Friday, October 2, 2009

Zombi 4: Real Time Review

Zombi 4: Real Time Review

Premise: Voodoo. Zombies. Chest Hair.

Some awful Voodoo zombie bitch is puking nasty looking goo all over her self and then she dies. Movie off to a good start

I’m beginning to think that the movies in this series have no consistency.

That voodoo witch doctor has flabby man tits

Uh Oh another one of those pesky “Doors to hell” has been opened.

The vomiting voodoo zombie bitch from the start came back to life and flew out of the ground with super strength. Yay!!

Wow this is some terrible dialogue. I’m laughing at it. LAUGHING!!!

Haha some dude got his face pulled the fuck off! Nice.

Wow this movie sure doesn’t waste any time, we just jumped right into it. Voodoo, zombies, vomit, deface-ification. No warm up or anything.

Voodoo zombie bitch crushed some dudes head. Pretty much right off the bat three, no - no make that four people have suffered massive head trauma. This movie is definitely off to a better start than the previous.

Holy Nuts! This just doesn’t let up! Some other dude just got his throat bit out! It still sucks, but I’ll be damned if I’m not entertained.

Ok a bunch of cloaked zombies came out of nowhere and bit this chick to death. That brings the death toll to 6 and it’s been what? Eleven minutes? This movie ROCKS!

This still isn’t making much since but who the shit cares?

Introducing the main characters and playing a song I think I first heard in one of the Rocky movies. I don’t think I care about any of these people. I want them all to die.

This movie has gone so down hill. the first eleven minuets had torn off faces, broken necks, gun shot wounds, zombie voodoo puke all over everything and now its been a solid five minutes of nothing. The final score is steadily dropping.

More fist fighting zombies just like the last one. And the funniest look of shock I’ve ever seen as some dude discovers that the thing he just KOed was actually a cloaked zombie. That would be pretty shocking.

They’re trying to explain why there are a bunch of zombies running around on the island. It’s all pointless. I wish they’d show some exploding heads or something. I’m coming down from my gore fix and it’s not gunna be pretty (leaving to get a bucket and a mop).

They found a stash of guns. Those’ll come in handy for blowing off heads, now get to it already!

This one soldier guy has a very, very hairy chest…I'm simutenously highly disturbed and highly envious.

“The Book of the Dead? come on, try reading some”
“No, don’t do it, you might release evil forces”
Nice to see someone is thinking logically.

Finally some more people got zombifucked (my special word for when people get fucked up by zombies) one guy got his head bit off and then some chick got touched to death, they didn’t really do anything to her, they just kinda…like, grabbed at her face for a little while and she died…I guess.

Hairy chested soldier was about to make out with some hot lady before getting epically cock-blocked by an angry zombie. Chest-hair got pissed off and started yelling and people were screaming and zombies and some dude came out and all of this doesn’t matter because FINALLY someone got there head blown off! YES!

These zombies jump through the air and fist fight like professional stunt men.

They also have an odd tendency to stand still for extended periods of time.

Tommy jumps out from behind a curtain with his decomposing face practically peeling off his skull, puking green slime and growling like a grizzly bear in a cheez itz factory and someone thinks to inquire: “Tommy what’s happened to you?” Not surprisingly Tommy fails to respond, maybe the green slime that is constantly streaming out of his mouth is impeding his speech, but I have this nutty idea that it actually has more to do with the fact that HE’S A FUCKING ZOMBIE!!!!!!!

Hairy chested soldier flipped his shit, jumped over a wall of flames and killed a whole crowd of zombies with the butt of his rifle.

All the zombies stop moving and one of the dumbshits says something to the effect of: “Don’t shoot they’re not moving”, Now I’m no Navy Seal or anything but wouldn’t be easiest to shoot something while it's not moving?

Hairy chested soldier dude got killed by the zombies. Good now I won’t have to look at is Sean Connery-esque chest beard anymore.

Oh, Jesus Christ! He's back as a zombie. Is this movie fucking with me? Well at least his hair is less prominent, but now he has two massive holes where his nipples should be, which is even more disturbing. Why would the zombies eat his nips? I really shouldn't be thinking about this.

Hairy soldier zombie just shot one of his soldier friends in the leg and ate him. That hairy bastard just won’t stay down!!!!

The guy who Hairy Zombie No-nips bit asked to be shot so he wouldn’t come back but they didn’t do it. Instead they covered his body with a sheet and turned there backs on him apparently confident in the sheets ability to restrain zombies.

There confidence was misplaced. He came back from the dead and shot the black guys knee-caps out. I told you that sheet was never gunna hold him!

The black guy makes a valiant last stand, reminds me of a Friday the 13th movie.

Haha! Black Guy just blew the fuck out of those zombie bastards! It’s funny though, they’re smart enough to talk and use guns and run and jump through the air, but they just stand there when a grenade is about to go off.

The two leads are running away from the zombie horde, here’s hoping they trip and fall into the ocean and get eaten by sharks. I wanna watch Jaws again.

A zombie just punched through the lead guys chest and the lead girls hair and eyes started falling out then she turned into a zombie. A fitting end brings the movie up a bit in my book.

Zombi 3: Real Time Review

Zombi 3: Real Time Review

All of the best things about life converge on film.

Great, great, fucking music!

Those birds sure look real.

I think they’re trying a bit too hard to make this dude out to be the “evil military guy” what with all the “Kill all the people in the contaminated area and bury them in a mass grave” talk. Funny how he specifies “mass”, what other kind of grave would it be with dozens and dozens of corpses in it?

Pulsating wounds creep me out

Stop walking backwards you stupid knob. Fucker was walking backwards for about 46 seconds straight.

What the fuck?! How is a severed zombie head flying through the air? Why would it be that? What the fuck is that shit? What the fuck?!

“I’m feeling better Patricia, but I’m thirsty, for your blood!!!”
Wow. Just, wow.

So these zombies can fight and talk and even make threats, too. A zombie dude and a normal dude zombie are fighting. This is the first movie I’ve seen where a zombie punches a guy in the face.

A zombie just jumped off a bed and hurled himself through a second story window…sweet.

Exploding head equals higher rating from me!

How did that zombie get on the ceiling? And under the dock? and in the wall? What the fuck is this? a zombie fun house?

Some guy threw a zombie off of a five foot drop onto wet sand and killed it. Sand's really not that hard. It's actually fairly soft. Few things would die from falling a short distance on to sand. These zombies being one of those things. These zombies are weak. But they are resourceful, I’ll give em’ that.

Another exploding head makes this almost worth my time.

Don’t tell me that Duck is a zombie too!

Some guy who’s name I don’t remember is about to get shot and I’m supposed to care…I don’t.

This scientist always seems to be struggling to remember what he was going to say next. His facial expressions are interesting as well, his performance is the best thing about this movie. Outside of the exploding heads and zombie fist fights of course.

