Vampires vs Zombies: Real Time Review

Vampires vs Zombies: Real Time Review

Premise: Well, the premise is kind of like a. . .thing. . .it's sort of like if you walked into a coffee shop and there were 8 people standing there that first appeared to be nuns but they were all wearing clown make up for no reason and some of them had turtles on their feet, and they assaulted you with Nunchaku while screaming vaguely threatening remarks about how they're going to "turn your ass into a cheese cake factory", Then after you're beaten to a bloody pulp, the person working at the coffee shop walks over and farts in your mouth. That's the best I can do.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0408309/


A full moon. Evil is afoot

Or lesbian vampires are afoot, rather. I guess. Wait, scratch that, it was all a dream. Nothing is afoot. Not even lesbian vampires, unfortunately.

A couple ran over a lizard man on the side of the road. Maybe it was supposed to be a zombie. Or maybe it was supposed to be a zombie lizard man? It looked like it had pickles for skin! I don’t know why they ran him over, he was probably just looking for a ride. Hate crime!

A zombie, a vegetable man or an iguana person? You decide.

It really must be an emergency. You can tell because she keeps using words like “It’s” and “an” and “emergency”.

This chicks name is Carmilla. If I hadn’t just watched The Vampire Lovers I might be surprised when it’s eventually revealed that she is a vampire.

You need gas? Better stop for gas, then. At a station. A station that sells gas.

This gas station scene has gone on approximately 12 seconds too long.

“Have a nice day” It’ll be a lot easier once this fucking movie is over.

Jesus Christ, is this movie about the fucking gas station or what? No more gas station! NO MORE!

Is this the same fucking gas station? Again!? So, did the people that made this movie know the owners of the gas station and they let them shoot there for free?

Oh, wow, Carmilla was a vampire.

“I could have snapped his neck before he took his next breath, but I needed him to take the bait. Why am I telling you all this?” Because I was confused, thanks for clearing that all up for me Brinke Stevens!

There’s a father/daughter duo of vampire hunters driving down a road, and there’s also a gas station where nonsensical things keep happening over and over again.

Yeah, these two are vampire hunters and I guess they’re engaging in some kind of cross country cat and mouse game with a vampire during a zombie holocaust?

I don’t know who this old man is, but I like the way he rolls. This chick in the back seat gets mouthy so he buttons her lips shut with his elbow: (reenactment)“Shut the fuck up!” *Elbow*(End reenactment)

She should have shut the fuck up.

So this dude, Fontaine, and his daughter, Jenna, are trying to hook up with The General (otherwise known as Crazy-Elbows McGee) and they’re all trying to find and kill a vampire (Carmilla) who is actually tagging along with the father/daughter duo unbeknownst to them. In the meantime, there’s a gas station run by this guy...

Rinse and spit, dude. Not cool.

Oh, wait, so Fontaine is actually aware that Carmilla is a vampire? So, why don’t they kill her? Why are they driving her around? This movie isn’t making a whole bunch of sense; maybe I just need to pay more attention.

After attempting to focus more on the movie to try to understand it I began to suffer intense migraines and tremors in my hands. All the blood rushed to my head and began to squirt out of my nose at which point I collapsed on the floor suffering from what I believe to be a panic attack. I was able to turn the TV off before all of my body’s blood supply could completely drain out of my face. I will take some time to collect myself and proceed with caution from here.

I’m going to grab some fajitas.

Lesbians! And suddenly my pain is diminished. Lesbian sex makes any movie bearable. At least for as long as it’s occurring on screen. These two chicks (Vampire, Carmilla, and Vampire Huntress, Jenna) pull over to take a break (from driving a car? It’s not that strenuous). Carmilla then starts fondling Jenna and they begin to make out. “I think we should go”, says Jenna; “You will” replies Carmilla. Not sure what that was supposed to mean (where will she go?), but it gave me an erection.

“Aww shit, I got my period.” Jesus Christ, I’m eating over here! What the fuck?!

I had no idea that a woman’s period involved her sprouting two small, bleeding holes on her inner thigh. I guess you learn something new about menstruation every day. Oh, wait, those were vampire bites weren’t they? Man, I feel like an ass.

This is the most chilled out zombie apocalypse I've ever seen on film. I mean, the world is just functioning as normal, it’s as if people have accepted that running over green zombies every once in a while is just another part of life. Zombies really have nothing to do with this movie at all.

This movie keeps descending into inexplicable dream sequences every 7 minutes. So often that I don’t know what’s real or what’s a dream. Not just in the movie, either. In real life, too.

