The Howling 2...Your Sister is a Werewolf: Real Time Review

The Howling 2...Your Sister is a Werewolf: Real Time Review

Premise: Werewolves, orgies, epic battles between the forces of good and evil, midgets, Christopher Lee; Basically everything Lord of the Rings wanted to be.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089308/


I knew it! Earth werewolves come from space!!!

And so does Christopher Lee!

I'm not sure what that skeleton is doing there.

Funny, that doesn’t look like Dee Wallace, but it’s supposed to be her character from the original The Howling, so I guess it must be Dee Wallace. Either that or they got some random, blonde actress to play her dead body so as to have some loose, half assed connection with the first movie…but that would be cheating.

Yeah, pretty sure that's not Dee Wallace

Christopher Lee’s presence can add dignity and respectability to even the most hopelessly inept of …Oh my Lord, what the hell is he wearing?!

That's what!

Man, Christopher Lee should have worn that outfit in all of his old movies. Dracula, Rasputin, The Wicker Man; can you just imagine?

Damn this 80’s rock music!!! Stop moving feet! I said stop! Don’t make me cut you off!

Oh no! It’s an 80’s hobbit with a switchblade and a broken fly!

“Your sister is a werewolf!”
Damn, Christopher Lee, couldn’t you have broken it to ‘em softly?

This girl seems to be accepting the whole werewolf thing without resistance. Oh well, if Christopher Lee told me I was actually a Bio-mechanical Cyborg, engineered by Platypus scientists from the year 2128 and sent to the past to destroy the great state of Ohio I’d probably believe him.

Dude, I’m sorry, but this music is actually genuinely badass. It’s not like Gwen Stefani bullshit or something, where it sucks, but you can’t get it out of your head. This song just straight-up fucking rocks, dude.

Awesome.

“You want a story? Lets go find it.” While you’re at it why don’t you try to find you some acting skills, too!!! HAHAHAHA!!!! Acting skills! Cause he’s a shitty actor.

Why does it look like those trees are growing leaves from their trunks? Naw, I think it was just branches hanging down.

So, they’re chasing a wounded werewolf, and this dude picks up a net that looks like it was made by stringing together really long shoelaces. The werewolf falls to the ground in exhaustion and the guy drops the net on top of it. Yeah, that’ll hold ‘em! If the werewolf is to weak to wrestle its way out of that net then I doubt it would be going anywhere anyway.

A bunch of werewolves in human form are standing around a fire wearing bondage gear and chanting as an old woman sucks the life force from a demonic looking corpse and then transforms into Sybil Danning. Hot!

Before

After

Wow, Philippe Mora is a fucking madman.

Here we have the first of hopefully many werewolf orgy scenes. Well, this one is just a werewolf three-way. I think I remember a full-blown werewolf orgy later in the movie.

Just fucking TRY to tell me that this doesn't turn you on.

A werewolf-fighting midget? This movie just went up about 4.7 notches on my Cool-O-Meter, which puts it at about a…14.7 on my Cool-O-Meter.

“I don’t have any patience” You don’t have any acting skills, either! HAHAHAHA!! No acting skills! Because he’s such a shitty actor, see?

Why would they cover Sybil Danning’s tits with hair?! You can’t even see ‘em now. Outrageous!

Are these werewolves high? I dare you to watch this movie and tell me they don’t look fucked up to you.

That midget throws a mean dagger.

Now that midget hit a dude over the head with a club. He’s just fucking these bitches up left and right. He’s a goddamn Dynamo, I tells ya! Jesus, I’m sorry for every bad thing I’ve ever said about midgets.

What the hell is wrong with these werewolves all the time? They’re always screaming and biting each other, even when they’re not having an orgy.

Those are some groovy sunglasses.