Dumb Bitch #1: “It’s a creepy sound lest go explore even though there are only two of us, you’ve got a broken leg and can barley walk by yourself and we’ve only got a shovel for defense”
Dumb bitch #2: “Hell yes!”

Pregnant women in zombie epidemic - sounds like it should end well

Three soldiers in HAZMAT suits are holding guns on two unarmed guys. The armed soldiers decide to kill the unarmed men and come upon the conclusion that the best course of action is to throw down there weapons!?!?! And karate fight them?!?! While the third gun totting solider sits back watching and mocking the other two soldier’s feeble karate skills. I just spit Iced tea all over EVERYTHING!

HAHA! The pregnant woman ended as well as I thought it would. Definitely brings the movie up a notch or two.

Unarmed men pick up the soldiers guns and kill them all. Serves them right.

“There’s no stopping them even though they’ll die from being shot in the little toe and they walk at about an 8th of the speed we do!!”

Why? Why were there zombies hiding under a pile of hay? Did six people crawl under a pile of hay to die? Or did they die somewhere else, become zombie and then decide “hey lets all six of us crawl under a pile of hay and wait there. that way when some unsuspecting people run by we can pop up right under em’!!! Great idea, right?” and I wouldn't put it past these zombies to actually do that.

Another guy who’s name I don’t remember is about to get shot I think I’m supposed to care about this one too but I still don’t.

That fucking DJ became a zombie at the end, I can’t even think of anything to say.

Shit music is plays over the ending credits. Fits with the rest of the film alright.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Alien vs Hunter: Real Time Review

Alien vs Hunter: Real Time Review

Premise: An alien fights a hunter. In the woods. Plus also lasers.

Asylum Home Entertainment: entertainment for homes.

Entertain me!

This review marks a historic occasion. It’s the first and only one I’ve written in the state of Arizona!

Aright, let’s run down the list, here -
Mini Tacos: Check
Drink: Check
Computer: Check
Chair: Check
Fabulously shitty movie: let’s hope so

“Hell you sounded like you just saw a massive extra-terrestrial vehicle imbedded half way into the mountainside … Oh, shit”

“This phone sucks!”
“Not as much as your MOM! Haha! Oh, wait, she’s dead…

“It wasn’t a bear!”
“Alien, whatever it is”
Maybe an…alien bear? A refugee from the Savage Planet perhaps?

*Alien attacks*
“Aggh, Chupacabra!”
I knew it, earth Chupacabras are from Space!



Those things.

So far the sets have included…A room, another room, the woods and outside of a trailer. Thrifty.

Alright, near as I can tell, an alien crashed on earth and it’s being hunted by a robot. With lasers. Meanwhile, people keep going from a room, out into the forest, and back to the room deliberating on what they’re next move should be. Presumably their options being stay in the room, or venture back to the forest.

I don’t know why they’re all so intent on staying in the room, I mean, those windows look like they’re made out of glass, not the best protection against most types of alien.

Oh: Check!

What the fuck is a dede fiffer? Is that supposed to be a name?

Oh, for fucks fucking sake. This is just starting to get aggravating. People are just sitting in a room (a different one this time, though) arguing about things. Supposedly the alien is still out there being hunted by that robot. You know, the one with the lasers.

Something’s odd. Whenever they’re hiding in flimsy rooms composed of wood, drywall and glass the Alien is off and about, the second they leave the room, however, it’s on their asses like an obese junkie on a cupcake filled with heroin. Based on this observation I put forth the proposition that this alien is afflicted with a fatal allergy to…rooms! I guess?

Striking fear into the hearts of aliens across the galaxy

Laserbot is on the prowl. Prepare to meet your lasery, laser abundant doom!

Who the fuck does this guy think he is? Bert Gummer? Huh? You think you’re Bert Gummer, do ya? Huh? Is that what you think? Yeah? Really? Well guess what! You;re no Bert Gummer! There’s only one Bert Gummer you Bert Gummer wannabe son of a bitch, and his name is Bert Fucking Gummer!

Alien on Hunter action the likes of which I’ve never before witnessed! Mostly because I’ve not seen this movie before.

Haha! He laser fucked that alien! Those laser beams may have well have been long purple colored translucent penises composed of monochromatic, coherent, light. I'm smart.

Flying through the air at the speed of a laser.

Robot: “Prepare to taste the fanciful power of my Laser gadget, mortal!”
Dude: “Fanciful?”
*Pew pew*

Have I mentioned that this “hunter” robot looks like a medieval night wearing a Vietnamese coolie hat? And I’m pretty sure it’s part of his head, and not just an accessory. Honestly, what’s the point of the hat? Sensetive eyes?

Now instead of alternating between the room and the forest every 45 seconds, they’re alternating between the forest and these supposed “underground tunnels”. Really, though, the "underground tunnels" just look like a different, shittier, room. So far the entire movie has been a group of two people moving from one set to another. And so far there’ve only been like 5 different sets. Like I said, thrifty.

This is seriously the 14th most boring movie I’ve seen that involves aliens and robots fighting that also stars William Katt. Yeah, he's been in 14 of these fucking things. Look it up.

Don't actually look it up, though.

What the fuck is Hunter doing out here anyway, hunting aliens? That’s not his job, he needs to leave that shit up to the professionals.

The professionals

Ok, so people are either wandering aimlessly through “underground tunnels” or a separate group of people are wandering, not quite as aimlessly, mind you, through the forest. The people in the forest at least have guns, so that’s kind of less astoundingly boring. Actually, no, it’s all the same level of boring.

This. Movie. Sucks. Ass. It has lasers, robots and aliens and it still manages to suck. Almost worse than anything I’ve ever witnessed before. May God strike all who were involved with this film dead, as well as their entire families. Dead by bear mauling. And not grizzly bears, either. That’d be too good for them. No, not grizzly bears, but…uhh…Cinnamon Bears! A subspecies of the American Black Bear, dubbed Cinnamon bear after it’s red-brown fur, reminiscent in color to the popular culinary spice.

Imagine one of these fuckers eating your family. You don't want to, do you?

This movie is worse than a moose fart channeled through the rotting corps of a Guamanian cab driver. And anyone who has smelled that knows how bad that is.

I’m going to drown myself in the kitchen sink. If God doesn’t want me to die he will shut the movie off before I do so… Aw, fuck it. I don’t care enough about life at this point to kill myself.

The militant survivalist rounded up all his militant survivalist friends to hunt down and destroy the alien menaces.

“I hate cowboys”Another layer to the rich tapestry of characterization.

Fuck you.

It feels like I’ve been watching this movie for nine hours longer than I actually have been.

