Zombie Lake: Real Time Review

Zombie Lake: Real Time Review

Premise: Zombies. Lake. You do the math.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0081027/


Oh, fuck yeah! Just jump right into it, don’t even warm up or anything! Opening credits and already this chick is totally fucking naked. Bush, tits AND ass! This movie is going to be awesome!

All right, there’s the lake, but where’s the zombie?

Oh, there he is.

It’s good to know being dead hasn’t diminished this zombie’s sense of melodrama.

Or his proficiency at drowning hot, female, skinny dippers

“She said she was going out to the lake” Which lake? Zombie Lake? Is that the lake you’re talking about? You know there’re zombies out there, don’t you?

“If she doesn’t turn up by tomorrow I’ll call the police” Just tell everyone there’s a hot lady minus her clothes missing out there somewhere. That ought to get the townsfolk moving.

So, the green lake zombie all of a sudden just decides to go for a stroll through the village and drink people’s blood?

Yeah, maybe an autopsy will uncover why she spontaneously started leaking red colored liquid from no discernable source on her neck.

My table looks lopsided.

The lake of Ghosts? I thought it was called Zombie Lake! What the fuck is this about?

It’s only been a few minutes since his last appearance, but I’m already starting to miss that green, aquatic, blood hungry lake zombie.

Otherworldly phenomena? Like zombies that live in lakes for example?

It’s called The Lake of the Damned? I don’t know, I like Zombie Lake a lot better. It’s less cryptic and it sounds cooler. With Lake of the Damned you don’t know what kind of damned you’re going to get.

And did he say that its real name is The Goddamn Lake? Did I hear that wrong? Wow, what lazy fucker would name a lake that?
“What should we call that goddamn lake over there?”
“I don’t fucking know…”

Flashback to war torn Europe. The horror! People randomly falling down, getting lit on fire and then standing back up again, others grabbing their faces and passing out, the sound of planes flying overhead and explosions and other things of that nature. War truly is hell.

Are these guys supposed to be Nazis or what?

I’ve got some questions, but there’re tits on screen so I’ll just put those on hold for a bit.

This is fascinating. Really and truly it is.

They fell in love, fucked in a barn and now she’s dying. How this leads to amphibious zombies, I don’t know.

The Nazis have been ambushed and killed by a bunch of French villagers.

"Croisillon vous-même pour le pwnage, nazi !"

Now, why on earth would a nazi soldier have a clear plastic tube filled with some kind of red liquid running through his shirt? Oh, I see, it must have been some kind of nazi cyborg. Or maybe the tube was injecting adrenaline into his blood stream to make him an unstoppable fighting machine. If that was indeed the plan it sure fell through, I guess the brains over at nazi HQ didn’t take into account the debilitating effects of being shot in the face.

Your tube is showing.

So, I guess the zombies are Nazis that the villagers killed during World War II and threw in a lake. I’m not sure why they came back from the dead, must be that crazy Nazi wizardry you’re always reading about.

What the FUCK?! I can’t even wrap my mind around what’s going on here. All of a sudden a van pulls up to the lake and a female volleyball team emerges, after one of their number tentatively tests the water’s temperature with her foot and gives the “All good” sign by jumping up and down and squealing like a retard they all strip totally naked Score!

and start frolicking like a bunch of fucking water nymphs or some shit. All the while this infuriatingly up beat music is playing that goes something like this “La la la la la la la”. Then some undead aquanazi’s rise from the depths, grab the volleyball players and start molesting the shit out of them.

"Splashing is fun! Yay!"

"Let's splash some more! Yay!"

"Holy shit!"

Basketball players? I’m no ballologist or anything but I’m pretty sure that was a volleyball they were carrying.

Aw, isn’t that sweet, a father and daughter finally reunited. The father may be a cucumber colored nazi zombie who’s been living under a fucking lake for a decade, but, yeah, quite touching indeed.

"Oh god, it's touching me!"

I’m gonna start calling this zombie Hank, I don’t know, he just looks like a Hank to me. Hank the Wide eyed Nazi Aquazombie and his illegitimate love child.

Hank!

And how is this dead assholes hair still perfect after he’s been dead under water for years?

