Premise: Nazis plot to take over the world by harnessing the power of a wacky little two-foot stabbing machine of an elf that's probably escaped from a Super Max Asylum in the north poll after he was put there for raping Donner and massacring Santa's workshop with a set of hand-made steak knives. Only Dan Haggerty (aka Grizzly Adams) stands in the way of the Elfegeddon.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099496/
I've initiated a new rule for RTR-ing which states that before the beginning of every movie I must make a sandwich to be consumed during the duration of the review. So, even if this movie is like torture, I still have this badass sandwich I just made. Worst comes to worst the film strips my sanity away, and the sandwich restores it
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"Get over it Amy!"
Yeah, Amy, you fuckin bitch!
Some stupid teenage girls are pulling some backyard “The Craft” female empowerment type BS, but also with a strong anti-Christmas subtext. They call themselves the sisters of Anti-Christmas, not terribly subtle for a group of anti-Christmas terrorists/witches. Might I suggest The Female Siblings of No More Santa-day?
"We're girls, the master-race, we can control everything and everyone."
These chicks are simultaneously plotting to take over the world, and destroy Christmas. They’re like if The Grinch had a baby with Blofeld.
"Oh, no isn't this your grandfather's book
“Yeah, he also told me never to come out here”
“Oh, royal bust if he finds out”
What exactly does a royal bust entail? Spankings?
Somehow one of these girls cut herself on a glass bowl and I guess her blood reacted with the soil to reanimated some kind of slimy green monster arm.
This chick goes home and slyly replaces her old German grandfather's book back on its shelf, unaware that he is sneakily wheeling his crippled ass up to her from behind. When she turns around he slaps her one right to the kisser, then once more. The first for stealing his book, the second because he assumed she was going to lie about why she stole his book. Proving that just because he can't walk, doesn't mean he can't still show the bitches who the alpha dog is.
"How dare you maybe lie to me in the future!"
So we have a teenage manic depressive girl, a physically abusive old cripple who delights in handing out pre-emptive bitch-slaps, a mentally and emotionally abusive middle aged woman and a seven year old kid that swears like a sailor with Coprolalia and enjoys watching his sister in the shower so much that he's either remarkably heterosexual and doesn’t give a shit who the girl is as long as she’s naked, or is extremely gay and trying to compensate, all living in a house together. And there's also a cat. And a killer elf. Can you just imagine the possibilities? I can’t, which is why I must keep watching.
The elf silently creeps through the house in the dead of the night, prowling around like a tiny little olive green ninja on a mission to straddle sleeping young boys and breath in their faces until they wake up and begin to scream. Insidious.
"It was a fucking little midget troll!"
This kid reminds me so much of me when I was that age, except for the whole watching his sister in the shower thing. I didn't have a sister, unfortunately. If I had, no doubt I would have watched the shit out of her in the shower. Unless she was ugly.
Look at this guys beard, who the fuck does he think he is, Grizzly Adams? Oh, wait...
Evil Mom just stuffed the cat into a pillow case and...
"Santa said, Oral"
Hygiene, or….
This Santa's a total dick-sack.
"Oh, you want a present do ya? You want a present from Santa? Fuck you! There's your fucking present!"
Now she's drowning it in the toilet. Someone's getting into the spirit of Christmas! Cat drowning’s been a tradition in my family since the 1890’s. Something about how a cat once drank all of Santa’s milk or something. The jist is, Santa hates cats.
Crazy elf just stabbed a coke-head Santa impersonator in the dick about 18 times in a row until he died from sever crotchial hemorrhaging.
"I don't give a shit if I told that elf I'd share my coke with him, he can get his own. Not like he'll ever find out..."
"Why hey there Mr. Scrotum, my name is Mr. Elf. I'd like to introduce you to a very good friend of mine. His name is Mr. Knife..."
I don't understand these POV shots, they're presumably supposed to be from the Elf's perspective, but they're moving around right out in the open. I think someone would notice something that looks like Warwick Davis' deformed brother running around with a kitchen knife.
"He was a pervert and a drug addict and someone killed him, isn't that the spirit of Christmas?" Stabbing coke-fiends dressed as Santa in the wiener till they bleed to death the spirit of Christmas? Not as accepted by most of mainstream society, but December would be much more interesting if it was. Christmas, the season of giving...coke heads forced castrations!
