Sharks in Venice: Real Time Review

Sharks in Venice: Real Time Review

Premise: (See title)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1087474/


Nu Image. The world of cinema wouldn't be the same without these intrepid pioneers. Where would we be without their groundbreaking work in the field of Giant CGI Sharks Killing people movies? You know where? The fucking dark ages! Shark Attack 1, Shark Attack 2 the legendary Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, the film which jump-started the acting career of now super-star John Barrowman. Shark Zone. Raging Sharks. Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy! That's right motherfuckers, you better recognize the pedigree. These aren't some fucking amateurs. No, these guys know what's up when it comes to making movies about sharks attacking people in a frenzy in zones and whatever. And not just sharks either, friends: Crocodiles, Krakens, Ocotopi, Mansquitos! Snakes, mega and otherwise. You name it and these magnificent sons of bitches have made a movie about a giant and/or mutant CGI version of it wreaking havoc. When you watch a Nu Image killer animal/monster/alien flick, you better be prepared for something special.

Instant boner.

I'm diggin the aviators. Those Venetians have really got their accessorizing down to an art.

I'm no Italianologist or anything, so I can't really say with any conviction. For some reason, though, it sounded like that guy was just saying random, vaguely Italian sounding words in an attempt to sound as though he were an actual Italian person. I'm probably wrong, just an observation.

"This is the Andrea Doria. She is another "unsinkable" ship that went down in 1956. Sits in a depth of 250 feet in a place that, trust me, most of you would not want to be"
George Castanza would not approve.

This guy just got academically owned by Stephen fucking Baldwin. That must make him, like, ultra-tarded or something.

Is it wrong that Stephen is my favorite Baldwin? Because he is.

OK! Plot. plot time. Let me give you the rundown: Stephen fuckin Baldwin(!). Sharks. Venice. Figure it out.

Stephen Baldwin: "No."
Nnnooo...what...?

Boat accident? Propeller?! Come on! Don't spin me that old sham story, fat-cat. This was no boat accident! Though I won't yet rule out coral reef or Jack the Ripper.

I've seen enough fantasy shark attacks to know one when I see one. How many? Multiply every shark attack from every Jaws movie by 76. Yeah, I think it's fair to say I'm a bit of an expert when it comes to fake shark attacks, and I'm telling you...you've got a fake killer shark in Venice. So I would advise you get your all gondoliers to start taping fillet knives to the ends of their boat pushing sticks, because if I know fake killer sharks the way I think I do (and I do) then this fucker is only getting started.

Stephen Baldwin's father! Murdered by sharks! Knights! A Suitcase?

Alright, a bunch of blood-crazy knights killed a bunch of other un-crazy knights and stole their shit, then came to Venice and sank or something and the treasure was lost under water forever. Well forever just got a whole fuck of a lot shorter, because Stephen Baldwin is on the case.

This would be a lot cooler of the knights were actually fighting sharks. Underwater.

Just imagine one of them is a shark and they're underwater.

"It sounds like some kind of wishful fantasy"
Lady, I don't know what Italians fantasize about, but I've never had a fantasy about a bunch of knights stabbing each other with swords and stealing a priceless artifact. Except if all the knights were hot ladies and their swords were shaped like penises and the priceless artifact was a bunt-cake made to look like a green pumpkin. Then I have. But that's not what we're talking about here, now is it?

Stephen "fuckin" Baldwin: She's...really smart.
I guess opposites attract, huh Baldwin? Hahahaha! I'm just joshin ya. You rock, Baldwin. You rock my world.

This movie is going to be worth the price of the rental just for the inevitable underwater wrestling match between Stephen Baldwin and a great white shark.

Stephen Baldwin traversed an Indiana Jones style cavern filled with poorly timed booby traps to find a bunch of treasure. He then fist fought a great white shark and woke up in a hospital bed. The entire time between him beating the fuck out of the shark and waking up in the hospital was skipped over, so I'm forced to allow my imagination to fill in the blanks. I'm assuming he killed the shark, swam to shore, banged his girlfriend then went to a bar and told everyone about how he killed a shark with his bare hands, and which point everyone bought him drinks for being so badass and he mainlined Italian hard liquor for 27 hours before he passed out from rocking too hard. He was then taken to the hospital so they could harvest some of his blood to use in experiments to create Captain America-esque super-soldiers.

Some Italian mobsters are trying to coerce Baldwin into going back underwater for them. Presumably for a big-money rematch with the shark whose ass he kicked. Silly bastards, even if the shark had the balls to fight Stephen Baldwin again, it couldn't, because it’s fucking dead! Though I'm sure a shit-ton of people would still pay to see Stephen Baldwin punching the corpse of a great white shark underwater. I would.