Has this film given me a tumor?

“Can I get you a coffee or something?”
“Actually, I could use something stronger”
“Ah, copy that” *begins to remove pants*
“Whoa, wait, what the hell are you doing!?”
“What? What’s up?”
“Why were you taking your pants off?”
“Well…I just thought, when you said you wanted something stronger that you meant…”
“I was talking about meth”
“Oh, right! Right….” *continues to remove pants*
“Alright, fine, but you better have that fucking meth!”
I propose that all of this movie's ills could have been cured had the preceding taken place.

The last 2 minutes have been the ocular equivalent of a crazy bum on the streets screaming gibberish about Communist yetis trying to steal his wiener. Oh, and it was another dream sequence. Or, maybe, the dream sequences are all real, and the real sequences are dreams! I think I finally figured it out.

Was that a zombie or just a dead body? Or was it a vampire? It was just standing there in the middle of the road with a stake in its heart, holding a gun and dressed up in military garb. Then he fell over. I guess I’ll be generous and count it as a zombie, bringing the total number of zombies featured in the film up to …let’s see, carry the two, divided by 26…best estimate, three. And none of them have yet Versus’ed vampires.

I call bullshit.

Jenna: “And there’s already sheets on the bed…” It’s almost as if fate itself wants you two get it on, so it can watch, and touch itself…

Jenna: “Carmilla, I don’t know”
Carmilla: “You do know Jenna, your protests are already less than half-hearted”
One third hearted protests against lesbian sex should be ignored entirely.

So, the father daughter duo along with their vampiric travel companion have arrived at a church (approximately the forth setting used in the movie, along with Gas station, house and road) Then Jenna and Carmilla bone (only minus the “bone” because they’re both chicks) then we’re thrust into another inexplicable dream sequence that probably only makes sense in the writer's constantly LSD addled mind.

In the dream sequence Jenna is seen in a mental asylum, while Fontaine states that she’s fucking crazy. Please, God, don’t tell me the entire movie is taking place in her head.

These actors verbally ejaculate their dialogue like deaf monkeys that have been taught speech by an autistic Norwegian.

I would rather watch lobsters fucking for 26 straight hours than ever watch this movie again.

This church is chock full of zombie school girls! Right now they have a pretty good opportunity to turn the rest of the movie into full on fetish porn. I suggest they take it.

How about a game? Try to envision this action sequence using only the following onomatopoeias: “WHAP” “POW” “THUD” “AGHH!” BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZ” “GRRRRR” “CRUNCH” “SQUISH” “SLICE”. How’d that go for you?

The General has finally joined the party. Gotta love him.

The General. He wants you to shut the fuck up.

Ha, The General just elbowed another vampire! It’s like a reflex with him. Vampire tries to bite him, elbow to the face. Homeless man asks him for change, elbow to the face. Woman screams after being elbowed in the face by The General, elbow to the face.

Taste the power!

Apparently The General’s daughter became a vampire and Fontaine was forced to kill her. This upsets The General. The General does not approve. The General’s elbows are starting to itch…

The General is not amused.

The General: “I’m gonna kill you for this!” Watch the elbows! THE ELBOWS!

The General just staked Fontaine in the shoulder: “Get this stake out of me!”, Man, he really doesn’t like that stake being in him.

Slightly red colored water just inexplicably appearing in places does not constitute special FX.

Fontaine and The General have made amends. Thank God, I couldn’t stand to see those two fighting.

The General’s words of wisdom: “Now let’s kill that fucking succubus!”

So…
. . .

The ending makes me feel as though my eyes have been sodomized by twin dongs of lunacy. What the fuck has just happened to my life? Now I know what it must feel like to get elbowed in the face by The General, or, at least, mentally elbowed.

Whapow!

Shriek of the Mutilated: Real Time Review

Shriek of the Mutilated: Real Time Review

Premise: A college professor takes his students out on a field trip to find a killer yeti out on an island famous for its killer yeti. The killer yeti, surprisingly, kills people, and, in the end, there may be something even more nefarious than a killer yeti behind the people seemingly being killed by the yeti.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0072156/


The Picture quality is really bad on this upload so I can’t really tell, is that supposed to be a Yeti there or…Chewbacca?

What is this? Where is this music coming from? Is this from the movie or did my computer spontaneously turn gay on me?

They're at one of those "groovy" 70's disco parties I've heard so much about.

“No field trips! Tomorrow? He said there would be no more field trips!!”

“Don’t get so excited, that’s all in the past.”