This guy just got lasered right in the gut. I like to think that these were the last words to go through his head…

I was caught
In the middle of a laser-beam track - Laser
I looked round
And I knew there was no turning back - Laser
My mind raced
And I thought what could I do - Laser
And I knew
There was no help, no help from you - Laser
Sound of the lasers
Beatin' in my heart
The laser of lasers
Tore me apart
I’ve been – laserstruck!

Thank you AC/DC

*Pew pew*
“Hey, you guys hear something?”
*Pew pew*
“Whoa! What the hell was that?!”
*Pew pew*
“Oh shit, lasers!

Lasers go "Pew" by the way

Were there really only eight people living in this fucking town?

Holy shit! It’s an invisible robot? With lasers?! Talk about the ultimate killing machine!

And it knows Judo!

I was gonna say…something. I can’t remember what itwas any more. I think this movie is marking me dumber the longeer I have am seeing it?. Maybre I dhould? d d, whay the werds why gio ma bran@ edeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee42

Oh, Christ, I think I almost went into a coma. What’s going on? Robots? What the fuck!?

Wait, did they kill the alien? It’s over? Oh, thank you Jesus! Thank you God! Thank you Buddah, Ra, Odin, Zeus, Billy Zane, whoever the fuck you are, just, thank you.

Hey, guess what? I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the second worst movie I’ve ever seen in my entire life

Whoa…wait…so the robot was just a dude dressed as a robot? From another planet? That speaks English? Aw, fuck it. I am so far past the point of caring. I’m just glad it’s over.


Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Dentist: Real Time Review

The Dentist: Real Time Review

Premise: A documentary chronicling Corbin Bernsen’s tragic early foray in the field of Oral Health.

This Dentist doesn’t just clean your teeth. He cleans…YOUR SOUL!! And he kills you, too. But that’s just incidental, really.

Corbin Bernsen of Nash Bridges and Ken Foree of Keenan and Kel star together for the first and last time!

“I had a beautiful wife, a beautiful home. We had a perfect life together” You’re wife is sucking off the pool guy in the back yard; you’re a psychotic dentist. Perfect? By all reasonable definitions, as close to it as you can get.

“Things are going to hell around here! This has got to stop!” Shut your face and go brush your fucking teeth for the 18th time today you jerk off.

THE DENTIST: “You were dressed like that in front of the pool man?”
Wife of THE DENTIST: “ I was wearing a robe”
THE DENTIST: “You gotta be careful!”
Yeah, she might accidentally fall onto the pool guy’s coincidentally erect and exposed penis. Happens all the time.

Oh… Doctor Feinstone. Excuse me Doctor, I guess I was under the false impression that you were a dentist.


Imperfect teeth make him CRrRaZY!

Jesus Christ this Pool Guy’s got quite a little racket going on here with these Suburban house wives…How do you go about getting a job cleaning pools anyway?

A positive dental experience is very important. You know what key to having a positive dental experience is? Not being murdered.

What a gas huffing nut bag. All dentists are the same I tell ya

Probably dentists

I’m kind of confused. Does he really know his wife is fucking the pool cleaner or is he just assuming? Seems a bit extreme, going absolutely bat-fuck fuck crazy over an assumption.

Fucking overreacting parents. Bleeding and extreme pain is what dentistry is all about. It’s best the kid learns it early in life.

I wonder why they never made a killer optometrist movie. He could have spikes in those lens thingies that shoot out, and acidic eye drops and stuff. And instead of lasers that correct your vision he can have lasers that cut off your face!

And here’s Mark Ruffalo in his break out role as…what the fuck is he supposed to be? A pimp?

Some beauty pageant contestant (prostitute) is going to the dentists accompanied by Mark Ruffalo (in his break out role), to have her teeth cleaned. I wish more prostitutes would do likewise

What was that strange substance all over his crotch? It looked like vomit. How did it get in his pants? Do dentists vomit from their crotch? I knew I should have watched that Animal Planet special about Dentists.

He’s finger face fucking this passed out beauty queen. I find it quite hard to believe most dentists don’t do this when they have the chance, what with all of them being sociopaths and all.

He thought he was making out with his wife but apparently he strangled and partially undressed some random patient. Talk about awkward.

Now she’s calling for Steve. Apparently Steve is Mark Ruffalo, her pimp.

Oh, Client, eh? Is that what you call it? And I take it you’re her “manager” too right?

The Dentist was groping his “client” without paying the standard fee of 46 dollars and 57 cents. Ruffalo is gonna have to pop one in this dentist’s ass with his gold plated Colt .45. No need to play around Ruffalo, we all know what you are; go ahead and bust out the long brimmed felt hat with the peacock feather and the purple, tiger stripped zoot suit. Throw in some gold chains and a long mink coat while you’re at it. Embrace your profession!

This is Mark Ruffalo

And this is was a pimp is supposed to look like

THE DENTIST: “You don’t understand the lack of respect in a world that goes on ignoring dental hygiene!” Yeah…that’s the problem, alright. I guess you'll just have to take out everyone's teeth, that way they'll have no way to disrespect the teeth they don't have or the dentists they no longer need. Do it.

I gotta tell you, this movie’s scared me straight. From now on I’m gonna start brushing my teeth way more. Like at least 4 times a week or so. Might even floss on occasion. I’ll never have to go to the dentist again! Fucker’s not stringing my teeth on his trophy necklace, the filthy savage.

Twist and Yank. Twist and Yank. That’s what it’s all about. Remember that and it’ll be a breeze. You just gotta twist and yank! See! Like that! Corbin Bernsen’s really got his Twist/Yank method down. It's all in the wrist, see. Sturdy set of pliers doesn't hurt, either.

Corbin Bernsen plays a fondle happy, teeth ripping clean freak psycho dentist who more than likely has a severe Nitrous Oxide addiction like no one else could. Maybe it's because he's not playing a role at all. . .

You be the judge

Jerky. Is. Good. I like it a lot. It’s really expensive though. I guess the Jerkying process takes a lot of money. But it’s worth it.

“I could ask her when she wakes up” hahaha! That is so NOT TRUE! She can’t talk anymore! What the hell man?! He just pulled her teeth and cut her tongue out. Does he not remember this? Why would he say that if he knows it’s not true? Oh, I see, If he told the cops that he might get in trouble. Well played, Denty McStabbins.

Goddamn pool cleaners. Always stealing honest dentists wives away.

It almost seems as if he’s had experience stabbing people before. Who am I kidding? He’s a dentist, of course he has.

Probably a dentist

He’s tortured the bejeezus out of his wife and stabbed the unholy fuck out of her pool boy fuck buddy. Now it’s back to business. The business of dentinizing the innocent masses!

Don’t question The Dentist damn you! He’s in the middle of a procedure, can’t you see!

