Skeeter: Real Time Review

Skeeter: Real Time Review

Premise: Giant mosquitoes! Well, maybe a little.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0108154/


Doooooooooooooooooo Do do do do do do do do do do do do… That was the New Line music. I love that music.

Skeeter? You mean Doug’s friend? What, he’s killing people now? Man, it’s always the blue ones.

"No, Penis, I told you I don't want to kill my friends!"

Seriously, how many trucks carrying toxic waste drive across this country every year? At the rate of which they crash and cause giant insect related indiscriminate killing and slaughter you’d think they’d find a more effective means of transportation.

He’s being chased by a helicopter…with yellow tinted windows?

Well, I guess that’s one way to get away from giant mosquitoes. Another, perhaps more effective, method would have been turning left at the gorge instead of driving right into it with your motor bike. Just a thought.

Badasses checklist: Welding torch - Check, Aviator Sunglasses - Check, Leather Jacket - Check, Motorcycle - Check, shirt - fuck you!

Shirts: Just for pussies

Fuck helmets! Aviators are plenty protection. Plus a helmet would ruin that sculpted do of his

That guy was in Scrooged! Man, I wish I was watching Scrooged right now. But only if it had mutant killer giant mosquitoes. Which it doesn’t. So I guess I’d rather be watching this.

“She’s gonna love being dead”
That’s what every grieving family member wants to hear. I’ll need to remember that for my next funeral.

I predict Sarah and Deputy Shirtless McAwesome will be getting it on something fierce sometime later.

Sweet fuck-sauce, it’s that fucking evil industrialist land developer. I hate that fucker so much!

Townsfolk are disappearing at an alarming rate.

“I lose cows all the time”
And so are cows, apparently.

I can certainly understand losing a cow, masters of disguise and evasion that they are.

They're like super fat ninjas

“If you need anything just let us know”
Maybe some more cows?

Man, those mosquitoes aren’t even big. I could totally take those mosquitoes. It’d be like a giant human fighting a bunch of flying murder-bot cyborgs shaped like over sized mutant mosquitoes, but not quite.

Deputy Studly McLongcock: “How you holding up?”
Translation: how about I comfort you with my unit?

Grieving daughter/Love interest: “I just wish she was here” **cries**
Deputy: “This is so in the bag, score!”
Grieving Daughter/Love interest: “What?”
Deputy: “Nothing! Here, let me hold you…”

Contaminated peyote? That Indians going nuts on contaminated peyote?! Aw, lucky!

“It’s alright”
Monstersquitoes ate her dad’s blood to death, so…I guess it depends on which definition of the word “alright” you’re going by.

“What the hell is with tucker”
He’s tripping the fuck out, that’s what!

Cow’s go Moo. Moose go something else. I don’t know why Moose don’t go moo. That would make more sense. From now on, cows go cow and moose go moo. I don’t give a fuck what anyone else says.

Say 'moo' fucker!

This little, trollish looking old man is letting a mutant mosquito suck his blood. He seems to be having an orgasm. Oh, now I seem to be having an orgasm as well. Damn, didn’t see that coming.

“And get my gun rusty?” Jesus, sexual innuendos left and right. What kind of a pervert would write this movie?

Touch her boob! Just give it a quick poke. Like the Pillsbury dough-boy!

You sexy little bastard

What is this? Some kind of Cow expert? Trying to analyze the cow drinking water to see what’s causing the cows to die? Man, that sucks about the cows. I like cows. Cows are cool. Sure wish all the cows would stop dying. I wonder if those giant mosquitoes have anything to do with the recent decline in the cow population? Probably not, everyone knows Mosquitoes much prefer the blood of the four-legged checker spotted morilla.

Two drunken fishermen are arguing about what attacked them when they were out drinking and fishermen-ing.
Drunken Fisherman No. 1 “It was a vampire bat!”
Drunken Fisherman No. 2 “It was killer ducks!”
How do you mistake a killer duck for a vampire bat? I mean, how do you mistake a vampire bat for a giant mosquito? Wait, what’s happening? Jack Daniels? Where?!

