmnrnh63vzIlFftPQ/s320/burrito.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5299912147861240050" border="0" /></a>+<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivuEmk69XjTsqkqth-33lVMQijFl6u2UAbe-UOxM2-twK9i-gmc6sDxd2LPJhZokwtq8Ehwf3KNJb-FUA7uzo8Jjh56a5_GuPrH0ZnhViR7D_y53tvSF1hERZA3_sxB8muqnLAFFfUW4o1/s1600-h/quesadilla_dude04_400.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 260px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivuEmk69XjTsqkqth-33lVMQijFl6u2UAbe-UOxM2-twK9i-gmc6sDxd2LPJhZokwtq8Ehwf3KNJb-FUA7uzo8Jjh56a5_GuPrH0ZnhViR7D_y53tvSF1hERZA3_sxB8muqnLAFFfUW4o1/s320/quesadilla_dude04_400.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5299912148459151106" border="0" /></a>= <span style="font-weight: bold;">YUM</span><br /><br /></div>Holy shit. This Italian mobster put a bunch of baby great whites into the Venice canals so they would grow up to be his "watch dogs". His shark watch dogs. His watch sharks. I can't believe no one in Venice has figured that out in real life yet.<br /><br />Stephen Baldwin. Forced to dive against his will into shark infested waters to retrieve a bunch of lost treasure from a cavern under Venice for a shark-happy crime lord. Stephen Baldwin, with an exploding-harpoon gun. Underwater with sharks.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrYwaDE7N6aXzelHVrxZr4B2LB3Nth9JVcG0TQI_OVOJSG7kQkQ-ORdOW9pYKswyKu0mVnMchwTkNNgv8letPCP1RKu9-QYsr-hEKi1R3z1W749Yc3l1x3TDe53bYKpypFxceYHUlape6v/s1600-h/vlcsnap-3585526.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 180px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrYwaDE7N6aXzelHVrxZr4B2LB3Nth9JVcG0TQI_OVOJSG7kQkQ-ORdOW9pYKswyKu0mVnMchwTkNNgv8letPCP1RKu9-QYsr-hEKi1R3z1W749Yc3l1x3TDe53bYKpypFxceYHUlape6v/s320/vlcsnap-3585526.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5299871553275362178" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">And a claymore!</span><br /></div><br />Stephen Baldwin just shot a great white with an aqua-missile.<br /><br />This dude sent Baldwin and two of his lackeys underwater to get the treasure. One was killed by a shark (The lucky one), the other by Stephen Baldwin. To remedy the situation he decides to send MORE henchmen to swim through an army of sharks and then try to find and kill Stephen Baldwin. Somehow he's surprised when they die too.<br /><br />"What the fuck happened?!"<br />Maybe all those fucking sharks you set free underwater are, I don't know? Fucking killing people or something? Sharks eat people every once and a while, actually. Yeah. Who knew?<br /><br />These mafia henchmen must be remarkably well paid to jump into what basically amounts to an underwater maze filled to the brim with man-hungry sharks at the whims of their boss like this. Not even one of them has protested at all. No: "What? There’s sharks down there! Are you fucking crazy?" or “If you like sharks so much, you go get eaten by them”. When you think about it, they've got roughly a 50/50 chance of making it to the cavern, and a 40/60 chance of making it back; meaning the overall likelihood of death is like 118%. Can't argue with the numbers.<br /><br />Hey hey! The Venetian SWAT team are engaging the mafia death squad in a thrilling gun battle. This would be better if the sharks were involved somehow. Like everyone is underwater shooting at each other with the sharks devouring everything in sight.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_1xW7kTMv-FCCjg2XAoK82cC1ij7nbvSoGqaANZR4QgY7PpU-LZKiqsAhUP3ncnWtA4EbpLzlwP6Dm39jSAQef5wlR5XIJdoEO1NvWaqQin8w5xXvBIX5Dv5_6_5_QcFMawsRu12tjb5U/s1600-h/vlcsnap-3595507.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 180px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_1xW7kTMv-FCCjg2XAoK82cC1ij7nbvSoGqaANZR4QgY7PpU-LZKiqsAhUP3ncnWtA4EbpLzlwP6Dm39jSAQef5wlR5XIJdoEO1NvWaqQin8w5xXvBIX5Dv5_6_5_QcFMawsRu12tjb5U/s320/vlcsnap-3595507.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5299870216107368002" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">Just imagine they're underwater and there's sharks.</span><br /></div><br />Nu Image - revealing the dark side of Discovery Channel stock footage since 1999.<br /><br />That was actually a pretty decent shoot-out, for a Nu Image killer shark flick.<br /><br />"I know, Captain, there are no sharks in Venice."<br />But, dude, there totally are sharks in Venice. That's the plot and title of the movie.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhz9zmu_qI4u_bLCvdVLSQ6Padp94QtII3C1FLaLvttj8GeFxw5D4tB0RHBrnqczhg2YR7fKZkoCQlndZdHeBlMM_Vvrz2JRqlwjBpJBe4CwD3eAdIvXrjkwikFRz98Dfq98ZiamPlg7_Bj/s1600-h/vlcsnap-3599275.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 180px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhz9zmu_qI4u_bLCvdVLSQ6Padp94QtII3C1FLaLvttj8GeFxw5D4tB0RHBrnqczhg2YR7fKZkoCQlndZdHeBlMM_Vvrz2JRqlwjBpJBe4CwD3eAdIvXrjkwikFRz98Dfq98ZiamPlg7_Bj/s320/vlcsnap-3599275.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5299871567813259122" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">Exhibit A. That's Venice in the background FYI.</span><br /></div>TheDamnedThinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09028583081894515922noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438679366506011848.post-7011317553243970442009-01-04T06:11:00.019-09:002009-02-06T00:17:19.139-09:00Elves: Real Time Review<span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;" >Elves: Real Time Review</span>
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<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;" >Premise:</span><span style="font-family:arial;"> Nazis plot to take over the world by harnessing the power of a wacky little two-foot stabbing machine of an elf that's probably escaped from a Super Max Asylum in the north poll after he was put there for raping Donner and massacring Santa's workshop with a set of hand-made steak knives. Only Dan Haggerty (aka Grizzly Adams) stands in the way of the Elfegeddon.</span>
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<br /><a style="font-family: arial;" href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099496/">http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099496/</a>
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<br /><span style=";font-family:arial;font-size:100%;" >I've initiated a new rule for RTR-ing which states that before the beginning of every movie I must make a sandwich to be consumed during the duration of the review. So, even if this movie is like torture, I still have this badass sandwich I just made. Worst comes to worst the film strips my sanity away, and the sandwich restores it</span>
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<br /></span></p><span style=";font-family:times new roman;font-size:100%;" ><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9uLudHY2ptVIenA_ibEo20pDFpdV2w8RyLASrbuLKrIHaQMbhDVl_Pvd4BrdwWet-XCS-5gpNuVdRDEAzsn5e4sZbhls4EFMpabatFEwS4Mm3GHICKDL3nHcuz6Lpz8ZK2sS4EhXAqzez/s1600-h/sanwich.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9uLudHY2ptVIenA_ibEo20pDFpdV2w8RyLASrbuLKrIHaQMbhDVl_Pvd4BrdwWet-XCS-5gpNuVdRDEAzsn5e4sZbhls4EFMpabatFEwS4Mm3GHICKDL3nHcuz6Lpz8ZK2sS4EhXAqzez/s320/sanwich.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5287461416093767906" border="0" /></a></span><p style="text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;" class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size:78%;"><o:p> Hey, check it out. Know what that is? Yeah you do! Hey, guess what? Know who's not gonna eat it? Yeah, you know that to!</o:p></span></p><p style="text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;" class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p>
<br /></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">"Get over it Amy!"</span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Yeah, Amy, you fuckin bitch!</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Some stupid teenage girls are pulling some backyard “The Craft” female empowerment type BS, but also with a strong anti-Christmas subtext. They call themselves the sisters of Anti-Christmas, not terribly subtle for a group of anti-Christmas terrorists/witches. Might I suggest The Female Siblings of No More Santa-day?</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">"We're girls, the master-race, we can control everything and everyone."</span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">These chicks are simultaneously plotting to take over the world, and destroy Christmas. They’re like if The Grinch had a baby with Blofeld.</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">"Oh, no isn't this your grandfather's book</span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">“Yeah, he also told me never to come out here”</span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">“Oh, royal bust if he finds out”</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">What exactly does a royal bust entail? Spankings?</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Somehow one of these girls cut herself on a glass bowl and I guess her blood reacted with the soil to reanimated some kind of slimy green monster arm.</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">This chick goes home and slyly replaces her old German grandfather's book back on its shelf, unaware that he is sneakily wheeling his crippled ass up to her from behind. When she turns around he slaps her one right to the kisser, then once more. The first for stealing his book, the second because he assumed she was going to lie about why she stole his book. Proving that just because he can't walk, doesn't mean he can't still show the bitches who the alpha dog is.</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p><div style="text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlf1lqUgWaVhoEAqPfi88ZafsOTnUNigdf0uH7mo7XJJUOhq5wXFOkr7yTtVysnE78xFMY6kOxVhZ1SuWDfOU8KvSean5n1jsiWK21Sz-ju2_Gu7En1S7S5kLTZ_1Ki4nayeLyqtdONpuN/s1600-h/vlcsnap-1620208.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 231px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlf1lqUgWaVhoEAqPfi88ZafsOTnUNigdf0uH7mo7XJJUOhq5wXFOkr7yTtVysnE78xFMY6kOxVhZ1SuWDfOU8KvSean5n1jsiWK21Sz-ju2_Gu7En1S7S5kLTZ_1Ki4nayeLyqtdONpuN/s320/vlcsnap-1620208.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5287458028956895538" border="0" /></a></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-size:78%;">"How dare you maybe lie to me in the future!"</span>
<br />
<br /></span></div><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">So we have a teenage manic depressive girl, a physically abusive old cripple who delights in handing out pre-emptive bitch-slaps, a mentally and emotionally abusive middle aged woman and a seven year old kid that swears like a sailor with Coprolalia and enjoys watching his sister in the shower so much that he's either remarkably heterosexual and doesn’t give a shit who the girl is as long as she’s naked, or is extremely gay and trying to compensate, all living in a house together. And there's also a cat. And a killer elf. Can you just imagine the possibilities? I can’t, which is why I must keep watching.</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">The elf silently creeps through the house in the dead of the night, prowling around like a tiny little olive green ninja on a mission to straddle sleeping young boys and breath in their faces until they wake up and begin to scream. Insidious.</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">"It was a fucking little midget troll!"</span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">This kid reminds me so much of me when I was that age, except for the whole watching his sister in the shower thing. I didn't have a sister, unfortunately. If I had, no doubt I would have watched the shit out of her in the shower. Unless she was ugly.
<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Look at this guys beard, who the fuck does he think he is, Grizzly Adams? Oh, wait...</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Evil Mom just stuffed the cat into a pillow case and...</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">"Santa said, Oral"</span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Hygiene, or….</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">This Santa's a total dick-sack.
<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p><div style="text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjje4aPDWxtVFteIGs8HxtavOB1iczvU3gU7sU-gMPB68byAOrkOegIIDHrGMQQDrN_DIfln2j9um5s5uUeIlNTeq49tq7_hK8ml4kb_ftvCjcc5UtWj6_0XgxkGn90yBvtfOVCr7UjGSPS/s1600-h/vlcsnap-1632668.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 231px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjje4aPDWxtVFteIGs8HxtavOB1iczvU3gU7sU-gMPB68byAOrkOegIIDHrGMQQDrN_DIfln2j9um5s5uUeIlNTeq49tq7_hK8ml4kb_ftvCjcc5UtWj6_0XgxkGn90yBvtfOVCr7UjGSPS/s320/vlcsnap-1632668.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5287458035326117378" border="0" /></a></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-size:78%;">"Oh, you want a present do ya? You want a present from Santa? </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:78%;" >Fuck you!</span><span style="font-size:78%;"> There's your fucking present!"</span>
<br />
<br /></span></div><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Now she's drowning it in the toilet. Someone's getting into the spirit of Christmas! Cat drowning’s been a tradition in my family since the 1890’s. Something about how a cat once drank all of Santa’s milk or something. The jist is, Santa hates cats.</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Crazy elf just stabbed a coke-head Santa impersonator in the dick about 18 times in a row until he died from sever crotchial hemorrhaging. </span><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p><div style="text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEim5FiMZ_6eWuurbHD8FkMy82KrnPqNkDgZ5KCTWvjrw8gqFprK2_CU-hIEALt0e5KnEkXXrCjct8ivCgWSS0VQ6SkcQIV1rCLOZuCX1AfivDugljlhee6Y8jycgFq064bNIGTmUsF_inFM/s1600-h/vlcsnap-1633176.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 231px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEim5FiMZ_6eWuurbHD8FkMy82KrnPqNkDgZ5KCTWvjrw8gqFprK2_CU-hIEALt0e5KnEkXXrCjct8ivCgWSS0VQ6SkcQIV1rCLOZuCX1AfivDugljlhee6Y8jycgFq064bNIGTmUsF_inFM/s320/vlcsnap-1633176.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5287458043285079314" border="0" /></a></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-size:78%;">"I don't give a shit if I told that elf I'd share my coke with him, he can get his own. Not like he'll ever find out..."</span>
<br />
<br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9nHExSiLBSSr2Z4nh2gWxLRqFjHBnTB69g668GJQ6iAuOTt4c3Aw8xS4F6Zmt4QRoFp_si6b94tbvih9r2u8vuh6rzFe2jjHTtKf8c5Tl6pJ3F-j_vsLQSce2PICm2rTZuj4R0Jdc3nDK/s1600-h/vlcsnap-10113251.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 231px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9nHExSiLBSSr2Z4nh2gWxLRqFjHBnTB69g668GJQ6iAuOTt4c3Aw8xS4F6Zmt4QRoFp_si6b94tbvih9r2u8vuh6rzFe2jjHTtKf8c5Tl6pJ3F-j_vsLQSce2PICm2rTZuj4R0Jdc3nDK/s320/vlcsnap-10113251.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5287459554573216354" border="0" /></a></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-size:78%;">"Why hey there Mr. Scrotum, my name is Mr. Elf. I'd like to introduce you to a very good friend of mine. His name is Mr. Knife..."</span>
<br />
<br /></span></div><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">I don't understand these POV shots, they're presumably supposed to be from the Elf's perspective, but they're moving around right out in the open. I think someone would notice something that looks like Warwick Davis' deformed brother running around with a kitchen knife.</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">"He was a pervert and a drug addict and someone killed him, isn't that the spirit of Christmas?" Stabbing coke-fiends dressed as Santa in the wiener till they bleed to death the spirit of Christmas? Not as accepted by most of mainstream society, but December would be much more interesting if it was. Christmas, the season of giving...coke heads forced castrations!</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Basic round up the plot so far: teenage girl lives with abusive grandpa, cat-murdering mother and foul mouthed tit crazy kid brother while a stab happy, cock hating evil elf runs around and wreaks havoc upon the wangs of those who impersonate Santa to support their cocaine habits after being somehow inadvertently summoned from the depths of three feet under-ground. Meanwhile, life shits on Grizzly Adams as he loses his job and gets kicked out of his trailer, but at least he still has his one and oldest friend -- tobacco.
<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">On the plus side, Grizzly Adams found a job (as Santa, basically Grizzly Adams, only he gives away free shit instead of running around fighting Grizzly bears for money, or whatever the fuck it is Grizzly Adams does) on the minus side, his job involves risk of cock-stabbing and getting pissed on by little kids.</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">"When there is no more room in hell...the elves will walk the earth"</span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Why does that line sound familiar...?</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Holy shit, is gramps a Nazi?!</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">I just can't figure it out. What is the connection between grandpa, the elf, and the nazi party? What does it all mean?!</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Isn't elves plural for elf? Plural meaning more than one? Well, so far, I've only seen the one elf. Math was never my strong suit, so let me double check this equation: 1 + 0 =</span><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span><span style="font-size:100%;">(thinking...thinking...) One…?</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Ok, I made myself another sandwich and I'm ready to rock this bitch!
<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">*Revealing tits* "What do you think?"</span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Eh, maybe if you took the bra off I'd be able to render a proper verdict, but until then, I'm going to go with...take the fucking bra off!</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Don't you “SHH” Grizzly Adams! Didn't you know that living amongst the grizzlies instilled in him an unholy hunger for human meat!? He'll eat you, bitch! Run!</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Is Santa Adams living in the fucking mall? Well, maybe if he didn't smoke 18 packs a day he'd still have enough money to keep renting his trailer.</span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">I think there are some dudes trying to kidnap roller-nazi's granddaughter (Kirsten) to use in some kind of plot to create an evil nazi-elf army to take over the world in the name of Hitler. It’s really the only thing that makes logical sense to me at this point. And the fact that </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:100%;" >that, </span><span style="font-size:100%;">of all things, makes logical sense to me right now is a testament to the power of this film.</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">The last 8 minutes have been occupied by a remarkably ineptly filmed shootout between Dan Haggerty and the neo-nazi thugs, as well as the murder of a teenage girl at the hands of Hitler's favorite elf, Elfy McStabFace.</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p><div style="text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDmHgJIkMmXGjVWR09BUz0W4-DahWxGQdDwjijof7EGEKFVqtmXVNLNfxsigIT1g1HttKfFxt3BrYaW9jv7Y6h7pEdhnoxKKvpcnLWpGBd91lV9KDVH5nsToRqD2ZlJG2xaa0WJbOZhzND/s1600-h/vlcsnap-9986041.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 231px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDmHgJIkMmXGjVWR09BUz0W4-DahWxGQdDwjijof7EGEKFVqtmXVNLNfxsigIT1g1HttKfFxt3BrYaW9jv7Y6h7pEdhnoxKKvpcnLWpGBd91lV9KDVH5nsToRqD2ZlJG2xaa0WJbOZhzND/s320/vlcsnap-9986041.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5287458046428360786" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">"</span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-size:78%;">Pss, lady, I got a present for you...</span>
<br />
<br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgj7SFl7SkkoN3IWkRUQNdWCT4Mr5OBGIQqLXkrcWqj9_mVjqECNNTpRfEbt5Dwzpjnug_YB0Slg_wbU3NsJu2e3VSgk7mskhBbIb8Pp8PMspl5X-ys2WO_XYEgYhH-ua4D-weEOGNYlkOE/s1600-h/vlcsnap-9986480.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 231px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgj7SFl7SkkoN3IWkRUQNdWCT4Mr5OBGIQqLXkrcWqj9_mVjqECNNTpRfEbt5Dwzpjnug_YB0Slg_wbU3NsJu2e3VSgk7mskhBbIb8Pp8PMspl5X-ys2WO_XYEgYhH-ua4D-weEOGNYlkOE/s320/vlcsnap-9986480.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5287458052927576546" border="0" /></a></span></div><p style="text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;" class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size:78%;">...And it ain't a fucking nintendo! YAAGH!"</span></p><p style="text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;" class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">He's got 24 hours. Is it enough time? He really doesn't know if it's enough time, but it better be enough time.
<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Grizzly Adam’s run of bad luck continues. He’s been fired from his job for doing nothing more than protecting a teenage girl from neo-Nazis and killer elves. At this rate I wouldn't be surprised if Life physically manifested and personally took a dump right on his face as he sleeps in an ally somewhere under a stack of newspapers, using a dozen empty cigarette cartons as a pillow.</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">"It was a troll, not a raccoon, a troll!"</span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">What kind of people can't tell the difference between a troll and an elf? They're entirely different. Trolls are thicker, and heavier with more bone mass and their skin is a deeper shade of green. Elves are shorter, skinnier and are olive colored. Get your shit straight, people.
<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Sounds to me like senile old roller-nazi is looking to redeem himself and end that stab-mad midget's reign of terror once and for all. Or maybe he's just looking for attention like most old people are when they talk about crazy elves.
<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">"What the hell were these Nazis gonna do with these elves?"</span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">I've been longing to hear this line spoken allowed for so long, and yet I never realized until just now.</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">That bearded juggernaut they call Dan Haggerty is finally putting the pieces together. The pieces being "Nazis" and "elves".</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">"The man in the study is your grandfather...AND YOUR FATHER!"</span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Jesus McShitballs! This is like an episode of Jerry Springer if hosted by Dan Haggarty and featuring a psychotic deformed midget that runs out and stabs a guest to death at random throughout. And plus Nazis.
<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">"You know I'm a member of neighborhood watch!"</span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Oooh, well excuse me Mr. Elf Professor, I guess I'll haul my ass on out of here before you go get your little “suspicious activity” journal and log down: "Large man broke into my house and bludgeoned family to death”. Why don’t you </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:100%;" >watch </span><span style="font-size:100%;">me take a piss on your turkey dinner then tell the </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:100%;" >neighborhood </span><span style="font-size:100%;">all about it after you get out of traction, fuck-stick! What kind of fucking threat is that? Neighborhood watch?! Honestly, you know that doesn’t actually mean anything, don’t you? Jesus fucking Christ, man. I can’t even get angry at you, you’re just too fucking pathetic, you know that? I wish I could get angry, it’d be better than this strange melding of pity and utter bewilderment that I’m experiencing right now. I just feel sorry for you more than anything else, really. I feel sorry that you’re such a goddamn vagina, and that your wife is probably cheating on you with your best friend the Troll Professor and your children are more than likely stealing money from your wallet to buy peyote because none of them have any respect for you because when you’re confronted by big scary bearded men you threaten them with the knowledge that you belong to the neighborhood fucking watch. </span><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span><span style="font-size:100%;">I hope someone cuts your nut-skin off and feeds it to your dog. Assface.
<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">"I want to know the connection between elves and Nazis"</span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">No sentence containing the words "elves" and "Nazis" can possibly be anything but totally fucking awesome.</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Elf Professor: "Each elf was to house the haploid gene structure in its sperm cells to produce the master race, once again, magical powers, can't be hurt or killed. Driven to select the genetically perfect human mate the proverbial virgin of course holy midnight consummation on Christmas eve."</span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Dan Haggerty: "Wait a minute, you mean tonight?"</span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Elf Professor: "The elf mates with the virgin on Christmas eve to produce the master race and it will eventually rule the world"</span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">What the shitting dick nipples? This is shaping up like some creepy Japanese animated monster rape porn. Not that I would have any first hand knowledge of what those are like. . .</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p><div style="text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVSmvP7vfb-vTAgbagk0nwAXCyrdFN2o0988p1aNHqz6Wp9NCi5w2fAzXYgSmM9nGhdjyWJEUSUCiRLIyzo2wEEkvkNm-UAygxuyeMFoq_FKkjsP5tAbAZ1ieDqmfQ8eRX2cIZLMhuzGA4/s1600-h/vlcsnap-10112458.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 231px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVSmvP7vfb-vTAgbagk0nwAXCyrdFN2o0988p1aNHqz6Wp9NCi5w2fAzXYgSmM9nGhdjyWJEUSUCiRLIyzo2wEEkvkNm-UAygxuyeMFoq_FKkjsP5tAbAZ1ieDqmfQ8eRX2cIZLMhuzGA4/s320/vlcsnap-10112458.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5287473450216611778" border="0" /></a></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-size:78%;">The Elf: rapin chicks and stabbin dicks since 1989.</span>
<br /></span></div><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">*In reference to banging his daughter* "It was not traumatic for her at all, she was drugged and unconscious"</span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Dude, I've tried that excuse, it's not gonna fly. Woman are just irrational about that kind of stuff.</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">So, the grandfather knocked up his daughter to birth his daughter/granddaughter, so that she would be pure enough to get forcibly impregnated by an elf so she can Vagina-slide out the master race of nazi elf men, finally bringing Hitler's master plan to fruition? That is just a whole shit-load of shrooms worth of screenwriting right there.</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Grizzly Adams just beat the shit out of a nazi! Now that's what I call catharsis!</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">"What's wrong, are we going to be alright?"</span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">"No willy, gramps is a Nazi."</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">And an incestuous rapist, and a German, and old, but even beyond all that, he can't fucking walk! Look at that thing he's sitting on. That's a chair that rolls! He needs it because he can't use his legs! What the fuck is that shit?!
<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Gramps gets the best fucking lines in this movie. I'm pretty fucking sure that they just flew an old hobo in from Germany, put him on film and let him cut loose.</span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">"I impregnated by own daughter to produce an offspring that would be suitable to mate with the...elf"</span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">"There will be an army of elves!"</span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">You can't write that shit!</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p>Dan Haggerty is knuckle raping these nazi fuck-cunts Their asses are going to be sore for a week after the fistic sodomy he's layin on em! You don't never fuck with a chain smoking mall santa/ex police detective who was raised by grizzly bears!