I take it this guy got molested by the janitor at the Imaginarium as a child.

“It’s fabulous, this whole place is fabulous!” Jesus Christ, try not to blow a load all over your dinner salad, weirdo.

“This place has a rather exclusive and very unique clientele” What, dickheads?

"Where'd you go?"

"After the same thing you're after, Prell's...thing!"

This guy takes his classes out on field trips devoted entirely to finding his dong? That’s a little inappropriate for a college professor.

Flash back to the last ill fated expedition to Yeti Island where a man is savagely mauled by some kind of cave-man-esque creature wearing the fur of a sheep dog.

So this dude, Dr. Prell, takes his students out on a journey to some kind of island of Yeti's and in a past field trip several of his students were killed, one of the survivors goes to a party with a bunch of Prell's new students, gets liquored up and then starts monologing in front of the whole crowd, bottle in hand, about his horrible yeti-abundant ordeal, then proceeds to laugh manically and chug some vodka: "I'm not crazy! *chug chug* The Yeti will kill you too! *Chug chug* He'll kill you all!...where'd all my vokda go...?”. Here’s some free advice, boozy, if you want people to believe a fantastic tale of yours, best to tell it without: A. Breaking down in tears, B. laughing like a bi-polar clown whose balloon animal just exploded or C. slamming hard liquor. He might as well dress up in a bear outfit and juggle bowling pins while free-basing cocaine when telling the story and expect people to believe him. Actually, I'd be more inclined to believe a juggling, coke-fiend bear-man than a crazy alcoholic dude.

"I'm not crazy, there's a yeti out there, he'll kill you all!"

And now another group of young, bright eyed students are doomed to the same fate as Prell's last field trip.

Rummy McBoozeface and his lady friend go home and, like a true alky, he heads straight for his stash of hooch, his wife takes exception and knocks it out of his hands at which point it shatters in the sink, spilling the sweet, sweet nectar within down the drain to be lost forever. This angers the boozeaholic and seemingly triggers his Post Yeti Stress Syndrome because he grabs a knife and cuts his wife's throat with it. Like any rational thinking person he decides the best course of action after an impulsive, alcohol fueled act of homicide would be to wash the blood off of his clothes, so he fills the bathtub with water and hops in fully dressed, but not before grabbing a beer, where he sits scrubbing the blood stains on his shirt with a brush and knocking back his brewskie. Apparently his drunkeness hindered his murder abilities because his wife wasn't totally dead, Just faking, I guess. Anyway, she decides enough is enough and it's time to end the relationship, by tossing a toaster oven into the bathtub with her soon to be ex as he is passed out, covered in blood and filled with alcohol in a tub of water, and fry the nutty fruit-basket alive, to death. Which she does. Then she dies too. Which just goes to prove, two wrongs don't make a right, but they make for damn fine entertainment.

Who needs a wife when you've got beer and a bathtub to drink it in?

The doctor and his students have finally arrived on YetiDeath Island. They hook up with some supposed yeti researching yetiologist that lives there and hunts yetis all day long. He has long, hair and he wears sweaters. And a mustache.

"There's a man with an axe!"

"My indian?"

"I guess so!"

"Don't be frightened, that's laughing crow, I asked him to chop a few logs for us. He's a harmless old buzzard, and he takes very good care of me"

Hey, to anyone else that's seen this movie; did anyone get the impression that Laughing Crow and this dude have some kind of...something going on? Like...sort of a . . .weird. . .you know? Like with. . . gay sex or something?

Tom is a Douche-bag.

Tom. He's a douche-bag.

Goddamnit I hate Tom. I hate Tom more than I've ever hated a person, fictional or otherwise. Every time I see his pasty, shit-eating face with his greasy hair and silly boots I want to pull his head off his shoulders and beat him to death with it. Here's hoping he gets sodomized by a yeti and bleeds to death out of his ass.

Tom is dead, DEAD! Hallelujah! His death scene was short, so we didn't get many details, all we saw was the yeti charge him, jump him, and start bitch-slapping him. What I think happened afterwards, though, is the yeti pulled his dick off, and gagged him with it, then broke off his hands and slapped him across the face with them until it peeled off, then the yeti got up, peed on him, replaced his eyes with his testicles, then ripped his heart out and shoved it up his ass. Or at least that’s what I like to think happened.

This girl looks like a live action Velma from Scooby Doo, red hair, nerd glasses and everything. She’s not as hot as Velma, though.