The zombies rose from their watery grave to squeeze and bite to death these two French inspectors that were investigating the (not so) mysterious deaths of all the hot naked women of the village.

"Don't fight it, I just want to love you!"

"You smell amazing, what kind of cologne is that?"

Now they’re marching through the village hell-bent on…walking around a bunch, I guess.

There they go with the blood drinking again.

Apparently this zombie is not a fan of this bar’s décor.

"No, damnit! The armoire should be on the other side of the bar!"

Yeah, that’s the thing about nazi’s. You can scream and stand around but you can’t run or hide. Well…you probably could, but you don’t. Wow, these people are fucking stupid.

So I guess these frenchies weren’t aware that no matter what, whenever you kill a nazi, do not throw him into a body of water. Otherwise the water will react with the nazi DNA and, over the course of several years, will reanimate the nazi as a green, blood drinking, shambling fiends!

These zombies are gonna blitzkrieg your shitty little village. It will be a marathon of hot naked women screaming and standing still as green water nazi’s bite and fondle them to death.

I don’t see how the nazi’s could persecute other races. They’re green for fuck’s sake. Freaks.

They should have cut all the other bullshit out and focused entirely on this subplot about the dead nazi trying to reconnect with his estranged love child. It could have been a touching family dramedy like that one with George Clooney. (Was that George Clooney, or am I thinking of someone else?) Yeah, I can just picture it; They’d go shopping, to the carnival, maybe a baseball game or some shit like that. Then when things are at their best Hanks filthy whore of a wife comes back from the dead and they go to court over custody of the kid. When things look their bleakest Hank will win everyone’s hearts by standing up and delivering a stirring monologue, only minus the “logue” because I don’t think Hank can talk, so instead he just stares at the judge and stands around looking back and forth from the jury to the judge for about 2 minutes with that unnearving stare of his until he weirds everyone out enough to grant him custody rights, at which point Hank will proceed to drink his two timing ex’s blood and he and his daughter will live happily ever after.

Oh, now the zombies are knife fighting

Fuck em’ up, Hank! YEAH!

"Let's do this"

"Bring it!"

This is the most inept knife fight I’ve ever seen. So much for Nazi Aquazombies supposed knife-fighting prowess. These guys ain’t showing me shit.

This fight scene is absolutely thrilling. Well, actually, that’s a filthy lie, because it’s not. Here’s why: they’re zombies! And not the super fast, crazy kind of zombies like from Zombi 3, either. Those guys were nuts what with the jumping through the air, and running and punching and so on. These guys are stiff, uncoordinated and slow. Watching them fight each other is like watching… I don’t know, like watching two zombies fight each other?

Is that one nazi zombie trying to strangle the other nazi zombie? He’s a fucking zombie, dude! Jesus.

This is going to take a while.

Shazatza! The zombies are here motherfuckers! YEAH!

I’m amazed at Hanks ability to keep his eyes open so wide for so long, even underwater.

"12 dollars, and I'll throw in the necklace"

“Where’s Helena?”
“She went on a walk with her dad…her NAZI ZOMBIE DAD!!!!”
*GASP*

“We created these monstrous zombies”
They were nazi’s, they had it coming.

“I think I know how you feel, Helena”
So, your father was a dead, nazi, zombie, that lived underwater and ate naked volleyball players, too?

Ok, so the master plan is to lure the zombies into a barn with a bunch of free blood and then light them on fire. That seems pretty simple. Actually, why do they even have to lure them into the barn in the first place? Every day they all walk down the middle of town together in a group at .5 miles an hour. It’d be easy enough to light them on fire there.

How do these zombies decide when to rise from the depths to wreak havoc upon the living? They seem to come out once a day, is it the same time every day? If not, how do they all agree upon a time? I don’t think they can talk. Do they use sign language?

Hank: “Dude, there's free blood in this barn. Sweet!"

Zombie 2: “Whoa, whoa, whoa...hold on a minute here”

Hank: "What? What is it, dude? I'm trying to drink blood here"

Zombie 2: “Well, think about it. Why would there be a bucket of blood just sitting here? Where'd it come from? Maybe it's a trap?”