“I’m going to report you to the dental association!”
Yeah, that’ll teach him. Or you could just, you know? Call the cops. Seeing as he’s torturing and molesting patients. Seems like something they oughta be clued in on.

Guess you can’t now. What with you being dead and such.

Cop: “when are you gonna see a dentist about that tooth?”
Ken Foree: “I’d rather live with the pain”
That Ken Foree is one smart motherfucker. Man, I wish Keenan and Kel was still on. I want some fucking orange soda.

I do!

What kind of a jerk-off blackmails a dentist then lies down and lets him work on his teeth? Especially a dentist that happens to be Corbin Bernsen, that’s twice as dangerously criminally insane as a normal dentist.

Haha, he’s drilling this guys tongue off. That’s what happens when you try to fight a drill with your tongue, ass-hat. The drill always wins. Always.

If you can’t afford to have a bad day then why are you killing off your nursing staff and torturing your patients? Not a very smart business move. I don’t think this guy is thinking straight. Oh, wait, he's a dentist, of course he's not.

Ken Foree: “He’s a dentist, they’re capable of anything”
Ken Foree speaks the truth!

Fuck Dentists: A PSA from Ken Foree

Now he’s speaking some kind of satanic dentist language. Or is that Finnish? I can’t tell the difference. I think Dentists originated from Scandinavia, they have the crazy Viking torture blood running through they’re veins, that’s the problem.

The first dentist

Now for the obligatory final chase scene. Some girl who’s dying to get her braces out might do just that…get her braces out… when he blows her fucking teeth from her head with his little James Bond gun. God, what a puny little hand-gun, no wonder your wife started fucking the pool cleaner.

He’s going to shoot her in the mouth! Well, at least you won’t need braces anymore. That’s a plus, right?

“You can’t hide, not from your Dentist. I know where you are!”
He’s not fucking around, Dentists can smell fear. And tarter.

“Why didn’t you answer when I called you Sarah?”
Because you’re a Dentist? Oh, and a serial killer, but mostly the first reason.

“Please Doctor Feinstone!”
Yeah, don’t call him "Mister Feinstone" or he’ll flip out…more so than he already has, that is.

They made a bargain. She’ll brush her teeth three times and day and never eat candy again and he won’t shoot her in the face. Seems like a fair trade to me.

Alright, I’ve been fucking around so far but it’s time to get serous. Did you know every serial killer in recorded history has had at least one book on dentistry in their possesion, and at some point tried to pursue a career in the field? Furthermore, 89.64% of the missing people in America were last reported seen at a dentist’s office. These are facts, queerbos. Breath it in. It's just a small sampling of the tons and tons of docmented evidence that proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that all dentists are are brain-shitting wackaboos, jerking off nightly to the thought of killing you and everyone you love and then grinding your teeth into a paste to use as lube to do weird things to your dead body. Yeah. Knowing, fuckers, it's half the battle. The other half is going to take place when you inevitibaly find yourself in a life or death struggle with a pack of foaming-at-the-mouth nut-bag dentists. Take it from me, a gun beats a drill any day of the fucking week. Except for Tuesdays for some reason.

Probably dentists

Oh, and you think Dentists are bad? I don’t even want to think about Orthodontists.

I guess I’ll just go ahead and cut out my wisdom teeth myself, then. I suggest you do like me and put together a emergency home tooth-care kit. Essential items include: vodka, razor blades, needle nosed pliers, whipped cream chargers, and lots and lots of banana peels.

Or I'll fucking kill you!

Skeeter: Real Time Review

Skeeter: Real Time Review

Giant mosquitoes! Well, maybe a little.

Doooooooooooooooooo Do do do do do do do do do do do do… That was the New Line music. I love that music.

Skeeter? You mean Doug’s friend? What, he’s killing people now? Man, it’s always the blue ones.

"No, Penis, I told you I don't want to kill my friends!"

Seriously, how many trucks carrying toxic waste drive across this country every year? At the rate of which they crash and cause giant insect related indiscriminate killing and slaughter you’d think they’d find a more effective means of transportation.

He’s being chased by a helicopter…with yellow tinted windows?

Well, I guess that’s one way to get away from giant mosquitoes. Another, perhaps more effective, method would have been turning left at the gorge instead of driving right into it with your motor bike. Just a thought.

Badasses checklist: Welding torch - Check, Aviator Sunglasses - Check, Leather Jacket - Check, Motorcycle - Check, shirt - fuck you!

Shirts: Just for pussies

Fuck helmets! Aviators are plenty protection. Plus a helmet would ruin that sculpted do of his

That guy was in Scrooged! Man, I wish I was watching Scrooged right now. But only if it had mutant killer giant mosquitoes. Which it doesn’t. So I guess I’d rather be watching this.

“She’s gonna love being dead”
That’s what every grieving family member wants to hear. I’ll need to remember that for my next funeral.

I predict Sarah and Deputy Shirtless McAwesome will be getting it on something fierce sometime later.

Sweet fuck-sauce, it’s that fucking evil industrialist land developer. I hate that fucker so much!

Townsfolk are disappearing at an alarming rate.

“I lose cows all the time”
And so are cows, apparently.

I can certainly understand losing a cow, masters of disguise and evasion that they are.

They're like super fat ninjas

“If you need anything just let us know”
Maybe some more cows?

Man, those mosquitoes aren’t even big. I could totally take those mosquitoes. It’d be like a giant human fighting a bunch of flying murder-bot cyborgs shaped like over sized mutant mosquitoes, but not quite.

Deputy Studly McLongcock: “How you holding up?”
Translation: how about I comfort you with my unit?

Grieving daughter/Love interest: “I just wish she was here” **cries**
Deputy: “This is so in the bag, score!”
Grieving Daughter/Love interest: “What?”
Deputy: “Nothing! Here, let me hold you…”

Contaminated peyote? That Indians going nuts on contaminated peyote?! Aw, lucky!

“It’s alright”
Monstersquitoes ate her dad’s blood to death, so…I guess it depends on which definition of the word “alright” you’re going by.

“What the hell is with tucker”
He’s tripping the fuck out, that’s what!

Cow’s go Moo. Moose go something else. I don’t know why Moose don’t go moo. That would make more sense. From now on, cows go cow and moose go moo. I don’t give a fuck what anyone else says.

Say 'moo' fucker!

This little, trollish looking old man is letting a mutant mosquito suck his blood. He seems to be having an orgasm. Oh, now I seem to be having an orgasm as well. Damn, didn’t see that coming.

“And get my gun rusty?” Jesus, sexual innuendos left and right. What kind of a pervert would write this movie?

Touch her boob! Just give it a quick poke. Like the Pillsbury dough-boy!