She's not nearly as smart as Velma, either. After she freaks out (presumably after spotting the Yeti) She high-tails it. Reasonable, right? Running away from homicidal yetis is only natural? Yeah, but she runs into the fucking forest, the forest of death and yetis, instead of into the house, back to people and safety. Still, that's not all. After running through the forest in a blind panic for a bit, she gets her foot caught between two rocks. After exhausting all possibilities of escape, and by that I mean jerking her fucking leg forward over and over again despite repeated lack of success, she eventually falls over and get's Yeti-pwned. That shit never would have happened to Velma.

In the end, though, the Yeti probably saved her from getting date-raped by this lecherous old Yeti professor who lives on Yeti Island alone with his mute Indian caretaker and probably hasn't even seen a woman in 6 years.

Rapist? You decide. (The answer is "yes", by the way)

So, to get you folks caught up. We’ve got two dead college students, two living college students, Dr. Prell and his Yeti Hunting island dwelling colleague and his mute native side-kick. The two surviving students are a girl who is flipping her shit literally every second she’s on screen (She flips out so often and so fervently, in fact, that doctor Prell had to punch her right in the fucking head. Not even a slap, he slammed her direct to the side of the face.) and the leading man who is so vacuous and forgettable that I can’t remember his characters name longer than 6/8ths of a second after I hear it. I’ll just call him Chuck Tompkins. Plus there’s a yeti.

Is it just me or is this yeti a lot smaller than the average yeti? The thing looks about 4 feet tall. Looks more like a little kid wearing polar-bear fur pants and a shaggy parka with fake Dracula fangs. Like if Dracula and a polar bear boned and had a giant baby. That’s what it looks like. Exactly.

They're using bits of Toms leg as bait to try to trap the Yeti. Looks like they finally found a use for that cuntwaffle of a waste of humanity after all. I’m glad to know his remains are soon to be yeti shit.

Constantly hysterical girl and Chuck Tompkins got into a fight about constantly hysterical girls constant hysterics. Chuck is as tired of her shit as everyone else is, I guess. Can’t say I blame him. Nope, can’t blame the Chuck.

Chuck: “Now you've gone to far!”

CHG: “I don't think I've gone far enough!”

Chuck: “Yes you have!”

CHG: “Nope!”

Chuck: “Yep!”

Yeti: “Would somebody shut that bitch up already! Every time I’m about to kill one of you her shrill screams drive my testicles into my torso and I have to retreat to my cave in the forest of doom.”

Chuck: “Holy shit, where’d that dude in the sheep-dog body suit come from?!”

He put that bitch in her place. She's been grating on my nerves for a while now with her "There's a yeti on the island!", "my friends are dead!", “Don't use their corpses as bait to catch the yeti that’s on the island!" Bullshit. Change the fucking record already.

In their last ditch plan to capture the Yeti they're rigging a series of trip wires to a dead body and then. . . they'll shoot it, I guess.

Whoa, what? Wasn't it just night time? Man, I zoned out for a second.

Did somebody just hit Chuck over the head with a stick or did he just have a narcoleptic episode?

Is that indian cooking a human head into a stew? What has been happening over the last 5 minutes? A series of utterly nonsensical occurrences just took place. They were hunting the yeti, then out of nowhere Chuck runs off into the forest by himself and the sun has risen, then the mute native is listening to kids music and is scolded, at which point he cuts a dead bodies head off and turns it into a pot roast. Also, someone hit the Chuckster over the head with a stick and knocked him out...

Ahh...Ok! So the whole thing was some kind of trick the scientists, Clark the Yetiologist and Prell, put on to lure kids onto the island so they could kill them all and eat them? So is there a Yeti or what?

So I guess these guys are actually, like, were-yetis. They're yetis in disguise as people. I mean, I just made that up, but it makes as much sense as anything else that's going on in this movie.

Yeti time! What's the time? Yeti time!

My God is that a...

Could it be a...

YEEEETTTTTIIIIII!!!!!!!

So there is a yeti. So, are the Yeti and the scientists in cahoots or something? Are they working together? Is the Yeti their pet?

Why are any of the things that are happening in this movie happening in this movie? Nothing makes sense. The movie was awful from the start, but it was pretty straight forward: College kids on an island, yeti on the island, yeti kills kids. Now everything has just gone to shit. It’s as if billions of tiny spores of insanity have been emitted from the screen, clawed their way into my brain and started fucking the shit out of each other in a massive orgy of madness.

So there was never a yeti! So that's why the Yeti always looked like a dude in a bleached gorilla suit, because it was one!