<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p><div style="text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHJUSGEMoB3mwCl7zqBm0ZAZrxtNE2NWFHUN8CoNyklPFiEcKIdtPs-0N1t9beUBpIylkkSAkgVnxfRHai3yDfDFJKdMuQhqWpyrqxvZAq3d7U3w-Qh1NGOzXzSk5drFa0CSRc116t6ZN2/s1600-h/vlcsnap-10042929.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 180px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHJUSGEMoB3mwCl7zqBm0ZAZrxtNE2NWFHUN8CoNyklPFiEcKIdtPs-0N1t9beUBpIylkkSAkgVnxfRHai3yDfDFJKdMuQhqWpyrqxvZAq3d7U3w-Qh1NGOzXzSk5drFa0CSRc116t6ZN2/s320/vlcsnap-10042929.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5287458468367446594" border="0" /></a></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-size:78%;">Dan Haggerty </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:78%;" >Hates </span><span style="font-size:78%;">Nazis!</span>
<br />
<br /></span></div><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">By far the best aspect of this movie has been the absolutely incomparable dialogue. Which I can only assume is the product of many, many hallucinogenic narcotics, clinical mental instability (probably due to some child-hood trauma involving being molested by one of Santa’s littler helpers at the mall), and several debilitating blows to the head.</span><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Aw yeah, he's gonna give her the elfing of a life-time...<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">And for the grand finale we have Kirsten being fondled by a rape-happy, stab-crazy nazi elf while her little brother runs around trying to retrieve a magical crystal that can send the tiny terror back to elf-hell before he can spring his trouser-elf and father a race of unstoppable, super Nazi-elves.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaTSVzZVAlsZsEO6FswhP07zKJ-jnFoReeIdl41qHJiE6xPssUMhOHFV1mjIVVRw-IPuq8lT1TIiApnO3u2kX0OaDfWBn9Pk8ISq0z8aIauc5ebI9V6lLAlPZIO_Ggx-e1kGY1pUXC_x7o/s1600-h/vlcsnap-10038860.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 180px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaTSVzZVAlsZsEO6FswhP07zKJ-jnFoReeIdl41qHJiE6xPssUMhOHFV1mjIVVRw-IPuq8lT1TIiApnO3u2kX0OaDfWBn9Pk8ISq0z8aIauc5ebI9V6lLAlPZIO_Ggx-e1kGY1pUXC_x7o/s320/vlcsnap-10038860.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5287458464133462226" border="0" /></a></span></p><div style="text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-size:78%;">"I'm gonna rape ya!"</span>
<br />
<br /></span></div><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">To the depths of the earth you return, elf, never to stab or fondle again!</span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">It's snowing, very Christmasy.</span></p> TheDamnedThinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09028583081894515922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438679366506011848.post-33564316198676262772008-12-20T10:32:00.010-09:002008-12-20T16:46:41.241-09:00Vampires vs Zombies: Real Time Review<span style="font-weight: bold;">Vampires vs Zombies: Real Time Review</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Premise</span>: Well, the premise is kind of like a. . .thing. . .it's sort of like if you walked into a coffee shop and there were 8 people standing there that first appeared to be nuns but they were all wearing clown make up for no reason and some of them had turtles on their feet, and they assaulted you with<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span>Nunchaku while screaming vaguely threatening remarks about how they're going to "turn your ass into a cheese cake factory", Then after you're beaten to a bloody pulp, the person working at the coffee shop walks over and farts in your mouth. That's the best I can do.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0408309/">http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0408309/</a><br /><br /><br />A full moon. Evil is afoot<br /><br />Or lesbian vampires are afoot, rather. I guess. Wait, scratch that, it was all a dream. Nothing is afoot. Not even lesbian vampires, unfortunately.<br /><br />A couple ran over a lizard man on the side of the road. Maybe it was supposed to be a zombie. Or maybe it was supposed to be a zombie lizard man? It looked like it had pickles for skin! I don’t know why they ran him over, he was probably just looking for a ride. Hate crime!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihbB1Xl5PRV0Ui98YTwb0LcMqMvXimFj1G2i6e9udzpmhsLBS9AF95jnQvRUpEOr42yuR78NS_oKR7fJD4WWrFoLW3uTBOJauepT_ka6DzXaD0v7kbjOzt9eYduIxivdnB7wJeClrad8nJ/s1600-h/vlcsnap-1998314.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihbB1Xl5PRV0Ui98YTwb0LcMqMvXimFj1G2i6e9udzpmhsLBS9AF95jnQvRUpEOr42yuR78NS_oKR7fJD4WWrFoLW3uTBOJauepT_ka6DzXaD0v7kbjOzt9eYduIxivdnB7wJeClrad8nJ/s320/vlcsnap-1998314.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5281960019223733154" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">A zombie, a vegetable man or an iguana person? You decide.</span><br /><br /></div>It really must be an emergency. You can tell because she keeps using words like “It’s” and “an” and “emergency”.<br /><br />This chicks name is Carmilla. If I hadn’t just watched The Vampire Lovers I might be surprised when it’s eventually revealed that she is a vampire.<br /><br />You need gas? Better stop for gas, then. At a station. A station that sells gas.<br /><br />This gas station scene has gone on approximately 12 seconds too long.<br /><br />“Have a nice day” It’ll be a lot easier once this fucking movie is over.<br /><br />Jesus Christ, is this movie <span style="font-style: italic;">about </span>the fucking gas station or what? No more gas station! NO MORE!<br /><br />Is this the same fucking gas station? Again!? So, did the people that made this movie know the owners of the gas station and they let them shoot there for free?<br /><br />Oh, wow, Carmilla was a vampire.<br /><br />“I could have snapped his neck before he took his next breath, but I needed him to take the bait. Why am I telling you all this?” Because I was confused, thanks for clearing that all up for me Brinke Stevens!<br /><br />There’s a father/daughter duo of vampire hunters driving down a road, and there’s also a gas station where nonsensical things keep happening over and over again.<br /><br />Yeah, these two are vampire hunters and I guess they’re engaging in some kind of cross country cat and mouse game with a vampire during a zombie holocaust?<br /><br />I don’t know who this old man is, but I like the way he rolls. This chick in the back seat gets mouthy so he buttons her lips shut with his elbow: (reenactment)“Shut the fuck up!” *Elbow*(End reenactment)<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6kKvfW0jOR65pKwZokvo7rYuEcC1OFcLFWknZjWMFsNRgkhyphenhyphenqIDwAUOi6NjbpxdYbzG0KvqzE7bcOasWGPRQh9LETq3S5r3cf6VJ4tuVIZLXuiMcuBgJNHvKwKRxeqUmWcbCKoFQkaApl/s1600-h/vlcsnap-1984688.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6kKvfW0jOR65pKwZokvo7rYuEcC1OFcLFWknZjWMFsNRgkhyphenhyphenqIDwAUOi6NjbpxdYbzG0KvqzE7bcOasWGPRQh9LETq3S5r3cf6VJ4tuVIZLXuiMcuBgJNHvKwKRxeqUmWcbCKoFQkaApl/s320/vlcsnap-1984688.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5281959596179470034" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtWv7q530Am8ilbOzpgtIehB8LFXL-xN1U3qWeI5ZxlK47SzV3W2hOkU8i9S9lmalYJuM-cu4bgsJ4Ev_SuZ6vDAE5Y2_TOjIBSjeFUxQJyptVsIFLbnhZHrORYB1uS5Myz4VqmLf7tze2/s1600-h/vlcsnap-1985616.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtWv7q530Am8ilbOzpgtIehB8LFXL-xN1U3qWeI5ZxlK47SzV3W2hOkU8i9S9lmalYJuM-cu4bgsJ4Ev_SuZ6vDAE5Y2_TOjIBSjeFUxQJyptVsIFLbnhZHrORYB1uS5Myz4VqmLf7tze2/s320/vlcsnap-1985616.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5281960045938746418" border="0" /></a><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQkEUEeUimbNjm-fFniMzOuBUHtpfexeBYduLKgqB_qnTXN_7AntKDTtvmHJn2Xz4U2CVYzxCXc2_1qh4vwDRS2scoli-kvVa9CVVK1AmiqwvJqQPmmYhC57DAT2kXj4tQS4tsTaTFdWDg/s1600-h/vlcsnap-1985377.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQkEUEeUimbNjm-fFniMzOuBUHtpfexeBYduLKgqB_qnTXN_7AntKDTtvmHJn2Xz4U2CVYzxCXc2_1qh4vwDRS2scoli-kvVa9CVVK1AmiqwvJqQPmmYhC57DAT2kXj4tQS4tsTaTFdWDg/s320/vlcsnap-1985377.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5281959609206465442" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">She should have shut the fuck up.</span><br /><br /></div>So this dude, Fontaine, and his daughter, Jenna, are trying to hook up with The General (otherwise known as Crazy-Elbows McGee) and they’re all trying to find and kill a vampire (Carmilla) who is actually tagging along with the father/daughter duo unbeknownst to them. In the meantime, there’s a gas station run by this guy...<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjL47dlKDsCh0FdXHSu4q6noP0ZWixqAVnT0tien_vbnhPOxvGYFlbB-8psatNiLS4LqCynwMYsG4S7I4PIsb7Jv9wHnmmfAieu50QAb2g0kR4g_BzvIT6mDlvH_iB_MCj6zxdPrfqPEIYZ/s1600-h/vlcsnap-1982345.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjL47dlKDsCh0FdXHSu4q6noP0ZWixqAVnT0tien_vbnhPOxvGYFlbB-8psatNiLS4LqCynwMYsG4S7I4PIsb7Jv9wHnmmfAieu50QAb2g0kR4g_BzvIT6mDlvH_iB_MCj6zxdPrfqPEIYZ/s320/vlcsnap-1982345.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5281959574400540178" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">Rinse and spit, dude. Not cool.</span><br /><br /></div>Oh, wait, so Fontaine is actually aware that Carmilla is a vampire? So, why don’t they kill her? Why are they driving her around? This movie isn’t making a whole bunch of sense; maybe I just need to pay more attention.<br /><br />After attempting to focus more on the movie to try to understand it I began to suffer intense migraines and tremors in my hands. All the blood rushed to my head and began to squirt out of my nose at which point I collapsed on the floor suffering from what I believe to be a panic attack. I was able to turn the TV off before all of my body’s blood supply could completely drain out of my face. I will take some time to collect myself and proceed with caution from here.<br /><br />I’m going to grab some fajitas.<br /><br />Lesbians! And suddenly my pain is diminished. Lesbian sex makes any movie bearable. At least for as long as it’s occurring on screen. These two chicks (Vampire, Carmilla, and Vampire Huntress, Jenna) pull over to take a break (from driving a car? It’s not that strenuous). Carmilla then starts fondling Jenna and they begin to make out. “I think we should go”, says Jenna; “You will” replies Carmilla. Not sure what that was supposed to mean (where will she go?), but it gave me an erection.<br /><br />“Aww shit, I got my period.” Jesus Christ, I’m eating over here! What the fuck?!<br /><br />I had no idea that a woman’s period involved her sprouting two small, bleeding holes on her inner thigh. I guess you learn something new about menstruation every day. Oh, wait, those were vampire bites weren’t they? Man, I feel like an ass.<br /><br />This is the most chilled out zombie apocalypse I've ever seen on film. I mean, the world is just functioning as normal, it’s as if people have accepted that running over green zombies every once in a while is just another part of life. Zombies really have nothing to do with this movie at all.<br /><br />This movie keeps descending into inexplicable dream sequences every 7 minutes. So often that I don’t know what’s real or what’s a dream. Not just in the movie, either. In real life, too.<br /><br />Has this film given me a tumor?<br /><br />“Can I get you a coffee or something?”<br />“Actually, I could use something stronger”<br />“Ah, copy that” *begins to remove pants*<br />“Whoa, wait, what the hell are you doing!?”<br />“What? What’s up?”<br />“Why were you taking your pants off?”<br />“Well…I just thought, when you said you wanted something stronger that you meant…”<br />“I was talking about meth”<br />“Oh, right! Right….” *continues to remove pants*<br />“Alright, fine, but you better have that fucking meth!”<br />I propose that all of this movie's ills could have been cured had the preceding taken place.<br /><br />The last 2 minutes have been the ocular equivalent of a crazy bum on the streets screaming gibberish about Communist yetis trying to steal his wiener. Oh, and it was another dream sequence. Or, maybe, the dream sequences are all real, and the real sequences are dreams! I think I finally figured it out.<br /><br />Was that a zombie or just a dead body? Or was it a vampire? It was just standing there in the middle of the road with a stake in its heart, holding a gun and dressed up in military garb. Then he fell over. I guess I’ll be generous and count it as a zombie, bringing the total number of zombies featured in the film up to …let’s see, carry the two, divided by 26…best estimate, three. And none of them have yet Versus’ed vampires.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXSkhLjr1Yx2Zo00fmQUHIqrNictthFqQrcM9zlHXl2utmoNcmHY9ZpGBH4xo-hLeo3uO2Pbnno-0UjW2aU2r24WS7A5PVCPHd8ENsEeJdif_NMghcsGT2yBcpfBJp7hOuWLWd2mNl3KsW/s1600-h/vlcsnap-1978511.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXSkhLjr1Yx2Zo00fmQUHIqrNictthFqQrcM9zlHXl2utmoNcmHY9ZpGBH4xo-hLeo3uO2Pbnno-0UjW2aU2r24WS7A5PVCPHd8ENsEeJdif_NMghcsGT2yBcpfBJp7hOuWLWd2mNl3KsW/s320/vlcsnap-1978511.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5281959566833142050" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">I call bullshit.</span><br /></div><br />Jenna: “And there’s already sheets on the bed…” It’s almost as if fate itself wants you two get it on, so it can watch, and touch itself…<br /><br />Jenna: “Carmilla, I don’t know”<br />Carmilla: “You do know Jenna, your protests are already less than half-hearted”<br />One third hearted protests against lesbian sex should be ignored entirely.<br /><br />So, the father daughter duo along with their vampiric travel companion have arrived at a church (approximately the forth setting used in the movie, along with Gas station, house and road) Then Jenna and Carmilla bone (only minus the “bone” because they’re both chicks) then we’re thrust into another inexplicable dream sequence that probably only makes sense in the writer's constantly LSD addled mind.<br /><br />In the dream sequence Jenna is seen in a mental asylum, while Fontaine states that she’s fucking crazy. Please, God, don’t tell me the entire movie is taking place in her head.<br /><br />These actors verbally ejaculate their dialogue like deaf monkeys that have been taught speech by an autistic Norwegian.<br /><br />I would rather watch lobsters fucking for 26 straight hours than ever watch this movie again.<br /><br />This church is chock full of zombie school girls! Right now they have a pretty good opportunity to turn the rest of the movie into full on fetish porn. I suggest they take it.<br /><br />How about a game? Try to envision this action sequence using only the following onomatopoeias: “WHAP” “POW” “THUD” “AGHH!” BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZ” “GRRRRR” “CRUNCH” “SQUISH” “SLICE”. How’d that go for you?<br /><br />The General has finally joined the party. Gotta love him.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh617tDqdDthi4klVeWq9Itg3PhP9yesZWySZALzHge2IUY8gJJH74pwmclAci1KdwK_4ZwtqWTFWGvW5zT76GKpz25tuDG0CwCv_2nbAjmYUEnIqWmTL1NyIkMYeMWHIcRtCgnZr5sLvBs/s1600-h/vlcsnap-1984166.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh617tDqdDthi4klVeWq9Itg3PhP9yesZWySZALzHge2IUY8gJJH74pwmclAci1KdwK_4ZwtqWTFWGvW5zT76GKpz25tuDG0CwCv_2nbAjmYUEnIqWmTL1NyIkMYeMWHIcRtCgnZr5sLvBs/s320/vlcsnap-1984166.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5281959589433428658" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">The General. He wants you to shut the fuck up.</span><br /></div><br />Ha, The General just elbowed another vampire! It’s like a reflex with him. Vampire tries to bite him, elbow to the face. Homeless man asks him for change, elbow to the face. Woman screams after being elbowed in the face by The General, elbow to the face.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCZCiFeo4sLmeSDgM-LlxiSJPYS596geQdBYm4rGoAeL_kS27D9l2Cp9qPrYH7pn2jjrg5tUC8n6gJEjlk7Wrfpj3zQQ66c78slgCy4oZ8qiw5HR1ykYKQCi8ODQdmnVukSt22yap7fEh2/s1600-h/vlcsnap-1990075.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCZCiFeo4sLmeSDgM-LlxiSJPYS596geQdBYm4rGoAeL_kS27D9l2Cp9qPrYH7pn2jjrg5tUC8n6gJEjlk7Wrfpj3zQQ66c78slgCy4oZ8qiw5HR1ykYKQCi8ODQdmnVukSt22yap7fEh2/s320/vlcsnap-1990075.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5281960041075012594" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">Taste the power!</span><br /></div><br />Apparently The General’s daughter became a vampire and Fontaine was forced to kill her. This upsets The General. The General does not approve. The General’s elbows are starting to itch…<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiN6KgChYQsduMDiYc-z5MNLiwZquAJqr34DQvQIoA0PIqFalUFCPeWYcPOzgr2L4BJt20xPMG_fLQcl7EiRWnqnPK5d25mLQ8I8mN2PVkulu9C44dH8OMP_zp5W44HFP2j2yFDWBDm0wQX/s1600-h/vlcsnap-1997829.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiN6KgChYQsduMDiYc-z5MNLiwZquAJqr34DQvQIoA0PIqFalUFCPeWYcPOzgr2L4BJt20xPMG_fLQcl7EiRWnqnPK5d25mLQ8I8mN2PVkulu9C44dH8OMP_zp5W44HFP2j2yFDWBDm0wQX/s320/vlcsnap-1997829.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5281960035726137154" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">The General is not amused.</span><br /></div><br />The General: “I’m gonna kill you for this!” Watch the elbows! THE ELBOWS!<br /><br />The General just staked Fontaine in the shoulder: “Get this stake out of me!”, Man, he really doesn’t like that stake being in him.<br /><br />Slightly red colored water just inexplicably appearing in places does not constitute special FX.<br /><br />Fontaine and The General have made amends. Thank God, I couldn’t stand to see those two fighting.<br /><br />The General’s words of wisdom: “Now let’s kill that fucking succubus!”<br /><br />So…<br />. . .<br /><br />The ending makes me feel as though my eyes have been sodomized by twin dongs of lunacy. What the fuck has just happened to my life? Now I know what it must feel like to get elbowed in the face by The General, or, at least, mentally elbowed.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtWv7q530Am8ilbOzpgtIehB8LFXL-xN1U3qWeI5ZxlK47SzV3W2hOkU8i9S9lmalYJuM-cu4bgsJ4Ev_SuZ6vDAE5Y2_TOjIBSjeFUxQJyptVsIFLbnhZHrORYB1uS5Myz4VqmLf7tze2/s1600-h/vlcsnap-1985616.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtWv7q530Am8ilbOzpgtIehB8LFXL-xN1U3qWeI5ZxlK47SzV3W2hOkU8i9S9lmalYJuM-cu4bgsJ4Ev_SuZ6vDAE5Y2_TOjIBSjeFUxQJyptVsIFLbnhZHrORYB1uS5Myz4VqmLf7tze2/s320/vlcsnap-1985616.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5281960045938746418" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">Whapow!</span><br /></div>TheDamnedThinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09028583081894515922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438679366506011848.post-71832058598612944372008-12-13T20:27:00.002-09:002009-02-11T02:03:15.529-09:00Shriek of the Mutilated: Real Time ReviewShriek of the Mutilated: Real Time Review
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<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Premise</span>: A college professor takes his students out on a field trip to find a killer yeti out on an island famous for its killer yeti. The killer yeti, surprisingly, kills people, and, in the end, there may be something even more nefarious than a killer yeti behind the people seemingly being killed by the yeti.
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<br /><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0072156/">http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0072156/</a>
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mso-font-signature:-1610611985 1073750139 0 0 159 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-unhide:no; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; margin-top:0in; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:10.0pt; margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} p.MsoNoSpacing, li.MsoNoSpacing, div.MsoNoSpacing {mso-style-priority:1; mso-style-unhide:no; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} .MsoChpDefault {mso-style-type:export-only; mso-default-props:yes; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} .MsoPapDefault {mso-style-type:export-only; margin-bottom:10.0pt; line-height:115%;} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.0in 1.0in 1.0in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --></style>The Picture quality is really bad on this upload so I can’t really tell, is that supposed to be a Yeti there or…Chewbacca?
<br />
<br /><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">What is this? Where is this music coming from? Is this from the movie or did my computer spontaneously turn gay on me?
<br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">They're at one of those "groovy" 70's disco parties I've heard so much about.
<br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">“No field trips! Tomorrow? He said there would be no more field trips!!”</p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">“Don’t get so excited, that’s all in the past.”</p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">I take it this guy got molested by the janitor at the Imaginarium as a child.</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">“It’s fabulous, this whole place is fabulous!” Jesus Christ, try not to blow a load all over your dinner salad, weirdo.
<br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">“This place has a rather exclusive and very unique clientele” What, dickheads?</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">"Where'd you go?"</p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">"After the same thing you're after, Prell's...thing!"</p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">This guy takes his classes out on field trips devoted entirely to finding his dong? That’s a little inappropriate for a college professor.</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Flash back to the last ill fated expedition to Yeti Island where a man is savagely mauled by some kind of cave-man-esque creature wearing the fur of a sheep dog.</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">So this dude, Dr. Prell, takes his students out on a journey to some kind of island of Yeti's and in a past field trip several of his students were killed, one of the survivors goes to a party with a bunch of Prell's new students, gets liquored up and then starts monologing in front of the whole crowd, bottle in hand, about his horrible yeti-abundant ordeal, then proceeds to laugh manically and chug some vodka: "I'm not crazy! *chug chug* The Yeti will kill you too! *Chug chug* He'll kill you all!...where'd all my vokda go...?”. Here’s some free advice, boozy, if you want people to believe a fantastic tale of yours, best to tell it without: A. Breaking down in tears, B. laughing like a bi-polar clown whose balloon animal just exploded or C. slamming hard liquor. He might as well dress up in a bear outfit and juggle bowling pins while free-basing cocaine when telling the story and expect people to believe him. Actually, I'd be more inclined to believe a juggling, coke-fiend bear-man than a crazy alcoholic dude.</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSQ63GyId_3MrUoVIqcqalM3J_VmjOnSw3KgBZ00zOHNFgGnKnuoXaGjH_llhDEcala9Iag8POy4QN7U0JqR73citxNMdKFl2zao7CtwLiN1-ahDznr3fhEo6c9XLpnBERzxAajBdH2_lP/s1600-h/vlcsnap-2349442.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 230px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSQ63GyId_3MrUoVIqcqalM3J_VmjOnSw3KgBZ00zOHNFgGnKnuoXaGjH_llhDEcala9Iag8POy4QN7U0JqR73citxNMdKFl2zao7CtwLiN1-ahDznr3fhEo6c9XLpnBERzxAajBdH2_lP/s320/vlcsnap-2349442.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5279513919234893746" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">"I'm not crazy, there's a yeti out there, he'll kill you all!"</span>
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<br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeGmQnJQcIQPbne0esXDc_GL93BScXKqampJAXMSe2j6k2kctwGCsQ7a1zynZYW_ufmjr9R413gKTaRXqSSYgsMBFvE4mixJMqwCUXcRWk-Ak2aEr0XATznuuGDDZ9Cb6C62GEz8MYRqoX/s1600-h/vlcsnap-2349469.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 230px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeGmQnJQcIQPbne0esXDc_GL93BScXKqampJAXMSe2j6k2kctwGCsQ7a1zynZYW_ufmjr9R413gKTaRXqSSYgsMBFvE4mixJMqwCUXcRWk-Ak2aEr0XATznuuGDDZ9Cb6C62GEz8MYRqoX/s320/vlcsnap-2349469.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5279513920223826018" border="0" /></a>
<br /></div><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">And now another group of young, bright eyed students are doomed to the same fate as Prell's last field trip.
<br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /><span style=""> </span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Rummy McBoozeface and his lady friend go home and, like a true alky, he heads straight for his stash of hooch, his wife takes exception and knocks it out of his hands at which point it shatters in the sink, spilling the sweet, sweet nectar within down the drain to be lost forever. This angers the boozeaholic and seemingly triggers his Post Yeti Stress Syndrome because he grabs a knife and cuts his wife's throat with it. Like any rational thinking person he decides the best course of action after an impulsive, alcohol fueled act of homicide would be to wash the blood off of his clothes, so he fills the bathtub with water and hops in fully dressed, but not before grabbing a beer, where he sits scrubbing the blood stains on his shirt with a brush and knocking back his brewskie. Apparently his drunkeness hindered his murder abilities because his wife wasn't totally dead, Just faking, I guess. Anyway, she decides enough is enough and it's time to end the relationship, by tossing a toaster oven into the bathtub with her soon to be ex as he is passed out, covered in blood and filled with alcohol in a tub of water, and fry the nutty fruit-basket alive, to death. Which she does. Then she dies too. Which just goes to prove, two wrongs don't make a right, but they make for damn fine entertainment.</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvVTZy0cVHQJlSWs8J4kC5mt0u34A-YWWYangdL80UtSDR9IEjMxsFJ7RovP5EuP8amJQKvjo0Exru5aX9Ey2v0g-R07J_7wC_3tNa1kQWUXI7Ij0eiUuaWpn973ZZBr-7kYz9bBmVKZZJ/s1600-h/vlcsnap-2361084.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 230px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvVTZy0cVHQJlSWs8J4kC5mt0u34A-YWWYangdL80UtSDR9IEjMxsFJ7RovP5EuP8amJQKvjo0Exru5aX9Ey2v0g-R07J_7wC_3tNa1kQWUXI7Ij0eiUuaWpn973ZZBr-7kYz9bBmVKZZJ/s320/vlcsnap-2361084.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5279514766274166418" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">Who needs a wife when you've got beer and a bathtub to drink it in?</span>
<br />
<br /></div><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">The doctor and his students have finally arrived on YetiDeath Island. <span style=""> </span>They hook up with some supposed yeti researching yetiologist that lives there and hunts yetis all day long. He has long, hair and he wears sweaters. And a mustache.
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<br /><span style=""> </span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">"There's a man with an axe!"</p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">"My indian?"</p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">"I guess so!"</p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">"Don't be frightened, that's laughing crow, I asked him to chop a few logs for us. He's a harmless old buzzard, and he takes very good care of me"</p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Hey, to anyone else that's seen this movie; did anyone get the impression that Laughing Crow and this dude have some kind of...something going on? Like...sort of a . . .weird. . .you know? Like with. . . gay sex or something?</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Tom is a Douche-bag.</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj28-vdwxzcQqTHNWTvWgkx-yCEZcWFZ9tZCqN7suwmGrTGG6ChD4rSbAltPn-nmGVjqg5Mgdhe97eOMmD-YbYnymgA_whXiHbWMIMrcBiEadswJCpwSs5FJo29ZpUH4zbg2woXIH8tryfL/s1600-h/vlcsnap-2387784.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 230px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj28-vdwxzcQqTHNWTvWgkx-yCEZcWFZ9tZCqN7suwmGrTGG6ChD4rSbAltPn-nmGVjqg5Mgdhe97eOMmD-YbYnymgA_whXiHbWMIMrcBiEadswJCpwSs5FJo29ZpUH4zbg2woXIH8tryfL/s320/vlcsnap-2387784.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5279514795061788546" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">Tom. He's a douche-bag.</span>
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<br /></div><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Goddamnit I hate Tom. I hate Tom more than I've ever hated a person, fictional or otherwise. Every time I see his pasty, shit-eating face with his greasy hair and silly boots I want to pull his head off his shoulders and beat him to death with it. Here's hoping he gets sodomized by a yeti and bleeds to death out of his ass.
<br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Tom is dead, DEAD! Hallelujah! His death scene was short, so we didn't get many details, all we saw was the yeti charge him, jump him, and start bitch-slapping him. What I think happened afterwards, though, is the yeti pulled his dick off, and gagged him with it, then broke off<span style=""> </span>his hands and slapped him across the face with them until it peeled off, then the yeti got up, peed on him, replaced his eyes with his testicles, then ripped his heart out and shoved it up his ass. Or at least that’s what I like to think happened.
<br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">This girl looks like a live action Velma from Scooby Doo, red hair, nerd glasses and everything. She’s not as hot as Velma, though.
<br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">She's not nearly as smart as Velma, either. After she freaks out (presumably after spotting the Yeti) She high-tails it. Reasonable, right? Running away from homicidal yetis is only natural? Yeah, but she runs into the fucking forest, the forest of death and yetis, instead of into the house, back to people and safety. Still, that's not all. After running through the forest in a blind panic for a bit, she gets her foot caught between two rocks. After exhausting all possibilities of escape, and by that I mean jerking her fucking leg forward over and over again despite repeated lack of success, she eventually falls over and get's Yeti-pwned. That shit never would have happened to Velma.</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">In the end, though, the Yeti probably saved her from getting date-raped by this lecherous old Yeti professor who lives on Yeti Island alone with his mute Indian caretaker and probably hasn't even seen a woman in 6 years.</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9lOwaeY0FUavhAZqXAbEbDgKzZifn8RJQJZZ7G2h1zBk8XKNTUk0d0tXpGCS93MvCpb_6_puchgdoRQ4L9jnmuhOK1EmQYOA_1wur99nQFxTjxDpoKbKcPxMyzGJWSWGwL9NlbhKSX8qJ/s1600-h/vlcsnap-2513839.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 230px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9lOwaeY0FUavhAZqXAbEbDgKzZifn8RJQJZZ7G2h1zBk8XKNTUk0d0tXpGCS93MvCpb_6_puchgdoRQ4L9jnmuhOK1EmQYOA_1wur99nQFxTjxDpoKbKcPxMyzGJWSWGwL9NlbhKSX8qJ/s320/vlcsnap-2513839.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5279515006040468754" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">Rapist? You decide. (The answer is "yes", by the way)</span>
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<br /></div><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">So, to get you folks caught up. We’ve got two dead college students, two living college students, Dr. Prell and his Yeti Hunting island dwelling colleague and his mute native side-kick. The two surviving students are a girl who is flipping her shit literally every second she’s on screen (She flips out so often and so fervently, in fact, that doctor Prell had to punch her right in the fucking head. Not even a slap, he slammed her direct to the side of the face.) and the leading man who is so vacuous and forgettable that I can’t remember his characters name longer than 6/8ths of a second after I hear it. I’ll just call him Chuck Tompkins. Plus there’s a yeti.</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Is it just me or is this yeti a lot smaller than the average yeti? The thing looks about 4 feet tall. Looks more like a little kid wearing polar-bear fur pants and a shaggy parka with fake Dracula fangs. Like if Dracula and a polar bear boned and had a giant baby. That’s what it looks like. Exactly.</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">They're using bits of Toms leg as bait to try to trap the Yeti. Looks like they finally found a use for that cuntwaffle of a waste of humanity after all. I’m glad to know his remains are soon to be yeti shit.</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Constantly hysterical girl and Chuck Tompkins got into a fight about constantly hysterical girls constant hysterics. Chuck is as tired of her shit as everyone else is, I guess. Can’t say I blame him. Nope, can’t blame the Chuck.</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Chuck: “Now you've gone to far!”</p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">CHG: “I don't think I've gone far enough!”</p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Chuck: “Yes you have!”</p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">CHG: “Nope!”</p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Chuck: “Yep!”</p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Yeti: “Would somebody shut that bitch up already! Every time I’m about to kill one of you her shrill screams drive my testicles into my torso and I have to retreat to my cave in the forest of doom.”</p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Chuck: “Holy shit, where’d that dude in the sheep-dog body suit come from?!”</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">He put that bitch in her place. She's been grating on my nerves for a while now with her "There's a yeti on the island!", "my friends are dead!", “Don't use their corpses as bait to catch the yeti that’s on the island!" Bullshit. Change the fucking record already.
<br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">In their last ditch plan to capture the Yeti they're rigging a series of trip wires to a dead body and then. . . they'll shoot it, I guess.
<br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Whoa, what? Wasn't it just night time? Man, I zoned out for a second.</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Did somebody just hit Chuck over the head with a stick or did he just have a narcoleptic episode?</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Is that indian cooking a human head into a stew? What has been happening over the last 5 minutes? A series of utterly nonsensical occurrences just took place. They were hunting the yeti, then out of nowhere Chuck runs off into the forest by himself and the sun has risen, then the mute native is listening to kids music and is scolded, at which point he cuts a dead bodies head off and turns it into a pot roast. Also, someone hit the Chuckster over the head with a stick and knocked him out...</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Ahh...Ok! So the whole thing was some kind of trick the scientists, Clark the Yetiologist and Prell, put on to lure kids onto the island so they could kill them all and eat them? So is there a Yeti or what?</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">So I guess these guys are actually, like, were-yetis. They're yetis in disguise as people. I mean, I just made that up, but it makes as much sense as anything else that's going on in this movie.</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Yeti time! What's the time? Yeti time!</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFwpWmLxzES0sf9LlH02JCDtp9PJYOp0SrnRXZJHKehwfGCNCnBUceTu4NAQOYEwy7eXFfJNSsALLY2gedldssk2jUWsHGdWzbFcliIuQpvz9yswReqZaiXKxXb5-QqlIjqi4_LIYyA8Mh/s1600-h/vlcsnap-2529395.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 230px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFwpWmLxzES0sf9LlH02JCDtp9PJYOp0SrnRXZJHKehwfGCNCnBUceTu4NAQOYEwy7eXFfJNSsALLY2gedldssk2jUWsHGdWzbFcliIuQpvz9yswReqZaiXKxXb5-QqlIjqi4_LIYyA8Mh/s320/vlcsnap-2529395.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5279514771817322818" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">My God is that a...</span>
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<br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvkXNZOTHzBXQtigFa7sEbqwQFXNLGo-O17XbHYd0FThVEzWfMRWifrfWnaFmc7IGO8zY3Anie541zoC-xQZNcft0H2VINALQCuRNqJHOveqx3FNH8GDkZdSlwUFAfHkXrhETWNedF56Ul/s1600-h/vlcsnap-2529425.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 230px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvkXNZOTHzBXQtigFa7sEbqwQFXNLGo-O17XbHYd0FThVEzWfMRWifrfWnaFmc7IGO8zY3Anie541zoC-xQZNcft0H2VINALQCuRNqJHOveqx3FNH8GDkZdSlwUFAfHkXrhETWNedF56Ul/s320/vlcsnap-2529425.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5279514775286554514" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">Could it be a...</span>
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<br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCEsCis-iaJVAIpu2UM9ti9bBGSQ64vXLJ73vSI37ZYbAHOcIy-cSH16-w_DpqFVFrXAa_T7lVmTIJf_Kl9ZLhogBVfDJJOfGnlfU2HukiCDOeU3hQ5tgz7FFZ1C6pJ-UxJYmrLwCwAMdT/s1600-h/vlcsnap-2529489.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 230px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCEsCis-iaJVAIpu2UM9ti9bBGSQ64vXLJ73vSI37ZYbAHOcIy-cSH16-w_DpqFVFrXAa_T7lVmTIJf_Kl9ZLhogBVfDJJOfGnlfU2HukiCDOeU3hQ5tgz7FFZ1C6pJ-UxJYmrLwCwAMdT/s320/vlcsnap-2529489.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5279514791062700866" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">YEEEETTTTTIIIIII!!!!!!!</span>
<br />
<br /></div><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style=""> </span></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">So there is a yeti. So, are the Yeti and the scientists in cahoots or something? Are they working together? Is the Yeti their pet?