Hank: "Wow, bro, you're fucking paranoid. Chill out. Here, have some blood.

Zombie 2: "Uhh...yeah, I guess you're right. Still think it's weird, though."

2 minutes later

Hank: “Oh, fuck, they lit us on fire!”

Zombie 2: “I fucking told you!”

The End

Hard Rock Zombies: Real Time Review

Hard Rock Zombies: Real Time Review

Premise: Hard rock zombies rock hard, fight Hitler, kill midgets and are also zombies.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089254/


It’s wonderful to finally meet you Hard Rock Zombies, I’ve heard so much about you. No, no, all good, honest. Yes, very much so. Haha, Oh, you’re so silly. I think we’re going to get along just fine…

They’re on a highway of some sort. To hell, perhaps? Eh, judging by the foliage I’d say they’re closer to Wisconsin.

Dancing midgets?! male AND female nudity?! Deformed dancing midgets!? Corpse fondling?! Sweet cocks in heaven!

Right, just to make you horribly depressed, I’m going to describe to you what just transpired: Two men driving, in a car no less, pick up a hitch-hiking woman. They drive to a lake, strip nude and go swimming. Deformed demon dancing midgets watch while some loony fuck takes pictures. One of the midgets looks like a Muppet born with fetal alcohol syndrome that by some cosmic tragedy lived far longer than it had any right to. The woman begins drowning the men, and then presumably crushes one’s torso with her bare hands while he’s under water. That lunatic and his dancing midget monster minions are watching and taking pictures still. Then the midgets play with the guys dead body, the chick cuts his hand off, rubs it on her face and starts singing. There, now go kill yourself, you missed it and you’ll never be able to see it. It’s gone forever. Your life is meaningless.

“Well, come on!”

Aww, I don’t wanna…

“Put your hands together!”

Stop telling me what to do!

This isn’t hard rock. This isn’t even firm, stiff or solid rock. And I don’t see any zombies either. I’m so disillusioned…I need to grow a mustache!

This song has well and truly worn out it’s welcome. Just how much can you shake, shake, shake it off, baby, anyway? I mean, really?

This is the bitchninest guitar solo I’ve heard this side of Dragon Force!

Now the entire band is inexplicably all in their underwear in a big room together. And what interesting choices of underwear indeed. I’m beginning to think these men may not be as straight as they first appear…

Their lead singer has a mullet and a mustache. His name is Mulletstache, from what I’ve been able to gather thus far.

“Sign those luscious nubile underage tits, man!” Even the fact that he had to be told…

“Soon I’ll be mormon and you’ll ALL be my wives!” Eh, if he was gonna he would have done it by now.

Alright: crazy bitches, midgets, fucked up town, ambiguously gay 80’s rock band, ominous warning not to play a show in the fucked up town but they are anyway. Check. I’m on track.

What’s this bands name, anyway? I don’t think one has been presented. Well, I need to call them something. How about…The Flaming Wangabees! Yeah, that’s it!

A book? Yeah! A B-O-O-o-o-O-o-O-O-K

They used music in the Middle Ages to raise the dead? If I’m not mistaken, a ritual of that variety may very well result in zombies. Zombies made of rocks, rocks that would invariably be hard…it’s all coming together.

Aw, fuck-nuts! The midgets are back!

Haha, he gave that fucker a hand, all right! Literally! Sort of. Fucken midgets.

This is just…inexplicable. So The Flaming Wangabees show up in town and thoroughly run amok with their wacky hi-jinks and shenanigans. Seriously, if there was a book on amok running, hi-jinks and shenanigans, it would be written by these wonderful homosexuals. They run such an amok through this peaceful Midwestern, midget ridden, town, that all of the women are turned into instant screaming nymphomaniacs while all the men can do is watch, chewing on toothpicks, utterly perturbed and perplexed by the blatant showing of wacky amok running, growing ever the more agitated with every scene of disco dancing,

"You! Yeah, you! What the fuck did you just say to us?"

silly photo taking,


miming,

"What? What the...My god, I'm trapped!"

skateboarding, posing, walking in single file lines for short distances followed immediately by even more spontaneous and random disco dancing.

"Don't you turn your back on us, you son of a bitch! YAGGHH!"