They all look the same to Jack

This is much too similar to one of those economic conspiracy thrillers, only with occasional appearances from Radioactive Mosquitoes.

Haha! You hit a tree! 10 points! Now go find a pregnant lady!

“Gotta go drain the vein”
(Alternate Tag-line) They’re gonna drain your vein! Could be the tag-line for the porno spin-off , too.

I knew it!

God fucking damnit this movie sucks. This movie sucks hard. A bunch of stupid fucking people have spent the last 40 minutes talking about cows and shit. And SHIT! There’ve been one or two random mosquito related blood drainings, but besides that, almost no mosquito Acton at all. Just stupid fucking people talking to each other about stupid fucking shit. Mostly about cows. This movie is supposed to be about mosquitoes, for fucks sake! Not cows! Not people! Mosquitoes! I don’t want to see a cow or a person for the rest of the movie unless they’re getting their eyes sucked out of their fucking skulls by a giant mutant mosquito’s face spike sucking tube. You hear me! No more anything about contaminated water! Contaminated mosquitoes! You hear me you fuck sacks?! MOSQUITOES!!! NOW!!! NOW!!!!! FUCK! I don’t give two tea spoons of cock sauce about this evil industrialists diabolical plot to do shit that I don’t care about! Fuck this movie! I’m gonna kill it with my bare fucking hands! I don’t know how and I don’t care. I’ll fucking do it, I swear! I’ll pummel it until it doesn’t know the meaning of the word “cow”! FUCK COWS! DIE!!!!!!!!!!! AAGH!

A visual representation of my rage

An evil property developer is killing anyone that gets in the way of his evil property development plans and just tried to have the deputy murdered by his evil henchmen, the sheriff is corrupt, the water is contaminated, cows are dying left and right, the town is going to hell, and, oh, yeah, there just so happen to be one or two giant man-hungry mosquitoes flying around killing people every once and a while.

I think stabbing myself in the thigh would be more entertaining than watching this movie. With a red-hot meat fork. Actually, I know it would be more entertaining. At least I would be emotionally involved with stabbing myself. Know what I’m not emotionally involved in? This movie, that’s what!

And have I mentioned that the giant mosquitoes aren’t even that giant? They’re about as big as a medium sized flashlight with wings and face spikes and little insect legs and shit like that. Come to think of it, they don’t look much like flashlights at all, actually.

No. Not even a little

“I’ve seen enough of this”
I’ve seen enough of you’re face, dick-cheese!

Weld his filthy evil industrialist mouth shut, you welding wonder wizard, you! Do it! Don’t let your skills go to waste!

Way to drive! Yeah! Nice! You’re an awesome driver!

Psst, He’s not a good driver at all.

Deputy Mosquito Masher is going flame thrower crazy on a bunch of mosquitoes. Mutant mosquitoes at that. This is the first time mosquitoes have been on screen for longer than 30 seconds. Things must be looking up! Too bad there’s probably only like 5 minutes left in the movie. Actually, thank Christ there’s only 5 minutes left in the movie!

Burn mother fuckers! BURN! YEAH!

Squeeze em’! Squeeze em’ like little baby kittens! Squeeze them until their warm brain juices flow down your pants!

Asshole

Deputy I’m Too Tired to Think of a Nickname: “I’m not going, Sarah”
Me: “I don’t give a fuck”
Deputy I’m Too Tired to Think of a Nickname: “This is my town”
Me: “Shut up!”
Deputy I’m Too Tired to Think of a Nickname: “I want to see this through to the end”
Me: “Why couldn’t you just let the mosquitoes liberate you of your fluids? My life would be so much better”
Deputy I’m Too Tired to Think of a Nickname: “I’ll catch up with you real soon”
Me: "Die and go to mosquito hell, you mother fucker!

Oh, it’s actually over. Well, now what am I supposed to do. I guess I could harass my cat for a couple of hours, that’s always fun.