Apparently the master-plan is to lure people to this island so they can scare them to death and then put on elaborate dinner parties where they serve the dead bodies as meat. It's like the pieces of a puzzle have finally fallen into place, and that puzzle is actually a picture of donkeys raping each other.

They're all devil worshiping cannibals who put together elaborate schemes to kill people and eat them. I feel so...fucking...cheated. I am genuinely pissed off about this. Go and ruin a perfectly good killer yeti movie with an unnecessary twist ending.

They're trying to convert Chuck into a cannibal like them, so he'll go forth and spread the legend of the yeti.

They’re all just chilling at the dinner table while Prell monologues to Chuck about their people-eating racket for about 5 minutes straight.

Chuck: "It was all a charade! There is no Yeti!"

Dude! Every fucking sentence spoken to you over the last six straight fucking minutes has been one variation

or another of those words. How goddamn many times do you need to be told “No fucking yeti, we eat people, it was all fake!” for you to understand?!

Now all 10 or so of the dinner guests have chased Chuck into the other room and are poking him with their salad forks as he writhes on the ground and screams in pain. They stabbed him into unconsciousness with forks! Uh oh, Chuck, it looks like you’re forked. Hah, get it?

If you never wanted to know what a man being stabbed with forks looked like, don't watch this movie.

. . . There just are no words. I'm genuinely flabbergasted. It's a rare occurrence for me to be flabbergasted beyond words, it doesn't happen often, but it has here. I'm not even going to try to understand because I think if I genuinely tried to comprehend what I’ve just seen I'd wind up going utterly mad like someone in an H.P. Lovecraft story. I feel like I've gazed upon the unknowable face of pure evil, and I don't know if I'll ever be the same.

Oh, and the Indian can talk. Surprise!

I can relate.

Real Time Review: Prophecy

Real Time Review: Prophecy

Premise: Talia Shire and Robert Foxworth blow the whistle on a paper mills conspiracy to pollute the waters of an expansive forest to grow armies of giant salmon and mutant bears. Actually, that's really not what the movies about, though there is a paper mill, a giant salmon and a mutant bear.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0079758/


I can’t tell if that wind is real or if it’s coming from the TV.

Mystery solved. Both real life wind and fantasy movie wind. Both was the answer.

Holy shit, both is a fucked up word, isn’t it? I mean, it’s like you’re about to say “bowl” but then tack a “TH” sound at the end. It’s not even a word, really. I mean when you really say it, and listen to it, it’s really not a word at all. It’s just a sound, a sound that we have assigned a meaning. Really, I guess that’s what all words are, just sounds that are supposed to mean something, just a more advanced form of a dogs bark or a cows moo. They really didn’t try all that hard with both, though HOLY SHIT! What is that thing! Is that a bear?! Where’s Jim?! Christ, it’s killing everyone! They’re all dead! . . .for some reason I feel like there should be an “L” in the word “both”, I think it would make more sense that way. Yeah, Bolth, that’s way better.

By God, what is that thing on his head? That’s either the rockinest man-perm I’ve ever seen or Robert Foxworth is sprouting billions of curly tentacles from his skull.

I honestly don’t know why Robert Foxworth is making such a big deal about a baby being bitten by rats. It’s survival of the fittest out there, and the kids going to have to learn how to fight rats at some point in his life. All anyone needs to do is fashion the tot a tiny little spear out of some kind of thick wiring and teach him how to light a torch. He’ll be fighting the little bastards off in no time, sticking their heads on pikes and using their blood as war paint. He’ll grow up tough, that one.

The Fox Foxworth and his lady friend, Rocky's ex wife, have arrived to the Forrest, to do environmental related activities, like finding out why the Indians there are pitching such a bitch fit, or why there's a giant man eating bear mutant running around killing folk.

This guy is the very definition of “folksy Pizazz”.

“That’s the biggest fiddle you ever saw!” (Referring to a cello)

“I can’t carry a tune in a bucket!”

Holy shit, this guy rocks!

I don’t know what they’re trying to accomplish, dangling that dog from a helicopter and flying around with him. Man, he looks horribly, horribly confused. I wouldn't want to be on the ground under him right now.

Indians vs Lumberjacks!

“You cut my head off before you cut these trees” Yeah, I mean, let’s be practical here, you can grow another head.

I wish chainsaw v. axe fights would spontaneously arise in real life more often than they do.

Armand Assante-0 Lumberjacks-1

Mrs. Rocky: “I was jealous of that Indian woman, she had so much courage to be so strong when she was frightened, to demand her own way…and she had a sweet ass…”

Ultra-perm: “Pardon?”

