Premise: Sean Patrick Flannery fights rampaging grizzly bears on an alien planet...IN SPACE!
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0790746/
Apparently this alien planet has better oxygen than earth. Probably because of all those trees. I'm no airologist or anything, but I think trees help with the, you know, oxygenization, or whatever.
Wow, you better watch where you're swinging that machete, something bad might - Oh! Shit…I told you.
What's with the dirty look? It's just your hand, it was an accident.
This machete crazed astronaut got a little overzealous in her personal battle against the vegetation that was attempting to impede her forward motion and accidentally cut her leader's hand off. He then fell into a pit where his stump came into contact with a green viscous fluid that resembles …a green viscous fluid, I guess, then it grew back, but now entirely made out of CGI! What wonders this new planet holds! Oh, but then he was eaten by a bear. A…SPACE BEAR!
He dared to invoke their wrath...
It looks like they ran out of money for the special effects budget and used silly putty in an attempt to simulate scar tissue.
Apparently in the future entire cities are computer generates and battery powered nerf guns are now our preferred armaments.
"I just hope we get to kick some ass, cause I wanna have some fun"
Oh, there'll be plenty of fun to be had. If you find being mauled by radioactive (presumably) space bears to be fun. Which most people wouldn't.
Exposition! Most works of fiction would make little sense without it. Guess what, I don't care! This movie is about Alien grizzly bears on another planet for fuck's sake.
"Sensors indicate nothing dangerous"
I guess the programmers for those sensors forgot to categorize giant bat-fuck crazy, blood hungry alien space bears under "dangerous".
"I would think that the biggest thing we're going to run into is probably rabbits.
Yeah, Rabbits the exact same size and biological make up of bears. So, not rabbits at all, really. Honestly, though, if I was going to an alien planet and was told we might encounter rabbits, I would not be encouraged . . .Alien fucking rabbits, man. Not cool.
Earth is running out of oxygen, alien planet has a shitload of oxygen to spare, experimental teleportation device, space bears, human drama ect,. Ect, It's all quite captivating.
The last member of their team comes through the teleporter and promptly starts suffering horrifically violent teleportation induced paroxysms and leaking obscene amounts of blood from all of his orifices, then he falls down, a twisted and mangled fragment of the human being he once was. During this violent episode, one of the team members chimes in with: "There's a blip in the teleporter device!" Understatement of the move award goes to: whoever the fuck just said that.
"Help me straighten him out!"
The man's become a human pretzel, straighten him out all you want, it's not going to make him any less dead.
"His torso structure is gone, it's gone!"
"What do you mean gone?"
"Just didn't make it through"
I guess the janitors working the teleportation-device room back on earth are going to have a fun surprise waiting for them.
They're stranded on planet Bear, they can't teleport back, and there are space bears trying to eat them to death.
"This place is pretty much paradise"
Holy SHIT! He did not just fucking say that! This is just too good to be true! Alright, give me a second here, let me savor it…
Ahem *Clears throat*
Paradise? More like . . .BEARADISE! AGGHHH YA YA YA YA YA!!!! YES!
"So how does an extinct bear come to get on this planet"
Thanks, Sean Patrick Flannery, I was just about to ask that.
"Somehow it's DNA sequence regressed"
That doesn't really answer the question. You see, no earth-bound species could be on an alien planet 20 million light-years away from earth that man has never come into contact with before. So…ok, then.
Space Bears Attack!
Space Bears Untack!
Human drama rears its ugly head once more. Greedy businessman with ulterior motives, budding romantic interests between two of the lead characters, conflicts within the group. Seriously, dude, get to the fucking Space Bears.
Watch your shit, lady! Space Bears are on the prowl!
Bitch, you ain't killin no Space Bear with no 9 millimeter. Hahaha! I mock your piteous attempts at self-preservation!
There's a seismic shift! The planets gonna fucking esplode, yo!
The whole planet! Seriously?! No fucking way!
Yeah, dude, the whole goddamn planet!
You've gotta be fucking kidding me!
I'm for seriously, man. The planets gonna fucking fulminate similarly to that dudes head in Scanners!
Holy shit, Scanners, I love that flick.
It's decent, but certainly not Cronenberg's best.
Yeah, but Michael Ironside was fucking creepy in it.
You ain't lyin!
Wait, Space Bears!
What, where!?
That bear might as well have just raped that dude. Seriously, that's how hard he just got owned by that bear. That bears claws might as well have been giant fury dicks with razor sharp talons attached to the tips. Man, I just creeped myself out.
These bears are weak. They just stand there making scary faces, letting themselves get shot. Way to disgrace the title of "space bear" you space bears in name only bears.
Ok, what's happening? Planets exploding, abundant space bears, traitorous corporate fat-cat. Am I missing anything? Probably, but I don't care.
There're fish? Alien fish? Aww shit, things just keep getting worse and worse.
Now the planets exploding more! DAMN!
Redundancy: Telling someone not to look down after twice telling them to look up. If I were there I would look down just out of spite.
Wow, they just pretty blatantly allowed that Space Bear to drag off their teammate into the forest and eat her. Apparently it was "too late" even though it had only bitten her leg and she was still alive and presumably only about 9 feet away.
"They're bears, damnit!"
Not JUST bears. Apparently they're mutated, super smart, prehistoric space bears. Get your facts straight, douche.
Ha! They ripped her in half and buried her alive! That's what I like to see from my Space Bears!
He's got a stick and a knife, what he needs to do is attach the knife to the stick, then climb a tree and just poke at the bears as they approach. I remember this one time I was cornered by a pack of Kodiak bears down in Juneau, I did the exact same thing and was able to hold them off until a group of back-packers came by, then I stabbed them in the ankles and made my escape while the bears were feasting upon their viscera. You gotta be resourceful like that living in Alaska.
Shoot that bear! Shoot it full of holes you bearicidal madman, you!
So, they're on the exploding planet, bursting at the seems with Space Bears, and now they're trying to teleport off somehow, but that corporate fat-cat stole the circuit board, I think. So they can't leave. And they were actually there in the first place to do something that they didn't think that they were there to do in the first place, so they're all pissed and stuff about that.
You goddamn fat-cat! I can't wait to see this guy get Space Bear'ed.
Yes! That fat-cat got Space Bear'ed all to fuck and it was everything I dreamt it would be!
Yeah, that's pretty much what it's like to get Space Bear'ed
That Space Bear just ripped off Sean Patrick Flannery's foot! Pretty incredible, seeing as Sean Patrick Flannery's skin and bones are at least 14 times stronger than a mortal man's
Yay! That green goo re-grew Sean Patrick Flannery's foot. Good for him! The green goo is the key to the survival of earth, they escaped bear-planet alive, and they're in love and rich and all kinds of happy shit. What a fantastic ending. I wonder if my porn's done downloading.
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