<br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Why are any of the things that are happening in this movie happening in this movie? Nothing makes sense. The movie was awful from the start, but it was pretty straight forward: College kids on an island, yeti on the island, yeti kills kids. Now everything has just gone to shit. It’s as if billions of tiny spores of insanity have been emitted from the screen, clawed their way into my brain and started fucking the shit out of each other in a massive orgy of madness.</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">So there was never a yeti! So that's why the Yeti always looked like a dude in a bleached gorilla suit, because it was one!
<br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Apparently the master-plan is to lure people to this island so they can scare them to death and then put on elaborate dinner parties where they serve the dead bodies as meat. It's like the pieces of a puzzle have finally fallen into place, and that puzzle is actually a picture of donkeys raping each other.
<br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">They're all devil worshiping cannibals who put together elaborate schemes to kill people and eat them. I feel so...fucking...cheated. I am genuinely pissed off about this. Go and ruin a perfectly good killer yeti movie with an unnecessary twist ending.
<br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">They're trying to convert Chuck into a cannibal like them, so he'll go forth and spread the legend of the yeti.
<br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">They’re all just chilling at the dinner table while Prell monologues to Chuck about their people-eating racket for about 5 minutes straight.</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Chuck: "It was all a charade! There is no Yeti!"</p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Dude! Every fucking sentence spoken to you over the last six straight fucking minutes has been one variation</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"> or another of those words. How goddamn many times do you need to be told “No fucking yeti, we eat people, it was all fake!” for you to understand?!
<br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Now all 10 or so of the dinner guests have chased Chuck into the other room and are poking him with their salad forks as he writhes on the ground and screams in pain. They stabbed him into unconsciousness with forks! Uh oh, Chuck, it looks like you’re forked. Hah, get it? </p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj_V8Gv-RT-omFjbr_IvTyJ_CHY_MhVIQUrYuYrhVMmdHzpPeD3HMlHN7l1XCQmxJ2a7d80pSAPSqwizO-vvwJppJVVm9hBEk0GoE4E41qFGQmJkWL-krnYB7l1kPxcPjK_oefoV_I68f2/s1600-h/vlcsnap-2536898.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 230px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj_V8Gv-RT-omFjbr_IvTyJ_CHY_MhVIQUrYuYrhVMmdHzpPeD3HMlHN7l1XCQmxJ2a7d80pSAPSqwizO-vvwJppJVVm9hBEk0GoE4E41qFGQmJkWL-krnYB7l1kPxcPjK_oefoV_I68f2/s320/vlcsnap-2536898.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5279518316148406690" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">If you never wanted to know what a man being stabbed with forks looked like, don't watch this movie.
<br /></span></div><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">. . . There just are no words. I'm genuinely flabbergasted. It's a rare occurrence for me to be flabbergasted beyond words, it doesn't happen often, but it has here. I'm not even going to try to understand because I think if I genuinely tried to comprehend what I’ve just seen I'd wind up going utterly mad like someone in an H.P. Lovecraft story. I feel like I've gazed upon the unknowable face of pure evil, and I don't know if I'll ever be the same.</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Oh, and the Indian can talk. Surprise!</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_G2Cto9NitpumIqOIQSO4RjVNxPRAREr61eaKVRRJrVewOhLODSFD4k2WBrSOlLyCNN1oqm5uy1Yws-K_qilSXn6IUg88It5sj7YAfftsx_XFu9XPUt-dZpGf_IBais8tjq4vx45LIcGP/s1600-h/vlcsnap-2526048.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 230px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_G2Cto9NitpumIqOIQSO4RjVNxPRAREr61eaKVRRJrVewOhLODSFD4k2WBrSOlLyCNN1oqm5uy1Yws-K_qilSXn6IUg88It5sj7YAfftsx_XFu9XPUt-dZpGf_IBais8tjq4vx45LIcGP/s320/vlcsnap-2526048.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5279513939778335618" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">I can relate.</span>
<br /></div>TheDamnedThinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09028583081894515922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438679366506011848.post-51124046231570657692008-12-08T11:50:00.001-09:002009-02-11T02:13:46.427-09:00Real Time Review: Prophecy<meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 12"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 12"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> <w:lidthemeother>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:lidthemeasian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:lidthemecomplexscript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> 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mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--><span style="font-size:100%;">Real Time Review: Prophecy
<br />
<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Premise:</span> Talia Shire and Robert Foxworth blow the whistle on a paper mills conspiracy to pollute the waters of an expansive forest to grow armies of giant salmon and mutant bears. Actually, that's really not what the movies about, though there is a paper mill, a giant salmon and a mutant bear.
<br />
<br /><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0079758/">http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0079758/</a>
<br />
<br />
<br />I can’t tell if that wind is real or if it’s coming from the TV.
<br />
<br /></span> <p class="MsoNormal">Mystery solved. Both real life wind and fantasy movie wind. Both was the answer.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Holy shit, both is a fucked up word, isn’t it? I mean, it’s like you’re about to say “bowl” but then tack a “TH” sound at the end. It’s not even a word, really. I mean when you really say it, and listen to it, it’s really not a word at all. It’s just a sound, a sound that we have assigned a meaning. Really, I guess that’s what all words are, just sounds that are supposed to mean something, just a more advanced form of a dogs bark or a cows moo. They really didn’t try all that hard with both, though HOLY SHIT! What is that thing! Is that a bear?! Where’s Jim?! Christ, it’s killing everyone! They’re all dead! . . .for some reason I feel like there should be an “L” in the word “both”,<span style=""> </span>I think it would make more sense that way. Yeah, Bolth,<span style=""> </span>that’s way better. </p> <p class="MsoNormal">By God, what is that thing on his head? That’s either the rockinest man-perm I’ve ever seen or Robert Foxworth is sprouting billions of curly tentacles from his skull.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">I honestly don’t know why Robert Foxworth is making such a big deal about a baby being bitten by rats. It’s survival of the fittest out there, and the kids going to have to learn how to fight rats at some point in his life.<span style=""> </span>All anyone needs to do is fashion the tot a tiny little spear out of some kind of thick wiring and teach him how to light a torch. He’ll be fighting the little bastards off in no time, sticking their heads on pikes and using their blood as war paint. He’ll grow up tough, that one.
<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">The Fox Foxworth and his lady friend, Rocky's ex wife, have arrived to the Forrest, to do environmental related activities, like finding out why the Indians there are pitching such a bitch fit, or why there's a giant man eating bear mutant running around killing folk.
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal">This guy is the very definition of “folksy Pizazz”. </p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">“That’s the biggest fiddle you ever saw!” (Referring to a cello)</p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">“I can’t carry a tune in a bucket!”</p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Holy shit, this guy rocks!</p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">I don’t know what they’re trying to accomplish, dangling that dog from a helicopter and flying around with him. Man, he looks horribly, horribly confused. I wouldn't want to be on the ground under him right now.
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">Indians vs Lumberjacks!</p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">“You cut my head off before you cut these trees” Yeah, I mean, let’s be practical here, you can grow another head.</p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">I wish chainsaw v. axe fights would spontaneously arise in real life more often than they do. </p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">Armand Assante-0 Lumberjacks-1</p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">Mrs. Rocky: “I was jealous of that Indian woman, she had so much courage to be so strong when she was frightened, to demand her own way…and she had a sweet ass…”</p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Ultra-perm: “Pardon?”</p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">A raccoon! An oar! A fire place! Robert Foxworth!<span style=""> </span>A dead raccoon stuck on an oar held by Robert Foxworth in a fire place! Robert Foxworth knows what to do with kill-crazy raccoons.
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">“It wasn’t rabies, I don’t know what it was” He probably thought your hair was a woodland creature and he was trying to mate with it.</p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">“He is part of all things created…”</p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">You know, technically that means he would have to be part of…my junk!</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWbsMpwChyphenhyphengmWDqj8uo7cRdUP0qxz9ptH2RUNncC-vpCLvI25GUh87CJ3eme3JeyKZZjuup8fL_Bj52P1UNGPw3YncYI-t3nhkOtBe0En_MeD4iQXfhYIKgEfWBZ95mwdYNIMfV1L5kqZl/s1600-h/vlcsnap-2531357.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 180px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWbsMpwChyphenhyphengmWDqj8uo7cRdUP0qxz9ptH2RUNncC-vpCLvI25GUh87CJ3eme3JeyKZZjuup8fL_Bj52P1UNGPw3YncYI-t3nhkOtBe0En_MeD4iQXfhYIKgEfWBZ95mwdYNIMfV1L5kqZl/s320/vlcsnap-2531357.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5277536411152340450" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">My junk, it's in there somewhere.</span>
<br /></div><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">Goddamn, the way they’re showcasing this paper mill you’d think it was the fucking Death Star or something. Yeah, we get it, paper mills are evil, cool it down with the ominous music already.
<br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">“How many sheets of paper are in all those filing cabinets in Washington? I supply what you demand, you’re responsible too!” Deformed babies, giant salmon, deranged raccoons, mass murdering mutant bear monsters, chainsaw fights, flying dogs! Was it worth it, Washington? How about you? Was it worth it? Was it all worth it just to have some paper to wipe your ass with?!</p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing">Mercury turns fish giant and drives mutant bears to kill! Also, natives can get drunk on it!</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">A private contractor soaks the logs in mercury, stores the logs in ponds, the salmon mutate, as does everything that eats the salmon, resulting in giant tadpoles, stillborn babies and a freak-bear monster.
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal">“Let me try and put this together” Dude - mutant bear. Done.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Aw man, Mrs. Rocky ate the fish and she was pregnant. Now her baby's going to be a mutant bear, too. </p> <p class="MsoNormal">From the still night he emerged, thrusting the sleeping humans from peaceful dreams into their worst nightmare. I nightmare populated by a 9 foot tall, rubbery, pink, pig-bear like hybrid hell-bent on felling all in its path!<span style=""> </span>He struck down the helpless campers with a ferocity never before seen in nature. A ferocity fueled by mercury treated logs, the vitriolic evil of the paper industry and a sickening hatred for God, Man and its own abominable existence. He lashes out with all the pain of his own being, launching <span style=""> </span>his fleshy pig-like arms, propelling the pathetic human through the air with such force that their body vaporizes upon impact with a rock, while a cloud of feathers erupts from the sleeping bag that was still wrapped around their body as they desperately attempted to hop, hop, hop their way to safety.</p><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhReN8JB8eZGRcOpNG1Ep-NPnyVS4B4BNadbrgXP5pBUD98-J71VDs5Jg8DzlO_s3W1p0UW5VZCJXD6ED0i1pL5H8Q3mPvL4I_MbTb-A51lt6cL-tWd8abwinX_PhCCV5uwxxJDPheQO_jg/s1600-h/vlcsnap-2519440.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 180px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhReN8JB8eZGRcOpNG1Ep-NPnyVS4B4BNadbrgXP5pBUD98-J71VDs5Jg8DzlO_s3W1p0UW5VZCJXD6ED0i1pL5H8Q3mPvL4I_MbTb-A51lt6cL-tWd8abwinX_PhCCV5uwxxJDPheQO_jg/s320/vlcsnap-2519440.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5277532483854112866" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">"If I just hop a little bit faster, maybe I can esca-AGH!"</span>
<br />
<br /></div><p class="MsoNormal">You’ve got to imagine, though, that’d be like the equivalent of a hot-dog wiener wrapped in a burrito hopping up and down in an attempt to escape from a house cat.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Oh my god, stop pontificating you preachy perm sporting cuntwaffle! Yeah, the paper industry is evil, mercury’s bad for bears, protect the environment, lumber-jacks are dicks, Native Americans aren’t really all alcoholics, we fucking get it! Shut your bearded face-hole!
<br /></p><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhReN8JB8eZGRcOpNG1Ep-NPnyVS4B4BNadbrgXP5pBUD98-J71VDs5Jg8DzlO_s3W1p0UW5VZCJXD6ED0i1pL5H8Q3mPvL4I_MbTb-A51lt6cL-tWd8abwinX_PhCCV5uwxxJDPheQO_jg/s1600-h/vlcsnap-2519440.png"></a><p class="MsoNormal">Looks like Rocky’s wife has finally faced the truth. Her baby has been poisoned by the mercury corrupted salmon. Ya, that's what happened alright.
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal">“It’s not a baby anymore!” No, it’s better than a baby! You can teach it to kill people and eat the corpse to dispose of the evidence. Put it in a glass box and charge people a nickel to stare at it for 5 minutes, and another quarter to buy a tomato to throw at it. You can save money by feeding him garbage and fish heads and teach him to dance and ride a tricycle for you own amusement! You can’t do any of those things with a normal baby. Or could you…</p> <p class="MsoNormal">I could explain what’s going on in the movie, I guess, but I don’t care, and neither should you. I’ll give you a clue, though, they’re trying to blow the lid off of the paper mill poisoning the water, while simultaneously trying to not get eaten.<span style=""> </span>Actually, that’s about the whole thing right there.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Just when Foxworth’s lecturing becomes nearly stab-inducing The Abearmination (bear/abomination, get it?) bursts from the forest and goes about totally wrecking everyone’s shit in epic fashion. And when I say wrecking everyone’s shit, I mean literally <span style="font-style: italic;">everyone’s</span>. He lights a car on fire (The sheriff’s shit), knocks down a tee-pee (The Indian's shit) and pushes over a tree (God’s shit). He carved a path of total devastation as he at times stumbled unstably on his hind legs like an Eskimo high on mouth-wash, and at others seemed to glide across the ground as if on wheels, all the while flailing his rubbery appendages in a desperate search to find more shit to fuck up, constantly howling his accursed roar that I suspect to be mutant-bear speak for “MOTHERFUCKERS!"</p><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzsmfCvg9TAUlAX2LCQygjYKpTR1y3pko4NAyySHRc86YsRKLZcfnki21F_cVnPVwbrzjJNj3vRO33gVStpY6drDPUFWZ5n96QEMk0Ayf_F_9dfCF79pRRa6vUaXAFEDDIzgzexFPlIrWH/s1600-h/vlcsnap-2530112.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 180px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzsmfCvg9TAUlAX2LCQygjYKpTR1y3pko4NAyySHRc86YsRKLZcfnki21F_cVnPVwbrzjJNj3vRO33gVStpY6drDPUFWZ5n96QEMk0Ayf_F_9dfCF79pRRa6vUaXAFEDDIzgzexFPlIrWH/s320/vlcsnap-2530112.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5277536413413517474" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">"You the fuckers been polluting the forest? I'm gonna fuck your shit <span style="font-style: italic;">up</span>!"</span>
<br />
<br /></div><p class="MsoNormal">I wonder how this freak-beast interacts with other bears. They’d probably treat him like the creepy, weird looking, maybe slightly retarded cousin at family reunions.<span style=""> </span>You want to be nice to him, but then he says something about how many books he’s read about Hitler or how when he’s listening to any song by The Beatles he can hear the word “Kill” repeated over and over in the back ground and then you catch a look at the disgusting birth-mark on the side of his neck and you just edge away with a “Yeah, those Beatles, man…” I mean, normal bears like to kill people, but this guy just takes it over the line. He’s the gross, crazy, retarded cousin of the bear community.</p><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSnIvDmCBI7UjUVl-SxiZk2g2gIpYaHegwymKj_pHeJjtgYWPTzFt5l1kMuPMrBlBuwmQTOKtF7qdhJLEf6QttC4VTY5QJ2jhtPILPvWQlVKR9yvStvAEDmRn37cPPB3SqPTiCKQbHRkmp/s1600-h/vlcsnap-2520478.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 180px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSnIvDmCBI7UjUVl-SxiZk2g2gIpYaHegwymKj_pHeJjtgYWPTzFt5l1kMuPMrBlBuwmQTOKtF7qdhJLEf6QttC4VTY5QJ2jhtPILPvWQlVKR9yvStvAEDmRn37cPPB3SqPTiCKQbHRkmp/s320/vlcsnap-2520478.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5277534468169579506" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">"My existence is pain!"</span>
<br />
<br /></div><p class="MsoNormal">He just bitch-slapped their jeep. Now they’re trapped in the forest, on foot, stalked by a vicious <span class="query">chimera of a bear-like monstrosity. </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Bear Monster: “Protect the environment, fuckers!” *Bite*</p> <p class="MsoNormal">He feasts on the heads of man!</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Look at him! Just fucking look! He’s hideous! This is what happens when you abuse the environment. Next time you think about littering, remember, you’re responsible too. Buy a fucking hybrid or he’ll kill you!</p> <p class="MsoNormal">He’s thrashing this old Indian dude through the air like a pit-bull with a baby duck in its jaws.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Aw, what? It can swim, too?! No fair!</p> <p class="MsoNormal">“It’s drowned!” Wishful thinking - statistically the number one cause of bear maulings.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Robert Foxworth stabbed it in the eye with an arrow, then it fell into the lake, bobbing up and down in the water like some kind of morbid inflatable pool accessory.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">At the very end it is revealed that there is yet another giant, bipedal, bear-like freak of nature roaming the forest, and they call him, Smokey. Only you… can feed his unfathomable hunger for the blood of polluters.
<br /></p><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgl-p_atwqD4voAJht1bASmcc9lLRAZzTcSdI-Y4i2GP9tEPnZGBr6NqIJjgu9bRfoBcPRjFAWKVDpdl3J05oFnFjUNBOiMM_7jlJw04tHakC9CdauUsk2wDu40hQl5IgKrhizQaL7ofi1S/s1600-h/vlcsnap-2520898.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 180px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgl-p_atwqD4voAJht1bASmcc9lLRAZzTcSdI-Y4i2GP9tEPnZGBr6NqIJjgu9bRfoBcPRjFAWKVDpdl3J05oFnFjUNBOiMM_7jlJw04tHakC9CdauUsk2wDu40hQl5IgKrhizQaL7ofi1S/s320/vlcsnap-2520898.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5277532493405823810" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">"Protect the environment, or I'll fucking kill you."</span>
<br /></div><p class="MsoNormal"></p>TheDamnedThinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09028583081894515922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438679366506011848.post-66949530737614301792008-12-01T05:03:00.000-09:002008-12-01T18:01:37.857-09:00Real Time Review: Godzilla vs MechagodzillaReal Time Review: Godzilla vs Mechagodzilla<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Premise</span><br />Godzilla and King Caesar scrap it out with Mechagodzilla and fuck up a lot of shit while in the process.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071565/">http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071565/</a><br /><br /><br />Is this a conga drum I’m hearing? I have no idea what a conga drum is so I don’t know. Let me look it up… Fuck, I still don’t know.<br /><br />Haha, this old guy’s so old.<br /><br />Her prediction scared you? What prediction? The one about the giant monster destroying the planet? Well thank god you live in the real world and those types of things never…oh, wait…dude, you’re fucked. Godzilla land is a perilous place, indeed.<br /><br />There’s a prophecy foretelling the arrival of Mechagodzilla involving black mountains in the sky and other such cryptic nonsense. The jist is that Mechgodzilla’s gonna Mecha-rise and Mecha-fuck this planet up. Mechanized, bitches!<br /><br />“A huge living being is moving underground” Says the radio. Must be the mole people again.<br /><br />The Professor takes one look at this chick and just says: “Wow!”. Fucking smooth, man.<br /><br />Karate fight! I don’t think they’re actually using karate but as far as I know karate is the only way Japanese people know how to fight.<br /><br />I didn’t know that smothering someone with a pillow while pummeling them in the face was a karate maneuver.<br /><br />This old guy always seems to be in a blind panic, which is funny to watch since he’s so old. He gives the sense that he could have a stress induced heart attack at any moment.<br /><br />“Anguris shouldn’t attack his friend Godziller” That’s not Godziller, dumbass, that’s Godzilla! Oh wait, that’s not Godzilla, it’s Mechagodzilla.<br /><br />Poser Godzilla just struck a fighting stance. Know what that means? Means he wants to fight.<br /><br />That was pretty brutal for a Godzilla fight.<br /><br />Now it appears that he’s imitating a chicken…or something.<br /><br />I can just imagine my 7 year old self crying in outrage “That’s not Godzilla! Godzilla sounds different! Godzilla shoots blue fire! Fuck this fake ass imposter Godzilla piece of shit. Motherfucker!!!” I swear to god I talked like that when I was 7.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgv1s4drbnW3PloPk9zt4iqPK-GNFuTKdYfrMWPIanAcT0HdTg1rLgI2whRrDjpslkHs-93wX9dlxpFYf02mpUORL4qupdKQrLv3Gee2kGO8mWDNYnhdP4Mfi5aGXwXfzs6l0MTRPuYHrhK/s1600-h/gojira2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 195px; height: 118px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgv1s4drbnW3PloPk9zt4iqPK-GNFuTKdYfrMWPIanAcT0HdTg1rLgI2whRrDjpslkHs-93wX9dlxpFYf02mpUORL4qupdKQrLv3Gee2kGO8mWDNYnhdP4Mfi5aGXwXfzs6l0MTRPuYHrhK/s320/gojira2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5275019010779888194" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">Real Godzilla</span><br /><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE5Nug75f4y4z50t_v0o2s4uImd3KbfDFKGdj4i5n4-wmVULdsIdLz9MWzhnIxMeSk6ZgBiHDfMbcPTj1NQYgErPgqGQ44vMN1IHFbU81Tcj9loZGKYgnmOto9rwavr8JLiUhDY4NNlfEr/s1600-h/gojira3.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 223px; height: 118px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE5Nug75f4y4z50t_v0o2s4uImd3KbfDFKGdj4i5n4-wmVULdsIdLz9MWzhnIxMeSk6ZgBiHDfMbcPTj1NQYgErPgqGQ44vMN1IHFbU81Tcj9loZGKYgnmOto9rwavr8JLiUhDY4NNlfEr/s320/gojira3.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5275019017665595218" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">Fake Godzilla!</span><br /></div><br />“Two Godzilla’s?! What does it mean?” It means one of em’s about to get fucked up!<br /><br />Random explosions! YAY!!!<br /><br />“You could call it a Mechagodzilla” That’s Mr. Mechagodzilla to you, fuck hole!<br /><br />Holy shit it’s a cyborg!!!!<br /><br />A cyborg with Rocket feet!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLTJoaLBo87SQOu3nzqAwwFzf-obrxvFUnsRnJzTPfDQp06NA1qVJcjDDPGIvxtnClwsf3Z5PG33PXWe3zjJ-SHYEk4O8pcSTJ3axHJ7OiiQADjsIWpkBnRDTrcQg-gCPVVGj2noOSbUy5/s1600-h/Mechagodzilla.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 201px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLTJoaLBo87SQOu3nzqAwwFzf-obrxvFUnsRnJzTPfDQp06NA1qVJcjDDPGIvxtnClwsf3Z5PG33PXWe3zjJ-SHYEk4O8pcSTJ3axHJ7OiiQADjsIWpkBnRDTrcQg-gCPVVGj2noOSbUy5/s320/Mechagodzilla.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5275019684221408866" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">His feet, they're rockets.<br /></span></div><br />I wonder if these guys are aliens…<br /><br />You got space metal, you gotta have space men. It’s so simple!<br /><br />Don’t you go making a deal with those Crazy space men! They’ll destroy the world! Oh shit, he’s got a laser! Do whatever he tells you!<br /><br />Godzilla’s healing himself with lightening. He does that sometimes.<br /><br />Bullets that turn people into green gorilla men? Or was he already? I’m confused!<br /><br />These monkey men ain’t got shit.<br /><br />Why not just shoot them? Why go through the trouble to build a room made specifically just to fill with enough steam to kill someone? You could have saved that money and spent it on more lasers.<br /><br />Oh yeah, that was some Chow Yun-fat shit right there.<br /><br />“I’ve sold my soul to the devil”: If by “devil” you mean cucumber-green ape man from beyond the stars, then I suppose you did. Jerk.<br /><br />I almost believe they found a race a Green ape-men that can transform into and out of human form at will, and persuaded them to be in this movie somehow (probably green space bananas). That’s how convincing the FX are. Really. No exaggeration. I can’t believe for a second that it’s not real.<br /><br />They’re spurting green alien gorilla blood from their bullet wounds!<br /><br />Giant lasers are shooting out of the sky blowing up rocks! Fuck those rocks up, lasers! Where are the lasers coming from? I don’t know. What did the rocks do to incur their wrath? I don’t know. Best guesses: The Moon and banged the lasers wife.<br /><br />King Caesar! YES!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhd35-V4DBaRDRO7NGzR2CzUz87JbxyXSMyoXZMIvjm1EYPvI-G84YhvGlAJxippeNu42a-BMwIEeeGuELXoSTWdvVa9_XEwAybFGtvYyb8OdU91TKtW1E_BZQS1wwqt2DpI8WaSsTyf_6R/s1600-h/kitamura_interview_bb.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 218px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhd35-V4DBaRDRO7NGzR2CzUz87JbxyXSMyoXZMIvjm1EYPvI-G84YhvGlAJxippeNu42a-BMwIEeeGuELXoSTWdvVa9_XEwAybFGtvYyb8OdU91TKtW1E_BZQS1wwqt2DpI8WaSsTyf_6R/s320/kitamura_interview_bb.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5275019691226589170" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">King Caesar: too cool to walk.</span><br /></div><br />King Caesar’s floppy ears make me smile.<br /><br />Some lady has to sing to awaken King Caesar from his sleep so he can fuck up that big metal Fakezilla.<br /><br />Why the fuck doesn’t Mechagodzilla step on this chick before she can finish the song and bring Caesar to life? Or shoot her with his rockets or lasers or whatever.<br /><br />It’s smack down time, mother FUCKER!<br /><br />That song ended so abruptly.<br /><br />There was this huge explosion and all of a sudden Caesar was standing there and he was all like “Let’s do it, thunder-cunt” and flexed his muscles and screamed, and his eyes were glowing n’ shit and Mechagodzilla was like “Are you talking to me, motherfucker?! You wanna go?! Huh?! I’ll smack your monkey ass into orbit you big furry bitch!” And Caesar was like, “Bring it on, wangbasket!! You and me, right here, right now!” And Mechagodzilla was all like “Let’s do it!!” And King Caser was like “YEAH!!!” And Mechagodzilla was like “IT’S GO TIME!!!!” And Caesar screamed “COME ON!!!” And Mechagodzilla was all “BRING IT!!!!” and then they both screamed “YYYYEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!” and started making out. . .well in my mind they did.<br /><br />You cannot harm Caesar with your laser attacks you silly massive robot.<br /><br />OH! Caesar just bounced off Mechagodzilla’s huge metallic pecs! Pecs of steel deflect Caesars charge attack, BOUNCE!