A raccoon! An oar! A fire place! Robert Foxworth! A dead raccoon stuck on an oar held by Robert Foxworth in a fire place! Robert Foxworth knows what to do with kill-crazy raccoons.

“It wasn’t rabies, I don’t know what it was” He probably thought your hair was a woodland creature and he was trying to mate with it.

“He is part of all things created…”

You know, technically that means he would have to be part of…my junk!

My junk, it's in there somewhere.

Goddamn, the way they’re showcasing this paper mill you’d think it was the fucking Death Star or something. Yeah, we get it, paper mills are evil, cool it down with the ominous music already.

“How many sheets of paper are in all those filing cabinets in Washington? I supply what you demand, you’re responsible too!” Deformed babies, giant salmon, deranged raccoons, mass murdering mutant bear monsters, chainsaw fights, flying dogs! Was it worth it, Washington? How about you? Was it worth it? Was it all worth it just to have some paper to wipe your ass with?!

Mercury turns fish giant and drives mutant bears to kill! Also, natives can get drunk on it!

A private contractor soaks the logs in mercury, stores the logs in ponds, the salmon mutate, as does everything that eats the salmon, resulting in giant tadpoles, stillborn babies and a freak-bear monster.

“Let me try and put this together” Dude - mutant bear. Done.

Aw man, Mrs. Rocky ate the fish and she was pregnant. Now her baby's going to be a mutant bear, too.

From the still night he emerged, thrusting the sleeping humans from peaceful dreams into their worst nightmare. I nightmare populated by a 9 foot tall, rubbery, pink, pig-bear like hybrid hell-bent on felling all in its path! He struck down the helpless campers with a ferocity never before seen in nature. A ferocity fueled by mercury treated logs, the vitriolic evil of the paper industry and a sickening hatred for God, Man and its own abominable existence. He lashes out with all the pain of his own being, launching his fleshy pig-like arms, propelling the pathetic human through the air with such force that their body vaporizes upon impact with a rock, while a cloud of feathers erupts from the sleeping bag that was still wrapped around their body as they desperately attempted to hop, hop, hop their way to safety.

"If I just hop a little bit faster, maybe I can esca-AGH!"

You’ve got to imagine, though, that’d be like the equivalent of a hot-dog wiener wrapped in a burrito hopping up and down in an attempt to escape from a house cat.

Oh my god, stop pontificating you preachy perm sporting cuntwaffle! Yeah, the paper industry is evil, mercury’s bad for bears, protect the environment, lumber-jacks are dicks, Native Americans aren’t really all alcoholics, we fucking get it! Shut your bearded face-hole!

Looks like Rocky’s wife has finally faced the truth. Her baby has been poisoned by the mercury corrupted salmon. Ya, that's what happened alright.

“It’s not a baby anymore!” No, it’s better than a baby! You can teach it to kill people and eat the corpse to dispose of the evidence. Put it in a glass box and charge people a nickel to stare at it for 5 minutes, and another quarter to buy a tomato to throw at it. You can save money by feeding him garbage and fish heads and teach him to dance and ride a tricycle for you own amusement! You can’t do any of those things with a normal baby. Or could you…

I could explain what’s going on in the movie, I guess, but I don’t care, and neither should you. I’ll give you a clue, though, they’re trying to blow the lid off of the paper mill poisoning the water, while simultaneously trying to not get eaten. Actually, that’s about the whole thing right there.

Just when Foxworth’s lecturing becomes nearly stab-inducing The Abearmination (bear/abomination, get it?) bursts from the forest and goes about totally wrecking everyone’s shit in epic fashion. And when I say wrecking everyone’s shit, I mean literally everyone’s. He lights a car on fire (The sheriff’s shit), knocks down a tee-pee (The Indian's shit) and pushes over a tree (God’s shit). He carved a path of total devastation as he at times stumbled unstably on his hind legs like an Eskimo high on mouth-wash, and at others seemed to glide across the ground as if on wheels, all the while flailing his rubbery appendages in a desperate search to find more shit to fuck up, constantly howling his accursed roar that I suspect to be mutant-bear speak for “MOTHERFUCKERS!"

"You the fuckers been polluting the forest? I'm gonna fuck your shit up!"

