Premise: Zombies. Lake. You do the math.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0081027/
Oh, fuck yeah! Just jump right into it, don’t even warm up or anything! Opening credits and already this chick is totally fucking naked. Bush, tits AND ass! This movie is going to be awesome!
All right, there’s the lake, but where’s the zombie?
Oh, there he is.
It’s good to know being dead hasn’t diminished this zombie’s sense of melodrama.
Or his proficiency at drowning hot, female, skinny dippers
“She said she was going out to the lake” Which lake? Zombie Lake? Is that the lake you’re talking about? You know there’re zombies out there, don’t you?
“If she doesn’t turn up by tomorrow I’ll call the police” Just tell everyone there’s a hot lady minus her clothes missing out there somewhere. That ought to get the townsfolk moving.
So, the green lake zombie all of a sudden just decides to go for a stroll through the village and drink people’s blood?
Yeah, maybe an autopsy will uncover why she spontaneously started leaking red colored liquid from no discernable source on her neck.
My table looks lopsided.
The lake of Ghosts? I thought it was called Zombie Lake! What the fuck is this about?
It’s only been a few minutes since his last appearance, but I’m already starting to miss that green, aquatic, blood hungry lake zombie.
Otherworldly phenomena? Like zombies that live in lakes for example?
It’s called The Lake of the Damned? I don’t know, I like Zombie Lake a lot better. It’s less cryptic and it sounds cooler. With Lake of the Damned you don’t know what kind of damned you’re going to get.
And did he say that its real name is The Goddamn Lake? Did I hear that wrong? Wow, what lazy fucker would name a lake that?
“What should we call that goddamn lake over there?”
“I don’t fucking know…”
Flashback to war torn Europe. The horror! People randomly falling down, getting lit on fire and then standing back up again, others grabbing their faces and passing out, the sound of planes flying overhead and explosions and other things of that nature. War truly is hell.
Are these guys supposed to be Nazis or what?
I’ve got some questions, but there’re tits on screen so I’ll just put those on hold for a bit.
This is fascinating. Really and truly it is.
They fell in love, fucked in a barn and now she’s dying. How this leads to amphibious zombies, I don’t know.
The Nazis have been ambushed and killed by a bunch of French villagers.
"Croisillon vous-même pour le pwnage, nazi !"Now, why on earth would a nazi soldier have a clear plastic tube filled with some kind of red liquid running through his shirt? Oh, I see, it must have been some kind of nazi cyborg. Or maybe the tube was injecting adrenaline into his blood stream to make him an unstoppable fighting machine. If that was indeed the plan it sure fell through, I guess the brains over at nazi HQ didn’t take into account the debilitating effects of being shot in the face.
Your tube is showing.What the FUCK?! I can’t even wrap my mind around what’s going on here. All of a sudden a van pulls up to the lake and a female volleyball team emerges, after one of their number tentatively tests the water’s temperature with her foot and gives the “All good” sign by jumping up and down and squealing like a retard they all strip totally naked 
Score!
Score!and start frolicking like a bunch of fucking water nymphs or some shit. All the while this infuriatingly up beat music is playing that goes something like this “La la la la la la la”. Then some undead aquanazi’s rise from the depths, grab the volleyball players and start molesting the shit out of them.
"Splashing is fun! Yay!"
"Let's splash some more! Yay!"
"Holy shit!"Basketball players? I’m no ballologist or anything but I’m pretty sure that was a volleyball they were carrying.
Aw, isn’t that sweet, a father and daughter finally reunited. The father may be a cucumber colored nazi zombie who’s been living under a fucking lake for a decade, but, yeah, quite touching indeed.
"Oh god, it's touching me!"I’m gonna start calling this zombie Hank, I don’t know, he just looks like a Hank to me. Hank the Wide eyed Nazi Aquazombie and his illegitimate love child.
Hank!And how is this dead assholes hair still perfect after he’s been dead under water for years?
The zombies rose from their watery grave to squeeze and bite to death these two French inspectors that were investigating the (not so) mysterious deaths of all the hot naked women of the village.
"Don't fight it, I just want to love you!"