Drunk Italian Chick: "No! You're trying to get me drunk!"
Trying?

Holy fucking fuck! Give me a second here, I just accidentally inhaled a spoonful of cereal into my lungs....oh...god. My sinuses are filled with milk and tiny bits of dried strawberry...Jesus. Wow. That was. I don't even know what to do but just list adjectives: wonderful, astounding, awe-inspiring. I can't find the right word to describe it. Thesaurus.com is really letting me down - http://thesaurus.reference.com/browse/totally%20fucking%20awesome - I just don't know how to properly convey to you what I have just seen, no, experienced. I'll just try to take it step by step. A dude and a lady are standing on a street in Venice next to a canal. They're drinking, which may account for why the girl seems to be speaking with a Russian accent. All of a sudden a giant CGI shark leaps out of the canal in a cloud of CGI water. Leaps like a goddamn jellyfish with a rocket strapped to it's dick! Snatches the mother fucker right off of the street and continues to fly into the air, hapless drunken Italian dangling half-way out of it's mouth, screaming like an effeminate black metal vocalist trying to imitate a condor. All rendered in the most pathetically fantastic CGI I've seen since the transformation scene in Dark Wolf. I'm talking N64 graphics. Yeah, that crappy/bitchin. Man, when the shark grabs him there's a sound like if an elephant stepped on an ostrich egg that was filled with jello molds of an orangutans cock. Jesus. I don't know how Stephen Baldwin keeps picking winners like this. It's incredible. He needs to give his agent a raise. That was, like, nine times cooler than the coolest thing I could ever think of, which would probably be... a werewolf boxing a unicorn. Imagine how cool that would be...times fucking nine - Your mind has officially just been raped.

There's a shark in there somewhere.

I can't even imagine what must be going through his head.

Before I started this movie, I had a thought. That thought was: "Man, I sure hope there's a scene in which a shark jumps out of a canal and to snatch a bystander off of the street." Guess what - There was. Strangely enough, this movie, no matter how bad it sucks, is consistently living up to and exceeding my expectations. I keep joking about things I'd like to see happen, never thinking that they actually will, and then they fucking do! Is this some kind of mystical, enchanted DVD that's reading my mind and projecting my deepest desires onto the screen? Given the gratuitous lack of a cinnamon colored big-foot humping an Asian nun while Metallica’s Harvester of Sorrow plays in the background I’m forced to assume no. It’s still pretty rad, though.

Stephen Baldwin's lady companion has been kidnapped by the Italian version of the mafia's elite team of ninja Hench-men. I’m not sure if they were ninjas or not, but they were dressed all in black and they kicked Baldwin’s ass, so they must have been.

I bet the master-mind behind the design for those gondolas never thought they'd need to be sturdy enough to survive a shark dive bomb. That's what happens when you lack foresight. You get people eaten by sharks. If he used walnut instead of mahogany that never would have happened.

Thrilling foot chase/shoot-out/chainsaw fight/beating. Dude's got a chainsaw and you choose to combat that with wood? Wood? You do know chainsaws were made to saw through wood, with a chain, right? That's their entire function and purpose. Oh well, no one ever said smarts were Stephen Baldwin's strong point.

What? He actually defeated a chainsaw with a wooden chair? That is one sturdy fucking chair. I guess it's true what they say about Venetian chair makers -- they're always ready to fight off a man with a chainsaw. I heard that somewhere, I think maybe when I was in Mexico back in 99’.

I don't know if this is showcasing how badass Stephen Baldwin is or how inept the Venice police force is. Maybe a bit of both.

Maybe it's just because it's 4:37 in the morning, but I'm kind of feeling like I would maybe enjoy it if this movie would end kind of soon.

Wouldn't it be awesome to make a quesadilla out of burritos? Yes. But it would be more awesome to eat it. Sorry, I just ate a burrito, my mind isn't in the right place.

+
= YUM

Holy shit. This Italian mobster put a bunch of baby great whites into the Venice canals so they would grow up to be his "watch dogs". His shark watch dogs. His watch sharks. I can't believe no one in Venice has figured that out in real life yet.

Stephen Baldwin. Forced to dive against his will into shark infested waters to retrieve a bunch of lost treasure from a cavern under Venice for a shark-happy crime lord. Stephen Baldwin, with an exploding-harpoon gun. Underwater with sharks.

And a claymore!

Stephen Baldwin just shot a great white with an aqua-missile.