You sexy little bastard

What is this? Some kind of Cow expert? Trying to analyze the cow drinking water to see what’s causing the cows to die? Man, that sucks about the cows. I like cows. Cows are cool. Sure wish all the cows would stop dying. I wonder if those giant mosquitoes have anything to do with the recent decline in the cow population? Probably not, everyone knows Mosquitoes much prefer the blood of the four-legged checker spotted morilla.

Two drunken fishermen are arguing about what attacked them when they were out drinking and fishermen-ing.
Drunken Fisherman No. 1 “It was a vampire bat!”
Drunken Fisherman No. 2 “It was killer ducks!”
How do you mistake a killer duck for a vampire bat? I mean, how do you mistake a vampire bat for a giant mosquito? Wait, what’s happening? Jack Daniels? Where?!

They all look the same to Jack

This is much too similar to one of those economic conspiracy thrillers, only with occasional appearances from Radioactive Mosquitoes.

Haha! You hit a tree! 10 points! Now go find a pregnant lady!

“Gotta go drain the vein”
(Alternate Tag-line) They’re gonna drain your vein! Could be the tag-line for the porno spin-off , too.

I knew it!

God fucking damnit this movie sucks. This movie sucks hard. A bunch of stupid fucking people have spent the last 40 minutes talking about cows and shit. And SHIT! There’ve been one or two random mosquito related blood drainings, but besides that, almost no mosquito Acton at all. Just stupid fucking people talking to each other about stupid fucking shit. Mostly about cows. This movie is supposed to be about mosquitoes, for fucks sake! Not cows! Not people! Mosquitoes! I don’t want to see a cow or a person for the rest of the movie unless they’re getting their eyes sucked out of their fucking skulls by a giant mutant mosquito’s face spike sucking tube. You hear me! No more anything about contaminated water! Contaminated mosquitoes! You hear me you fuck sacks?! MOSQUITOES!!! NOW!!! NOW!!!!! FUCK! I don’t give two tea spoons of cock sauce about this evil industrialists diabolical plot to do shit that I don’t care about! Fuck this movie! I’m gonna kill it with my bare fucking hands! I don’t know how and I don’t care. I’ll fucking do it, I swear! I’ll pummel it until it doesn’t know the meaning of the word “cow”! FUCK COWS! DIE!!!!!!!!!!! AAGH!

A visual representation of my rage

An evil property developer is killing anyone that gets in the way of his evil property development plans and just tried to have the deputy murdered by his evil henchmen, the sheriff is corrupt, the water is contaminated, cows are dying left and right, the town is going to hell, and, oh, yeah, there just so happen to be one or two giant man-hungry mosquitoes flying around killing people every once and a while.

I think stabbing myself in the thigh would be more entertaining than watching this movie. With a red-hot meat fork. Actually, I know it would be more entertaining. At least I would be emotionally involved with stabbing myself. Know what I’m not emotionally involved in? This movie, that’s what!

And have I mentioned that the giant mosquitoes aren’t even that giant? They’re about as big as a medium sized flashlight with wings and face spikes and little insect legs and shit like that. Come to think of it, they don’t look much like flashlights at all, actually.

No. Not even a little

“I’ve seen enough of this”
I’ve seen enough of you’re face, dick-cheese!

Weld his filthy evil industrialist mouth shut, you welding wonder wizard, you! Do it! Don’t let your skills go to waste!

Way to drive! Yeah! Nice! You’re an awesome driver!

Psst, He’s not a good driver at all.

Deputy Mosquito Masher is going flame thrower crazy on a bunch of mosquitoes. Mutant mosquitoes at that. This is the first time mosquitoes have been on screen for longer than 30 seconds. Things must be looking up! Too bad there’s probably only like 5 minutes left in the movie. Actually, thank Christ there’s only 5 minutes left in the movie!

Burn mother fuckers! BURN! YEAH!

Squeeze em’! Squeeze em’ like little baby kittens! Squeeze them until their warm brain juices flow down your pants!


Deputy I’m Too Tired to Think of a Nickname: “I’m not going, Sarah”
Me: “I don’t give a fuck”
Deputy I’m Too Tired to Think of a Nickname: “This is my town”
Me: “Shut up!”
Deputy I’m Too Tired to Think of a Nickname: “I want to see this through to the end”
Me: “Why couldn’t you just let the mosquitoes liberate you of your fluids? My life would be so much better”
Deputy I’m Too Tired to Think of a Nickname: “I’ll catch up with you real soon”
Me: "Die and go to mosquito hell, you mother fucker!

Oh, it’s actually over. Well, now what am I supposed to do. I guess I could harass my cat for a couple of hours, that’s always fun.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Sharks in Venice: Real Time Review

Sharks in Venice: Real Time Review

Premise: (See title)

Nu Image. The world of cinema wouldn't be the same without these intrepid pioneers. Where would we be without their groundbreaking work in the field of Giant CGI Sharks Killing people movies? You know where? The fucking dark ages! Shark Attack 1, Shark Attack 2 the legendary Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, the film which jump-started the acting career of now super-star John Barrowman. Shark Zone. Raging Sharks. Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy! That's right motherfuckers, you better recognize the pedigree. These aren't some fucking amateurs. No, these guys know what's up when it comes to making movies about sharks attacking people in a frenzy in zones and whatever. And not just sharks either, friends: Crocodiles, Krakens, Ocotopi, Mansquitos! Snakes, mega and otherwise. You name it and these magnificent sons of bitches have made a movie about a giant and/or mutant CGI version of it wreaking havoc. When you watch a Nu Image killer animal/monster/alien flick, you better be prepared for something special.

Instant boner.

I'm diggin the aviators. Those Venetians have really got their accessorizing down to an art.

I'm no Italianologist or anything, so I can't really say with any conviction. For some reason, though, it sounded like that guy was just saying random, vaguely Italian sounding words in an attempt to sound as though he were an actual Italian person. I'm probably wrong, just an observation.

"This is the Andrea Doria. She is another "unsinkable" ship that went down in 1956. Sits in a depth of 250 feet in a place that, trust me, most of you would not want to be"
George Castanza would not approve.

This guy just got academically owned by Stephen fucking Baldwin. That must make him, like, ultra-tarded or something.

Is it wrong that Stephen is my favorite Baldwin? Because he is.

OK! Plot. plot time. Let me give you the rundown: Stephen fuckin Baldwin(!). Sharks. Venice. Figure it out.

Stephen Baldwin: "No."

Boat accident? Propeller?! Come on! Don't spin me that old sham story, fat-cat. This was no boat accident! Though I won't yet rule out coral reef or Jack the Ripper.

I've seen enough fantasy shark attacks to know one when I see one. How many? Multiply every shark attack from every Jaws movie by 76. Yeah, I think it's fair to say I'm a bit of an expert when it comes to fake shark attacks, and I'm telling've got a fake killer shark in Venice. So I would advise you get your all gondoliers to start taping fillet knives to the ends of their boat pushing sticks, because if I know fake killer sharks the way I think I do (and I do) then this fucker is only getting started.