I wonder how this freak-beast interacts with other bears. They’d probably treat him like the creepy, weird looking, maybe slightly retarded cousin at family reunions. You want to be nice to him, but then he says something about how many books he’s read about Hitler or how when he’s listening to any song by The Beatles he can hear the word “Kill” repeated over and over in the back ground and then you catch a look at the disgusting birth-mark on the side of his neck and you just edge away with a “Yeah, those Beatles, man…” I mean, normal bears like to kill people, but this guy just takes it over the line. He’s the gross, crazy, retarded cousin of the bear community.

"My existence is pain!"

He just bitch-slapped their jeep. Now they’re trapped in the forest, on foot, stalked by a vicious chimera of a bear-like monstrosity.

Bear Monster: “Protect the environment, fuckers!” *Bite*

He feasts on the heads of man!

Look at him! Just fucking look! He’s hideous! This is what happens when you abuse the environment. Next time you think about littering, remember, you’re responsible too. Buy a fucking hybrid or he’ll kill you!

He’s thrashing this old Indian dude through the air like a pit-bull with a baby duck in its jaws.

Aw, what? It can swim, too?! No fair!

“It’s drowned!” Wishful thinking - statistically the number one cause of bear maulings.

Robert Foxworth stabbed it in the eye with an arrow, then it fell into the lake, bobbing up and down in the water like some kind of morbid inflatable pool accessory.

At the very end it is revealed that there is yet another giant, bipedal, bear-like freak of nature roaming the forest, and they call him, Smokey. Only you… can feed his unfathomable hunger for the blood of polluters.

"Protect the environment, or I'll fucking kill you."

Real Time Review: Godzilla vs Mechagodzilla

Real Time Review: Godzilla vs Mechagodzilla

Premise
Godzilla and King Caesar scrap it out with Mechagodzilla and fuck up a lot of shit while in the process.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071565/


Is this a conga drum I’m hearing? I have no idea what a conga drum is so I don’t know. Let me look it up… Fuck, I still don’t know.

Haha, this old guy’s so old.

Her prediction scared you? What prediction? The one about the giant monster destroying the planet? Well thank god you live in the real world and those types of things never…oh, wait…dude, you’re fucked. Godzilla land is a perilous place, indeed.

There’s a prophecy foretelling the arrival of Mechagodzilla involving black mountains in the sky and other such cryptic nonsense. The jist is that Mechgodzilla’s gonna Mecha-rise and Mecha-fuck this planet up. Mechanized, bitches!

“A huge living being is moving underground” Says the radio. Must be the mole people again.

The Professor takes one look at this chick and just says: “Wow!”. Fucking smooth, man.

Karate fight! I don’t think they’re actually using karate but as far as I know karate is the only way Japanese people know how to fight.

I didn’t know that smothering someone with a pillow while pummeling them in the face was a karate maneuver.

This old guy always seems to be in a blind panic, which is funny to watch since he’s so old. He gives the sense that he could have a stress induced heart attack at any moment.

“Anguris shouldn’t attack his friend Godziller” That’s not Godziller, dumbass, that’s Godzilla! Oh wait, that’s not Godzilla, it’s Mechagodzilla.

Poser Godzilla just struck a fighting stance. Know what that means? Means he wants to fight.

That was pretty brutal for a Godzilla fight.

Now it appears that he’s imitating a chicken…or something.

I can just imagine my 7 year old self crying in outrage “That’s not Godzilla! Godzilla sounds different! Godzilla shoots blue fire! Fuck this fake ass imposter Godzilla piece of shit. Motherfucker!!!” I swear to god I talked like that when I was 7.

Real Godzilla

Fake Godzilla!

“Two Godzilla’s?! What does it mean?” It means one of em’s about to get fucked up!

Random explosions! YAY!!!

“You could call it a Mechagodzilla” That’s Mr. Mechagodzilla to you, fuck hole!

Holy shit it’s a cyborg!!!!

A cyborg with Rocket feet!

His feet, they're rockets.

I wonder if these guys are aliens…

You got space metal, you gotta have space men. It’s so simple!

Don’t you go making a deal with those Crazy space men! They’ll destroy the world! Oh shit, he’s got a laser! Do whatever he tells you!

Godzilla’s healing himself with lightening. He does that sometimes.

Bullets that turn people into green gorilla men? Or was he already? I’m confused!

These monkey men ain’t got shit.

Why not just shoot them? Why go through the trouble to build a room made specifically just to fill with enough steam to kill someone? You could have saved that money and spent it on more lasers.

Oh yeah, that was some Chow Yun-fat shit right there.

“I’ve sold my soul to the devil”: If by “devil” you mean cucumber-green ape man from beyond the stars, then I suppose you did. Jerk.