This dude sent Baldwin and two of his lackeys underwater to get the treasure. One was killed by a shark (The lucky one), the other by Stephen Baldwin. To remedy the situation he decides to send MORE henchmen to swim through an army of sharks and then try to find and kill Stephen Baldwin. Somehow he's surprised when they die too.

"What the fuck happened?!"
Maybe all those fucking sharks you set free underwater are, I don't know? Fucking killing people or something? Sharks eat people every once and a while, actually. Yeah. Who knew?

These mafia henchmen must be remarkably well paid to jump into what basically amounts to an underwater maze filled to the brim with man-hungry sharks at the whims of their boss like this. Not even one of them has protested at all. No: "What? There’s sharks down there! Are you fucking crazy?" or “If you like sharks so much, you go get eaten by them”. When you think about it, they've got roughly a 50/50 chance of making it to the cavern, and a 40/60 chance of making it back; meaning the overall likelihood of death is like 118%. Can't argue with the numbers.

Hey hey! The Venetian SWAT team are engaging the mafia death squad in a thrilling gun battle. This would be better if the sharks were involved somehow. Like everyone is underwater shooting at each other with the sharks devouring everything in sight.

Just imagine they're underwater and there's sharks.

Nu Image - revealing the dark side of Discovery Channel stock footage since 1999.

That was actually a pretty decent shoot-out, for a Nu Image killer shark flick.

"I know, Captain, there are no sharks in Venice."
But, dude, there totally are sharks in Venice. That's the plot and title of the movie.

Exhibit A. That's Venice in the background FYI.

Elves: Real Time Review

Elves: Real Time Review

Premise: Nazis plot to take over the world by harnessing the power of a wacky little two-foot stabbing machine of an elf that's probably escaped from a Super Max Asylum in the north poll after he was put there for raping Donner and massacring Santa's workshop with a set of hand-made steak knives. Only Dan Haggerty (aka Grizzly Adams) stands in the way of the Elfegeddon.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099496/


I've initiated a new rule for RTR-ing which states that before the beginning of every movie I must make a sandwich to be consumed during the duration of the review. So, even if this movie is like torture, I still have this badass sandwich I just made. Worst comes to worst the film strips my sanity away, and the sandwich restores it
.

Hey, check it out. Know what that is? Yeah you do! Hey, guess what? Know who's not gonna eat it? Yeah, you know that to!

"Get over it Amy!"

Yeah, Amy, you fuckin bitch!

Some stupid teenage girls are pulling some backyard “The Craft” female empowerment type BS, but also with a strong anti-Christmas subtext. They call themselves the sisters of Anti-Christmas, not terribly subtle for a group of anti-Christmas terrorists/witches. Might I suggest The Female Siblings of No More Santa-day?

"We're girls, the master-race, we can control everything and everyone."

These chicks are simultaneously plotting to take over the world, and destroy Christmas. They’re like if The Grinch had a baby with Blofeld.

"Oh, no isn't this your grandfather's book

“Yeah, he also told me never to come out here”

“Oh, royal bust if he finds out”

What exactly does a royal bust entail? Spankings?

Somehow one of these girls cut herself on a glass bowl and I guess her blood reacted with the soil to reanimated some kind of slimy green monster arm.

This chick goes home and slyly replaces her old German grandfather's book back on its shelf, unaware that he is sneakily wheeling his crippled ass up to her from behind. When she turns around he slaps her one right to the kisser, then once more. The first for stealing his book, the second because he assumed she was going to lie about why she stole his book. Proving that just because he can't walk, doesn't mean he can't still show the bitches who the alpha dog is.

"How dare you maybe lie to me in the future!"

So we have a teenage manic depressive girl, a physically abusive old cripple who delights in handing out pre-emptive bitch-slaps, a mentally and emotionally abusive middle aged woman and a seven year old kid that swears like a sailor with Coprolalia and enjoys watching his sister in the shower so much that he's either remarkably heterosexual and doesn’t give a shit who the girl is as long as she’s naked, or is extremely gay and trying to compensate, all living in a house together. And there's also a cat. And a killer elf. Can you just imagine the possibilities? I can’t, which is why I must keep watching.

The elf silently creeps through the house in the dead of the night, prowling around like a tiny little olive green ninja on a mission to straddle sleeping young boys and breath in their faces until they wake up and begin to scream. Insidious.

"It was a fucking little midget troll!"

This kid reminds me so much of me when I was that age, except for the whole watching his sister in the shower thing. I didn't have a sister, unfortunately. If I had, no doubt I would have watched the shit out of her in the shower. Unless she was ugly.

Look at this guys beard, who the fuck does he think he is, Grizzly Adams? Oh, wait...