"I'm perturbed!"

One guy even did that thing where you jump into the air and clap your feet together. Yeah, like that.

Ever try that? I did, and I fell over. Just goes to show how adept these fellows are at their shenaniganizing. You can tell they’ve had much practice. Did I mention this is all a montage? And it’s set to music that would best be described as…umm…shitty? Yeah, that’ll do. Awesome.

That mustachioed mullet monster just got told the fuck off. Serves him right. Fucking shenanigans.

Now he’s in love with a girl who looks maybe 16 at the oldest named Cassie. Seriously, this guy has some weird sexual hang ups. First he’s gay, now he’s into underage girls. He must have been molested as a child.

Who the fuck wears an ascot? Seriously?

Mulletstache: “Your neat”
Cassie: “No I’m not”
Mulletstache: “Yeah, y’ar”
Cassie: “No I’m not”
Mulletstache: “Yeah y’ar”
Cassie: “No I’m not”
Mulletstache: “YES YOU FUCKING Y’AR!!!”

They were arrested, presumably for running amok in a public thoroughfare without the proper licensing.

Oh god! Old people fucking! Old german people fucking! Now the demon midgets want to get in on that action? This is like if David Lynch made a porn flick.

Their instruments were booby-trapped! They’re being electrocuted! That is so fucking metal!

“My national enquirer says musicians can’t play a single note unless they eat drugs first!” They could, but it’d sound like shit.

Self…abuse? This old man seems to be having trouble grasping the concept at first, once he understands, though, he starts making exaggerated wanking off motions with his hand and goes into a diatribe about a goat, then he pantomimes exactly what it was he did with said goat. I dunno, that sounds more like goat abuse to me.

The psycho chick from the beginning of the movie hops into a shower. Eager to get down with some penetration, one of the members of the Flaming Wangabees hops in with her (obviously trying to prove something to himself…) only to get more penetration than he bargained for when she stabs him. A shitload.

Wait a minute, where did she hide that knife in the shower?

And now, BAM, an old woman (Who I’m assuming is Eva Braun) just turned into a werewolf! Then, BAM, Braunwolf just busted out duel switchblades (That’s fucking two, bitches!) and disemboweled a man! BAM!

The visage of inevitable destruction

Meanwhile the townsfolk are destroying every rock and or roll record they can find with hammers and the shower chick is dancing out somewhere in the desert. Must be her post stabbing ritual or something?

Now the fearless mullet-beast/front man of the Flaming Wangabees is being chased by a psycho armed with a weed-whacker and throwing knives! Haha! Now he’s dead. This movie rocks. Hard. Now we just need some fucking zombies.

Oh. Now…Hitler? What in the name of the moose that lives in my back yard is going on right now? Hitler’s alive? And he’s trying to take over the world? Again?

The Flaming Wangabees have all been brutally slain. Must all be part of Hitler’s nefarious plot to…?

Ah, there’re the Rock Hard Zombies! Time to open up good old fashioned American hard rock inspired ass whupping on those filthy Nazis. And their pet midgets, too!

Jesus Christ! There’s 40 more minutes of running time? The movie’s only half over? I can’t make it, this is just too much hard rocking zombies all at once for me to handle. I need a break.

Alright, it’s been about 18 hours and I’m ready! Ready to rock! Hard! With Zombies! Yeah!

They magically came back from the dead. Now they’re zombies, And they’re doing the robot!

Sweet vengeance! They’re killing everyone! It’s a hideous montage of dancing 80’s zombies brutally murdering all who oppose them!

For some reason their gait is remarkably similar to that of the common household robot. Were they robots before? Then they came back as zombies?



Once again, Rock & Roll saves the day…from Hitler. And werewolves. And midgets.

“What is it?”
“The farm! Hitler! Nazis!”
My God…not again…

It seems a refugee from the Ten Commandments has magically transported into the movie to explain everything about Hitler before dying for no reason.

“Will they hurt Jesse?”
“Jesse’s a big boy, he can take care of himself. Besides, he’s dead”

Eva Braunwolf is still alive, and now she’s a zombie, too! And Hitler’s returned once again, also as a zombie!