I almost believe they found a race a Green ape-men that can transform into and out of human form at will, and persuaded them to be in this movie somehow (probably green space bananas). That’s how convincing the FX are. Really. No exaggeration. I can’t believe for a second that it’s not real.

They’re spurting green alien gorilla blood from their bullet wounds!

Giant lasers are shooting out of the sky blowing up rocks! Fuck those rocks up, lasers! Where are the lasers coming from? I don’t know. What did the rocks do to incur their wrath? I don’t know. Best guesses: The Moon and banged the lasers wife.

King Caesar! YES!

King Caesar: too cool to walk.

King Caesar’s floppy ears make me smile.

Some lady has to sing to awaken King Caesar from his sleep so he can fuck up that big metal Fakezilla.

Why the fuck doesn’t Mechagodzilla step on this chick before she can finish the song and bring Caesar to life? Or shoot her with his rockets or lasers or whatever.

It’s smack down time, mother FUCKER!

That song ended so abruptly.

There was this huge explosion and all of a sudden Caesar was standing there and he was all like “Let’s do it, thunder-cunt” and flexed his muscles and screamed, and his eyes were glowing n’ shit and Mechagodzilla was like “Are you talking to me, motherfucker?! You wanna go?! Huh?! I’ll smack your monkey ass into orbit you big furry bitch!” And Caesar was like, “Bring it on, wangbasket!! You and me, right here, right now!” And Mechagodzilla was all like “Let’s do it!!” And King Caser was like “YEAH!!!” And Mechagodzilla was like “IT’S GO TIME!!!!” And Caesar screamed “COME ON!!!” And Mechagodzilla was all “BRING IT!!!!” and then they both screamed “YYYYEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!” and started making out. . .well in my mind they did.

You cannot harm Caesar with your laser attacks you silly massive robot.

OH! Caesar just bounced off Mechagodzilla’s huge metallic pecs! Pecs of steel deflect Caesars charge attack, BOUNCE!

Caesar took him down with a shoulder throw!

Mechagodzilla keeps trying his lasers but Caesar just absorbs them and shoots them back. Haha!!!!…yeah, I’m way to into this.

“Try absorbing rockets, bitch!” Mechagodzilla said that, honest. That’s not something I would make up.

I think Mechagodzilla’s trying to rape King Caesar’s mouth with his fingers…

Epic brawl, or sodomy?

“Godzilla is still alive” Fucking A right he is! Godzilla’s always alive…in my heart.

Aww, Godzilla is so cute when he’s angry

Dude, did Godzilla just snap his fingers in frustration?

Mechagodzilla is such a cheap motherfucker. Stop flying and fight like a proper robot!!

Jon Woo was definitely influenced by this movie

What the fuck, man?! This is so fucking cool! It makes no sense!!!!

Mechagodzilla’s spinning his head around and around to create a force field! WHAT!?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAH OH MY FUCKING GOD, OH MY FUCKING GOD AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH THIS IS SO FUCKING COOL!!!!!!!!!

Godzilla is spurting blood from a wound in his neck. It’s like Lone Wolf and Cub but with giant monsters and laser beams instead of Japanese people and swords. Wait giant Japanese people…with laser swords…Holy. Shit.

Mechagodzilla is laying down a barrage of rockets, lightening and 18 different types of lasers!

Did I mention Mechagodzilla has rockets for toes? Well he does. Cool, no?

Holy fuck, dude, I mean, fuck, man! How fucking cool is this movie?! HOW FUCKING COOL IS THIS?!!!

He reminds me of a penguin sometimes. Like now.

Why is Godzilla glowing and shooting sparks? I have a feeling something that makes no sense is about to happen!

Godzilla inexplicably just turned into a giant magnet! Here, let this guy tell you: “He’s transformed himself into a magnetic pole!” SEE! I fucking told you!

Oh you ain’t going nowhere this time Mechagodzilla. Godzilla’s gottcha now!

Double teamed, motherfucker!

Body slam that son of a bitch, King Caesar! Body slam him up good!!!

Godzilla knocked Mechagodzilla’s head right the fuck off. “That’s was you get!” Screams Godzilla as he stands victoriously over Mechagodzilla’s lifeless heap of a body, violently jabbing at it with his index finger. You mess with the best, you die like all the other punk-ass monsters that fucked with Godzilla and were in turn killed in reprisal, and you messed with the best, Mecha-douche.

Crackow!

Godzilla reigns supreme!!!!!

And I say unto thee, thou shalt not fucketh with Godzilla, for he is king...of the monsters!