"You smell amazing, what kind of cologne is that?"There they go with the blood drinking again.
Apparently this zombie is not a fan of this bar’s décor.
"No, damnit! The armoire should be on the other side of the bar!"Yeah, that’s the thing about nazi’s. You can scream and stand around but you can’t run or hide. Well…you probably could, but you don’t. Wow, these people are fucking stupid.
So I guess these frenchies weren’t aware that no matter what, whenever you kill a nazi, do not throw him into a body of water. Otherwise the water will react with the nazi DNA and, over the course of several years, will reanimate the nazi as a green, blood drinking, shambling fiends!
These zombies are gonna blitzkrieg your shitty little village. It will be a marathon of hot naked women screaming and standing still as green water nazi’s bite and fondle them to death.
I don’t see how the nazi’s could persecute other races. They’re green for fuck’s sake. Freaks.
They should have cut all the other bullshit out and focused entirely on this subplot about the dead nazi trying to reconnect with his estranged love child. It could have been a touching family dramedy like that one with George Clooney. (Was that George Clooney, or am I thinking of someone else?) Yeah, I can just picture it; They’d go shopping, to the carnival, maybe a baseball game or some shit like that. Then when things are at their best Hanks filthy whore of a wife comes back from the dead and they go to court over custody of the kid. When things look their bleakest Hank will win everyone’s hearts by standing up and delivering a stirring monologue, only minus the “logue” because I don’t think Hank can talk, so instead he just stares at the judge and stands around looking back and forth from the jury to the judge for about 2 minutes with that unnearving stare of his
until he weirds everyone out enough to grant him custody rights, at which point Hank will proceed to drink his two timing ex’s blood and he and his daughter will live happily ever after.Oh, now the zombies are knife fighting
Fuck em’ up, Hank! YEAH!
"Let's do this"
"Bring it!"This fight scene is absolutely thrilling. Well, actually, that’s a filthy lie, because it’s not. Here’s why: they’re zombies! And not the super fast, crazy kind of zombies like from Zombi 3, either. Those guys were nuts what with the jumping through the air, and running and punching and so on. These guys are stiff, uncoordinated and slow. Watching them fight each other is like watching… I don’t know, like watching two zombies fight each other?
Is that one nazi zombie trying to strangle the other nazi zombie? He’s a fucking zombie, dude! Jesus.
This is going to take a while.Shazatza! The zombies are here motherfuckers! YEAH!
I’m amazed at Hanks ability to keep his eyes open so wide for so long, even underwater.
"12 dollars, and I'll throw in the necklace"“She went on a walk with her dad…her NAZI ZOMBIE DAD!!!!”
*GASP*
“We created these monstrous zombies”
They were nazi’s, they had it coming.
“I think I know how you feel, Helena”
So, your father was a dead, nazi, zombie, that lived underwater and ate naked volleyball players, too?
Ok, so the master plan is to lure the zombies into a barn with a bunch of free blood and then light them on fire. That seems pretty simple. Actually, why do they even have to lure them into the barn in the first place? Every day they all walk down the middle of town together in a group at .5 miles an hour. It’d be easy enough to light them on fire there.
How do these zombies decide when to rise from the depths to wreak havoc upon the living? They seem to come out once a day, is it the same time every day? If not, how do they all agree upon a time? I don’t think they can talk. Do they use sign language?
Hank: “Dude, there's free blood in this barn. Sweet!"
Zombie 2: “Whoa, whoa, whoa...hold on a minute here”
Hank: "What? What is it, dude? I'm trying to drink blood here"Zombie 2: “Well, think about it. Why would there be a bucket of blood just sitting here? Where'd it come from? Maybe it's a trap?”Hank: "Wow, bro, you're fucking paranoid. Chill out. Here, have some blood.Zombie 2: "Uhh...yeah, I guess you're right. Still think it's weird, though."2 minutes later
Hank: “Oh, fuck, they lit us on fire!”
Zombie 2: “I fucking told you!”The End
1 comment:
Man, I just might have to watch this movie. While reading your recaps, of course. Love it.
alicedotcom
Post a Comment