You thought he was bad when he was alive? You ain't seen shit!

Now you see what happens when you stand between Hitler-zombie and his heinous plot to…do…things? Nazi related things? I don’t know, the point is he’ll wrench your head right off your fucking shoulders then he and his werewolf old lady will have sex on your corpse, laughing! They actually didn’t do that last part, unfortunately. They were thinking about it though.

"What did you say about my mustache? How DARE you! Eat my rage, bitch!"

So, everyone killed by a zombie…becomes a zombie? Even midgets? Fascinating

Even after they’re long dead and have become zombies and murdered Hitler and Eva Braun and several midgets, still the only thing on their minds is rocking the ever-holy shit out of anyone unfortunate enough to be within hearing distance of their manic musical gyrations. Now that’s dedication.

Hate to break it to you, Mullet-machine, but Cassie’s a chick. Just thought you should know.

Hey you zombie fucks, my ears are still intact! You’re only rocking at a 28% success rate; copious ear bleeding doesn’t occur until you get to at least a 67% and until then, you ain’t showing me shit!

There’s only one thing worse than a nazi midget, and that’s a nazi midget zombie. Would midgets even be allowed to be Nazis? Maybe after the collapse of his nazi empire Hitler had to adopt more lenient standards.

“Ghouls hate heads, the way satan hates the church”
“So what do we do?”
I see where you're going with this, they all need to band together and build a church out of their own heads. Ingenious! Really, though, heads? Why? Did you just make that shit up to sound smart? Cause it’s working.

They’ve successfully moved up to 32% rockitude. Still not good enough, though.

This movie better end with The Flaming Wangabees rocking out with a song that is entirely composed of unanimous solos (Drum, bass and guitars) and the word “Skat-cheese” repeated in a high pitched shriek over and over again and played at such a speed that it sounds like nothing more than a constant, ear splitting buzz so intense that every characters head just fucking explodes.

“You can’t take that inside, I just washed the floor, it’s dripping!’
“Oh, I’m so sorry, he can just wait out here.
That’s her boy friends severed head she’s referring too. He was decapitated by a tiny terror I like to call Manfredo! The Undead Nazi Midget!

Manfredo has gone on a nazi-rage fueled bloodpage (Like a rampage, but alot more blood) through the country side that would best be described as “whimsically comical” involving him throwing severed heads at people and biting cows.

Go, Manfredo, GO!

The other Nazi Midget slave, the one that looks like a Muppet that’s been smoking meth every day for 12 years, is eating himself limb by limb.

Why? Because he's sterile and he likes the taste.

And now the townsfolk are being eaten by zombies, all the while the Flaming Wangabees play their show to their audience of one, utterly apathetic to the chaos that reigns down upon the town around them.

I never realized how cool leopard spotted pants really are until now.

And now ALL the zombies are on stage, dancing! It’s like Thriller, only with slightly fewer Nazis.

“The ghouls returned to their grave after ravaging a virgin in the moonlight at midnight, it’s the only way they have sex”
Wait, so your new plan is to find a virgin and hand her over to be gang-raped by zombies? Dude! I like the way you think!

They’re not interested in your money or your “contracts”! They were made to ROCK and by God, that’s what they’re gonna do!

There are just too many miraculously awesome set pieces to describe, here. I really can’t do this film justice.

Oh no, they’ve got Cassie! The 14 year old girl that the 28 year old zombie leader of the Flaming Wangabees is inexplicably in love with! And they’re going to “Tie her up and let all the ghouls screw her to death” I don’t think he wants “Ghouls he created screwing her to death” does he? No, he certainly does not. Time for these Hard Rocking zombie motherfuckers to finally prove their skills of Rocking the Fuck Out to the world with a song 98% composed of pure zombie DESTRUCTION! All we need is mass head explosions and my prediction has come to fruition!

They’re performing their song on a big rock out in the desert outside of a cave. Where do they hook up their amps you may ask? Real hard rock zombies don’t need things like electricity or Microphones or Amplifiers. Their music is so hard and rockin that it spills out over the land in a wave of pure badassitude akin to 90 billion hell spawned brain-hungry bat demons ravaging the entire country side with their razor sharp teeth of Rock and Roll and shooting Lava-blood out of their nostrils while all screaming in unison the lyrics for AC/DC’s Thunderstruck so loud that even deaf people’s brains scramble in their heads and shoot out of their nostrils!