<br /><br />Caesar took him down with a shoulder throw!<br /><br />Mechagodzilla keeps trying his lasers but Caesar just absorbs them and shoots them back. Haha!!!!…yeah, I’m way to into this.<br /><br />“Try absorbing rockets, bitch!” Mechagodzilla said that, honest. That’s not something I would make up.<br /><br />I think Mechagodzilla’s trying to rape King Caesar’s mouth with his fingers…<br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCMH3cCmVvQcfyYZ02pnpW0aXThPSnTx3PUyuoua2V8e6xMYTozJsAXTTYNXFIteQ1p03XO9kMt1TlIZxMnSG4ipCJEidJi779RGBq7jOpQjTgAByj0Dk-mcz1NwNjQDUynhb_WtedhrXv/s1600-h/gvsmecha8.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 218px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCMH3cCmVvQcfyYZ02pnpW0aXThPSnTx3PUyuoua2V8e6xMYTozJsAXTTYNXFIteQ1p03XO9kMt1TlIZxMnSG4ipCJEidJi779RGBq7jOpQjTgAByj0Dk-mcz1NwNjQDUynhb_WtedhrXv/s320/gvsmecha8.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5275019693594447698" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">Epic brawl, or sodomy?</span><br /></div><br />“Godzilla is still alive” Fucking A right he is! Godzilla’s always alive…in my heart.<br /><br />Aww, Godzilla is so cute when he’s angry<br /><br />Dude, did Godzilla just snap his fingers in frustration?<br /><br />Mechagodzilla is such a cheap motherfucker. Stop flying and fight like a proper robot!!<br /><br />Jon Woo was definitely influenced by this movie<br /><br />What the fuck, man?! This is so fucking cool! It makes no sense!!!!<br /><br />Mechagodzilla’s spinning his head around and around to create a force field! WHAT!?<br /><br />HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAH OH MY FUCKING GOD, OH MY FUCKING GOD AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH THIS IS SO FUCKING COOL!!!!!!!!!<br /><br />Godzilla is spurting blood from a wound in his neck. It’s like Lone Wolf and Cub but with giant monsters and laser beams instead of Japanese people and swords. Wait giant Japanese people…with laser swords…Holy. Shit.<br /><br />Mechagodzilla is laying down a barrage of rockets, lightening and 18 different types of lasers!<br /><br />Did I mention Mechagodzilla has rockets for toes? Well he does. Cool, no?<br /><br />Holy fuck, dude, I mean, fuck, man! How fucking cool is this movie?! HOW FUCKING COOL IS THIS?!!!<br /><br />He reminds me of a penguin sometimes. Like now.<br /><br />Why is Godzilla glowing and shooting sparks? I have a feeling something that makes no sense is about to happen!<br /><br />Godzilla inexplicably just turned into a giant magnet! Here, let this guy tell you: “He’s transformed himself into a magnetic pole!” SEE! I fucking told you!<br /><br />Oh you ain’t going nowhere this time Mechagodzilla. Godzilla’s gottcha now!<br /><br />Double teamed, motherfucker!<br /><br />Body slam that son of a bitch, King Caesar! Body slam him up good!!!<br /><br />Godzilla knocked Mechagodzilla’s head right the fuck off. “That’s was you get!” Screams Godzilla as he stands victoriously over Mechagodzilla’s lifeless heap of a body, violently jabbing at it with his index finger. You mess with the best, you die like all the other punk-ass monsters that fucked with Godzilla and were in turn killed in reprisal, and you messed with the best, Mecha-douche.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDpF8CzyTepH6H_ZTrmjkttiXdxH2A0q9xYpTjvKXlNwhMordFrJMekQkgzvolNLoGn5L3PTslwCPStznQZf5YCz-K7WI2iEB22arm0DMHww7xDTLZzylt7n07PpRcduYVGm2MiKChzaWq/s1600-h/mg4.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 290px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDpF8CzyTepH6H_ZTrmjkttiXdxH2A0q9xYpTjvKXlNwhMordFrJMekQkgzvolNLoGn5L3PTslwCPStznQZf5YCz-K7WI2iEB22arm0DMHww7xDTLZzylt7n07PpRcduYVGm2MiKChzaWq/s320/mg4.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5275019685024843986" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">Crackow!</span><br /></div>Godzilla reigns supreme!!!!!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjgvo37E8_s2-gyLAO8tleMwF3VJ1pQg5Q9BHtwjUehIPxWuD6c1WUONOHenFh_IfqN2ljablD6rXml5YnKU5Xt4oeUSyq_GMengGEXq3Bc2YedaDZVmm6PF-nM6ynlZQJ42wvwa-VQBfE/s1600-h/godzilla75.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjgvo37E8_s2-gyLAO8tleMwF3VJ1pQg5Q9BHtwjUehIPxWuD6c1WUONOHenFh_IfqN2ljablD6rXml5YnKU5Xt4oeUSyq_GMengGEXq3Bc2YedaDZVmm6PF-nM6ynlZQJ42wvwa-VQBfE/s320/godzilla75.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5275019683787751266" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;">And I say unto thee, thou shalt not fucketh with Godzilla, for he is king...of the monsters!</span><br /></div>TheDamnedThinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09028583081894515922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438679366506011848.post-71950636223549383412008-08-12T15:52:00.000-08:002008-08-12T16:11:17.067-08:00Jaws the Revenge: Real Time ReviewJaws the Revenge: Real Time Review<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;"><br />Premise:</span> A super Intelligent, Psychic, Ultra Pissed, revenge driven giant killer plastic great white shark with amazing jumping abilities seeks vengeance for the murder of his shark brothers at the hands of the Brody’s.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093300/">http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093300/</a><br /><br /><br />The Jaws music, this is probably the only good thing about the movie.<br /><br />I never thought I’d want the little kid from the first Jaws movie to die so badly<br /><br />The youngest Brody son is going out into the water to un-jam a log. I can tell where this is going.<br /><br />Oh, the shark ate him. I did not see that coming. Contrary to what I say above. I actually thought something completely different was going to happen. I am genuinely surprised.<br /><br />Did the shark jam the log itself to lure him out onto the water and if so how did the shark know he was a deputy and that the other deputy was out investigating cow tippers so that deputy Brody would be the one to have to go un-jam the log? And if it didn’t jam the log itself how did it know that it was Brody on the boat? This shark sure does his homework, either that or he’s psychic…or both. Ok, I’m scared now. A psychic, super intelligent, huge, raging great white isn’t something you fuck around with <br /><br />“Sharks don’t commit murder” Apparently you’ve not seen Jaws 1-3.<br /><br />Lorraine Gray is reprising her role as Ellen Brody and Lance “the bearded wonder” Guest is playing the eldest Brody sibling.<br /><br />This priest is such an annoying prick<br /><br />Oh god…Michael Cain…WHY!?!?!?!?!<br /><br />Lorraine Gary got eaten by a dream shark. If only this was real I wouldn’t have to sit through the rest of the movie. <br /><br />Why is he putting tracking devices on sea snails? I don’t think they move around all that much. I must admit, I’m no seasnailologist, but come on, it’s a fucking snail. Come back in a week it’ll be like, what, a foot away? Maybe two, tops.<br /><br />Mario van Peebles: YES! Mario Van Peebles with a fake Jamaican accent: HELL YES!<br /><br />The shark is attacking Lance Guest’s boat. So this shark swam from New England to Jamaica in how long? I guess this shark is also able to swim with super bursts of speed as well. This is shaping up to be one hell of a formidable raging shark! Its list of super-powers keeps on growin an a’ growin. Like a normal huge great white isn’t bad enough.<br /><br />Lorraine Gray and the shark seem to have some kind of a mental connection. See! I told you he was psychic!<br /><br />Oh, boats bleed now apparently. Makes sense I guess.<br /><br />Amazing how the FX were better in the first one even though it was made 12 years prior. And the FX weren’t even good in the first one.<br /><br />I would just like to state, for the record, I hate every character in this movie.<br /><br />I’m confused again. Why is this shark so pissed? Was the original shark a friend of his? A relative? Or is it written in the secret great white shark tribal code that any man who kills a great white will have his whole family stalked and murdered just out of principle?<br /><br />God, Jamaican accents piss me off<br /><br />“I’ve always wanted to make love to an angry welder. I’ve dreamed of nothing else since I was a small boy”<br />My God! I thought I was the only one!<br /><br />I don’t understand how the shark can jump half way out of the water and stay erect like that for an extended period of time. I’m also having a hard time grasping the extent of this sharks psychic powers and super intelligence.<br /><br />I can’t believe I used to like this movie. If I could I’d kick my 7 year old self’s ass.<br /><br />So whose revenge is it exactly? The sharks or Lorraine Gray’s?<br /><br />How is it that this shark can swim from New England to Jamaica in a couple of days but he can’t catch up to a scuba diver?<br /><br />Another thing I fail to understand is this; both of the Brody kids survived three horrific shark attacks yet one gets a job as a boat cop on an island and the other gets a job as a marine biologist. Now I could understand this after one shark attack, maybe even two, but after three shark attacks I would take the fucking hint: sharks don’t like you, stay out of the fucking ocean!<br /><br />It would be cool if the shark came up from behind and swallowed the whole banana boat from end to end.<br /><br />And once again the shark proves that his greatest super power of all is… his super thirst for vengeance!<br /><br />The Showdown to end all showdowns. Middle aged widow v. 40-foot long aquatic death machine.<br /><br />Pilot: “there’s a giant killer shark in the water, and we’re in a plane up in the sky. It has become evident to me, after much deliberation, that the best course of action for us to take in out current situation is to crash INTO the water for no reason. How about it, partner?”<br />Co-Pilot: “…that doesn’t make any sense. Won’t the shark eat us?”<br />Retard Pilot: “Most likely!”<br />Co-Pilot: “But…I don’t wanna get eated by a shark, Steve!”<br />Pilot: “…”<br />Co-Pilot: “Steve?”<br /><br />It seems as though Michael Cain has perfected a technique that enables him to keep his clothes dry while swimming in the ocean. I could have used some of that last time I had to swim for my life from a giant killer vengeance seeking raging mad super intelligent seemingly psychic great white shark but NO! He’s holding out on us, that whore.<br /><br />And now for the final showdown<br /><br />This shark consistently amazes with his incredible jumping ability. Not to mention his psychic powers.<br /><br />No Mario Van Peebles!! NNNNNOOOOOOOO!!<br /><br />Now I understand why this time it’s personal… because it killed Mario Van Peebles! That filthy vag!<br /><br />So the plan is to drive it crazy by setting off an electrical signal from inside its body. Genius! Actually! It’s not! What the fuck is going on!?<br /><br />Waaaaiiiitttt a minute… If the plan was to drive it mad by setting off electrical signals from within its body, then why…did it…explode? Oh God! I’m so confused! Maybe it used its psychic powers to explode it’s own body?<br /><br />Wow. What an emotionally charged climax. I could actually hear the pain, and anger in the sharks dinosaur like guttural death roar.<br /><br />Mario Van Peebles is alive! YES! YES! YES! In Your Face, Shark!!! IN YOUR FILTHY FUCKING FACE! Nothing can kill Mario van Peebles! NOHING! Even Wesley Snipes couldn’t!<br /><br />No! Don’t be over! Not so soon! Come back! Please!<br /><br /><br />Well that was fun.<br /><br /><br /><p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></p>TheDamnedThinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09028583081894515922noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438679366506011848.post-39317223042180133462008-06-12T16:45:00.000-08:002008-06-14T19:47:33.602-08:00Zombie Lake: Real Time ReviewZombie Lake: Real Time Review<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Premise:</span> Zombies. Lake. You do the math.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0081027/">http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0081027/</a><br /><br /><br />Oh, fuck yeah! Just jump right into it, don’t even warm up or anything! Opening credits and already this chick is totally fucking naked. Bush, tits AND ass! This movie is going to be awesome!<br /><br />All right, there’s the lake, but where’s the zombie?<br /><br />Oh, there he is.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOETgP9c1eP50KTjnrrJpuB3hgfVmguKG0vOT4AzvqmPfZDcvb4xmfApd6zRRPIfaqsgGsZSqjXhhxHk3bYq732qwW1ZPqZ-_fds3gDUjoqMmFFQnUoDgeHfLcx88PytICPZONd9b-gp-q/s1600-h/vlcsnap-388082.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOETgP9c1eP50KTjnrrJpuB3hgfVmguKG0vOT4AzvqmPfZDcvb4xmfApd6zRRPIfaqsgGsZSqjXhhxHk3bYq732qwW1ZPqZ-_fds3gDUjoqMmFFQnUoDgeHfLcx88PytICPZONd9b-gp-q/s320/vlcsnap-388082.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5211164845262609122" border="0" /></a></div><br />It’s good to know being dead hasn’t diminished this zombie’s sense of melodrama.<br /><br />Or his proficiency at drowning hot, female, skinny dippers<br /><br />“She said she was going out to the lake” Which lake? Zombie Lake? Is that the lake you’re talking about? You know there’re zombies out there, don’t you?<br /><br />“If she doesn’t turn up by tomorrow I’ll call the police” Just tell everyone there’s a hot lady minus her clothes missing out there somewhere. That ought to get the townsfolk moving.<br /><br />So, the green lake zombie all of a sudden just decides to go for a stroll through the village and drink people’s blood?<br /><br />Yeah, maybe an autopsy will uncover why she spontaneously started leaking red colored liquid from no discernable source on her neck.<br /><br />My table looks lopsided.<br /><br />The lake of Ghosts? I thought it was called Zombie Lake! What the fuck is this about?<br /><br />It’s only been a few minutes since his last appearance, but I’m already starting to miss that green, aquatic, blood hungry lake zombie.<br /><br />Otherworldly phenomena? Like zombies that live in lakes for example?<br /><br />It’s called The Lake of the Damned? I don’t know, I like Zombie Lake a lot better. It’s less cryptic and it sounds cooler. With Lake of the Damned you don’t know what kind of damned you’re going to get.<br /><br />And did he say that its real name is The Goddamn Lake? Did I hear that wrong? Wow, what lazy fucker would name a lake that?<br />“What should we call that goddamn lake over there?”<br />“I don’t fucking know…”<br /><br />Flashback to war torn Europe. The horror! People randomly falling down, getting lit on fire and then standing back up again, others grabbing their faces and passing out, the sound of planes flying overhead and explosions and other things of that nature. War truly is hell.<br /><br />Are these guys supposed to be Nazis or what?<br /><br />I’ve got some questions, but there’re tits on screen so I’ll just put those on hold for a bit.<br /><br />This is fascinating. Really and truly it is.<br /><br />They fell in love, fucked in a barn and now she’s dying. How this leads to amphibious zombies, I don’t know.<br /><br />The Nazis have been ambushed and killed by a bunch of French villagers.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2_97-GZnwGLNXeEtClA3OOVDvjrZBAwjGxzcGcybjQIcgOgs3uNOdbpsZ9I9XS2_EkBINwDmhHRLeuYmYWSJt5u-ZVfIN51nipnY-6flI2-HwFwAGLPxcnVGq54FfWkx_WFugfP6gHbV6/s1600-h/vlcsnap-392911.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2_97-GZnwGLNXeEtClA3OOVDvjrZBAwjGxzcGcybjQIcgOgs3uNOdbpsZ9I9XS2_EkBINwDmhHRLeuYmYWSJt5u-ZVfIN51nipnY-6flI2-HwFwAGLPxcnVGq54FfWkx_WFugfP6gHbV6/s320/vlcsnap-392911.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5211162471316477042" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;">"Croisillon vous-même pour le pwnage, nazi !"</span></div><br />Now, why on earth would a nazi soldier have a clear plastic tube filled with some kind of red liquid running through his shirt? Oh, I see, it must have been some kind of nazi cyborg. Or maybe the tube was injecting adrenaline into his blood stream to make him an unstoppable fighting machine. If that was indeed the plan it sure fell through, I guess the brains over at nazi HQ didn’t take into account the debilitating effects of being shot in the face.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiS8W6r4eRHcYl7zhc0Ta72A-IKSk05q-K6JxFYXB7qIf35gPwICCnb7WjP7Ipr3lakc2U-jziLDMpur6nSPraHDB-pAjvG6ssx7UbHFM269DLeANIOOJhNnoYVYP9le2foirze4BIGj7qc/s1600-h/vlcsnap-392690.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiS8W6r4eRHcYl7zhc0Ta72A-IKSk05q-K6JxFYXB7qIf35gPwICCnb7WjP7Ipr3lakc2U-jziLDMpur6nSPraHDB-pAjvG6ssx7UbHFM269DLeANIOOJhNnoYVYP9le2foirze4BIGj7qc/s320/vlcsnap-392690.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5211161434123006210" border="0" /></a><span style=";font-family:arial;font-size:85%;" >Your tube is showing.</span><br /><br /></div>So, I guess the zombies are Nazis that the villagers killed during World War II and threw in a lake. I’m not sure why they came back from the dead, must be that crazy Nazi wizardry you’re always reading about.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">What the FUCK?! I can’t even wrap my mind around what’s going on here. All of a sudden a van pulls up to the lake and a female volleyball team emerges, after one of their number tentatively tests the water’s temperature with her foot and gives the “All good” sign by jumping up and down and squealing like a retard they all strip totally naked <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcgG9Oti0bltK1fy7oqDh8ezt_Uu9mr-7uvAeL43TuX291sqE1iElUAg4gg1Q2NDjqZBxCh8vQW68kEVXYlwz31ZBzM1F7gwBJufS-4Mr721koFwM9czjY7LPruPblZEERU7niyLgje8vD/s1600-h/vlcsnap-394445.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcgG9Oti0bltK1fy7oqDh8ezt_Uu9mr-7uvAeL43TuX291sqE1iElUAg4gg1Q2NDjqZBxCh8vQW68kEVXYlwz31ZBzM1F7gwBJufS-4Mr721koFwM9czjY7LPruPblZEERU7niyLgje8vD/s320/vlcsnap-394445.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5211161444119145778" border="0" /></a><span style=";font-family:arial;font-size:85%;" >Score!</span></div><br />and start frolicking like a bunch of fucking water nymphs or some shit. All the while this infuriatingly up beat music is playing that goes something like this “La la la la la la la”. Then some undead aquanazi’s rise from the depths, grab the volleyball players and start molesting the shit out of them.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXpajl4ejg5ZC25fMXv7v36SExzVY-0FIiJzxY_KxQWQqS-K7u38W5vJ26SvNvGzQLbw0nL_fqI4NyqfhINP5qWByTgCZHzqeaZLGCzN-dNrTxGyvQ60FalzT3m07xPrF-o4YM_vjv8uGe/s1600-h/vlcsnap-394696.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXpajl4ejg5ZC25fMXv7v36SExzVY-0FIiJzxY_KxQWQqS-K7u38W5vJ26SvNvGzQLbw0nL_fqI4NyqfhINP5qWByTgCZHzqeaZLGCzN-dNrTxGyvQ60FalzT3m07xPrF-o4YM_vjv8uGe/s320/vlcsnap-394696.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5211162480357910018" border="0" /></a><span style=";font-family:arial;font-size:85%;" >"Splashing is fun! Yay!"</span><br /><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQoccvgbPbH1orxaJBaXXSlJ9SiI6euCqncBbZYKE9eqCTuur6FfqKFoNN0rZlfFAuTv3ZFUfEXEMVjrcPbPfM8mYHxCyG8gZDdgbDMEWlH9mJiXoX-l_KkrkrCbGbQ30KGcFTR23VlIRw/s1600-h/vlcsnap-394656.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQoccvgbPbH1orxaJBaXXSlJ9SiI6euCqncBbZYKE9eqCTuur6FfqKFoNN0rZlfFAuTv3ZFUfEXEMVjrcPbPfM8mYHxCyG8gZDdgbDMEWlH9mJiXoX-l_KkrkrCbGbQ30KGcFTR23VlIRw/s320/vlcsnap-394656.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5211162494658021394" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;">"Let's splash some more! Yay!"</span><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzswmwIHNXSAcKTchsWuY7hiVmpIRCeAoZTjOQMRfZ4c4Llza-zQ2D17swGHMuEQ1KsncYr4GhKIGkaBM52_H1t0zXTlc3m6hMMeNu2foP4PSgj6uLO2opmYsaLlWAUcY-v2JuTq-EHI9G/s1600-h/vlcsnap-395139.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzswmwIHNXSAcKTchsWuY7hiVmpIRCeAoZTjOQMRfZ4c4Llza-zQ2D17swGHMuEQ1KsncYr4GhKIGkaBM52_H1t0zXTlc3m6hMMeNu2foP4PSgj6uLO2opmYsaLlWAUcY-v2JuTq-EHI9G/s320/vlcsnap-395139.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5211162497472340898" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;">"Holy shit!"</span><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><br />Basketball players? I’m no ballologist or anything but I’m pretty sure that was a volleyball they were carrying.<br /><br />Aw, isn’t that sweet, a father and daughter finally reunited. The father may be a cucumber colored nazi zombie who’s been living under a fucking lake for a decade, but, yeah, quite touching indeed.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcQ9YSOe94DvC5LZlwFz9djlAxfuAnCN34VVAIQU92GPmVTj0wrkUM3o6fe-tnFC7858d7irtwKwwiod82EdoIVwCSYPHXV-KhWLM6HtnaEv33zxTmLEwBl9c9hIgaNb84JXLaQ-rqkNlO/s1600-h/vlcsnap-396210.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcQ9YSOe94DvC5LZlwFz9djlAxfuAnCN34VVAIQU92GPmVTj0wrkUM3o6fe-tnFC7858d7irtwKwwiod82EdoIVwCSYPHXV-KhWLM6HtnaEv33zxTmLEwBl9c9hIgaNb84JXLaQ-rqkNlO/s320/vlcsnap-396210.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5211163858675603106" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;">"Oh god, it's touching me!"</span><br /></div><br />I’m gonna start calling this zombie Hank, I don’t know, he just looks like a Hank to me. Hank the Wide eyed Nazi Aquazombie and his illegitimate love child.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFbsOF0uyCbvGgp_4UmnyqMlomRBo3T61kBsxd1tUQz2TicqphOsJtZndw3q1RRB6qoyz6umeKttam-dfy_8hsgmFelJ_kkraEEAc94qquBcIle0Sxf-BQgHEEJbNEOnn8MAxSIT6bDZqW/s1600-h/vlcsnap-402194.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFbsOF0uyCbvGgp_4UmnyqMlomRBo3T61kBsxd1tUQz2TicqphOsJtZndw3q1RRB6qoyz6umeKttam-dfy_8hsgmFelJ_kkraEEAc94qquBcIle0Sxf-BQgHEEJbNEOnn8MAxSIT6bDZqW/s320/vlcsnap-402194.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5211166138016759250" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;">Hank!</span></div><br />And how is this dead assholes hair still perfect after he’s been dead under water for years?<br /><br />The zombies rose from their watery grave to squeeze and bite to death these two French inspectors that were investigating the (not so) mysterious deaths of all the hot naked women of the village.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5JkQsJsjsZrXdO9ZRWV7fT_X2IL1l1N0Zo4rdE4R96mxgJrPLfMaj2qCuG5DIkL6xNH3vXzhdxbsdOhLG-jazRlzkl1jlPusbr9GhEG8zDnjntvT-ukYLb5RTGtM7583Kn3CQ2PuKk2Zp/s1600-h/vlcsnap-397623.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5JkQsJsjsZrXdO9ZRWV7fT_X2IL1l1N0Zo4rdE4R96mxgJrPLfMaj2qCuG5DIkL6xNH3vXzhdxbsdOhLG-jazRlzkl1jlPusbr9GhEG8zDnjntvT-ukYLb5RTGtM7583Kn3CQ2PuKk2Zp/s320/vlcsnap-397623.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5211163862876666034" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;">"Don't fight it, I just want to love you!"</span><br /><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_vcM6QewdE_msL3RA17gLebV5Txdopu2BTZsPvUe4dKPEZVdt_yINVZEmZ2sPVt1PkFAdL8xqGEv95xm6ObKm6y2x5HL5Gqi36dstICeoCVqmHHOnUtaRiLTzrlFC8llILJjsFgWi3W7X/s1600-h/vlcsnap-397665.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_vcM6QewdE_msL3RA17gLebV5Txdopu2BTZsPvUe4dKPEZVdt_yINVZEmZ2sPVt1PkFAdL8xqGEv95xm6ObKm6y2x5HL5Gqi36dstICeoCVqmHHOnUtaRiLTzrlFC8llILJjsFgWi3W7X/s320/vlcsnap-397665.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5211163869311352962" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;">"You smell amazing, what kind of cologne is that?"</span><br /><br /></div>Now they’re marching through the village hell-bent on…walking around a bunch, I guess.<br /><br />There they go with the blood drinking again.<br /><br />Apparently this zombie is not a fan of this bar’s décor.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCiWsDwG_irRfpJXXvM8abKgjb1DgXGJeeWZKWvO0nC9zW-jFrZKTokxonGRp0fp20B6ZhRLMreSxzqlUUClJfO-D4Wi3uaUoTqkUokvVxbqdUKYvJvxuSgyYzTgUqStlwzQPOIzo1vFhW/s1600-h/vlcsnap-399058.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCiWsDwG_irRfpJXXvM8abKgjb1DgXGJeeWZKWvO0nC9zW-jFrZKTokxonGRp0fp20B6ZhRLMreSxzqlUUClJfO-D4Wi3uaUoTqkUokvVxbqdUKYvJvxuSgyYzTgUqStlwzQPOIzo1vFhW/s320/vlcsnap-399058.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5211163868512539202" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;">"No, damnit! The armoire should be on the other side of the bar!"</span><br /></div><br /><br />Yeah, that’s the thing about nazi’s. You can scream and stand around but you can’t run or hide. Well…you probably could, but you don’t. Wow, these people are fucking stupid.<br /><br />So I guess these frenchies weren’t aware that no matter what, whenever you kill a nazi, do not throw him into a body of water. Otherwise the water will react with the nazi DNA and, over the course of several years, will reanimate the nazi as a green, blood drinking, shambling fiends!<br /><br />These zombies are gonna blitzkrieg your shitty little village. It will be a marathon of hot naked women screaming and standing still as green water nazi’s bite and fondle them to death.<br /><br />I don’t see how the nazi’s could persecute other races. They’re green for fuck’s sake. Freaks.<br /><br />They should have cut all the other bullshit out and focused entirely on this subplot about the dead nazi trying to reconnect with his estranged love child. It could have been a touching family dramedy like that one with George Clooney. (Was that George Clooney, or am I thinking of someone else?) Yeah, I can just picture it; They’d go shopping, to the carnival, maybe a baseball game or some shit like that. Then when things are at their best Hanks filthy whore of a wife comes back from the dead and they go to court over custody of the kid. When things look their bleakest Hank will win everyone’s hearts by standing up and delivering a stirring monologue, only minus the “logue” because I don’t think Hank can talk, so instead he just stares at the judge and stands around looking back and forth from the jury to the judge for about 2 minutes with that unnearving stare of his <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFbsOF0uyCbvGgp_4UmnyqMlomRBo3T61kBsxd1tUQz2TicqphOsJtZndw3q1RRB6qoyz6umeKttam-dfy_8hsgmFelJ_kkraEEAc94qquBcIle0Sxf-BQgHEEJbNEOnn8MAxSIT6bDZqW/s1600-h/vlcsnap-402194.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFbsOF0uyCbvGgp_4UmnyqMlomRBo3T61kBsxd1tUQz2TicqphOsJtZndw3q1RRB6qoyz6umeKttam-dfy_8hsgmFelJ_kkraEEAc94qquBcIle0Sxf-BQgHEEJbNEOnn8MAxSIT6bDZqW/s320/vlcsnap-402194.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5211166138016759250" border="0" /></a> until he weirds everyone out enough to grant him custody rights, at which point Hank will proceed to drink his two timing ex’s blood and he and his daughter will live happily ever after.<br /><br />Oh, now the zombies are knife fighting<br /><br />Fuck em’ up, Hank! YEAH!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhH4LAeQp7x7OKfUlOsKU1WQ-WU8Ds3ngelawVxXV1NSdiMvqwCPn3Q7imIxJYiKqKC6txbFRkr7EeqJQcr9MAkDPNy2WxuCCuNx7_37vKD0tWr3ds4iWAO3U5xeFxUjvcjF8JO0kMmKC4L/s1600-h/vlcsnap-401836.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhH4LAeQp7x7OKfUlOsKU1WQ-WU8Ds3ngelawVxXV1NSdiMvqwCPn3Q7imIxJYiKqKC6txbFRkr7EeqJQcr9MAkDPNy2WxuCCuNx7_37vKD0tWr3ds4iWAO3U5xeFxUjvcjF8JO0kMmKC4L/s320/vlcsnap-401836.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5211168718461538546" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;">"Let's do this"</span><br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbBoc_faa-LbFhXyaLVfymGY26Av953DUnqLSuPoGdlMX2Jex5iDwbtyKca6y__594juGVVgswZmUUuOkxDCVQGQVoFbXYVw3U36ZuYwN_2763be3jmVZqwCybg6rjxddG-3CpgWy2OLh2/s1600-h/vlcsnap-402158.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbBoc_faa-LbFhXyaLVfymGY26Av953DUnqLSuPoGdlMX2Jex5iDwbtyKca6y__594juGVVgswZmUUuOkxDCVQGQVoFbXYVw3U36ZuYwN_2763be3jmVZqwCybg6rjxddG-3CpgWy2OLh2/s320/vlcsnap-402158.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5211168720600351218" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;">"Bring it!"</span><br /><br /></div>This is the most inept knife fight I’ve ever seen. So much for Nazi Aquazombies supposed knife-fighting prowess. These guys ain’t showing me shit.<br /><br />This fight scene is absolutely thrilling. Well, actually, that’s a filthy lie, because it’s not. Here’s why: they’re zombies! And not the super fast, crazy kind of zombies like from Zombi 3, either. Those guys were nuts what with the jumping through the air, and running and punching and so on. These guys are stiff, uncoordinated and slow. Watching them fight each other is like watching… I don’t know, like watching two zombies fight each other?<br /><br />Is that one nazi zombie trying to strangle the other nazi zombie? He’s a fucking zombie, dude! Jesus.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgD-of-qLk4VAl-649au3_nVRSTbzBcdn_MKzAxvwv9QYU0ARAR9xDXJ7jUjlvcaZH7TOQ5rTgg1OhGJWATkRmwjoDHj1aCvzKLrulfK_C7oi19Q9-raGuhSY69H-e9AXDI4o9FBsPEjhD3/s1600-h/vlcsnap-402402.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgD-of-qLk4VAl-649au3_nVRSTbzBcdn_MKzAxvwv9QYU0ARAR9xDXJ7jUjlvcaZH7TOQ5rTgg1OhGJWATkRmwjoDHj1aCvzKLrulfK_C7oi19Q9-raGuhSY69H-e9AXDI4o9FBsPEjhD3/s320/vlcsnap-402402.