Evil Mom just stuffed the cat into a pillow case and...

"Santa said, Oral"

Hygiene, or….

This Santa's a total dick-sack.

"Oh, you want a present do ya? You want a present from Santa? Fuck you! There's your fucking present!"

Now she's drowning it in the toilet. Someone's getting into the spirit of Christmas! Cat drowning’s been a tradition in my family since the 1890’s. Something about how a cat once drank all of Santa’s milk or something. The jist is, Santa hates cats.

Crazy elf just stabbed a coke-head Santa impersonator in the dick about 18 times in a row until he died from sever crotchial hemorrhaging.

"I don't give a shit if I told that elf I'd share my coke with him, he can get his own. Not like he'll ever find out..."

"Why hey there Mr. Scrotum, my name is Mr. Elf. I'd like to introduce you to a very good friend of mine. His name is Mr. Knife..."

I don't understand these POV shots, they're presumably supposed to be from the Elf's perspective, but they're moving around right out in the open. I think someone would notice something that looks like Warwick Davis' deformed brother running around with a kitchen knife.

"He was a pervert and a drug addict and someone killed him, isn't that the spirit of Christmas?" Stabbing coke-fiends dressed as Santa in the wiener till they bleed to death the spirit of Christmas? Not as accepted by most of mainstream society, but December would be much more interesting if it was. Christmas, the season of giving...coke heads forced castrations!

Basic round up the plot so far: teenage girl lives with abusive grandpa, cat-murdering mother and foul mouthed tit crazy kid brother while a stab happy, cock hating evil elf runs around and wreaks havoc upon the wangs of those who impersonate Santa to support their cocaine habits after being somehow inadvertently summoned from the depths of three feet under-ground. Meanwhile, life shits on Grizzly Adams as he loses his job and gets kicked out of his trailer, but at least he still has his one and oldest friend -- tobacco.

On the plus side, Grizzly Adams found a job (as Santa, basically Grizzly Adams, only he gives away free shit instead of running around fighting Grizzly bears for money, or whatever the fuck it is Grizzly Adams does) on the minus side, his job involves risk of cock-stabbing and getting pissed on by little kids.

"When there is no more room in hell...the elves will walk the earth"

Why does that line sound familiar...?

Holy shit, is gramps a Nazi?!

I just can't figure it out. What is the connection between grandpa, the elf, and the nazi party? What does it all mean?!

Isn't elves plural for elf? Plural meaning more than one? Well, so far, I've only seen the one elf. Math was never my strong suit, so let me double check this equation: 1 + 0 = (thinking...thinking...) One…?

Ok, I made myself another sandwich and I'm ready to rock this bitch!

*Revealing tits* "What do you think?"

Eh, maybe if you took the bra off I'd be able to render a proper verdict, but until then, I'm going to go with...take the fucking bra off!

Don't you “SHH” Grizzly Adams! Didn't you know that living amongst the grizzlies instilled in him an unholy hunger for human meat!? He'll eat you, bitch! Run!

Is Santa Adams living in the fucking mall? Well, maybe if he didn't smoke 18 packs a day he'd still have enough money to keep renting his trailer.

I think there are some dudes trying to kidnap roller-nazi's granddaughter (Kirsten) to use in some kind of plot to create an evil nazi-elf army to take over the world in the name of Hitler. It’s really the only thing that makes logical sense to me at this point. And the fact that that, of all things, makes logical sense to me right now is a testament to the power of this film.

The last 8 minutes have been occupied by a remarkably ineptly filmed shootout between Dan Haggerty and the neo-nazi thugs, as well as the murder of a teenage girl at the hands of Hitler's favorite elf, Elfy McStabFace.

"Pss, lady, I got a present for you...

...And it ain't a fucking nintendo! YAAGH!"

He's got 24 hours. Is it enough time? He really doesn't know if it's enough time, but it better be enough time.

Grizzly Adam’s run of bad luck continues. He’s been fired from his job for doing nothing more than protecting a teenage girl from neo-Nazis and killer elves. At this rate I wouldn't be surprised if Life physically manifested and personally took a dump right on his face as he sleeps in an ally somewhere under a stack of newspapers, using a dozen empty cigarette cartons as a pillow.

"It was a troll, not a raccoon, a troll!"

What kind of people can't tell the difference between a troll and an elf? They're entirely different. Trolls are thicker, and heavier with more bone mass and their skin is a deeper shade of green. Elves are shorter, skinnier and are olive colored. Get your shit straight, people.

Sounds to me like senile old roller-nazi is looking to redeem himself and end that stab-mad midget's reign of terror once and for all. Or maybe he's just looking for attention like most old people are when they talk about crazy elves.