Stephen Baldwin's father! Murdered by sharks! Knights! A Suitcase?

Alright, a bunch of blood-crazy knights killed a bunch of other un-crazy knights and stole their shit, then came to Venice and sank or something and the treasure was lost under water forever. Well forever just got a whole fuck of a lot shorter, because Stephen Baldwin is on the case.

This would be a lot cooler of the knights were actually fighting sharks. Underwater.

Just imagine one of them is a shark and they're underwater.

"It sounds like some kind of wishful fantasy"
Lady, I don't know what Italians fantasize about, but I've never had a fantasy about a bunch of knights stabbing each other with swords and stealing a priceless artifact. Except if all the knights were hot ladies and their swords were shaped like penises and the priceless artifact was a bunt-cake made to look like a green pumpkin. Then I have. But that's not what we're talking about here, now is it?

Stephen "fuckin" Baldwin: She's...really smart.
I guess opposites attract, huh Baldwin? Hahahaha! I'm just joshin ya. You rock, Baldwin. You rock my world.

This movie is going to be worth the price of the rental just for the inevitable underwater wrestling match between Stephen Baldwin and a great white shark.

Stephen Baldwin traversed an Indiana Jones style cavern filled with poorly timed booby traps to find a bunch of treasure. He then fist fought a great white shark and woke up in a hospital bed. The entire time between him beating the fuck out of the shark and waking up in the hospital was skipped over, so I'm forced to allow my imagination to fill in the blanks. I'm assuming he killed the shark, swam to shore, banged his girlfriend then went to a bar and told everyone about how he killed a shark with his bare hands, and which point everyone bought him drinks for being so badass and he mainlined Italian hard liquor for 27 hours before he passed out from rocking too hard. He was then taken to the hospital so they could harvest some of his blood to use in experiments to create Captain America-esque super-soldiers.

Some Italian mobsters are trying to coerce Baldwin into going back underwater for them. Presumably for a big-money rematch with the shark whose ass he kicked. Silly bastards, even if the shark had the balls to fight Stephen Baldwin again, it couldn't, because it’s fucking dead! Though I'm sure a shit-ton of people would still pay to see Stephen Baldwin punching the corpse of a great white shark underwater. I would.

Drunk Italian Chick: "No! You're trying to get me drunk!"

Holy fucking fuck! Give me a second here, I just accidentally inhaled a spoonful of cereal into my lungs....oh...god. My sinuses are filled with milk and tiny bits of dried strawberry...Jesus. Wow. That was. I don't even know what to do but just list adjectives: wonderful, astounding, awe-inspiring. I can't find the right word to describe it. is really letting me down - - I just don't know how to properly convey to you what I have just seen, no, experienced. I'll just try to take it step by step. A dude and a lady are standing on a street in Venice next to a canal. They're drinking, which may account for why the girl seems to be speaking with a Russian accent. All of a sudden a giant CGI shark leaps out of the canal in a cloud of CGI water. Leaps like a goddamn jellyfish with a rocket strapped to it's dick! Snatches the mother fucker right off of the street and continues to fly into the air, hapless drunken Italian dangling half-way out of it's mouth, screaming like an effeminate black metal vocalist trying to imitate a condor. All rendered in the most pathetically fantastic CGI I've seen since the transformation scene in Dark Wolf. I'm talking N64 graphics. Yeah, that crappy/bitchin. Man, when the shark grabs him there's a sound like if an elephant stepped on an ostrich egg that was filled with jello molds of an orangutans cock. Jesus. I don't know how Stephen Baldwin keeps picking winners like this. It's incredible. He needs to give his agent a raise. That was, like, nine times cooler than the coolest thing I could ever think of, which would probably be... a werewolf boxing a unicorn. Imagine how cool that would be...times fucking nine - Your mind has officially just been raped.

There's a shark in there somewhere.

I can't even imagine what must be going through his head.

Before I started this movie, I had a thought. That thought was: "Man, I sure hope there's a scene in which a shark jumps out of a canal and to snatch a bystander off of the street." Guess what - There was. Strangely enough, this movie, no matter how bad it sucks, is consistently living up to and exceeding my expectations. I keep joking about things I'd like to see happen, never thinking that they actually will, and then they fucking do! Is this some kind of mystical, enchanted DVD that's reading my mind and projecting my deepest desires onto the screen? Given the gratuitous lack of a cinnamon colored big-foot humping an Asian nun while Metallica’s Harvester of Sorrow plays in the background I’m forced to assume no. It’s still pretty rad, though.

Stephen Baldwin's lady companion has been kidnapped by the Italian version of the mafia's elite team of ninja Hench-men. I’m not sure if they were ninjas or not, but they were dressed all in black and they kicked Baldwin’s ass, so they must have been.

I bet the master-mind behind the design for those gondolas never thought they'd need to be sturdy enough to survive a shark dive bomb. That's what happens when you lack foresight. You get people eaten by sharks. If he used walnut instead of mahogany that never would have happened.

Thrilling foot chase/shoot-out/chainsaw fight/beating. Dude's got a chainsaw and you choose to combat that with wood? Wood? You do know chainsaws were made to saw through wood, with a chain, right? That's their entire function and purpose. Oh well, no one ever said smarts were Stephen Baldwin's strong point.

What? He actually defeated a chainsaw with a wooden chair? That is one sturdy fucking chair. I guess it's true what they say about Venetian chair makers -- they're always ready to fight off a man with a chainsaw. I heard that somewhere, I think maybe when I was in Mexico back in 99’.

I don't know if this is showcasing how badass Stephen Baldwin is or how inept the Venice police force is. Maybe a bit of both.

Maybe it's just because it's 4:37 in the morning, but I'm kind of feeling like I would maybe enjoy it if this movie would end kind of soon.

Wouldn't it be awesome to make a quesadilla out of burritos? Yes. But it would be more awesome to eat it. Sorry, I just ate a burrito, my mind isn't in the right place.


Holy shit. This Italian mobster put a bunch of baby great whites into the Venice canals so they would grow up to be his "watch dogs". His shark watch dogs. His watch sharks. I can't believe no one in Venice has figured that out in real life yet.

Stephen Baldwin. Forced to dive against his will into shark infested waters to retrieve a bunch of lost treasure from a cavern under Venice for a shark-happy crime lord. Stephen Baldwin, with an exploding-harpoon gun. Underwater with sharks.

And a claymore!

Stephen Baldwin just shot a great white with an aqua-missile.

This dude sent Baldwin and two of his lackeys underwater to get the treasure. One was killed by a shark (The lucky one), the other by Stephen Baldwin. To remedy the situation he decides to send MORE henchmen to swim through an army of sharks and then try to find and kill Stephen Baldwin. Somehow he's surprised when they die too.