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5211168725911173794" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;">This is going to take a while.</span><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><br />Shazatza! The zombies are here motherfuckers! YEAH!<br /><br />I’m amazed at Hanks ability to keep his eyes open so wide for so long, even underwater.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVib95Ehc10AuWfFsDjeA5EZJWdu4Qef6HqI-YJTHqeadD1M64AzyQ776afYxSn6jZ8Ln2WjjpUZRNNSngPEV5SEie6lfeOUgJbbJ9Z6PsNZr9-u_H74t8mJ7_J8zQWz14uvG-43CDXgZ_/s1600-h/vlcsnap-403506.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVib95Ehc10AuWfFsDjeA5EZJWdu4Qef6HqI-YJTHqeadD1M64AzyQ776afYxSn6jZ8Ln2WjjpUZRNNSngPEV5SEie6lfeOUgJbbJ9Z6PsNZr9-u_H74t8mJ7_J8zQWz14uvG-43CDXgZ_/s320/vlcsnap-403506.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5211168731559635266" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;">"12 dollars, and I'll throw in the necklace"</span><br /><br /></div>“Where’s Helena?”<br />“She went on a walk with her dad…her NAZI ZOMBIE DAD!!!!”<br />*GASP*<br /><br />“We created these monstrous zombies”<br />They were nazi’s, they had it coming.<br /><br />“I think I know how you feel, Helena”<br />So, your father was a dead, nazi, zombie, that lived underwater and ate naked volleyball players, too?<br /><br />Ok, so the master plan is to lure the zombies into a barn with a bunch of free blood and then light them on fire. That seems pretty simple. Actually, why do they even have to lure them into the barn in the first place? Every day they all walk down the middle of town together in a group at .5 miles an hour. It’d be easy enough to light them on fire there.<br /><br />How do these zombies decide when to rise from the depths to wreak havoc upon the living? They seem to come out once a day, is it the same time every day? If not, how do they all agree upon a time? I don’t think they can talk. Do they use sign language?<br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5WiDSYNYDs99KbN968R1YMvYS4_NzRkDCqYBabTF5im9U9nn4seTC771EWs7PAkmk6J5xU8ts79B45fAcrneKh1VNM7QY0lD5jQYTlw3yeZ1kOyLiwauARUKWdURNkex0TyHJAkA07SDh/s1600-h/vlcsnap-405544.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5WiDSYNYDs99KbN968R1YMvYS4_NzRkDCqYBabTF5im9U9nn4seTC771EWs7PAkmk6J5xU8ts79B45fAcrneKh1VNM7QY0lD5jQYTlw3yeZ1kOyLiwauARUKWdURNkex0TyHJAkA07SDh/s320/vlcsnap-405544.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5211169384604027810" border="0" /></a>Hank: “Dude, there's free blood in this barn. Sweet!"<br /></div><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXBzG5kZ7pVplQvAt427jsmmyD7B37dO1EqqnVvIxaG1YfQnuuRdOBqjfqrmxHtTd-lQIuGoBcgcSD6Rx9-AsE_M5F40zMY6INOqxYp5ax2VYpnBNNhcxBxV_RtoOgytthfZEVVba2_GsS/s1600-h/vlcsnap-404253.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXBzG5kZ7pVplQvAt427jsmmyD7B37dO1EqqnVvIxaG1YfQnuuRdOBqjfqrmxHtTd-lQIuGoBcgcSD6Rx9-AsE_M5F40zMY6INOqxYp5ax2VYpnBNNhcxBxV_RtoOgytthfZEVVba2_GsS/s320/vlcsnap-404253.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5211168733869740386" border="0" /></a>Zombie 2: “Whoa, whoa, whoa...hold on a minute here”<br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8wxDxFPOM2tJsUtHWzYtstH-imrJn3DpQlPSgmJGoV_a4J2HUp2tNXq6CjdFBeOakwuIcy1HJv3cAjF-DKu4Q1PFSp5IaH-9v94T306NdqhlV6gFk-Od3RojKTSICrX7rEdOFTsHpH9AG/s1600-h/vlcsnap-404640.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8wxDxFPOM2tJsUtHWzYtstH-imrJn3DpQlPSgmJGoV_a4J2HUp2tNXq6CjdFBeOakwuIcy1HJv3cAjF-DKu4Q1PFSp5IaH-9v94T306NdqhlV6gFk-Od3RojKTSICrX7rEdOFTsHpH9AG/s320/vlcsnap-404640.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5211169392420409330" border="0" /></a>Hank: "What? What is it, dude? I'm trying to drink blood here"<br /></div><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXBzG5kZ7pVplQvAt427jsmmyD7B37dO1EqqnVvIxaG1YfQnuuRdOBqjfqrmxHtTd-lQIuGoBcgcSD6Rx9-AsE_M5F40zMY6INOqxYp5ax2VYpnBNNhcxBxV_RtoOgytthfZEVVba2_GsS/s1600-h/vlcsnap-404253.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXBzG5kZ7pVplQvAt427jsmmyD7B37dO1EqqnVvIxaG1YfQnuuRdOBqjfqrmxHtTd-lQIuGoBcgcSD6Rx9-AsE_M5F40zMY6INOqxYp5ax2VYpnBNNhcxBxV_RtoOgytthfZEVVba2_GsS/s320/vlcsnap-404253.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5211168733869740386" border="0" /></a>Zombie 2: “Well, think about it. Why would there be a bucket of blood just sitting here? Where'd it come from? Maybe it's a trap?”<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8wxDxFPOM2tJsUtHWzYtstH-imrJn3DpQlPSgmJGoV_a4J2HUp2tNXq6CjdFBeOakwuIcy1HJv3cAjF-DKu4Q1PFSp5IaH-9v94T306NdqhlV6gFk-Od3RojKTSICrX7rEdOFTsHpH9AG/s1600-h/vlcsnap-404640.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8wxDxFPOM2tJsUtHWzYtstH-imrJn3DpQlPSgmJGoV_a4J2HUp2tNXq6CjdFBeOakwuIcy1HJv3cAjF-DKu4Q1PFSp5IaH-9v94T306NdqhlV6gFk-Od3RojKTSICrX7rEdOFTsHpH9AG/s320/vlcsnap-404640.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5211169392420409330" border="0" /></a>Hank: "Wow, bro, you're fucking paranoid. Chill out. Here, have some blood.<span style="font-style: italic;"></span><br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXBzG5kZ7pVplQvAt427jsmmyD7B37dO1EqqnVvIxaG1YfQnuuRdOBqjfqrmxHtTd-lQIuGoBcgcSD6Rx9-AsE_M5F40zMY6INOqxYp5ax2VYpnBNNhcxBxV_RtoOgytthfZEVVba2_GsS/s1600-h/vlcsnap-404253.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXBzG5kZ7pVplQvAt427jsmmyD7B37dO1EqqnVvIxaG1YfQnuuRdOBqjfqrmxHtTd-lQIuGoBcgcSD6Rx9-AsE_M5F40zMY6INOqxYp5ax2VYpnBNNhcxBxV_RtoOgytthfZEVVba2_GsS/s320/vlcsnap-404253.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5211168733869740386" border="0" /></a>Zombie 2: "Uhh...yeah, I guess you're right. Still think it's weird, though."<br /><br /></div><br />2 minutes later <div style="text-align: left;"><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0M8oZGg9ESWXPvdSuZjFg-CqHPhFqKI17ssIa47RyhvQQJVILngjmYaV-tSW1SNwVHsokDqPHLmJfQOkr2s_chYc1JzFoN_TOYbw8F9fMyP-3bCmYMbPu65w8sNvu-J19IzNWVwui5yUY/s1600-h/vlcsnap-405949.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0M8oZGg9ESWXPvdSuZjFg-CqHPhFqKI17ssIa47RyhvQQJVILngjmYaV-tSW1SNwVHsokDqPHLmJfQOkr2s_chYc1JzFoN_TOYbw8F9fMyP-3bCmYMbPu65w8sNvu-J19IzNWVwui5yUY/s320/vlcsnap-405949.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5211169401705290818" border="0" /></a><br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkWuplsiw5shAo4hHlf3MqZMvcYszmXomJt6BQvKgwt4p0xym68aS6uHRYiMUioVNG0cv2k_VKkNfdMAJAF8J6XzNJcH54zRf1VM2nqZuPdhv62GTPfQx8mCpiBWKiUPq7ts-Um5TO9y2Z/s1600-h/vlcsnap-406706.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkWuplsiw5shAo4hHlf3MqZMvcYszmXomJt6BQvKgwt4p0xym68aS6uHRYiMUioVNG0cv2k_VKkNfdMAJAF8J6XzNJcH54zRf1VM2nqZuPdhv62GTPfQx8mCpiBWKiUPq7ts-Um5TO9y2Z/s320/vlcsnap-406706.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5211169403873332050" border="0" /></a>Hank: “Oh, fuck, they lit us on fire!”<br /></div><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpZm5P9qNdszCnVM8TCjfZ1G_p6oeSpdVYc_eCA1M-NMRcEe5fzrBS71J4j3Wtlb201GjVyn9amZnreNZIJFoBuhyphenhyphenwYv_AqdvTy34DsYM8n-ZwD37pUEop0dxf6BwUvGQ4hF3phfiRCxYw/s1600-h/vlcsnap-406450.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpZm5P9qNdszCnVM8TCjfZ1G_p6oeSpdVYc_eCA1M-NMRcEe5fzrBS71J4j3Wtlb201GjVyn9amZnreNZIJFoBuhyphenhyphenwYv_AqdvTy34DsYM8n-ZwD37pUEop0dxf6BwUvGQ4hF3phfiRCxYw/s320/vlcsnap-406450.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5211169725652455890" border="0" /></a>Zombie 2: “I fucking told you!”<br /></div><br />The EndTheDamnedThinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09028583081894515922noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438679366506011848.post-953920106281951922008-06-09T05:59:00.000-08:002008-06-09T20:54:45.512-08:00Hard Rock Zombies: Real Time ReviewHard Rock Zombies: Real Time Review<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Premise:</span> Hard rock zombies rock hard, fight Hitler, kill midgets and are also zombies.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089254/">http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089254/</a><br /><br /><br />It’s wonderful to finally meet you Hard Rock Zombies, I’ve heard so much about you. No, no, all good, honest. Yes, very much so. Haha, Oh, you’re so silly. I think we’re going to get along just fine…<br /><br />They’re on a highway of some sort. To hell, perhaps? Eh, judging by the foliage I’d say they’re closer to Wisconsin.<br /><br />Dancing midgets?! male AND female nudity?! Deformed dancing midgets!? Corpse fondling?! Sweet cocks in heaven!<br /><br />Right, just to make you horribly depressed, I’m going to describe to you what just transpired: Two men driving, in a car no less, pick up a hitch-hiking woman. They drive to a lake, strip nude and go swimming. Deformed demon dancing midgets watch while some loony fuck takes pictures. One of the midgets looks like a Muppet born with fetal alcohol syndrome that by some cosmic tragedy lived far longer than it had any right to. The woman begins drowning the men, and then presumably crushes one’s torso with her bare hands while he’s under water. That lunatic and his dancing midget monster minions are watching and taking pictures still. Then the midgets play with the guys dead body, the chick cuts his hand off, rubs it on her face and starts singing. There, now go kill yourself, you missed it and you’ll never be able to see it. It’s gone forever. Your life is meaningless.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaPQJD5HUxtAUXE0mFea5qlvaJnwSsQzgw5hEtOHqiW0iU772UY9mfNtSEQcV3LBr9GxMHLsFzeVgBpqlJSxBGTO2Z8LsqEGsv-q_Cyil3xSkFRuEq-4YT880Z2vEwMgH95ux3DST6FVkA/s1600-h/2.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaPQJD5HUxtAUXE0mFea5qlvaJnwSsQzgw5hEtOHqiW0iU772UY9mfNtSEQcV3LBr9GxMHLsFzeVgBpqlJSxBGTO2Z8LsqEGsv-q_Cyil3xSkFRuEq-4YT880Z2vEwMgH95ux3DST6FVkA/s320/2.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5209884836104564242" border="0" /></a>“Well, come on!”<br /><br />Aww, I don’t wanna…<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaPQJD5HUxtAUXE0mFea5qlvaJnwSsQzgw5hEtOHqiW0iU772UY9mfNtSEQcV3LBr9GxMHLsFzeVgBpqlJSxBGTO2Z8LsqEGsv-q_Cyil3xSkFRuEq-4YT880Z2vEwMgH95ux3DST6FVkA/s1600-h/2.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaPQJD5HUxtAUXE0mFea5qlvaJnwSsQzgw5hEtOHqiW0iU772UY9mfNtSEQcV3LBr9GxMHLsFzeVgBpqlJSxBGTO2Z8LsqEGsv-q_Cyil3xSkFRuEq-4YT880Z2vEwMgH95ux3DST6FVkA/s320/2.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5209884836104564242" border="0" /></a>“Put your hands together!”<br /><br />Stop telling me what to do!<br /><br />This isn’t hard rock. This isn’t even firm, stiff or solid rock. And I don’t see any zombies either. I’m so disillusioned…I need to grow a mustache!<br /><br />This song has well and truly worn out it’s welcome. Just how much can you shake, shake, shake it off, baby, anyway? I mean, really?<br /><br />This is the bitchninest guitar solo I’ve heard this side of Dragon Force!<br /><br />Now the entire band is inexplicably all in their underwear in a big room together. And what interesting choices of underwear indeed. I’m beginning to think these men may not be as straight as they first appear…<br /><br />Their lead singer has a mullet and a mustache. His name is Mulletstache, from what I’ve been able to gather thus far.<br /><br />“Sign those luscious nubile underage tits, man!” Even the fact that he had to be told…<br /><br />“Soon I’ll be mormon and you’ll ALL be my wives!” Eh, if he was gonna he would have done it by now.<br /><br />Alright: crazy bitches, midgets, fucked up town, ambiguously gay 80’s rock band, ominous warning not to play a show in the fucked up town but they are anyway. Check. I’m on track.<br /><br />What’s this bands name, anyway? I don’t think one has been presented. Well, I need to call them something. How about…The Flaming Wangabees! Yeah, that’s it!<br /><br />A book? Yeah! A B-O-O-o-o-O-o-O-O-K<br /><br />They used music in the Middle Ages to raise the dead? If I’m not mistaken, a ritual of that variety may very well result in zombies. Zombies made of rocks, rocks that would invariably be hard…it’s all coming together.<br /><br />Aw, fuck-nuts! The midgets are back!<br /><br />Haha, he gave that fucker a hand, all right! Literally! Sort of. Fucken midgets.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: left;"><div style="text-align: left;">This is just…inexplicable. So The Flaming Wangabees show up in town and thoroughly run amok with their wacky hi-jinks and shenanigans. Seriously, if there was a book on amok running, hi-jinks and shenanigans, it would be written by these wonderful homosexuals. They run such an amok through this peaceful Midwestern, midget ridden, town, that all of the women are turned into instant screaming nymphomaniacs while all the men can do is watch, chewing on toothpicks, utterly perturbed and perplexed by the blatant showing of wacky amok running, growing ever the more agitated with every scene of disco dancing,<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRnVJUxIonemcFeOP48GpAUaYABLe-MKo4U8s_dqeCFrLMXvCFW6h4YWmLYfRdfjC6VgXAWrli2p3b1bR-6E9fJWvrQg9BLDoA7DUeW1CTigNrZt4dDtKY_8DBYhtEdbFx12mLuFgUMtgb/s1600-h/6.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRnVJUxIonemcFeOP48GpAUaYABLe-MKo4U8s_dqeCFrLMXvCFW6h4YWmLYfRdfjC6VgXAWrli2p3b1bR-6E9fJWvrQg9BLDoA7DUeW1CTigNrZt4dDtKY_8DBYhtEdbFx12mLuFgUMtgb/s320/6.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5209884864722615378" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;">"You! Yeah, you! What the fuck did you just say to us?"<br /></span></div><br />silly photo taking,<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRNxYnYEMAYf4gButTYv9wIwebQWASsyh5D6FbbFyi_p6lfu6JrzwZoNJSe6YgmYxQfZ5SlyR8rrUfCmVhDR5tFjynBQO7sEAjbQFUeROuoEaIhhTeko_fVlS7ngxh_RVJQo0HohRvhGN8/s1600-h/10.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRNxYnYEMAYf4gButTYv9wIwebQWASsyh5D6FbbFyi_p6lfu6JrzwZoNJSe6YgmYxQfZ5SlyR8rrUfCmVhDR5tFjynBQO7sEAjbQFUeROuoEaIhhTeko_fVlS7ngxh_RVJQo0HohRvhGN8/s320/10.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5209886656143479906" border="0" /></a><br />miming,<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7Ru3ZThdihOspfqRfYzT9qTsu8RNCr_POdBXQh82srmdEW9-jeo4onzMo0zUFMAnmfIw7Ab9j05NlDmK5ioGL4p8VCDOJbVDhD_zGj_rulQZ0bOQuHquKOC36iJd75k4x9IphZFnBR2xa/s1600-h/9.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7Ru3ZThdihOspfqRfYzT9qTsu8RNCr_POdBXQh82srmdEW9-jeo4onzMo0zUFMAnmfIw7Ab9j05NlDmK5ioGL4p8VCDOJbVDhD_zGj_rulQZ0bOQuHquKOC36iJd75k4x9IphZFnBR2xa/s320/9.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5209886674944697218" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;">"What? What the...My god, I'm trapped!"</span><br /><br /></div>skateboarding, posing, walking in single file lines for short distances followed immediately by even more spontaneous and random disco dancing.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDvab2Gx72i-x59WDTKwTafjf2oCHAkcnmUwaFDNdmvg1OZYrUdqMhFE6z7uAGCu4JLdwnMkyI9t38R9_r14oeS93DtY_f94pqan2vKqzLc1gO94RBZ6bJyiGz-pH2B5QlG9iSbBhCzhFy/s1600-h/7.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDvab2Gx72i-x59WDTKwTafjf2oCHAkcnmUwaFDNdmvg1OZYrUdqMhFE6z7uAGCu4JLdwnMkyI9t38R9_r14oeS93DtY_f94pqan2vKqzLc1gO94RBZ6bJyiGz-pH2B5QlG9iSbBhCzhFy/s320/7.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5209884907479303858" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;">"Don't you turn your back on us, you son of a bitch! YAGGHH!"</span><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjx44P6d8a2eKTjRQE-3S_wU83J0oqToXF0ydt9D0JYdZm5CitDtVPnvFw_6RpV37_8apf3yPx5X4dJy2TthzRJy2qrYcVJN270sABuOPXB-_OaQGzIravuIrEJ6KcVUwo6R7Xb4o2lIBbC/s1600-h/8.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjx44P6d8a2eKTjRQE-3S_wU83J0oqToXF0ydt9D0JYdZm5CitDtVPnvFw_6RpV37_8apf3yPx5X4dJy2TthzRJy2qrYcVJN270sABuOPXB-_OaQGzIravuIrEJ6KcVUwo6R7Xb4o2lIBbC/s320/8.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5209884913946625282" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:arial;"> "I'm perturbed!"</span></span><br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;">One guy even did that thing where you jump into the air and clap your feet together. <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7ccHnDVVAEfqPIyD8o8_XN8i3eSXCcBBET5XvmN7PBdTLPT9QWeL3VdmpARNOnwwdbOg8beW95F2JbPnM4fXJ98S_2l7ffNg-zA2q4XaNWfe9IHj9BbxcSE-yzQJynZh1UwoWxudjeBOs/s1600-h/3.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7ccHnDVVAEfqPIyD8o8_XN8i3eSXCcBBET5XvmN7PBdTLPT9QWeL3VdmpARNOnwwdbOg8beW95F2JbPnM4fXJ98S_2l7ffNg-zA2q4XaNWfe9IHj9BbxcSE-yzQJynZh1UwoWxudjeBOs/s320/3.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5209884852554004626" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:arial;"> Yeah, like that.</span></span><br /></div></div><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:arial;"></span></span></div><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></span></div>Ever try that? I did, and I fell over. Just goes to show how adept these fellows are at their shenaniganizing. You can tell they’ve had much practice. Did I mention this is all a montage? And it’s set to music that would best be described as…umm…shitty? Yeah, that’ll do. Awesome.<br /><br />That mustachioed mullet monster just got told the fuck off. Serves him right. Fucking shenanigans.<br /><br />Now he’s in love with a girl who looks maybe 16 at the oldest named Cassie. Seriously, this guy has some weird sexual hang ups. First he’s gay, now he’s into underage girls. He must have been molested as a child.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpwRvDLHzuChX_q0lv8F7sFEU9h0pVBoyDrrxYFNG2-oePQ82jSpfVbmF0switFbMKVQgjg-CBLwg1uSbyxJWAEA7qgMztvFJqV_3wFrtR1UGccH7lkLGJKV4-b_6gJIh1_iIX-eWiNWJx/s1600-h/vlcsnap-5077566.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpwRvDLHzuChX_q0lv8F7sFEU9h0pVBoyDrrxYFNG2-oePQ82jSpfVbmF0switFbMKVQgjg-CBLwg1uSbyxJWAEA7qgMztvFJqV_3wFrtR1UGccH7lkLGJKV4-b_6gJIh1_iIX-eWiNWJx/s320/vlcsnap-5077566.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5209888917433021298" border="0" /></a><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:85%;">Who the fuck wears an ascot? Seriously?</span></span><br /></div><br />Mulletstache: “Your neat”<br />Cassie: “No I’m not”<br />Mulletstache: “Yeah, y’ar”<br />Cassie: “No I’m not”<br />Mulletstache: “Yeah y’ar”<br />Cassie: “No I’m not”<br />Mulletstache: “YES YOU FUCKING Y’AR!!!”<br /><br />They were arrested, presumably for running amok in a public thoroughfare without the proper licensing.<br /><br />Oh god! Old people fucking! Old german people fucking! Now the demon midgets want to get in on that action? This is like if David Lynch made a porn flick.<br /><br />Their instruments were booby-trapped! They’re being electrocuted! That is so fucking metal!<br /><br />“My national enquirer says musicians can’t play a single note unless they eat drugs first!” They could, but it’d sound like shit.<br /><br />Self…abuse? This old man seems to be having trouble grasping the concept at first, once he understands, though, he starts making exaggerated wanking off motions with his hand and goes into a diatribe about a goat, then he pantomimes exactly what it was he did with said goat. I dunno, that sounds more like goat abuse to me.<br /><br />The psycho chick from the beginning of the movie hops into a shower. Eager to get down with some penetration, one of the members of the Flaming Wangabees hops in with her (obviously trying to prove something to himself…) only to get more penetration than he bargained for when she stabs him. A shitload.<br /><br />Wait a minute, where did she hide that knife in the shower?<br /><br />And now, BAM, an old woman (Who I’m assuming is Eva Braun) just turned into a werewolf! Then, BAM, Braunwolf just busted out duel switchblades (That’s fucking two, bitches!) and disemboweled a man! BAM!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlgNpD3LVMizdmpAe02Ovsgen4IX-LBYbNTBeNNnefAKmf1BEecUFvXsvG9XQf8bqfoUV1GNDdcKQOQfwP6Sz9KJU1qZ3qEyX5OM6jBRtON_a-TsomSR3hEpg8JkBe7nlxmzDz7kIKAuz2/s1600-h/11.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlgNpD3LVMizdmpAe02Ovsgen4IX-LBYbNTBeNNnefAKmf1BEecUFvXsvG9XQf8bqfoUV1GNDdcKQOQfwP6Sz9KJU1qZ3qEyX5OM6jBRtON_a-TsomSR3hEpg8JkBe7nlxmzDz7kIKAuz2/s320/11.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5209886663222789666" border="0" /></a><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:85%;">The visage of inevitable destruction<br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>Meanwhile the townsfolk are destroying every rock and or roll record they can find with hammers and the shower chick is dancing out somewhere in the desert. Must be her post stabbing ritual or something?<br /><br />Now the fearless mullet-beast/front man of the Flaming Wangabees is being chased by a psycho armed with a weed-whacker and throwing knives! Haha! Now he’s dead. This movie rocks. Hard. Now we just need some fucking zombies.<br /><br />Oh. Now…Hitler? What in the name of the moose that lives in my back yard is going on right now? Hitler’s alive? And he’s trying to take over the world? Again?<br /><br />The Flaming Wangabees have all been brutally slain. Must all be part of Hitler’s nefarious plot to…?<br /><br />Ah, there’re the Rock Hard Zombies! Time to open up good old fashioned American hard rock inspired ass whupping on those filthy Nazis. And their pet midgets, too!<br /><br />Jesus Christ! There’s 40 more minutes of running time? The movie’s only half over? I can’t make it, this is just too much hard rocking zombies all at once for me to handle. I need a break.<br /><br />Alright, it’s been about 18 hours and I’m ready! Ready to rock! Hard! With Zombies! Yeah!<br /><br />They magically came back from the dead. Now they’re zombies, And they’re doing the robot!<br /><br />Sweet vengeance! They’re killing everyone! It’s a hideous montage of dancing 80’s zombies brutally murdering all who oppose them!<br /><br />For some reason their gait is remarkably similar to that of the common household robot. Were they robots before? Then they came back as zombies?<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcE3jJT7hHWDZ0pQ0uR3bZLY1up_k4vTkZQkg6Jyk0ewYAqwOLV6XnlfWZxNBwnDHjoviZrigHhm8MadeZMr-l-ZaaumiQnoEY4FiEyRDCwoZ-p1mLOGLu3BGNwK7Gfp8alNoYmdo5Ljc0/s1600-h/14.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcE3jJT7hHWDZ0pQ0uR3bZLY1up_k4vTkZQkg6Jyk0ewYAqwOLV6XnlfWZxNBwnDHjoviZrigHhm8MadeZMr-l-ZaaumiQnoEY4FiEyRDCwoZ-p1mLOGLu3BGNwK7Gfp8alNoYmdo5Ljc0/s320/14.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5209889415484782722" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Once again, Rock & Roll saves the day…from Hitler. And werewolves. And midgets.<br /><br />“What is it?”<br />“The farm! Hitler! Nazis!”<br />My God…not again…<br /><br />It seems a refugee from the Ten Commandments has magically transported into the movie to explain everything about Hitler before dying for no reason.<br /><br />“Will they hurt Jesse?”<br />“Jesse’s a big boy, he can take care of himself. Besides, he’s dead”<br /><br />Eva Braunwolf is still alive, and now she’s a zombie, too! And Hitler’s returned once again, also as a zombie!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg782R3zEDhlBj0fdSJfcbYGUeGab-IrV1wBUq3_buf32mjI1S1gFk1_49UkDUYb8ujHwE9VDMbYOVIn0s9v0P91kuTzdl2Rs9fImFbhG2_co72SGgcHVWQRqpRXDNkWFhKWCdfQdEOaoXJ/s1600-h/18.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg782R3zEDhlBj0fdSJfcbYGUeGab-IrV1wBUq3_buf32mjI1S1gFk1_49UkDUYb8ujHwE9VDMbYOVIn0s9v0P91kuTzdl2Rs9fImFbhG2_co72SGgcHVWQRqpRXDNkWFhKWCdfQdEOaoXJ/s320/18.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5209886683223432642" border="0" /></a><span style=";font-family:arial;font-size:85%;" >You thought he was bad when he was alive? You ain't seen shit!</span><br /><br /></div>Now you see what happens when you stand between Hitler-zombie and his heinous plot to…do…things? Nazi related things? I don’t know, the point is he’ll wrench your head right off your fucking shoulders then he and his werewolf old lady will have sex on your corpse, laughing! They actually didn’t do that last part, unfortunately. They were thinking about it though.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEju4pLbo5ofsjzdfkMjQrtX4Znybnm2VhuWTgywHNUCsCEKOu1sQ4M4JDvQwp2d_l62SvMTho35PTDATkNEWdiCSWHdA_cwgXDe1rQ28dTraAkfF3nYCTwOQxBPaYKVcJ6_CFW176aLIW50/s1600-h/19.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEju4pLbo5ofsjzdfkMjQrtX4Znybnm2VhuWTgywHNUCsCEKOu1sQ4M4JDvQwp2d_l62SvMTho35PTDATkNEWdiCSWHdA_cwgXDe1rQ28dTraAkfF3nYCTwOQxBPaYKVcJ6_CFW176aLIW50/s320/19.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5209886692079139394" border="0" /></a><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:85%;">"What did you say about my mustache? How DARE you! Eat my rage, bitch!"</span></span><br /></div><br />So, everyone killed by a zombie…becomes a zombie? Even midgets? Fascinating<br /><br />Even after they’re long dead and have become zombies and murdered Hitler and Eva Braun and several midgets, still the only thing on their minds is rocking the ever-holy shit out of anyone unfortunate enough to be within hearing distance of their manic musical gyrations. Now that’s dedication.<br /><br />Hate to break it to you, Mullet-machine, but Cassie’s a chick. Just thought you should know.<br /><br />Hey you zombie fucks, my ears are still intact! You’re only rocking at a 28% success rate; copious ear bleeding doesn’t occur until you get to at least a 67% and until then, you ain’t showing me shit!<br /><br />There’s only one thing worse than a nazi midget, and that’s a nazi midget zombie. Would midgets even be allowed to be Nazis? Maybe after the collapse of his nazi empire Hitler had to adopt more lenient standards.<br /><br />“Ghouls hate heads, the way satan hates the church”<br />“So what do we do?”<br />I see where you're going with this, they all need to band together and build a church out of their own heads. Ingenious! Really, though, heads? Why? Did you just make that shit up to sound smart? Cause it’s working.<br /><br />They’ve successfully moved up to 32% rockitude. Still not good enough, though.<br /><br />This movie better end with The Flaming Wangabees rocking out with a song that is entirely composed of unanimous solos (Drum, bass and guitars) and the word “Skat-cheese” repeated in a high pitched shriek over and over again and played at such a speed that it sounds like nothing more than a constant, ear splitting buzz so intense that every characters head just fucking explodes.<br /><br />“You can’t take that inside, I just washed the floor, it’s dripping!’<br />“Oh, I’m so sorry, he can just wait out here.<br />That’s her boy friends severed head she’s referring too. He was decapitated by a tiny terror I like to call Manfredo! The Undead Nazi Midget!<br /><br />Manfredo has gone on a nazi-rage fueled bloodpage (Like a rampage, but alot more blood) through the country side that would best be described as “whimsically comical” involving him throwing severed heads at people and biting cows.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjv0Xg7UOcJ81981a70oKocZl2SpBleV4k5cSu2xOtBkvo6-g90hA9upKtpF0I_6yZGV8QwrkogIwGiC2LcKtvW6ar9E3smRthAW6zwGnwf4XopdDCzOAMSO8zV5yPSGN7VVxmJD2kU0Nv/s1600-h/20.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjv0Xg7UOcJ81981a70oKocZl2SpBleV4k5cSu2xOtBkvo6-g90hA9upKtpF0I_6yZGV8QwrkogIwGiC2LcKtvW6ar9E3smRthAW6zwGnwf4XopdDCzOAMSO8zV5yPSGN7VVxmJD2kU0Nv/s320/20.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5209888891720867618" border="0" /></a><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:85%;">Go, Manfredo, GO!</span></span><br /></div><br />The other Nazi Midget slave, the one that looks like a Muppet that’s been smoking meth every day for 12 years, is eating himself limb by limb.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiweGrwMab54Rqw441Of0EP0_dEq_6XiR7kUKkWsFvxP4tDQcCc5iiZZS3BVM9vbTs8dXPQlMS7XFZqvIA8BV7V1TNZraH4evWNIQ4DaHEpBim_7pk_xwypukv7-zzNHw_VBxvFyQbxgVvJ/s1600-h/vlcsnap-5090392.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiweGrwMab54Rqw441Of0EP0_dEq_6XiR7kUKkWsFvxP4tDQcCc5iiZZS3BVM9vbTs8dXPQlMS7XFZqvIA8BV7V1TNZraH4evWNIQ4DaHEpBim_7pk_xwypukv7-zzNHw_VBxvFyQbxgVvJ/s320/vlcsnap-5090392.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5209888906509967842" border="0" /></a><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:85%;">Why? Because he's sterile and he likes the taste.</span></span><br /></div><br />And now the townsfolk are being eaten by zombies, all the while the Flaming Wangabees play their show to their audience of one, utterly apathetic to the chaos that reigns down upon the town around them.<br /><br />I never realized how cool leopard spotted pants really are until now.<br /><br />And now ALL the zombies are on stage, dancing! It’s like Thriller, only with slightly fewer Nazis.<br /><br />“The ghouls returned to their grave after ravaging a virgin in the moonlight at midnight, it’s the only way they have sex”<br />Wait, so your new plan is to find a virgin and hand her over to be gang-raped by zombies? Dude! I like the way you think!<br /><br />They’re not interested in your money or your “contracts”! They were made to ROCK and by God, that’s what they’re gonna do!<br /><br />There are just too many miraculously awesome set pieces to describe, here. I really can’t do this film justice.