"What the hell were these Nazis gonna do with these elves?"

I've been longing to hear this line spoken allowed for so long, and yet I never realized until just now.

That bearded juggernaut they call Dan Haggerty is finally putting the pieces together. The pieces being "Nazis" and "elves".

"The man in the study is your grandfather...AND YOUR FATHER!"

Jesus McShitballs! This is like an episode of Jerry Springer if hosted by Dan Haggarty and featuring a psychotic deformed midget that runs out and stabs a guest to death at random throughout. And plus Nazis.

"You know I'm a member of neighborhood watch!"

Oooh, well excuse me Mr. Elf Professor, I guess I'll haul my ass on out of here before you go get your little “suspicious activity” journal and log down: "Large man broke into my house and bludgeoned family to death”. Why don’t you watch me take a piss on your turkey dinner then tell the neighborhood all about it after you get out of traction, fuck-stick! What kind of fucking threat is that? Neighborhood watch?! Honestly, you know that doesn’t actually mean anything, don’t you? Jesus fucking Christ, man. I can’t even get angry at you, you’re just too fucking pathetic, you know that? I wish I could get angry, it’d be better than this strange melding of pity and utter bewilderment that I’m experiencing right now. I just feel sorry for you more than anything else, really. I feel sorry that you’re such a goddamn vagina, and that your wife is probably cheating on you with your best friend the Troll Professor and your children are more than likely stealing money from your wallet to buy peyote because none of them have any respect for you because when you’re confronted by big scary bearded men you threaten them with the knowledge that you belong to the neighborhood fucking watch. I hope someone cuts your nut-skin off and feeds it to your dog. Assface.

"I want to know the connection between elves and Nazis"

No sentence containing the words "elves" and "Nazis" can possibly be anything but totally fucking awesome.

Elf Professor: "Each elf was to house the haploid gene structure in its sperm cells to produce the master race, once again, magical powers, can't be hurt or killed. Driven to select the genetically perfect human mate the proverbial virgin of course holy midnight consummation on Christmas eve."

Dan Haggerty: "Wait a minute, you mean tonight?"

Elf Professor: "The elf mates with the virgin on Christmas eve to produce the master race and it will eventually rule the world"

What the shitting dick nipples? This is shaping up like some creepy Japanese animated monster rape porn. Not that I would have any first hand knowledge of what those are like. . .

The Elf: rapin chicks and stabbin dicks since 1989.

*In reference to banging his daughter* "It was not traumatic for her at all, she was drugged and unconscious"

Dude, I've tried that excuse, it's not gonna fly. Woman are just irrational about that kind of stuff.

So, the grandfather knocked up his daughter to birth his daughter/granddaughter, so that she would be pure enough to get forcibly impregnated by an elf so she can Vagina-slide out the master race of nazi elf men, finally bringing Hitler's master plan to fruition? That is just a whole shit-load of shrooms worth of screenwriting right there.

Grizzly Adams just beat the shit out of a nazi! Now that's what I call catharsis!

"What's wrong, are we going to be alright?"

"No willy, gramps is a Nazi."

And an incestuous rapist, and a German, and old, but even beyond all that, he can't fucking walk! Look at that thing he's sitting on. That's a chair that rolls! He needs it because he can't use his legs! What the fuck is that shit?!

Gramps gets the best fucking lines in this movie. I'm pretty fucking sure that they just flew an old hobo in from Germany, put him on film and let him cut loose.

"I impregnated by own daughter to produce an offspring that would be suitable to mate with the...elf"

"There will be an army of elves!"

You can't write that shit!

Dan Haggerty is knuckle raping these nazi fuck-cunts Their asses are going to be sore for a week after the fistic sodomy he's layin on em! You don't never fuck with a chain smoking mall santa/ex police detective who was raised by grizzly bears!

Dan Haggerty Hates Nazis!

By far the best aspect of this movie has been the absolutely incomparable dialogue. Which I can only assume is the product of many, many hallucinogenic narcotics, clinical mental instability (probably due to some child-hood trauma involving being molested by one of Santa’s littler helpers at the mall), and several debilitating blows to the head.

Aw yeah, he's gonna give her the elfing of a life-time...

And for the grand finale we have Kirsten being fondled by a rape-happy, stab-crazy nazi elf while her little brother runs around trying to retrieve a magical crystal that can send the tiny terror back to elf-hell before he can spring his trouser-elf and father a race of unstoppable, super Nazi-elves.

"I'm gonna rape ya!"

To the depths of the earth you return, elf, never to stab or fondle again!

It's snowing, very Christmasy.