All of the zombies have been lured into an underground complex where they’re being melted due to some kind of corrosive anti-zombie gas.

And Hitler meets his final end. Or has he…? Yes. Yes he has. His face fucking melted off, dude! Haha, ironic that Hitler is finally defeated by being locked in a gas chamber.

Pwned.

The Howling 2...Your Sister is a Werewolf: Real Time Review

The Howling 2...Your Sister is a Werewolf: Real Time Review

Premise: Werewolves, orgies, epic battles between the forces of good and evil, midgets, Christopher Lee; Basically everything Lord of the Rings wanted to be.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089308/


I knew it! Earth werewolves come from space!!!

And so does Christopher Lee!

I'm not sure what that skeleton is doing there.

Funny, that doesn’t look like Dee Wallace, but it’s supposed to be her character from the original The Howling, so I guess it must be Dee Wallace. Either that or they got some random, blonde actress to play her dead body so as to have some loose, half assed connection with the first movie…but that would be cheating.

Yeah, pretty sure that's not Dee Wallace

Christopher Lee’s presence can add dignity and respectability to even the most hopelessly inept of …Oh my Lord, what the hell is he wearing?!

That's what!

Man, Christopher Lee should have worn that outfit in all of his old movies. Dracula, Rasputin, The Wicker Man; can you just imagine?

Damn this 80’s rock music!!! Stop moving feet! I said stop! Don’t make me cut you off!

Oh no! It’s an 80’s hobbit with a switchblade and a broken fly!

“Your sister is a werewolf!”
Damn, Christopher Lee, couldn’t you have broken it to ‘em softly?

This girl seems to be accepting the whole werewolf thing without resistance. Oh well, if Christopher Lee told me I was actually a Bio-mechanical Cyborg, engineered by Platypus scientists from the year 2128 and sent to the past to destroy the great state of Ohio I’d probably believe him.

Dude, I’m sorry, but this music is actually genuinely badass. It’s not like Gwen Stefani bullshit or something, where it sucks, but you can’t get it out of your head. This song just straight-up fucking rocks, dude.

Awesome.

“You want a story? Lets go find it.” While you’re at it why don’t you try to find you some acting skills, too!!! HAHAHAHA!!!! Acting skills! Cause he’s a shitty actor.

Why does it look like those trees are growing leaves from their trunks? Naw, I think it was just branches hanging down.

So, they’re chasing a wounded werewolf, and this dude picks up a net that looks like it was made by stringing together really long shoelaces. The werewolf falls to the ground in exhaustion and the guy drops the net on top of it. Yeah, that’ll hold ‘em! If the werewolf is to weak to wrestle its way out of that net then I doubt it would be going anywhere anyway.

A bunch of werewolves in human form are standing around a fire wearing bondage gear and chanting as an old woman sucks the life force from a demonic looking corpse and then transforms into Sybil Danning. Hot!

Before

After

Wow, Philippe Mora is a fucking madman.

Here we have the first of hopefully many werewolf orgy scenes. Well, this one is just a werewolf three-way. I think I remember a full-blown werewolf orgy later in the movie.

Just fucking TRY to tell me that this doesn't turn you on.

A werewolf-fighting midget? This movie just went up about 4.7 notches on my Cool-O-Meter, which puts it at about a…14.7 on my Cool-O-Meter.

“I don’t have any patience” You don’t have any acting skills, either! HAHAHAHA!! No acting skills! Because he’s such a shitty actor, see?

Why would they cover Sybil Danning’s tits with hair?! You can’t even see ‘em now. Outrageous!

Are these werewolves high? I dare you to watch this movie and tell me they don’t look fucked up to you.

That midget throws a mean dagger.

Now that midget hit a dude over the head with a club. He’s just fucking these bitches up left and right. He’s a goddamn Dynamo, I tells ya! Jesus, I’m sorry for every bad thing I’ve ever said about midgets.

What the hell is wrong with these werewolves all the time? They’re always screaming and biting each other, even when they’re not having an orgy.