<br /><br />Oh no, they’ve got Cassie! The 14 year old girl that the 28 year old zombie leader of the Flaming Wangabees is inexplicably in love with! And they’re going to “Tie her up and let all the ghouls screw her to death” I don’t think he wants “Ghouls he created screwing her to death” does he? No, he certainly does not. Time for these Hard Rocking zombie motherfuckers to finally prove their skills of Rocking the Fuck Out to the world with a song 98% composed of pure zombie DESTRUCTION! All we need is mass head explosions and my prediction has come to fruition!<br /><br />They’re performing their song on a big rock out in the desert outside of a cave. Where do they hook up their amps you may ask? Real hard rock zombies don’t need things like electricity or Microphones or Amplifiers. Their music is so hard and rockin that it spills out over the land in a wave of pure badassitude akin to 90 billion hell spawned brain-hungry bat demons ravaging the entire country side with their razor sharp teeth of Rock and Roll and shooting Lava-blood out of their nostrils while all screaming in unison the lyrics for AC/DC’s Thunderstruck so loud that even deaf people’s brains scramble in their heads and shoot out of their nostrils!<br /><br />All of the zombies have been lured into an underground complex where they’re being melted due to some kind of corrosive anti-zombie gas.<br /><br />And Hitler meets his final end. Or has he…? Yes. Yes he has. His face fucking melted off, dude! Haha, ironic that Hitler is finally defeated by being locked in a gas chamber.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJ6UggFBaS-YNHraJfsLdZA3q_dnGLnXY1-4ztwPpO02pkIbLLHVSZtiaFORn6sR4xTfJgd02Y1bO-GptSD_UedWxH31nAlX6POI01l6Iddr49v7O4jRVybP2-A-f8fHq9fkJGNuJxeFcV/s1600-h/21.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJ6UggFBaS-YNHraJfsLdZA3q_dnGLnXY1-4ztwPpO02pkIbLLHVSZtiaFORn6sR4xTfJgd02Y1bO-GptSD_UedWxH31nAlX6POI01l6Iddr49v7O4jRVybP2-A-f8fHq9fkJGNuJxeFcV/s320/21.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5209888903136540674" border="0" /></a><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:85%;">Pwned.</span></span><br /></div>TheDamnedThinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09028583081894515922noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438679366506011848.post-52862959114905189162008-06-06T06:08:00.000-08:002008-06-09T04:56:50.846-08:00The Howling 2...Your Sister is a Werewolf: Real Time ReviewThe Howling 2...Your Sister is a Werewolf: Real Time Review<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Premise: </span>Werewolves, orgies, epic battles between the forces of good and evil, midgets, Christopher Lee; Basically everything Lord of the Rings wanted to be.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089308/">http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089308/</a><br /><br /><br />I knew it! Earth werewolves come from space!!!<br /><br />And so does Christopher Lee!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVpTWPqk3TyqCkqrmKqIMEDGSFsjNF9B1hZjQIM1NLUVkYggcCRWfzDtch85Hs7WwWPiEEFD8Gxd_8vV4jsgWjeLsjA4L0iTT4u6QAg0Rphb7RltfP5RfkLsMt964tOaM1YRyYioGooV6y/s1600-h/vlcsnap-3105.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVpTWPqk3TyqCkqrmKqIMEDGSFsjNF9B1hZjQIM1NLUVkYggcCRWfzDtch85Hs7WwWPiEEFD8Gxd_8vV4jsgWjeLsjA4L0iTT4u6QAg0Rphb7RltfP5RfkLsMt964tOaM1YRyYioGooV6y/s320/vlcsnap-3105.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5208770593596392290" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:arial;">I'm not sure what that skeleton is doing there.<br /><br /></span></span></div>Funny, that doesn’t look like Dee Wallace, but it’s supposed to be her character from the original The Howling, so I guess it must be Dee Wallace. Either that or they got some random, blonde actress to play her dead body so as to have some loose, half assed connection with the first movie…but that would be cheating.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieSa-IBlvUfyBJfnhvZUx5DclfJKQFwOa5NxYCBYCteEB26_V9_jGZ3rSUKWlF05-V28h-myViWZJs2HPoU-NYpLp0d4xCb1RaXd_kwsezI3eIJcEUhnDXbwXW2wU57QX7Xd1CALbGNCOc/s1600-h/vlcsnap-4826.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieSa-IBlvUfyBJfnhvZUx5DclfJKQFwOa5NxYCBYCteEB26_V9_jGZ3rSUKWlF05-V28h-myViWZJs2HPoU-NYpLp0d4xCb1RaXd_kwsezI3eIJcEUhnDXbwXW2wU57QX7Xd1CALbGNCOc/s320/vlcsnap-4826.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5208771069283663554" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:arial;">Yeah, pretty sure that's not Dee Wallace</span></span><br /><br /></div>Christopher Lee’s presence can add dignity and respectability to even the most hopelessly inept of …Oh my Lord, what the hell is he wearing?!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhf8KTgb2Qw9RF7pAO_B7e4hifXlX7OKz7KSBfhQCtTmT3LC5uCvyCw4GjW8PaWXj9_Eb4uh-hiYiK9sTGXRTYpSwSTpxhbOVqGpO_vO9zOxKLZfV-nMjb8tV5tUaxK-9esmxrlFgnK2Xr_/s1600-h/vlcsnap-6812.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhf8KTgb2Qw9RF7pAO_B7e4hifXlX7OKz7KSBfhQCtTmT3LC5uCvyCw4GjW8PaWXj9_Eb4uh-hiYiK9sTGXRTYpSwSTpxhbOVqGpO_vO9zOxKLZfV-nMjb8tV5tUaxK-9esmxrlFgnK2Xr_/s320/vlcsnap-6812.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5208771531434055602" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:arial;">That's what!<br /></span></span></div><br />Man, Christopher Lee should have worn that outfit in all of his old movies. Dracula, Rasputin, The Wicker Man; can you just imagine?<br /><br />Damn this 80’s rock music!!! Stop moving feet! I said stop! Don’t make me cut you off!<br /><br />Oh no! It’s an 80’s hobbit with a switchblade and a broken fly!<br /><br />“Your sister is a werewolf!”<br />Damn, Christopher Lee, couldn’t you have broken it to ‘em softly?<br /><br />This girl seems to be accepting the whole werewolf thing without resistance. Oh well, if Christopher Lee told me I was actually a Bio-mechanical Cyborg, engineered by Platypus scientists from the year 2128 and sent to the past to destroy the great state of Ohio I’d probably believe him.<br /><br />Dude, I’m sorry, but this music is actually genuinely badass. It’s not like Gwen Stefani bullshit or something, where it sucks, but you can’t get it out of your head. This song just straight-up fucking rocks, dude.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWw4EMOwkMmp3UeTVkMK8JfCvYAy4If_R7Nvi7s8qR3ZplR8b42YdoxeC4FJr9SXkCbvT4A4iFJ39TASTBM5W_CkbiLDbisEMran82Hz-fUV-dHJj31MH_UTKBEomkdHats6LnTULKMR9O/s1600-h/vlcsnap-5531.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWw4EMOwkMmp3UeTVkMK8JfCvYAy4If_R7Nvi7s8qR3ZplR8b42YdoxeC4FJr9SXkCbvT4A4iFJ39TASTBM5W_CkbiLDbisEMran82Hz-fUV-dHJj31MH_UTKBEomkdHats6LnTULKMR9O/s320/vlcsnap-5531.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5208772024276919778" border="0" /></a><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:85%;">Awesome.<br /><br /></span></span></div>“You want a story? Lets go find it.” While you’re at it why don’t you try to find you some acting skills, too!!! HAHAHAHA!!!! Acting skills! Cause he’s a shitty actor.<br /><br />Why does it look like those trees are growing leaves from their trunks? Naw, I think it was just branches hanging down.<br /><br />So, they’re chasing a wounded werewolf, and this dude picks up a net that looks like it was made by stringing together really long shoelaces. The werewolf falls to the ground in exhaustion and the guy drops the net on top of it. Yeah, that’ll hold ‘em! If the werewolf is to weak to wrestle its way out of that net then I doubt it would be going anywhere anyway.<br /><br />A bunch of werewolves in human form are standing around a fire wearing bondage gear and chanting as an old woman sucks the life force from a demonic looking corpse and then transforms into Sybil Danning. Hot!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBEbTZafLIV-EEuMMOLht5JlCVNi57bl2-0VGaY7ZuCwmC35T5b7cF_e_pEIJy7xnizjvW_IgxEaR5TQye26XUHdu_nhfP2-IGE0K3a3SkLc-bUchPmvB0VrYWvt1kYrawnIMT9bVcUmv-/s1600-h/vlcsnap-21334.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBEbTZafLIV-EEuMMOLht5JlCVNi57bl2-0VGaY7ZuCwmC35T5b7cF_e_pEIJy7xnizjvW_IgxEaR5TQye26XUHdu_nhfP2-IGE0K3a3SkLc-bUchPmvB0VrYWvt1kYrawnIMT9bVcUmv-/s320/vlcsnap-21334.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5208772534255886898" border="0" /></a><span style=";font-family:arial;font-size:85%;" >Before<br /><br /></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOO7zCk-5B_MA0HfqZQXN0m3Y-UuJSzLZPR0opgWZy-LRONO6PGC5pYEAxHl8G-_3wd4ZVI0GUQLIr1WVPg9H4eDh21LOBD1b72pGrCVv_32EgexvFZUSB3ZL5iPdTYOX8NdS0zJuwk8K1/s1600-h/vlcsnap-22107.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOO7zCk-5B_MA0HfqZQXN0m3Y-UuJSzLZPR0opgWZy-LRONO6PGC5pYEAxHl8G-_3wd4ZVI0GUQLIr1WVPg9H4eDh21LOBD1b72pGrCVv_32EgexvFZUSB3ZL5iPdTYOX8NdS0zJuwk8K1/s320/vlcsnap-22107.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5208772815256487058" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;">After</span><br /></div><br />Wow, Philippe Mora is a fucking madman.<br /><br />Here we have the first of hopefully many werewolf orgy scenes. Well, this one is just a werewolf three-way. I think I remember a full-blown werewolf orgy later in the movie.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1Wj_-CvdO15vJD8iBbrngvCDhxLG4325D5Or74l6A0OEqSTiHnad82j73mUj_rFH8VJfLuy_BESoHTYxjz8v4x_GckPmSYzNRlKCoIAlCrURYoJdr8I-j-sThG7wGwFZOgZMALRgbp5cd/s1600-h/vlcsnap-24926.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1Wj_-CvdO15vJD8iBbrngvCDhxLG4325D5Or74l6A0OEqSTiHnad82j73mUj_rFH8VJfLuy_BESoHTYxjz8v4x_GckPmSYzNRlKCoIAlCrURYoJdr8I-j-sThG7wGwFZOgZMALRgbp5cd/s320/vlcsnap-24926.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5208773579509066402" border="0" /></a><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:85%;">Just fucking TRY to tell me that this doesn't turn you on. </span></span><br /><br /></div>A werewolf-fighting midget? This movie just went up about 4.7 notches on my Cool-O-Meter, which puts it at about a…14.7 on my Cool-O-Meter.<br /><br />“I don’t have any patience” You don’t have any acting skills, either! HAHAHAHA!! No acting skills! Because he’s such a shitty actor, see?<br /><br />Why would they cover Sybil Danning’s tits with hair?! You can’t even see ‘em now. Outrageous!<br /><br />Are these werewolves high? I dare you to watch this movie and tell me they don’t look fucked up to you.<br /><br />That midget throws a mean dagger.<br /><br />Now that midget hit a dude over the head with a club. He’s just fucking these bitches up left and right. He’s a goddamn Dynamo, I tells ya! Jesus, I’m sorry for every bad thing I’ve ever said about midgets.<br /><br />What the hell is wrong with these werewolves all the time? They’re always screaming and biting each other, even when they’re not having an orgy.<br /><br />Those are some groovy sunglasses.<br /><br />Sybil Danning was chanting some crazy slut-wolf wizardry, then that werewolf fighting-midget was flailing about, spazing out and just generally flipping his shit all over the goddamn place and then Sybil Danning started shooting these goddamn yellow laser fucking beams (LASER BEAMS!)!! from her fuckin fingers-tips like Mr Sinister from X-Men the Animated Series! And her pimp-cape started glowing and shit! Then she started howling and the midget started shooting blood out his fuckin nostrils like a goddamn faucet and then BOOM - his motherfuckin eyes exploded all to fuckity fucking shit with a sickening “PLISHPLGloOOjShh” kind of noise. Ah, man…that was exciting.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-Syj77q6-E7lHZUMBYC8xJC5khxsAc-i4U_ZfWXPQGqYs6nJnQrOyhtbq3uPerTHoW6ZUBdoINo2Rk_pw42znjwiUZG08H9UrCp9wkudcdgbjsOj7HfUqVS4Z9NX-kfBhRPICPhqwlijM/s1600-h/vlcsnap-36344.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-Syj77q6-E7lHZUMBYC8xJC5khxsAc-i4U_ZfWXPQGqYs6nJnQrOyhtbq3uPerTHoW6ZUBdoINo2Rk_pw42znjwiUZG08H9UrCp9wkudcdgbjsOj7HfUqVS4Z9NX-kfBhRPICPhqwlijM/s320/vlcsnap-36344.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5208774193967046242" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;">Chanting!</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeW3b07Hqe3xxih-XANEEjMo1lYG1UBR4_l58Ia5Fjv5F3-kaVi99NzTU2Zce_z1NYqpZGBySwoOmghGL-E-DeWtXPqBzQe3vueavtSfFIAIyln4v6Zr9VQWMIjQtuhKBgPsSP1b33T0Es/s1600-h/vlcsnap-37458.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeW3b07Hqe3xxih-XANEEjMo1lYG1UBR4_l58Ia5Fjv5F3-kaVi99NzTU2Zce_z1NYqpZGBySwoOmghGL-E-DeWtXPqBzQe3vueavtSfFIAIyln4v6Zr9VQWMIjQtuhKBgPsSP1b33T0Es/s320/vlcsnap-37458.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5208774475289425746" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;">Flailing!</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYC3eDY4MljEp1m5YQvZmJn0nZr4JHe1iSsJKrBiYq8o7x0NU06qAGn-hfe3WAxbKN_jU3Puq-Jyuc8Tpu3z-3WY82LpN_MRqMhAZX1WEAxmPRi9nGndazMXH4B9DKM6GsP2uIcIQtOzoq/s1600-h/vlcsnap-37764.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYC3eDY4MljEp1m5YQvZmJn0nZr4JHe1iSsJKrBiYq8o7x0NU06qAGn-hfe3WAxbKN_jU3Puq-Jyuc8Tpu3z-3WY82LpN_MRqMhAZX1WEAxmPRi9nGndazMXH4B9DKM6GsP2uIcIQtOzoq/s320/vlcsnap-37764.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5208774721026262274" border="0" /></a><span style=";font-family:arial;font-size:85%;" >Cape!</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0j1iN2eaDrTZRj0SKIrlzizl6sF7hzEshb1ueBhqeY0JIqu-rHCAuDjIlpSHYJsvrH7d47KmdfVIdnMeAj2xeprllM94MqxqwC174DehfJGoCnn1tZkF1a8LeZHBkSKGLIlDhe-TJsrWb/s1600-h/vlcsnap-37884.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0j1iN2eaDrTZRj0SKIrlzizl6sF7hzEshb1ueBhqeY0JIqu-rHCAuDjIlpSHYJsvrH7d47KmdfVIdnMeAj2xeprllM94MqxqwC174DehfJGoCnn1tZkF1a8LeZHBkSKGLIlDhe-TJsrWb/s320/vlcsnap-37884.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5208774965219786530" border="0" /></a><span style=";font-family:arial;font-size:85%;" >Bleeding!</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3y1HyEi-m4_gjc0I19YiJbR40WokeJ6TyuY1OzAc9Cfkb4-TXUl6AlHjIN-9tlFymRVCb57L1y48u_Q_zfehaQ-96lck41g5OPemB8tFzcIJXyZ7FNvvxh3jzVZQxqLxbUuezvvfy74Gc/s1600-h/vlcsnap-37799.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3y1HyEi-m4_gjc0I19YiJbR40WokeJ6TyuY1OzAc9Cfkb4-TXUl6AlHjIN-9tlFymRVCb57L1y48u_Q_zfehaQ-96lck41g5OPemB8tFzcIJXyZ7FNvvxh3jzVZQxqLxbUuezvvfy74Gc/s320/vlcsnap-37799.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5208775242252623570" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;">Lasers!</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjck0BKYKT5aAobjnwT22nb_oLULfdiHvVvzV-np3yNFmQlyvNcvSPt0si5H10C7BelBdvk-P9FjjqZ8wxu6-JkGyg85lnwxDYRXnh2Yy1BqNWqQnOQgnszX6KnlyxzCNyJ3SneT7QeJmKr/s1600-h/vlcsnap-37935.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjck0BKYKT5aAobjnwT22nb_oLULfdiHvVvzV-np3yNFmQlyvNcvSPt0si5H10C7BelBdvk-P9FjjqZ8wxu6-JkGyg85lnwxDYRXnh2Yy1BqNWqQnOQgnszX6KnlyxzCNyJ3SneT7QeJmKr/s320/vlcsnap-37935.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5208775391713933042" border="0" /></a><span style=";font-family:arial;font-size:85%;" >Explosion!</span><br /><br /></div>Apparently that midget came back to life as a minion of Sybil Danning (AKA: Wonder tits- AKA: Stirba the Furry Titted Wolf Queen). Or was that a different midget? I can’t tell. All midgets look the same to me.<br /><br />So that midget cut Christopher Lee’s arm, then that one guy with the zero acting skillz (with a Z, bitches) tossed his midgity zombie ass out a window. He then fell onto some spikes that were on the ground for some reason.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiC3jep_6M-8ttPw0jW_OQghMybvxsCRQnvnEvvHKYqjkG_hgs81DcvXgNzS0ks8xFJzeksV6kUnx3BQZwW4gcYfKjmEgeZY1Wn_gE_dXTZsx3zMfbXi-ORAiNWyjn-LnGlEBC6ATeEdVcH/s1600-h/vlcsnap-40728.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiC3jep_6M-8ttPw0jW_OQghMybvxsCRQnvnEvvHKYqjkG_hgs81DcvXgNzS0ks8xFJzeksV6kUnx3BQZwW4gcYfKjmEgeZY1Wn_gE_dXTZsx3zMfbXi-ORAiNWyjn-LnGlEBC6ATeEdVcH/s320/vlcsnap-40728.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5208776263184577586" border="0" /></a><span style=";font-family:arial;font-size:85%;" >Holy shit!</span><br /><br /></div>Here we go. This is what I’ve been waiting for. A full-blown orgy of werewolves. There’s hair covered boners and she-wolves with six tits and all kinds of freaky shit! Is it wrong that I have an erection? If it is, I don’t wanna be right.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1V2NA_Uue54UIOXgyYOd8hEv3ph0PvCy2rTZNm37Xf1FhnGSWGALr2IWVYU33zHgSr79mKE0akfqyQuEfJBgB1ozqpSoBNPSSDHV0W-Qu-xPVGeo_FFcITghXeVF_ImrLsWFtySH4xvQX/s1600-h/vlcsnap-42799.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1V2NA_Uue54UIOXgyYOd8hEv3ph0PvCy2rTZNm37Xf1FhnGSWGALr2IWVYU33zHgSr79mKE0akfqyQuEfJBgB1ozqpSoBNPSSDHV0W-Qu-xPVGeo_FFcITghXeVF_ImrLsWFtySH4xvQX/s320/vlcsnap-42799.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5208776754067725394" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:arial;">Is that guy doing a hand-stand?<br /><br /></span></span></div>Wow, what must it have been like shooting this scene? “You, lady with the ears, moan loader! You, with the hairy tits, more gyrating! Hey, get your furry ass out of the way, you’re blocking the money shot!”<br /><br />I made that stuff up about the multi-titted werewolves and the furry boners, what I didn’t make up was my erection. Which just won’t seem to go away…<br /><br />So what exactly does Cybil Danning do besides oversee massive werewolf orgies and chant little people’s eyes into exploding? She does have a cool stick that she carries around; I take it that it (coupled with her massive tits) is what gives her, her power.<br /><br />It looks like they’re being attacked by a pack of ravenous big feet. Oh, I guess those are werewolves.<br /><br />A werewolf on human battle scene consisting almost exclusively of shots of axes rending hairy flesh.<br /><br />Those werewolves were fucking weak!<br /><br />These werewolves are extremely inconsistent. One second they’re full blown werewolves covered in hair with elongated snouts, the next second they look like the vampires from Buffy. Sometimes they die from being shot with normal bullets, sometimes it takes Titanium spikes (?) to kill them, sometimes silver. Fuck it. I really only sat through this much to get to the werewolves fucking, anyway.<br /><br />This guy’s having some kind of fucked up werewolf paroxysm. He’s making all kinds of noises and his sideburns have grown to a disturbing length. They’re practically threatening to envelope his entire head. Christ, those are some scary sideburns.<br /><br />The top of Cybil Danning’s Demon Stick came to life, flew through the air and stuck its tail down an old priest’s throat until he died. Wow! That made sense!<br /><br />Haha! I lied, that didn’t make any sense at all…and neither does this…<br /><br />So this werewolf was having a seizure and his werewolf girlfriend was chasing him around whipping him with a cat o’ nine tails, and they were both screaming like freakish banshees. Just another scene that I’ve found troublingly arousing in a movie that has consisted almost entirely of such moments.<br /><br />Apparently when Sybil Danning’s demon bat monster shoved its tail down that guy’s mouth it impregnated him, because just now another little flying demon monster just came out of him. I think it’s safe to assume Philippe Mora was constantly on a cocktail of LSD, shrooms and mescaline while shooting this movie. And God bless him for it!<br /><br />And now Christopher Lee did some shit, and I guess the werewolves have been defeated.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJOPKkKMIGO1Cvh-1i5y3y0Y8j-M49qlQ0iPT6qxmxk8O72Z1EpgRPIwXl-kX-ZSu7QKVimiKT3hHw3p1jgVQKi9JNMLpB32lDt0Fpku3Mp63dPCYnpXtBwv1Claf6U4EGS_ZFjm9nYXla/s1600-h/vlcsnap-52221.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJOPKkKMIGO1Cvh-1i5y3y0Y8j-M49qlQ0iPT6qxmxk8O72Z1EpgRPIwXl-kX-ZSu7QKVimiKT3hHw3p1jgVQKi9JNMLpB32lDt0Fpku3Mp63dPCYnpXtBwv1Claf6U4EGS_ZFjm9nYXla/s320/vlcsnap-52221.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5208777346701402130" border="0" /></a><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:85%;">I'm really not sure what the fuck is going on anymore.</span><br /><br /></span></div>So I wonder if one of the pieces of direction Mora gave his actors was to always act like a fucking creep.<br /><br />I wonder if there’s anywhere I could download this song. This movie has basically forcibly addicted me to it, like a pimp forcibly addicting his Ho’s to heroin.<br /><br />You might as well skip the movie and watch the ending credits. You get all the best parts: the theme song, exploding midget eyes and of course Cybil Danning’s tits x17.<br /><br />TITS!<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRiy-G0wNHD_0E0PrumZmcCQrD2CJO-VDiu2fireWGDvPvR4xKJ6y1Wsr2Otfg6JSYmWxjwZJeZcrKYmauDDn50ZwV-NM0VSK6bpyc6ZbRkbpiweRYhShkoNQGjTsjf1u-dBsU1QJ_kFBZ/s1600-h/vlcsnap-53223.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRiy-G0wNHD_0E0PrumZmcCQrD2CJO-VDiu2fireWGDvPvR4xKJ6y1Wsr2Otfg6JSYmWxjwZJeZcrKYmauDDn50ZwV-NM0VSK6bpyc6ZbRkbpiweRYhShkoNQGjTsjf1u-dBsU1QJ_kFBZ/s320/vlcsnap-53223.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5208777670531439602" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:arial;">Actually, I think I like em' better with the hair.</span></span><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>TheDamnedThinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09028583081894515922noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438679366506011848.post-82978510586803136082008-05-21T11:03:00.000-08:002008-05-27T23:19:18.164-08:00The Wicker Man 06': Real Time Review<span style="font-weight: bold;">The Wicker Man 06': Real Time Review</span><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Premise:</span> Nicholas Cage. Bear suit. You do the math.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0450345/">http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0450345/</a><br /><br />It would be cool if Nick Cage and his police motorcycle magically burst into flame right now. Like in Ghost Rider, except instead of becoming a demonic super hero he burns to death and explodes.<br /><br />I didn’t think the back windows in cars were laminated.<br /><br />“I didn’t even know you had a plot” I’ll tell you what does, though, this movie. That’s for damn sure.<br /><br />“You’re probably laughing at me.”<br /><br />I know I am<br /><br />Wow, these island folk sure aren’t creepy or anything. Totally acting like normal people.<br /><br />Seriously, if these chicks were acting like this around me I’d probably scream and flail my arms about and start spitting on them.<br /><br />Nicolas Cage approaches the moving, bulging, bleeding burlap sack and opens it to reveal…<br /><br />…<br /><br />I can’t think of anything…<br /><br />Oh, that’s real funny, real fucking funny you fucking whores. What the fuck do you think you’re laughing at! You can’t laugh at Nick Cage! No one can unless you want him to visit you in your sleep and…Oh, I am so fucked.<br /><br />Mead? What are you, Vikings? There’s a Viking commune off the coast of Washington? Why was I not informed?!<br /><br />Aw, shit, Nicolas Cage hopped up on mead; I predict a lot of screaming and over the top flailing of the limbs along with odd, and highly disturbing, facial distortions as well as probably more than a few people getting stabbed/punched in the throat in the near future.<br /><br />Something tells me that the bees will be getting their revenge by the end of this movie…<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZOOf1YAvtTBsLnFYfcjDLTOjEdlcMwEzPumo3HJDgVy1GreMHFYicB884trHK8DKU2R028hzyJ5xJUHUZ6djICIsBAxdgxi9i5TWERY8xsRcBmHHZD4BCLa_3xE0vCM-iGY6-GyHX_i0W/s1600-h/wicker-man-bees.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZOOf1YAvtTBsLnFYfcjDLTOjEdlcMwEzPumo3HJDgVy1GreMHFYicB884trHK8DKU2R028hzyJ5xJUHUZ6djICIsBAxdgxi9i5TWERY8xsRcBmHHZD4BCLa_3xE0vCM-iGY6-GyHX_i0W/s320/wicker-man-bees.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5205323589777982786" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Oh, they were engaged, she was scared, she ran away; try to guess how much I don’t give a fuck.<br /><br />Wow, this is such a mystery, so engaging, I can’t wait to find out how the relationship between Nick Cage and his ex-fiancé will resolve itself, how Cage’s feud with the island’s Bee population will develop, why these lady’s are all a bunch of creepy skanks. I’m literally on the edge of my seat…trying to keep myself from leaping up and punching the TV into the fucking drywall.<br /><br />Random Nicolas Cage Quote Time!<br />“I want to take his face... off.”<br />From the movie Face(slash)Off!<br /><br />Cage narrowly escaped falling through a hole and I narrowly escaped giving a fuck, and by narrowly I mean the opposite of narrow, which would be…wide, I guess.<br /><br />Fertility festival, eh? Sounds dirty.<br /><br />The day of tomorrow? You mean you want to know what happens tomorrow? Or the day after tomorrow? Ok, so you want to know what’s happening tomorrow? As in the day immediately following today? I’m still confused. Just fucking kill yourself if you can’t even phrase a simple fucking question!<br /><br />Stop smiling, you’re creeping me out.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivf0657dDduqCOA7fq7OOwalRv2PxVXV4ML8iuQojVI4V72AW0qfQfetP6utPFqALU3hv_wobT2PB4ZVo1nZEAZr7uAIcf2mbk5HOicUkjZgqbGJ7Fswx5vpQdd4wgDv5sBB3dxlZq9x9g/s1600-h/nicholas_cage_wicker_man.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivf0657dDduqCOA7fq7OOwalRv2PxVXV4ML8iuQojVI4V72AW0qfQfetP6utPFqALU3hv_wobT2PB4ZVo1nZEAZr7uAIcf2mbk5HOicUkjZgqbGJ7Fswx5vpQdd4wgDv5sBB3dxlZq9x9g/s320/nicholas_cage_wicker_man.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5205323903310595410" border="0" /></a><span style="font-family: arial;font-size:85%;" >He... Just... Won't... STOP!</span><br /></div><br />Even the little kids are fucking creeps. I’d just kill everyone on the island and use it to raise emus.<br /><br />“You’re all liars!” You tell those little shits!<br /><br />“Of course, another plant! Rose!” Yes, a rose IS a plant! Very good!<br /><br />OH! MY! GOD! He is Rowan's father! HE IS ROWAN'S FATHER!!!! OH MY FUCKING CHRIST! What a shocking and unexpected turn of events.<br /><br />Random Nicolas Cage Quote Time<br />“Edwina's insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.”<br />From the movie Raising Arizona!<br /><br />Wow, I’m scared. This movie is scary. It’s scaring me. A lot.<br /><br />“Perhaps I could help you” You could help me by not being a bitch.<br /><br />“Why are you yelling at me” He’s Nicolas Cage, his voice only comes in two volumes: normal and Screaming Maniac.<br /><br />Oh, shit, good thing you’re not allergic to bees or anything.<br /><br />His daughter is made out of bees? I’m not sure I’m understanding this right.<br /><br />“I treated the danger in the old way” With the bodily fluids of various farm animals?<br /><br />Nick Cage is getting’ ready to pop this bitch, Oh, yeah…<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjX1E89utL6AnsmW4lTm1VrgiWK_ZUKaQBVK1N0Y-24E35Pa39GVSH-jatZjctDGvlzS-qfyXon347afcadydmUw4530cQInqWDhyh4ZV5LZb84iKS0q6I0lncIenMM-Zwxin2Vc0Of0T6i/s1600-h/asefeasf.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjX1E89utL6AnsmW4lTm1VrgiWK_ZUKaQBVK1N0Y-24E35Pa39GVSH-jatZjctDGvlzS-qfyXon347afcadydmUw4530cQInqWDhyh4ZV5LZb84iKS0q6I0lncIenMM-Zwxin2Vc0Of0T6i/s320/asefeasf.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5205324517490918754" border="0" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;font-size:85%;" >Oh, shit, RUN!</span><br /></div><br />He’s being such a jerkass.<br /><br />So the men are nothing but breeding tools? Why is this a problem?<br /><br />Random Nicolas Cage Quote Time<br />“Yeah.”<br />From the movie The Rock!<br /><br />The word “Rowan” has now lost all meaning.<br /><br />“HOW’D IT GET BURNED, HOW’D IT GET BURNED???!!!!!!!!!!” I can figure this one out, I know it! Just let me think for a second… Maybe you ran it over with your flaming motorcycle?<br /><br />Did he just jack that chick’s bike at gunpoint?<br />“(pulls gun) Step away from the bike!”<br />Yep, he sure did.<br /><br />“I don’t need anyone’s goddamn permission!” He’s Nicolas Cage, that goes without saying.<br /><br />“Very soon you’ll be an entire family of bears!” I’m going to pretend that makes sense for the sake of my own peace of mind.<br /><br />I’m getting the feeling that these island folk are perhaps slightly less than what would be classically defined as mentally stable.<br /><br />So this bitch starts mouthing off to Mr. Cage making some smartass remark about how he’s “looking worse for wear” He just looks at her as if he discovered she drank his last Rock Star even though it was clearly labeled “NICOLAS CAGE” in felt pen and was on HIS side of the refrigerator, and walks up to her then punches her right in the fucking face! He’s not having that shit! That’s what you get! You drink my fucking Rock Star, bitch! I’ll fucking kill you! I had to wake up at 5am yesterday!<br /><br />Holy fuck! Did he just sidekick Leelee Sobieski in the face! He totally did! Right in the face! He was struggling with her for a little bit then this terrible kind of resolve came over his face and he let loose with the fiercest fucking sidekick I’ve seen since last Tuesday. What kind of a name is Leelee, anyway?