"What the fuck happened?!"
Maybe all those fucking sharks you set free underwater are, I don't know? Fucking killing people or something? Sharks eat people every once and a while, actually. Yeah. Who knew?

These mafia henchmen must be remarkably well paid to jump into what basically amounts to an underwater maze filled to the brim with man-hungry sharks at the whims of their boss like this. Not even one of them has protested at all. No: "What? There’s sharks down there! Are you fucking crazy?" or “If you like sharks so much, you go get eaten by them”. When you think about it, they've got roughly a 50/50 chance of making it to the cavern, and a 40/60 chance of making it back; meaning the overall likelihood of death is like 118%. Can't argue with the numbers.

Hey hey! The Venetian SWAT team are engaging the mafia death squad in a thrilling gun battle. This would be better if the sharks were involved somehow. Like everyone is underwater shooting at each other with the sharks devouring everything in sight.

Just imagine they're underwater and there's sharks.

Nu Image - revealing the dark side of Discovery Channel stock footage since 1999.

That was actually a pretty decent shoot-out, for a Nu Image killer shark flick.

"I know, Captain, there are no sharks in Venice."
But, dude, there totally are sharks in Venice. That's the plot and title of the movie.

Exhibit A. That's Venice in the background FYI.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Elves: Real Time Review

Elves: Real Time Review

Premise: Nazis plot to take over the world by harnessing the power of a wacky little two-foot stabbing machine of an elf that's probably escaped from a Super Max Asylum in the north poll after he was put there for raping Donner and massacring Santa's workshop with a set of hand-made steak knives. Only Dan Haggerty (aka Grizzly Adams) stands in the way of the Elfegeddon.

I've initiated a new rule for RTR-ing which states that before the beginning of every movie I must make a sandwich to be consumed during the duration of the review. So, even if this movie is like torture, I still have this badass sandwich I just made. Worst comes to worst the film strips my sanity away, and the sandwich restores it

Hey, check it out. Know what that is? Yeah you do! Hey, guess what? Know who's not gonna eat it? Yeah, you know that to!

"Get over it Amy!"

Yeah, Amy, you fuckin bitch!

Some stupid teenage girls are pulling some backyard “The Craft” female empowerment type BS, but also with a strong anti-Christmas subtext. They call themselves the sisters of Anti-Christmas, not terribly subtle for a group of anti-Christmas terrorists/witches. Might I suggest The Female Siblings of No More Santa-day?

"We're girls, the master-race, we can control everything and everyone."

These chicks are simultaneously plotting to take over the world, and destroy Christmas. They’re like if The Grinch had a baby with Blofeld.

"Oh, no isn't this your grandfather's book

“Yeah, he also told me never to come out here”

“Oh, royal bust if he finds out”

What exactly does a royal bust entail? Spankings?

Somehow one of these girls cut herself on a glass bowl and I guess her blood reacted with the soil to reanimated some kind of slimy green monster arm.

This chick goes home and slyly replaces her old German grandfather's book back on its shelf, unaware that he is sneakily wheeling his crippled ass up to her from behind. When she turns around he slaps her one right to the kisser, then once more. The first for stealing his book, the second because he assumed she was going to lie about why she stole his book. Proving that just because he can't walk, doesn't mean he can't still show the bitches who the alpha dog is.

"How dare you maybe lie to me in the future!"

So we have a teenage manic depressive girl, a physically abusive old cripple who delights in handing out pre-emptive bitch-slaps, a mentally and emotionally abusive middle aged woman and a seven year old kid that swears like a sailor with Coprolalia and enjoys watching his sister in the shower so much that he's either remarkably heterosexual and doesn’t give a shit who the girl is as long as she’s naked, or is extremely gay and trying to compensate, all living in a house together. And there's also a cat. And a killer elf. Can you just imagine the possibilities? I can’t, which is why I must keep watching.

The elf silently creeps through the house in the dead of the night, prowling around like a tiny little olive green ninja on a mission to straddle sleeping young boys and breath in their faces until they wake up and begin to scream. Insidious.

"It was a fucking little midget troll!"

This kid reminds me so much of me when I was that age, except for the whole watching his sister in the shower thing. I didn't have a sister, unfortunately. If I had, no doubt I would have watched the shit out of her in the shower. Unless she was ugly.

Look at this guys beard, who the fuck does he think he is, Grizzly Adams? Oh, wait...

Evil Mom just stuffed the cat into a pillow case and...

"Santa said, Oral"

Hygiene, or….

This Santa's a total dick-sack.

"Oh, you want a present do ya? You want a present from Santa? Fuck you! There's your fucking present!"

Now she's drowning it in the toilet. Someone's getting into the spirit of Christmas! Cat drowning’s been a tradition in my family since the 1890’s. Something about how a cat once drank all of Santa’s milk or something. The jist is, Santa hates cats.

Crazy elf just stabbed a coke-head Santa impersonator in the dick about 18 times in a row until he died from sever crotchial hemorrhaging.

"I don't give a shit if I told that elf I'd share my coke with him, he can get his own. Not like he'll ever find out..."

"Why hey there Mr. Scrotum, my name is Mr. Elf. I'd like to introduce you to a very good friend of mine. His name is Mr. Knife..."

I don't understand these POV shots, they're presumably supposed to be from the Elf's perspective, but they're moving around right out in the open. I think someone would notice something that looks like Warwick Davis' deformed brother running around with a kitchen knife.

"He was a pervert and a drug addict and someone killed him, isn't that the spirit of Christmas?" Stabbing coke-fiends dressed as Santa in the wiener till they bleed to death the spirit of Christmas? Not as accepted by most of mainstream society, but December would be much more interesting if it was. Christmas, the season of giving...coke heads forced castrations!

Basic round up the plot so far: teenage girl lives with abusive grandpa, cat-murdering mother and foul mouthed tit crazy kid brother while a stab happy, cock hating evil elf runs around and wreaks havoc upon the wangs of those who impersonate Santa to support their cocaine habits after being somehow inadvertently summoned from the depths of three feet under-ground. Meanwhile, life shits on Grizzly Adams as he loses his job and gets kicked out of his trailer, but at least he still has his one and oldest friend -- tobacco.

On the plus side, Grizzly Adams found a job (as Santa, basically Grizzly Adams, only he gives away free shit instead of running around fighting Grizzly bears for money, or whatever the fuck it is Grizzly Adams does) on the minus side, his job involves risk of cock-stabbing and getting pissed on by little kids.

"When there is no more room in hell...the elves will walk the earth"

Why does that line sound familiar...?

Holy shit, is gramps a Nazi?!

I just can't figure it out. What is the connection between grandpa, the elf, and the nazi party? What does it all mean?!