Those are some groovy sunglasses.

Sybil Danning was chanting some crazy slut-wolf wizardry, then that werewolf fighting-midget was flailing about, spazing out and just generally flipping his shit all over the goddamn place and then Sybil Danning started shooting these goddamn yellow laser fucking beams (LASER BEAMS!)!! from her fuckin fingers-tips like Mr Sinister from X-Men the Animated Series! And her pimp-cape started glowing and shit! Then she started howling and the midget started shooting blood out his fuckin nostrils like a goddamn faucet and then BOOM - his motherfuckin eyes exploded all to fuckity fucking shit with a sickening “PLISHPLGloOOjShh” kind of noise. Ah, man…that was exciting.

Chanting!

Flailing!

Cape!

Bleeding!

Lasers!

Explosion!

Apparently that midget came back to life as a minion of Sybil Danning (AKA: Wonder tits- AKA: Stirba the Furry Titted Wolf Queen). Or was that a different midget? I can’t tell. All midgets look the same to me.

So that midget cut Christopher Lee’s arm, then that one guy with the zero acting skillz (with a Z, bitches) tossed his midgity zombie ass out a window. He then fell onto some spikes that were on the ground for some reason.

Holy shit!

Here we go. This is what I’ve been waiting for. A full-blown orgy of werewolves. There’s hair covered boners and she-wolves with six tits and all kinds of freaky shit! Is it wrong that I have an erection? If it is, I don’t wanna be right.

Is that guy doing a hand-stand?

Wow, what must it have been like shooting this scene? “You, lady with the ears, moan loader! You, with the hairy tits, more gyrating! Hey, get your furry ass out of the way, you’re blocking the money shot!”

I made that stuff up about the multi-titted werewolves and the furry boners, what I didn’t make up was my erection. Which just won’t seem to go away…

So what exactly does Cybil Danning do besides oversee massive werewolf orgies and chant little people’s eyes into exploding? She does have a cool stick that she carries around; I take it that it (coupled with her massive tits) is what gives her, her power.

It looks like they’re being attacked by a pack of ravenous big feet. Oh, I guess those are werewolves.

A werewolf on human battle scene consisting almost exclusively of shots of axes rending hairy flesh.

Those werewolves were fucking weak!

These werewolves are extremely inconsistent. One second they’re full blown werewolves covered in hair with elongated snouts, the next second they look like the vampires from Buffy. Sometimes they die from being shot with normal bullets, sometimes it takes Titanium spikes (?) to kill them, sometimes silver. Fuck it. I really only sat through this much to get to the werewolves fucking, anyway.

This guy’s having some kind of fucked up werewolf paroxysm. He’s making all kinds of noises and his sideburns have grown to a disturbing length. They’re practically threatening to envelope his entire head. Christ, those are some scary sideburns.

The top of Cybil Danning’s Demon Stick came to life, flew through the air and stuck its tail down an old priest’s throat until he died. Wow! That made sense!

Haha! I lied, that didn’t make any sense at all…and neither does this…

So this werewolf was having a seizure and his werewolf girlfriend was chasing him around whipping him with a cat o’ nine tails, and they were both screaming like freakish banshees. Just another scene that I’ve found troublingly arousing in a movie that has consisted almost entirely of such moments.

Apparently when Sybil Danning’s demon bat monster shoved its tail down that guy’s mouth it impregnated him, because just now another little flying demon monster just came out of him. I think it’s safe to assume Philippe Mora was constantly on a cocktail of LSD, shrooms and mescaline while shooting this movie. And God bless him for it!

And now Christopher Lee did some shit, and I guess the werewolves have been defeated.

I'm really not sure what the fuck is going on anymore.

So I wonder if one of the pieces of direction Mora gave his actors was to always act like a fucking creep.

I wonder if there’s anywhere I could download this song. This movie has basically forcibly addicted me to it, like a pimp forcibly addicting his Ho’s to heroin.

You might as well skip the movie and watch the ending credits. You get all the best parts: the theme song, exploding midget eyes and of course Cybil Danning’s tits x17.

TITS!

Actually, I think I like em' better with the hair.