<br /><br />Random Nicolas Cage Quote Time:<br />“You *don't*... *treat*... *women*... *like*... *that*!”<br />From the movie Con Air!<br /><br />Now…he’s wearing…a bear suit? Because: A. he needs it to hide from the psycho hookers that inhabit the island and: B. because it’s awesome. Bears are awesome. Bear suits are awesome, and it’s cool to dress like a bear. Cage realizes this and takes advantage of it to it’s full potential.<br /><br />Nick Cage the Amazing Two Legged Side Kicking Karate Bear just strides right up to this lady and bear punches her right in the face with his amazing bear fists of bear fury! While wearing a suit clearly modeled after a bear, probably a black bear(Ursus americanus)<br /><br />. . .BEARS!!!!!<br /><br />NO! Don’t take the bear suit off! It is the source of all your powers!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_QxH7uhefg9JcubALswB4Hx56mrdTyJSxk3mXNa21rjEfTDaBD3q-KqsJ6gWSVLLIu3kOAXdjLjDLVn3tquEY8VLnFWisRzjH9a_rRwIU6NYx9mpzF7H4S7Dxglntkz0KrtJ6rv_PWlMe/s1600-h/2434602227_a6e03da835.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_QxH7uhefg9JcubALswB4Hx56mrdTyJSxk3mXNa21rjEfTDaBD3q-KqsJ6gWSVLLIu3kOAXdjLjDLVn3tquEY8VLnFWisRzjH9a_rRwIU6NYx9mpzF7H4S7Dxglntkz0KrtJ6rv_PWlMe/s320/2434602227_a6e03da835.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5205324856793335154" border="0" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:85%;">A recreation of the scene in which Nicholas Cage punches a woman in the face whilst dressed as a bear.</span><br /></div><br />Wait, she survived being punched in the face by Nicolas Cage? How? Probably because he wasn’t wearing his Super Bear power suit of bear pummeling rage at the time.<br /><br />“I swear to god I will shoot you!” Listen to him, man, he’s Nick Cage he don’t give a fuck! He’s a maniac! A FUCKING MANIAC!!!!!!!!<br /><br />This never would have happened if you left your bear suit on…<br /><br />“You bitches! You bitches!” Now that’s just rude, man. Not cool. Not cool at all.<br /><br />“Killing me won’t bring back your goddamn honey!”<br /><br />Show’s how much YOU know! You killed one of their kind and now the bees refuse to work. This act of divine retribution is the ONLY way to get the honey back!…wait, that’s not why they’re doing it? They think that by sacrificing Nicolas Cage to they’re pagan goddess the bees will start producing honey again? That’s just crazy. What a bunch of fuck-jobs these bitches are.<br /><br />What is it? It’s the bee helmet!!! I told you the bees would have they’re vengeance!<br /><br />“NOT THE BEES, NOT THE BEES! THEY’RE IN MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!! ARGAGRAGARGAOLOGARA YOGULEOGGLEEYOOOOO!!!!”… end quote. They should definitely show this clip if Cage ever goes on Inside the Actors Studio again.<br /><br />They burnt him alive in this huge effigy made from some type of wood. Probably teak.<br /><br /><br />Just for the hell of it…<br /><br /><br />“Hey! My mom lives in a trailer!”<br />Con Air<br /><br />“I just wanna find some *rockets*!”<br />The Rock<br /><br />“And this here's the TV.”<br />Raising Arizona</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:arial;"><p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></p></span></span></div>TheDamnedThinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09028583081894515922noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438679366506011848.post-52839253735801387752008-05-21T10:56:00.000-08:002008-05-31T18:43:26.035-08:00Grizzly Rage: Real Time Review<span style="font-weight: bold;">Grizzly Rage: Real Time Review<br /><br />Premise:</span> Grizzly + Rage = People getting fucked up.<br /><p class="MsoNormal"><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0896816/">http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0896816/</a><br /></p><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPtIjaeh6g95CA4ujkw_x6oKQFnC52p3sHptoeqoDuAHZ-kDsHjQp3HoQm_GCrGWQtu07xaks6ADkK_IvbHxB4x14GChfyBtSL6mOJqgi52IZx24U2-e7Q-isgkd4VyFNLiSIJWQCrLvun/s1600-h/grizzly_rage.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPtIjaeh6g95CA4ujkw_x6oKQFnC52p3sHptoeqoDuAHZ-kDsHjQp3HoQm_GCrGWQtu07xaks6ADkK_IvbHxB4x14GChfyBtSL6mOJqgi52IZx24U2-e7Q-isgkd4VyFNLiSIJWQCrLvun/s320/grizzly_rage.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5202907689492628450" border="0" /></a>“A sci fi channel original” Yes! The stamp of quality.<br /><br />Oh, you’re gonna start crying? Well I’m gonna start crying too, because this movie fucking blows! Just kidding, I just got here, movie started 6 minutes ago, what’d I miss? Where’s the raging grizzlies? Or the grizzly rage? Either way.<br /><br />30 seconds and already I’m bored.<br /><br />I’m thinking, maybe that fence was there for a reason? What kind or reason? To keep people out? No, I think it was there to keep something…IN! Like a, oh, I don’t know, Rage fueled grizzly bear for example?!<br /><br />You don’t believe it? You cruised through the forest at full speed in your fucking jeep! Know what’s in the forest? TREES! Here’s a little equation to try to explain things: Speeding car + Large, practically immovable tree = fuck!<br /><br />Ah, the grizzly’s rage becomes clear. At first I thought perhaps it had been infected with some kind of rage virus, but now I see that it’s rage is much more akin to the rage suffered by the Orca, from the movie “Orca”. It’s revenge rage! Vengeance minded momma grizzlies filled with unholy rage due to the horrible murder of their child at the hands of a bunch of reckless Meth heads (I assume) are not a pretty sight. Take it from me, I live in Alaska, if there’re two things we have plenty of, it’s grizzly bears and meth heads.<br /><br />Wait. You know there is a bear out in the forest right? A bear seeking vengeance on you and your friends, right? You know bears are significantly bigger and faster than people, right? And they have claws and teeth and such. I mean, you know a bear can kill you, right? So, you know there’s a bear out there that wants to kill you and is capable of killing you, so why are you wandering around in the forest on your own? You think your some kind of Karate Bear Fighter or something? Well let me tell you, there is only ONE Karate Bear Fighter, my friend. And if you want to see him in action watch the film “Karate Bear Fighter” Starring Sonny Chiba! He fights a bear, with the power of his Karate! I don’t think this little vag even knows karate!<br /><br />I don’t even see anything chasing him. Is it some kind of ninja stealth grizzly?<br /><br />Ok, I’m going to use this commercial break to try to clear some things up in my mind. So, a bunch of stupid cunts decide to break into some kind of wild life park, they drive along on a tiny, winding dirt road at 90 miles an hour, hit a bear cub, realize that it’s mom is out for blood, then their car breaks down, and one of them decides to run off through the forest on his own for some reason at which point he is slashed across the face and then grabbed by some unknown creature with big brown furry mittens, then thrown through the air, and every once and a while we cut to a grizzly bear screaming. So, was the grizzly bear screaming at the man with the big furry mittens? Was he trying to warn that dude that some kind of furry mitten wearing serial killer was sneaking up on him? Man, What’s the connection between that grizzly bear and the killer furry mittens? Damnit! I can’t figure it out!<br /><br />Wait, do you mean to tell me that the grizzly bear was the one wearing the furry mittens! Well that just doesn’t make sense, I mean, why would a grizzly bear need mittens?<br /><br />“Where’s rich?!”<br />“Get in the car!”<br />“Where’s rich?!”<br />“Get in the car!”<br />“WHERE’S RICH?!”<br />“IN THE CAR!”<br />“Oh…ok, then.”<br /><br />Wait, their car works now? Since when? Why didn’t they just drive away earlier, then? Well, I guess it doesn’t work any more, since that guy just flipped it over. For no reason. How hard is it to not drive off of a road? Honestly. How hard? Even I can do it. Are these people really supposed to be worse drivers than I am?<br /><br />I wish this movie would turn into one of those “Messin’ with Sasquatch” commercials, with the grizzly bear running out of no where and body slamming one of these fuckers like 50 feet through the air. That’d be sweet as fuck.<br /><br />Didn’t David Decoteau direct this? And neither of these guys have taken their shirts off to, like use them as bandages or wash the windshield off with? Wow, Davy is showing uncharacteristic restraint with this flick.<br /><br />15 kilometers? Kilometers? What?! What’re you from Uruguay or something?<br /><br />Have you forgotten about that man hungry revenge fueled grizzly out there looking to make you pay for the death of her child by feasting on your intestines? Because I’m pretty sure she hasn’t just forgotten about the way you brutally ran down her only child like you did. I know I haven’t. You just ran it down like a…like a fucking rabbit or something! You sick fuck! That was a bear! That was a baby bear! That was a bearby, you bastard! Don’t you even care?! DO YOU! How could you?!?<br /><br />Ok, that’s your sad face; now show me your angry face! Very good! Now collapse and have a panic attack. Excellent!<br /><br />There are only three people left, that’s not an awful lot for a bear massacre. I’m assuming that this movie will culminate in a bear related massacre of some kind. If not, what am I even watching it for?<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCPkct4TDbv0mfiFEyXtPtTA6WrsuUMiBZBOY1wi852jpzEOrDOpFBA2QWFoEGXsyzn-FCY1LejVr8wSBmrUHnFzXo2sSLUBsXz9pn-3mTm6uU5Q9MRILQ5h9WSAGxDArYakgWAdrFocM8/s1600-h/0080.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCPkct4TDbv0mfiFEyXtPtTA6WrsuUMiBZBOY1wi852jpzEOrDOpFBA2QWFoEGXsyzn-FCY1LejVr8wSBmrUHnFzXo2sSLUBsXz9pn-3mTm6uU5Q9MRILQ5h9WSAGxDArYakgWAdrFocM8/s320/0080.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5206738100005835842" border="0" /></a><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;font-size:85%;" >The face of RAGE</span><br /></div><br />You gonna get grizzlie’d, mother fucker! That’s what you call it when someone gets bear’ed, specifically by a grizzly bear.<br /><br />What? If you see a bear, don’t look it in the eye, stand up straight and calmly walk backwards? If it charges you play dead? What the fuck is this? This is dangerous! This kind of misinformation could get people killed! If you see a bear the very first thing you do is yell: “Hey, cunt!”, this immediately establishes that you’re a hardass and you’ll beat the fuck out of anyone that looks at you wrong, bears respect that. Once you got the bears attention, you need to crouch down low, and make a lot of sudden erratic movements with your arms, waving them around with your palms out, pointed towards the bear. Try jumping up and down and jogging in place for short bursts at a time, all the while slowly creeping towards the bear. This behavior confuses and frightens bears. Once you’re in range, spit at it and start screaming in a high-pitched voice. Try to imitate an eagle, bears fear eagles. Once you’ve done this, the bear should be suitably freaked the fuck out and it should run away. If it charges you, try getting it in a rear naked choke, or kick it in the head until you cause a severe blood clot in it’s brain. I’ve gathered this information from the foremost experts in bear behavior and from personal experience. Trust me, I’m from Alaska, we know our bears.<br /><br />What the fuck does he have a tire iron for? Does he honestly think he can fend off a grizzly with a tire iron? Believe me, it doesn’t work, I’ve tried, and let me tell you, if it was anyone but me they would have got grizzlie’d all to fuck like you wouldn’t even believe.<br /><br />I also don’t understand why they didn’t all go off into the woods together. I mean, what’s the point of splitting up? Especially since these two people aren’t even doing anything. They’re just sitting there. They must be hoping the bear will fill itself up on their friend’s inside meats and leave them alone. Little do they know that a grizzly bear’s hunger for revenge can never be satisfied! Ever!<br /><br />Take my word for it, though; I’m something of an expert on fighting bears with melee weapons. I am an Alaskan after all, that’s kind of what we do. I’ve killed bears with bats, knives, machetes, pry bars, batons…uhh…a fork, once, a spork a few times, not like a taco bell spork, I mean quality titanium sporks…Oh! A ceramic lamp once, but that was a spur of the moment kind of thing when a bear smelled my jerky and broke into my house. I even jumped on one’s back once and elbowed it into severe bear retardation. Which I call Beartardation. Ever see a retarded bear? It’s hilarious!<br /><br />Dude: “Hello?”<br />Bear: “Yeah?”<br />Dude: “Holy shit!!”<br /><br />Oh, a dead chicken. That’s, uh, scary. Yeah, it really is…not! At all! Not scary at all! Nice try movie, but you’re gonna have to do better than that!<br /><br />Dude, you can’t just hide in the bushes from a bear! They almost have as good a sense of smell as Hugh Jackman. And not Wolverine, either, I mean actually Hugh Jackman.<br /><br />Ok, that guy got thrown through the air by that raging bears bear rage bear toss of bear death. I can totally relate. Course after it happened to me I didn’t lie down and pass out from blood loss like a sissy, I sporked that bears eyes out, then I ate it’s heart to gain it’s strength! Yeah, that’s what I did, alright!<br /><br />Yeah, bears can’t climb down sheer mountain walls. Way to use your common sense, buddy. Seriously, that was a smart move… What? What’re you looking at me for?<br /><br />I wonder who would win if Nick Cage in his bear power suit from The Wicker Man fought this bear? Hard to say, but I think Nick Cage’s skill and hand speed would win it for him, of course, the Raging Bears superior Stamina and Durability might enable him to wear Nick Cage down, leading to a late round Knock-out.<br /><br />Yeah, you’re being punished alright, for being a douche! HAHAH! I’m so funny.<br /><br />Now it’s like a bear version of Cujo. Holy shit! It’s like some kind of bear shaped battering ram of bear fury! That must be the toughest bear I’ve ever seen! I’d still kick its ass, though.<br /><br />Man, what a performance, the fury, the fear, the panic, the anguish, all perfectly conveyed. It’s so organic. This bear is a wonder, I tell ya! That’s a name to watch out for, he’s going places!<br /><br />These people honestly aren’t doing anything right. Why would they hide in their car? There’s a bear out there just aching to get it’s ass kicked. Go out and knee it in the face or something! Oh well, I guess these people aren’t from Alaska. If they were they would have automatically had to have fought at least one bear when they turned 13. If you refuse they float you out into the ocean on a block of ice.<br /><br />Here’s an idea. Your friend’s incapacitated right? Well, drag him out into the forest and offer him to the bear as a peace sacrifice. I know from experience that that’ll work. They prefer salmon, but people work fine, too.<br /><br />“I wanna go home, man”<br />Smother him!<br /><br />Good, he’s dead. Feed him to the bear and make your escape!<br /><br />Only two left. A guy and a lady. I like where this is heading.<br /><br />I predict a thrilling action packed bear filled finale of grizzly sized proportions!<br /><br />Damn you commercials! How dare you!<br /><br />I think someone’s about to get a big, cuddly bear paw shoved halfway up their ass, here in a second or two.<br /><br />Oh, I wanted to address something. Does it seem to anyone else that their jeep alternately works and doesn’t work depending on what the script requires? I’m not sure if this is true or not, just wondering, anyone else noticed that?<br /><br />Ha! She fell backwards onto a bear trap. It didn’t go off, it just stabbed her with all it’s teeth things. The very thing that could have saved your life condemns you to death! An object created for injuring bears, injures you! Ha! Irony is fun. Especially when it relates to bears.<br /><br />It’s eating their dead friend. Serves him right, killing bear cubs with reckless abandon the way he did. Just running it over like that, he might as well have gotten out and pissed on its corpse. Bastard.<br /><br />So, the new master plan is to lure it into the jeep, the blow the jeep up? Braziliant! Only one flaw. If the bear lives you’re gonna have a flaming rampaging grizzly on your hands. It’s like a normal grizzly but on fire! I know from experience. You don’t want a flaming grizzly on your hands.<br /><br />“Come on! Come get me you bitch!”<br />I don’t think calling it names is going to help, man. That shit is just rude. You already killed its child. How would you like it if a bear ran over YOUR baby? Actually, that’d be hilarious! Bear driving a car! Man, that’s gold!<br /><br />Aw, Dave, You were so close! Almost the whole movie with no shirtless men. You were almost there!<br /><br />Wait, he’s taking his pants off, too? What is this supposed to accomplish? Is he offering himself to be the bears love slave in penance for running over her baby? Hmm, might work. Thinking outside the box. I like that.<br /><br />Ok, now you’re in a tree and your clothes are on the ground, and the bear is on the ground eating your clothes? Did you foresee this? Is this how you thought it would go down? Is this your plan, here? Cus, I’m something of an expert on handling angry grizzly bears and I’ve never heard of this whole deal you’re doing. This is a new one for me, I’ll admit. Let’s just see how this plays out.<br /><br />Right! So, the master plan was to strip to your boxers, climb a tree, let the bear sniff your clothes, then fall out of the tree and start running away from the bear back to the cabin you were just at? Why didn’t you just stay in the tree? And why did you have to take your clothes off…?<br /><br />Girl: “Hey”<br />Bear: “Yeah, what up?”<br />Girl: “Come and get me!”<br />Bear: “Uhh…Ok.”<br /><br />Why would the bear be slowly creeping toward her? That’s the bitch that killed your kid! Maul her! She’s right there? What, is it beartarded or something?! Come on!<br /><br />Now that’s thinking! She trapped the bear in the cabin! Oh wait, looks like she forgot that the bears head is practically a bear head shaped battering ram. Know what battering rams do? Batter shit! Know what bears do? Batter shit and eat it! Know what’s gonna happen? The bears gonna batter the door down and eat you! That door is made out of wood, you douche bags!<br /><br />Well, you trapped the bear, you’re both still alive, the dude is almost completely naked and the girl miraculously still has all of her clothes on. What a horrible ending. The killers escape justice and the grieving mother is left to starve to death. What a downer.<br /><br />Hey, remember that thing I said about bears having battering rams for heads, well, guess what? I was right. I’m from Alaska, remember? So, yeah, anyway, the last two people got grizzlie’d hardcore, in the face! By that grizzly’s grizzly rage! And they died, too. Grizzly wins! justice is served! The End! Now it’s almost a perfectly happy ending. If only there was some female nudity…wait, the bear is technically naked…and a female…nice! What a satisfying twist!<br /><br />Hey, is it just me or does anyone else find bears a little, I don’t know…like, arousing or something? You know? Just, they’re so big and hairy and all. You know what I’m talking about, right? Right…?TheDamnedThinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09028583081894515922noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438679366506011848.post-66705692527260233462008-05-20T08:04:00.000-08:002008-05-31T18:44:55.733-08:00Black Christmas 06': Real Time ReviewBlack Christmas 06': Real Time Review<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Premise:</span> A yellow serial killer murders college age, hot, retards on Christmas.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0454082/">http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0454082/</a><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSKVknX5iOf13RlZr5lad4IMayEureCISAzjgHad4QYRQn6vXAI-hB9bk3vu9V0zIqQE3MyF0RlophMoYo7F6hKqwWYPIoB4WYzhJnNSCXwuMYHf05q3O5io7jItqXPFDCbQ3iou4AyG9h/s1600-h/blackxmaspic2big.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSKVknX5iOf13RlZr5lad4IMayEureCISAzjgHad4QYRQn6vXAI-hB9bk3vu9V0zIqQE3MyF0RlophMoYo7F6hKqwWYPIoB4WYzhJnNSCXwuMYHf05q3O5io7jItqXPFDCbQ3iou4AyG9h/s320/blackxmaspic2big.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5202492537953797074" border="0" /></a>Smoking is bad for you.<br /><br />Oh, coming soon to theaters, eh? Time to put my DVD player’s fast forward button into action!<br /><br />How many times do I have to say “I don’t fucking care” before these previews of upcoming feature films get the idea that I DON’T FUCKING CARE!!!!!?<br /><br />Wine, bright flashing lights, snow, plastic statues shaped like a fat man with a long beard wearing a red and white fur coat. It could only mean one thing…Orgy!!!!<br /><br />Oh shit! I think I’m supposed to be scared right now…I’m not. Hmm, something must be horribly wrong here.<br /><br />Oh no. Someone has just been murdered!<br /><br />“Tastes like chicken…cause it’s chicken. It’s the closest we could get to how mom used to taste” That line isn’t so much stupid as it is unbearably infuriating. I want to punch my dog in the face right now.<br /><br />I just punched my dog in the face. Not my fault. Blame the movie.<br /><br />So…wow. You’ve accomplished an amazing feat. You’ve effectively abolished the ambiguity and mystery that made Billy such an effective antagonist in the original film. Now we know he’s a crazy person with some suitably traumatic crazy person back story. How crazy? Apparently really crazy based on all the dialogue discussing just how crazy he is. Nicely done! Fuck! This movie is filling me with such an unholy rage…I need to hit something and my dog’s ran off….Be right back. Oh. And Billy has yellow skin, too. Why? I have no fucking clue.<br /><br />Oh, wow, cool! Some dude just got stabbed in the neck…with a candy cane! The first of what I can only hope will be a film-spanning series of gimmicky Christmas themed murders. Yay!<br /><br />Actually, it’s not really that unrealistic. I mean Billy’s got nothing else to do with his time but rock back and forth in his chair and practice whittling candy canes into lethal weapons. With enough practice, and the right technique I do believe it could be done.<br /><br />She can’t talk, she’s got a bag over her head.<br /><br />Way to get fucked up, bitch! Ha!<br /><br />Why is someone killing people in two different places. Logic dictates that there must be two different killers. Based on that fact I have deduced that Billy is actually a leprechaun. As everyone knows, Leprechauns have Multiple Man-esque self-multiplying abilities, and he’s killing different people at different places at the same time. That or there are two killers. I like the Multiple Homicidal Leprechaun theory more, though.<br /><br />Leprechauns are yellow, right? Or green. Yellow or green. I’m gonna say Yellow, otherwise my theory doesn’t really hold water.<br /><br />Oh…wow…Christmas decorations and traditions are all neo-pagan magic. Try to guess how much I don’t give a fuck!<br /><br />Flashback!<br /><br />Run little Billy, you little scamp you!<br /><br />I don’t give a fuck, I don’t give a fuck, I don’t give a fuck, I don’t give a fuck, I don’t give a fuck, I don’t give a fuck, I don’t give a…end of flashback<br /><br />Creepy voice. It’s creeping me out with it’s creepiness. Hmm, who could Agnes be? Oh I’m sure the answer to that question will be spoon-fed to me eventually.<br /><br />Creepy person. Could be one of the killers? Could be…I’m to busy not giving a fuck to think about it.<br /><br />Return of Flashback: This time it’s Personal!<br /><br />I predict this is going to end exceedingly not well for little Billy. That poor little monkey, I mean his mom isn’t hot at all, you know.<br /><br />Told you!<br /><br />Flashforward!<br /><br />Grown up yellow Billy likes the feel of a nice wooden post on his black leather gloves.<br /><br />“Why is Megan calling here?” Cause you suck! I hate you! Buffy was a good fucking show until the fifth season you filthy whore! It was all downhill from there, thanks to you!<br /><br />Oh, man. Almost fooled me. For a second I thought that was actually the killer there. It’s not though. It’s some dude. Whew, dodged a bullet there. My heart is beating so fast. Thrilling.<br /><br />“That was the devil!” How would you know what the Devil sounds like? Huh?! HUH!?<br /><br />I’ll Punk you…in the face! YEAH!<br /><br />Haha! I like this guy! They ARE spoiled bitches! This guy is so not uncool!<br /><br />Flashback part III: Flashbacker!<br /><br />He’s all yellow. Like nacho cheese. Like someone dyed his skin with nacho cheese. Like he sat in a tub full of nacho cheese for days until his skin adopted the color of the nacho cheese. Nacho cheese…<br /><br />Wow…you’re not a creepy whore at all are you? Naw, not even a little!<br /><br />Run adolescent Billy! She might make you have sex with her again!<br /><br />He’s stabbing a little girl in the face. Not only a little girl, his daughter/sister. And now he’s eating her eyeball! Aw man, he’s practically living my dream, I’m so jealous.<br /><br />Someone just got Pwnt! Sorry, been playing Counter-Strike a lot today.<br /><br />Her father Billy was also her Brother Billy? What?! Really?! You mean it?!!! Oh, wait. I already knew that.<br /><br />Flashforward!<br /><br />Ah! I get it now! Good Leprechauns are tiny and green, bad leprechauns are man sized and yellow. And if there ever was a bad Leprechaun it was Billy Leprechaun the baddest most meanest evil Leprechaun there ever was.<br /><br />Not much is happening now. Stuff. People are walking around. People are talking. Someone posted pictures of someone having sex? Someone is angry about that. Cool. Cool, cool.<br /><br />That guy is awesome!<br /><br />“Every other house on this street has power, but this one doesn’t” Excellent observation lady. Can these fucking retards put two and two together? Mysterious noises in the attic, unexplained disappearances, threatening phone calls, Unknown packages under the Christmas tree and now the power is cut. How about you all stop being a bunch of douche-cunts and either start making out with each other, or die. Either would be somewhat entertaining, at least. The former more so, I’d think, but I’m good either way.<br /><br />Aww, her boyfriend betrayed her. She’s sad. That’s a shame. So is anyone gonna take their clothes off? There was a shower scene earlier but you didn’t see shit. Come on! Someone has to! What the fuck am I watching this for?<br /><br />They had to have a severed head practically thrown at them to figure out something was amiss. Aren’t they supposed to be college students? Must be all the pot, and them being idiots probably contributes a tad bit as well.<br /><br />Why don’t you all grab a bunch of knives and sit in the fucking laundry room all night or something?<br /><br />Pretty sure an icicle wouldn’t have enough force, falling from maybe three feet in the air, to completely impale someone’s head. I don’t mean to nitpick, but even Bruce Willis couldn’t ram an icicle all the way through that guy’s head in Die Hard 2, and he was really trying.<br /><br />If Michelle Trachtenberg lives one second longer I’m going to punch her through the TV until she dies in real life. And I don’t care how long that takes!<br /><br />It’s about fucking time!<br /><br />Creepy yellow voiced phone demon keeps talking gibberish. If you want a family so much just have sex with your sister/daughter and have some more kids.<br /><br />Wow, dude, if he had sex with his sister/daughter that would be like twice as incestuous as normal incest. Then his kids would be his as well as his nieces/nephews. Then if he had sex with them those kids would be like…kids and grand kids and grand nieces/nephews? He could be a father, grandfather, uncle and great uncle all at once…mind boggling…and, also…strangely arousing.<br /><br />Agnes is slapping these chicks around like fruitcake! Wait, what the fuck does fruitcake have to do with anything?<br /><br />Oh, yeah, my Yellow, Insane, Duplicate Leprechaun Killer theory didn’t pan out. Agnes is the second killer. And Agnes is Billy’s Sister/Daughter because Billy’s Mom raped him when her lover fell asleep mid-fuck. Just wanted to make sure no one got lost, you know.<br /><br />I like how people keep getting stabbed in the head…that’s kind of cool.<br /><br />Aww, Father daughter/brother sister reunited after so many years apart. It’s a Christmas miracle!<br /><br />I still can’t figure out why they made him yellow. It’s not scary. Just reminds me of Bert from Sesame St. in live action. But then Bert always was a creepy little whack job. I could totally see him on a face stab-happy plastic bag head bashing eye ripping/eating rampage similar to the one taking place here if Ernie ever wasn’t around to keep him in line.