Sybil Danning was chanting some crazy slut-wolf wizardry, then that werewolf fighting-midget was flailing about, spazing out and just generally flipping his shit all over the goddamn place and then Sybil Danning started shooting these goddamn yellow laser fucking beams (LASER BEAMS!)!! from her fuckin fingers-tips like Mr Sinister from X-Men the Animated Series! And her pimp-cape started glowing and shit! Then she started howling and the midget started shooting blood out his fuckin nostrils like a goddamn faucet and then BOOM - his motherfuckin eyes exploded all to fuckity fucking shit with a sickening “PLISHPLGloOOjShh” kind of noise. Ah, man…that was exciting.

Chanting!

Flailing!

Cape!

Bleeding!

Lasers!

Explosion!

Apparently that midget came back to life as a minion of Sybil Danning (AKA: Wonder tits- AKA: Stirba the Furry Titted Wolf Queen). Or was that a different midget? I can’t tell. All midgets look the same to me.

So that midget cut Christopher Lee’s arm, then that one guy with the zero acting skillz (with a Z, bitches) tossed his midgity zombie ass out a window. He then fell onto some spikes that were on the ground for some reason.

Holy shit!

Here we go. This is what I’ve been waiting for. A full-blown orgy of werewolves. There’s hair covered boners and she-wolves with six tits and all kinds of freaky shit! Is it wrong that I have an erection? If it is, I don’t wanna be right.

Is that guy doing a hand-stand?

Wow, what must it have been like shooting this scene? “You, lady with the ears, moan loader! You, with the hairy tits, more gyrating! Hey, get your furry ass out of the way, you’re blocking the money shot!”

I made that stuff up about the multi-titted werewolves and the furry boners, what I didn’t make up was my erection. Which just won’t seem to go away…

So what exactly does Cybil Danning do besides oversee massive werewolf orgies and chant little people’s eyes into exploding? She does have a cool stick that she carries around; I take it that it (coupled with her massive tits) is what gives her, her power.

It looks like they’re being attacked by a pack of ravenous big feet. Oh, I guess those are werewolves.

A werewolf on human battle scene consisting almost exclusively of shots of axes rending hairy flesh.

Those werewolves were fucking weak!

These werewolves are extremely inconsistent. One second they’re full blown werewolves covered in hair with elongated snouts, the next second they look like the vampires from Buffy. Sometimes they die from being shot with normal bullets, sometimes it takes Titanium spikes (?) to kill them, sometimes silver. Fuck it. I really only sat through this much to get to the werewolves fucking, anyway.

This guy’s having some kind of fucked up werewolf paroxysm. He’s making all kinds of noises and his sideburns have grown to a disturbing length. They’re practically threatening to envelope his entire head. Christ, those are some scary sideburns.

The top of Cybil Danning’s Demon Stick came to life, flew through the air and stuck its tail down an old priest’s throat until he died. Wow! That made sense!

Haha! I lied, that didn’t make any sense at all…and neither does this…

So this werewolf was having a seizure and his werewolf girlfriend was chasing him around whipping him with a cat o’ nine tails, and they were both screaming like freakish banshees. Just another scene that I’ve found troublingly arousing in a movie that has consisted almost entirely of such moments.

Apparently when Sybil Danning’s demon bat monster shoved its tail down that guy’s mouth it impregnated him, because just now another little flying demon monster just came out of him. I think it’s safe to assume Philippe Mora was constantly on a cocktail of LSD, shrooms and mescaline while shooting this movie. And God bless him for it!

And now Christopher Lee did some shit, and I guess the werewolves have been defeated.

I'm really not sure what the fuck is going on anymore.

So I wonder if one of the pieces of direction Mora gave his actors was to always act like a fucking creep.

I wonder if there’s anywhere I could download this song. This movie has basically forcibly addicted me to it, like a pimp forcibly addicting his Ho’s to heroin.

You might as well skip the movie and watch the ending credits. You get all the best parts: the theme song, exploding midget eyes and of course Cybil Danning’s tits x17.

TITS!

Actually, I think I like em' better with the hair.