Isn't elves plural for elf? Plural meaning more than one? Well, so far, I've only seen the one elf. Math was never my strong suit, so let me double check this equation: 1 + 0 = (thinking...thinking...) One…?

Ok, I made myself another sandwich and I'm ready to rock this bitch!

*Revealing tits* "What do you think?"

Eh, maybe if you took the bra off I'd be able to render a proper verdict, but until then, I'm going to go with...take the fucking bra off!

Don't you “SHH” Grizzly Adams! Didn't you know that living amongst the grizzlies instilled in him an unholy hunger for human meat!? He'll eat you, bitch! Run!

Is Santa Adams living in the fucking mall? Well, maybe if he didn't smoke 18 packs a day he'd still have enough money to keep renting his trailer.

I think there are some dudes trying to kidnap roller-nazi's granddaughter (Kirsten) to use in some kind of plot to create an evil nazi-elf army to take over the world in the name of Hitler. It’s really the only thing that makes logical sense to me at this point. And the fact that that, of all things, makes logical sense to me right now is a testament to the power of this film.

The last 8 minutes have been occupied by a remarkably ineptly filmed shootout between Dan Haggerty and the neo-nazi thugs, as well as the murder of a teenage girl at the hands of Hitler's favorite elf, Elfy McStabFace.

"Pss, lady, I got a present for you...

...And it ain't a fucking nintendo! YAAGH!"

He's got 24 hours. Is it enough time? He really doesn't know if it's enough time, but it better be enough time.

Grizzly Adam’s run of bad luck continues. He’s been fired from his job for doing nothing more than protecting a teenage girl from neo-Nazis and killer elves. At this rate I wouldn't be surprised if Life physically manifested and personally took a dump right on his face as he sleeps in an ally somewhere under a stack of newspapers, using a dozen empty cigarette cartons as a pillow.

"It was a troll, not a raccoon, a troll!"

What kind of people can't tell the difference between a troll and an elf? They're entirely different. Trolls are thicker, and heavier with more bone mass and their skin is a deeper shade of green. Elves are shorter, skinnier and are olive colored. Get your shit straight, people.

Sounds to me like senile old roller-nazi is looking to redeem himself and end that stab-mad midget's reign of terror once and for all. Or maybe he's just looking for attention like most old people are when they talk about crazy elves.

"What the hell were these Nazis gonna do with these elves?"

I've been longing to hear this line spoken allowed for so long, and yet I never realized until just now.

That bearded juggernaut they call Dan Haggerty is finally putting the pieces together. The pieces being "Nazis" and "elves".

"The man in the study is your grandfather...AND YOUR FATHER!"

Jesus McShitballs! This is like an episode of Jerry Springer if hosted by Dan Haggarty and featuring a psychotic deformed midget that runs out and stabs a guest to death at random throughout. And plus Nazis.

"You know I'm a member of neighborhood watch!"

Oooh, well excuse me Mr. Elf Professor, I guess I'll haul my ass on out of here before you go get your little “suspicious activity” journal and log down: "Large man broke into my house and bludgeoned family to death”. Why don’t you watch me take a piss on your turkey dinner then tell the neighborhood all about it after you get out of traction, fuck-stick! What kind of fucking threat is that? Neighborhood watch?! Honestly, you know that doesn’t actually mean anything, don’t you? Jesus fucking Christ, man. I can’t even get angry at you, you’re just too fucking pathetic, you know that? I wish I could get angry, it’d be better than this strange melding of pity and utter bewilderment that I’m experiencing right now. I just feel sorry for you more than anything else, really. I feel sorry that you’re such a goddamn vagina, and that your wife is probably cheating on you with your best friend the Troll Professor and your children are more than likely stealing money from your wallet to buy peyote because none of them have any respect for you because when you’re confronted by big scary bearded men you threaten them with the knowledge that you belong to the neighborhood fucking watch. I hope someone cuts your nut-skin off and feeds it to your dog. Assface.

"I want to know the connection between elves and Nazis"

No sentence containing the words "elves" and "Nazis" can possibly be anything but totally fucking awesome.

Elf Professor: "Each elf was to house the haploid gene structure in its sperm cells to produce the master race, once again, magical powers, can't be hurt or killed. Driven to select the genetically perfect human mate the proverbial virgin of course holy midnight consummation on Christmas eve."

Dan Haggerty: "Wait a minute, you mean tonight?"

Elf Professor: "The elf mates with the virgin on Christmas eve to produce the master race and it will eventually rule the world"

What the shitting dick nipples? This is shaping up like some creepy Japanese animated monster rape porn. Not that I would have any first hand knowledge of what those are like. . .

The Elf: rapin chicks and stabbin dicks since 1989.

*In reference to banging his daughter* "It was not traumatic for her at all, she was drugged and unconscious"

Dude, I've tried that excuse, it's not gonna fly. Woman are just irrational about that kind of stuff.

So, the grandfather knocked up his daughter to birth his daughter/granddaughter, so that she would be pure enough to get forcibly impregnated by an elf so she can Vagina-slide out the master race of nazi elf men, finally bringing Hitler's master plan to fruition? That is just a whole shit-load of shrooms worth of screenwriting right there.

Grizzly Adams just beat the shit out of a nazi! Now that's what I call catharsis!

"What's wrong, are we going to be alright?"

"No willy, gramps is a Nazi."

And an incestuous rapist, and a German, and old, but even beyond all that, he can't fucking walk! Look at that thing he's sitting on. That's a chair that rolls! He needs it because he can't use his legs! What the fuck is that shit?!

Gramps gets the best fucking lines in this movie. I'm pretty fucking sure that they just flew an old hobo in from Germany, put him on film and let him cut loose.

"I impregnated by own daughter to produce an offspring that would be suitable to mate with the...elf"

"There will be an army of elves!"

You can't write that shit!

Dan Haggerty is knuckle raping these nazi fuck-cunts Their asses are going to be sore for a week after the fistic sodomy he's layin on em! You don't never fuck with a chain smoking mall santa/ex police detective who was raised by grizzly bears!

Dan Haggerty Hates Nazis!

By far the best aspect of this movie has been the absolutely incomparable dialogue. Which I can only assume is the product of many, many hallucinogenic narcotics, clinical mental instability (probably due to some child-hood trauma involving being molested by one of Santa’s littler helpers at the mall), and several debilitating blows to the head.

Aw yeah, he's gonna give her the elfing of a life-time...

And for the grand finale we have Kirsten being fondled by a rape-happy, stab-crazy nazi elf while her little brother runs around trying to retrieve a magical crystal that can send the tiny terror back to elf-hell before he can spring his trouser-elf and father a race of unstoppable, super Nazi-elves.

"I'm gonna rape ya!"

To the depths of the earth you return, elf, never to stab or fondle again!

It's snowing, very Christmasy.