<br /><br />I guess Bert, I mean Billy, got burned up or something. He ain’t dead though. His yellow skin must be super resilient. Like a crocodiles scales or something, Or maybe it’s his evil leprechaun black magic. Wait, so he is a leprechaun afterall? Shit!<br /><br />I wonder what’s up with Agnes’ eye fetish. Or her plastic bag fetish. Or her face stabbing fetish. Or her, “put a plastic bag over someone’s head and stab them in the eyes” fetish.<br /><br />I’m actually a little confused. How many people has Billy actually even killed in this movie?<br /><br />Agnes got electropaddled to death! With electropaddles…of death!<br /><br />It’s like the movie is reading my mind to find out what will piss me off the most, and then does it.<br /><br />Billy the Eye Feasting Nacho-Cheese Leprechaun is going nuts with this scalpel<br /><br />I like how this guy sees a crazy overall-wearing yellow skinned scalpel-mad nutfucker is trying to kill this chick, but he doesn’t try to help. It’s like he finds her as annoying as I do.<br /><br />She Judo tossed that yellow bastard’s ass right onto the pointy end of a Christmas tree! Damn straight!<br /><br />That movie fucking sucked! I mean, it fucking sucked a lot. Almost more than I thought it was possible for a movie to suck.<br /><br />I wonder if Mythbusters is on.TheDamnedThinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09028583081894515922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438679366506011848.post-72352197040750301492008-05-19T22:19:00.000-08:002008-05-31T18:47:58.523-08:00Burial Ground: Real Time Review<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Burial Ground: Real Time Review<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Premise:</span> Zombies, and shit like that.</p><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0081248/">http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0081248/</a><br /><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p>This dude’s the only one who knows the secret! Holy shit!<br /><br />And it’s incredible! INCREDIBLE!<br /><br />And it’s True, too! AAAGGHHH!!!<br /><br />Oh, shit! It’s a zombie! I bet this guy with a beard is really scared of these zombies. He sure looks scared, but they are zombies, who can blame him?<br /><br />Is that a midget clone of Dario Argento? Jesus Christ that thing freaks me out. I seriously almost tipped my chair backwards when I saw that. I was all like “WHA!”, which is how I express shock, like “what” minus the T and really loud.<br /><br />Oh, fuck, there it is again! It was watching it’s mother having sex, this fucking thing gets creepier and creepier.<br /><br />The zombies are back. Zombies wearing robes. Cooooooolll.<br /><br />Basically this thing looks like a midget version of an adult Dario Argento interbred with a 13 year old Frankie Muniz with eyes the size dinner plates and a voice that sounds as if a 40 year old man was being forced, at gunpoint, to imitate a 7 year old girl who was being forced, at knife point, to imitate a creepy looking midget that’s being forced, by threat of pummeling, to imitate a person.<br /><br />Light bulbs explode with unknown fury! Zombies that look as though they’re wearing painted burlap sacks wander around in bright green robes!<br /><br />These people sure do like making out.<br /><br />So that’s why their grass is so green.<br /><br />Lawn zombie wants a piece of that action. Ohhhh yeah…<br /><br />“It’s a walking corpse!” actually it’s a crawling corpse, stupid.<br /><br />I think it’s supposed to be a little kid…I need to vomit.<br /><br />Man: Who are you?!<br />Zombie: Zombie!<br />Man: What are you here for?!<br />Zombie: Zombie!<br />Man: Stay back or I’ll shoot!<br />Zombie: Zombie…?<br /><br />Toss ‘em the kid and run! You can have a new one!<br /><br />As a horde of zombies move in on a couple<br />Woman: “They’re coming toward us!”<br />Man: Fuuuck Yoouu!<br /><br />This zombie’s face seems to be frozen in a constant expression of shock, or at least the half that’s still there is.<br /><br />A door flies open to reveal…<br /><br />Holy shit, did that zombie throw a knife through that chicks hand? It did! It totally fucking did! That’s what I love about these 80’s euro zombie movies, the zombie’s are so skilled in so many areas: sprinting, acrobatics, swimming, knife throwing, street fighting. They’re also able to put various farming and landscaping tools to many interesting uses.<br /><br />Now they slowly cut her head off with a scythe. Nice<br /><br />“They can only be killed by blowing their heads off! (pumps shotgun and proceeds to blow zombie’s head off)” complete with sparks and flying brainmatter! What exactly is causing the sparks anyway?<br /><br />Haha, this guy ain’t fucking around. He’s just standing on a balcony shooting zombie after zombie in the face.<br /><br />The zombies are walking around and some chick is poking them with a big stick. That’s cool.<br /><br />Yep, zombies are a real pain in the ass. Maybe you should run away or something instead of standing around like you’ve been doing. Stupid assholes.<br /><br />This one chick is moaning every second she’s on screen. Moaning very sexily…I’m gonna go…brush my teeth real quick, Probably floss too.<br /><br />Oh my Christ! What a little freak! He just tried to finger his mom! The when she slapped him and starting crying in his disgusting forty-year-old-man-imitating-little-girl-imitating-midget-imitating-person-ect voice and ran off like a woman. Not only is he weirdo who wants to do his mom but he’s a crybaby, too.<br /><br />Freak boy is dead. His mom is sad. How could you actually be upset that that thing is dead?<br /><br />Oh, zombies bleed milk apparently. Who knew?<br /><br />Any way you cut it, Italian zombies are just way more resourceful than American zombies.<br /><br />“why?!”<br />Why NOT?<br /><br />The Professor tackled his butler and starting eating him. Eating him like bag of potato chips! That didn’t make a whole lot of sense. Sorry, I’ll try harder from now on.<br /><br />Man 1: “That’s Professor Ayres!”<br /><br />Man 2: “He’s a zombie, too, then!”<br /><br />Professor Ayres: Zombie?!<br /><br />Now they’re in a monastery filled with monks…ZOMBIE MONKS! 6 times more bloodthirsty and savage than 12% of most ordinary monks!<br /><br />James enters a room filled with monks with bowed heads. “Forgive me for disturbing your meditation” says James. A monk looks up to reveal… he is a zombie!!!! “I won’t!” Screams zombie monk. Zombie monk tackles James and bites out his trachea! “No! I need that to live!” Yells James, somehow.<br /><br />Are these the kinds of monks that know Kung Fu? Because that would really suck for these people. The zombie already know how to throw knives, use gardening implements as weapons and they were smart enough to find a huge log and use it to batter a door down, Kung Fu would just be too much.<br /><br />Punch it! Punch it! KICK IT!!!! KICK IT WITH YOUR FEET! DO IT! DO IT NOW!!!!!!<br /><br />Oh, god, now that sick little monkey’s a zombie, too.<br /><br />I like how these two people warn the kid’s mom that he’s zombie once then just stand there, watching expectantly.<br /><br />That’s why it’s a bad idea to breast feed zombies, they always end up getting over zealous.<br /><br />Well they put up a good chase, but in the end, always bet on black!…zombies. Always bet on zombies. Zombies always win is what I’m trying to say. I so fucked that up. My bad.<br /><br />Oh! It revealed a zombie.TheDamnedThinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09028583081894515922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438679366506011848.post-65765738962312618982008-05-19T07:38:00.000-08:002008-05-31T18:48:44.637-08:00Ice Spiders: Real Time Review<span style="font-weight: bold;">Ice Spiders: Real Time Review</span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Premise: </span>Patrick Muldoon must outfight, out-think and out-ski a group of escaped Ice Spiders that are threatening the livelihood of an entire resort community.<br /></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal"><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0840304/">http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0840304/</a><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">Ah, the Sci-Fi channel original. Future generations will look back upon it with the same reverence as we now do Hammer or Universal classics. The Sci-Fi Original will one day garner the recognition it so rightly deserves. Someday, Sci-Fi Channel original, someday.<br /><br />“What’s that?” It’s an Ice Spider, jackass. Wow, doesn’t even know what movie he’s in.<br /><br />The spider’s name must be Bob, too.<br /><br />You just got Ice Spidered, fuck hole!<br /><br />Ski Instructor: “No cell phone, no internet, no cable TV, just powder.”<br /><br />A team of Skiers are going up to a mountain resort to…snort coke apparently. I do not envy the staff of this resort. Nothing worse that a coke head on skis. Like skiers aren’t bad enough already.<br /><br />Ski Instructor: “It’s like a slice of pizza”<br /><br />Ski lady: “Pepperoni or sausage?”<br /><br />What a slut!<br /><br />Hey, cool, it’s Patrick Muldoon! Yeah! Patrick Muldoon!<br /><br />I never watched Melrose Place, I swear to Christ.<br /><br />“They’re checking in the Olympic dudes”<br /><br />“The Olympic dudes?”<br /><br />Yes, the Olympic dudes. Dudes of the Olympics. Olympian dudes that are Olympic in their dudness ect, ect.<br /><br />Dash Dashiell? Are you fucking serious? No, I mean, are you fucking serious? Honestly, there’s no way that anyone could ever possibly ever come up with that name without cutting all of their toes off immediately afterwards out of shame.<br /><br />I’ve come the to official conclusion that I want to stab Patrick Muldoon in the throat with a felt pen. Might take some doing to get it stuck in there but I’m game.<br /><br />“Looks like the rangers got a problem,” I’ll say! Fucking skiers all over the damn place. Oh, and Ice Spiders, too.<br /><br />“It’s on Grizzly flats, not like we’re gonna have to do any mountain climbing.” Flat = no mountains, get it?<br /><br />“Sometimes nature strikes back” Yeah, with lime green CGI spiders that weave Halloween decorations in the trees and nourish themselves with the coke fueled blood of skiers.<br /><br />Mutilated corpses! Blood everywhere! Severed limbs! Humans woven into web cocoons! All the classic tell tale signs of a Yeti attack! Fuckers must of swooped in and killed everyone before anyone knew what hit them.<br /><br />Yeah, it was just a short circuit. A short circuit caused by the ice…the ice SPIDERS, that is!<br /><br />Oh, god, no! He’s not in Yeti country is he?!<br /><br />Wow, he really takes technicians being eaten by Ice Spiders personally.<br /><br />Forest Ranger Rick and former world class skier Dash Dashiell, together for the first time… and…maybe the last…<br /><br />Ranger Rick: “What are they?”<br /><br />Patrick Muldoon: “Cocoons. Really big cocoons”<br /><br />Oh? Really? Well I think they’re really SMALL cocoons! What now?!<br /><br />Ranger Rick! NO! It’s eating his face off?! His beautiful face! Why Ranger Rick?! WHY?!<br /><br />Run Patrick Muldoon! Run! Why doesn’t he have his skis goddamnit?! If he dies, too I don’t know what I might do.<br /><br />Ok, ok! I watched a few times but I was really young and my mom made me, back when it was on before Alley McBeal.<br /><br />Why is this guy only wearing a vest? That just seems impractical for a snowy climate, not to mention one inhabited by Man sized fluorescent spiders.<br /><br />“Run! They’re killing everyone!” I believe you mean to say that they’re Ice Spidering everyone. Yes, I’m quite positive that that is the correct terminology.<br /><br />That mother fucker just got Ice Spidered! Ice Spidered to fuck! Yeah! Now THAT guy got Ice Spidered! Even worse than the first guy! People are getting Ice Spidered left and right! Oh shit! That guy just got the shit Ice Spidered out of him! Now this bitch is getting Ice Spidered, too! This is so damn cool! Go Ice Spiders! Ice Spider those mother fuckers!!!<br /><br />Aw shit! Now that Ice Spider just got Ski Poled!<br /><br />“I wonder if Dash made it?”<br /><br />He’s Dash. He always makes it.<br /><br />“What are they?”<br /><br />“Giant spiders, what do they look like?”<br /><br />Like your face! That’s right, I said that shit! What?!<br /><br />That was easily the most brutal display of Ice Spidering I’ve ever seen. Three people got Ice Spidered in the span of about 5 seconds. That Ice Spider is one efficient Ice Spidering machine I’ll tell ya that much.<br /><br />Snowboarder: “The phones dead, This is totally not cool!”<br /><br />What? The fact that you’re stranded at a mountain resort with skittle colored genetically enhanced giant snow spiders that have just slaughtered a dozen or so people or were you referring to the actual temperature of the telephone receiver?<br /><br />Ice Spiders- a sh!tload: Skiers-0<br /><br />All the rangers are out sick? Sick with…Ice Spider fever?! Or no?<br /><br />Oh, he was in the marines for twelve years? Was that with the SSAF?<br /><br />“If we wanna survive this, we have to Ice Spider those fucks before they can Ice Spider us! That’s the first thing they teach you in the marines.”<br /><br />Growing Ginormic spiders for their silk, got too big, escaped, Ice Spidered a bunch of Skiers. Throw in some Patrick Muldoon and thrilling ski antics and that’s about the story so far.<br /><br />Patrick Muldoon: “Well, our day just keeps getting better and better, doesn’t it?”<br /><br />I think you keep getting better and better…at being a douche!<br /><br />Ski girl: “He’s having a seizure! What do we do?”<br /><br />Ski guy: “Stick something between his teeth!”<br /><br />Ski Instructor: “No! What you gotta do is keep him from hitting his head, roll him on his side incase he vomits”<br /><br />Me: “No! pull his ski cap over his face and punch him in the trachea! I saw it on Discovery Health!”<br /><br />Axe wielding, ski-mad Patrick Muldoon VS bright green CG Ravenous Ice Spider<br /><br />Patrick Muldoon just stabbed an Ice Spider to death with a pair of deer antlers, afterwards he turned to Vanessa Williams and uttered the line “Hey doc, nice rack.” Yeah, he said that. I swear to Christ. I may be me, but even I could never ever make that up. I’m just not that awesome.<br /><br />Patrick Muldoon is gonna distract the spiders, or lead them to a trap. I’m not sure, wasn’t really paying attention.<br /><br />It all comes down to this. A showdown between Ski Beast Patrick Muldoon and three ravenous rainbow spiders. Ski, Patrick Muldoon! Ski like no one has ever skied before!<br /><br />It worked beautifully! The Ice Spiders are safely in captivity.<br /><br />That’s right Muldoon! Don’t you take shit from the government Blow those filthy spiders away with that cannon you have for some reason!<br /><br />An evil scientist destroyed by his very creation! The last of the Ice Spiders cut down in a hail of gunfire! A government cover-up! Patrick Muldoon! It’s all just too much!<br /><br />He’s proven that even in the twilight of his career, he still has what it takes to out ski a bunch of giant spiders. Good for him.<br /></p><br /><p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></p>TheDamnedThinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09028583081894515922noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3438679366506011848.post-90344351360952818222008-05-19T05:40:00.001-08:002008-05-21T11:18:06.567-08:00Savage Planet: Real Time Review<span style="font-weight: bold;">Savage Planet: Real Time Review<br /><br />Premise:</span> Sean Patrick Flannery fights rampaging grizzly bears on an alien planet...IN SPACE!<br /><br /><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0790746/">http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0790746/</a><br /><br /><br />Apparently this alien planet has better oxygen than earth. Probably because of all those trees. I'm no airologist or anything, but I think trees help with the, you know, oxygenization, or whatever. <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Wow, you better watch where you're swinging that machete, something bad might - Oh! Shit…I told you.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">What's with the dirty look? It's just your hand, it was an accident.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">This machete crazed astronaut got a little overzealous in her personal battle against the vegetation that was attempting to impede her forward motion and accidentally cut her leader's hand off. He then fell into a pit where his stump came into contact with a green viscous fluid that resembles …a green viscous fluid, I guess, then it grew back, but now entirely made out of CGI! What wonders this new planet holds! Oh, but then he was eaten by a bear. A…SPACE BEAR!</p><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-5ISq83cW6g08m4dz9A0-ZNhlsvzU23QXtw00TarznFjpKNFWE0BLbDCuifySeMd8GX0nczmGXlISQmkwvh7CdwbOLRKlxlfg4QuqQJKN2h9UfjqopbsM09c_z7csckiHFWw19925ht9E/s1600-h/vlcsnap-1147319.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-5ISq83cW6g08m4dz9A0-ZNhlsvzU23QXtw00TarznFjpKNFWE0BLbDCuifySeMd8GX0nczmGXlISQmkwvh7CdwbOLRKlxlfg4QuqQJKN2h9UfjqopbsM09c_z7csckiHFWw19925ht9E/s320/vlcsnap-1147319.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5202084365736821650" border="0" /></a><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size:85%;">He dared to invoke their wrath...</span></span><br /></div><p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">It looks like they ran out of money for the special effects budget and used silly putty in an attempt to simulate scar tissue.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Apparently in the future entire cities are computer generates and battery powered nerf guns are now our preferred armaments.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">"I just hope we get to kick some ass, cause I wanna have some fun"<br />Oh, there'll be plenty of fun to be had. If you find being mauled by radioactive (presumably) space bears to be fun. Which most people wouldn't.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Exposition! Most works of fiction would make little sense without it. Guess what, I don't care! This movie is about Alien grizzly bears on another planet for fuck's sake.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">"Sensors indicate nothing dangerous"<br />I guess the programmers for those sensors forgot to categorize giant bat-fuck crazy, blood hungry alien space bears under "dangerous".</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">"I would think that the biggest thing we're going to run into is probably rabbits.<br />Yeah, Rabbits the exact same size and biological make up of bears. So, not rabbits at all, really. Honestly, though, if I was going to an alien planet and was told we might encounter rabbits, I would not be encouraged . . .Alien fucking rabbits, man. Not cool.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Earth is running out of oxygen, alien planet has a shitload of oxygen to spare, experimental teleportation device, space bears, human drama ect,. Ect, It's all quite captivating.</p>The last member of their team comes through the teleporter and promptly starts suffering horrifically violent teleportation induced paroxysms and leaking obscene amounts of blood from all of his orifices, then he falls down, a twisted and mangled fragment of the human being he once was. During this violent episode, one of the team members chimes in with: "There's a blip in the teleporter device!" Understatement of the move award goes to: whoever the fuck just said that. <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">"Help me straighten him out!"<br />The man's become a human pretzel, straighten him out all you want, it's not going to make him any less dead.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">"His torso structure is gone, it's gone!"<br />"What do you mean gone?"<br />"Just didn't make it through"<br />I guess the janitors working the teleportation-device room back on earth are going to have a fun surprise waiting for them.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">They're stranded on planet Bear, they can't teleport back, and there are space bears trying to eat them to death.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">"This place is pretty much paradise"<br />Holy SHIT! He did not just fucking say that! This is just too good to be true! Alright, give me a second here, let me savor it…</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Ahem *<strong>Clears throat</strong>*</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Paradise? More like . . .BEARADISE! AGGHHH YA YA YA YA YA!!!! YES!</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">"So how does an extinct bear come to get on this planet"<br />Thanks, Sean Patrick Flannery, I was just about to ask that.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">"Somehow it's DNA sequence regressed"<br />That doesn't really answer the question. You see, no earth-bound species could be on an alien planet 20 million light-years away from earth that man has never come into contact with before. So…ok, then.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Space Bears Attack!</p><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6UIYb6ogsZ0HxpXiLLMP_54KRzawXV4W-6C5F_3dq_b8uSQSHwIc0kxjEjyYoZBdpatT8xBYJ6AViflPG7ESy53PCu2Z3_sw27bnMxqJfO8sHEIZzdgcAzBFMkvjT4-2AtaDdyqnuxN5d/s1600-h/vlcsnap-1147014.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6UIYb6ogsZ0HxpXiLLMP_54KRzawXV4W-6C5F_3dq_b8uSQSHwIc0kxjEjyYoZBdpatT8xBYJ6AViflPG7ESy53PCu2Z3_sw27bnMxqJfO8sHEIZzdgcAzBFMkvjT4-2AtaDdyqnuxN5d/s320/vlcsnap-1147014.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5202085057226556338" border="0" /></a><p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Space Bears Untack!</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Human drama rears its ugly head once more. Greedy businessman with ulterior motives, budding romantic interests between two of the lead characters, conflicts within the group. Seriously, dude, get to the fucking Space Bears.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Watch your shit, lady! Space Bears are on the prowl!</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Bitch, you ain't killin no Space Bear with no 9 millimeter. Hahaha! I mock your piteous attempts at self-preservation!</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">There's a seismic shift! The planets gonna fucking esplode, yo!<br />The whole planet! Seriously?! No fucking way!<br />Yeah, dude, the whole goddamn planet!<br />You've gotta be fucking kidding me!<br />I'm for seriously, man. The planets gonna fucking fulminate similarly to that dudes head in Scanners!<br />Holy shit, Scanners, I love that flick.<br />It's decent, but certainly not Cronenberg's best.<br />Yeah, but Michael Ironside was fucking creepy in it.<br />You ain't lyin!<br />Wait, Space Bears!<br />What, where!?</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">That bear might as well have just raped that dude. Seriously, that's how hard he just got owned by that bear. That bears claws might as well have been giant fury dicks with razor sharp talons attached to the tips. Man, I just creeped myself out.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">These bears are weak. They just stand there making scary faces, letting themselves get shot. Way to disgrace the title of<span style=""> </span> "space bear" you space bears in name only bears.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Ok, what's happening? Planets exploding, abundant space bears, traitorous corporate fat-cat. Am I missing anything? Probably, but I don't care.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">There're fish? Alien fish? Aww shit, things just keep getting worse and worse.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Now the planets exploding more! DAMN!</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Redundancy: Telling someone not to look down after twice telling them to look up. If I were there I would look down just out of spite.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Wow, they just pretty blatantly allowed that Space Bear to drag off their teammate into the forest and eat her. Apparently it was "too late" even though it had only bitten her leg and she was still alive and presumably only about 9 feet away.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p>"They're bears, damnit!"<br />Not JUST bears. Apparently they're mutated, super smart, prehistoric space bears. Get your facts straight, douche.<br /><p class="MsoNormal">Ha! They ripped her in half and buried her alive! That's what I like to see from my Space Bears!</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">He's got a stick and a knife, what he needs to do is attach the knife to the stick, then climb a tree and just poke at the bears as they approach. I remember this one time I was cornered by a pack of Kodiak bears down in Juneau, I did the exact same thing and was able to hold them off until a group of back-packers came by, then I stabbed them in the ankles and made my escape while the bears were feasting upon their viscera. You gotta be resourceful like that living in Alaska.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Shoot that bear! Shoot it full of holes you bearicidal madman, you!</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">So, they're on the exploding planet, bursting at the seems with Space Bears, and now they're trying to teleport off somehow, but that corporate fat-cat stole the circuit board, I think. So they can't leave. And they were actually there in the first place to do something that they didn't think that they were there to do in the first place, so they're all pissed and stuff about that.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">You goddamn fat-cat! I can't wait to see this guy get Space Bear'ed.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Yes! That fat-cat got Space Bear'ed all to fuck and it was everything I dreamt it would be!</p><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBDBi_INqllCVySf_tDdZo9GwICv_sapwlBtfxHyS2BnU83LNqNMbdjTv78ttHP8BB83v-E1mf-QHPV4g2iIJZgCvgQJKsj0Yl2Eo6XfyIqp31t_XudfJrJdrfVL1Hcqlg3S2jGAALNGxE/s1600-h/vlcsnap-1205718.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBDBi_INqllCVySf_tDdZo9GwICv_sapwlBtfxHyS2BnU83LNqNMbdjTv78ttHP8BB83v-E1mf-QHPV4g2iIJZgCvgQJKsj0Yl2Eo6XfyIqp31t_XudfJrJdrfVL1Hcqlg3S2jGAALNGxE/s320/vlcsnap-1205718.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5202084052204209026" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFhKRZ0GBRk2LFMUgU61kfHhgldxIsuIcfTW3VeiaQbNRCAynq_lO3BLwpucOMVEK01gvbcds9DKkSXzHQbrBm5he-ZC3IyTaOG4U2XD3kdQt87aGQe0lmmEmyrXLE8GlTd7aqVE_sWqUC/s1600-h/vlcsnap-1206311.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFhKRZ0GBRk2LFMUgU61kfHhgldxIsuIcfTW3VeiaQbNRCAynq_lO3BLwpucOMVEK01gvbcds9DKkSXzHQbrBm5he-ZC3IyTaOG4U2XD3kdQt87aGQe0lmmEmyrXLE8GlTd7aqVE_sWqUC/s320/vlcsnap-1206311.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5202083781621269362" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Yeah, that's pretty much what it's like to get Space Bear'ed</span></span><br /></div><p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">That Space Bear just ripped off Sean Patrick Flannery's foot! Pretty incredible, seeing as Sean Patrick Flannery's skin and bones are at least 14 times stronger than a mortal man's</p><p class="MsoNormal"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRFsnnjnPaIM1dr32ksQGr3gkFHiXUZLMWQ5JT82eExZgsHNWrvVHd1uJc5gpqZM-HraEKqWR2IT5ubhxDdloW-BpvJ2YYbO_Ehfu20nrL5H2bARVJOUX3ZzkgwjwQLl03TEZd7_ZqAUgZ/s1600-h/vlcsnap-1207543.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRFsnnjnPaIM1dr32ksQGr3gkFHiXUZLMWQ5JT82eExZgsHNWrvVHd1uJc5gpqZM-HraEKqWR2IT5ubhxDdloW-BpvJ2YYbO_Ehfu20nrL5H2bARVJOUX3ZzkgwjwQLl03TEZd7_ZqAUgZ/s320/vlcsnap-1207543.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5202084760873812898" border="0" /></a></p><p class="MsoNormal"></p><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRFsnnjnPaIM1dr32ksQGr3gkFHiXUZLMWQ5JT82eExZgsHNWrvVHd1uJc5gpqZM-HraEKqWR2IT5ubhxDdloW-BpvJ2YYbO_Ehfu20nrL5H2bARVJOUX3ZzkgwjwQLl03TEZd7_ZqAUgZ/s1600-h/vlcsnap-1207543.png"></a><p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Yay! That green goo re-grew Sean Patrick Flannery's foot. Good for him! The green goo is the key to the survival of earth, they escaped bear-planet alive, and they're in love and rich and all kinds of happy shit. What a fantastic ending. I wonder if my porn's done downloading.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p>TheDamnedThinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09028583081894515922noreply@blogger.com0