Basic round up the plot so far: teenage girl lives with abusive grandpa, cat-murdering mother and foul mouthed tit crazy kid brother while a stab happy, cock hating evil elf runs around and wreaks havoc upon the wangs of those who impersonate Santa to support their cocaine habits after being somehow inadvertently summoned from the depths of three feet under-ground. Meanwhile, life shits on Grizzly Adams as he loses his job and gets kicked out of his trailer, but at least he still has his one and oldest friend -- tobacco.
On the plus side, Grizzly Adams found a job (as Santa, basically Grizzly Adams, only he gives away free shit instead of running around fighting Grizzly bears for money, or whatever the fuck it is Grizzly Adams does) on the minus side, his job involves risk of cock-stabbing and getting pissed on by little kids.
"When there is no more room in hell...the elves will walk the earth"
Why does that line sound familiar...?
Holy shit, is gramps a Nazi?!
I just can't figure it out. What is the connection between grandpa, the elf, and the nazi party? What does it all mean?!
Isn't elves plural for elf? Plural meaning more than one? Well, so far, I've only seen the one elf. Math was never my strong suit, so let me double check this equation: 1 + 0 = (thinking...thinking...) One…?
Ok, I made myself another sandwich and I'm ready to rock this bitch!
*Revealing tits* "What do you think?"
Eh, maybe if you took the bra off I'd be able to render a proper verdict, but until then, I'm going to go with...take the fucking bra off!
Don't you “SHH” Grizzly Adams! Didn't you know that living amongst the grizzlies instilled in him an unholy hunger for human meat!? He'll eat you, bitch! Run!
Is Santa Adams living in the fucking mall? Well, maybe if he didn't smoke 18 packs a day he'd still have enough money to keep renting his trailer.
I think there are some dudes trying to kidnap roller-nazi's granddaughter (Kirsten) to use in some kind of plot to create an evil nazi-elf army to take over the world in the name of Hitler. It’s really the only thing that makes logical sense to me at this point. And the fact that that, of all things, makes logical sense to me right now is a testament to the power of this film.
The last 8 minutes have been occupied by a remarkably ineptly filmed shootout between Dan Haggerty and the neo-nazi thugs, as well as the murder of a teenage girl at the hands of Hitler's favorite elf, Elfy McStabFace.
"Pss, lady, I got a present for you...
...And it ain't a fucking nintendo! YAAGH!"
He's got 24 hours. Is it enough time? He really doesn't know if it's enough time, but it better be enough time.
Grizzly Adam’s run of bad luck continues. He’s been fired from his job for doing nothing more than protecting a teenage girl from neo-Nazis and killer elves. At this rate I wouldn't be surprised if Life physically manifested and personally took a dump right on his face as he sleeps in an ally somewhere under a stack of newspapers, using a dozen empty cigarette cartons as a pillow.
"It was a troll, not a raccoon, a troll!"
What kind of people can't tell the difference between a troll and an elf? They're entirely different. Trolls are thicker, and heavier with more bone mass and their skin is a deeper shade of green. Elves are shorter, skinnier and are olive colored. Get your shit straight, people.
Sounds to me like senile old roller-nazi is looking to redeem himself and end that stab-mad midget's reign of terror once and for all. Or maybe he's just looking for attention like most old people are when they talk about crazy elves.
"What the hell were these Nazis gonna do with these elves?"
I've been longing to hear this line spoken allowed for so long, and yet I never realized until just now.
That bearded juggernaut they call Dan Haggerty is finally putting the pieces together. The pieces being "Nazis" and "elves".
"The man in the study is your grandfather...AND YOUR FATHER!"
Jesus McShitballs! This is like an episode of Jerry Springer if hosted by Dan Haggarty and featuring a psychotic deformed midget that runs out and stabs a guest to death at random throughout. And plus Nazis.
"You know I'm a member of neighborhood watch!"
Oooh, well excuse me Mr. Elf Professor, I guess I'll haul my ass on out of here before you go get your little “suspicious activity” journal and log down: "Large man broke into my house and bludgeoned family to death”. Why don’t you watch me take a piss on your turkey dinner then tell the neighborhood all about it after you get out of traction, fuck-stick! What kind of fucking threat is that? Neighborhood watch?! Honestly, you know that doesn’t actually mean anything, don’t you? Jesus fucking Christ, man. I can’t even get angry at you, you’re just too fucking pathetic, you know that? I wish I could get angry, it’d be better than this strange melding of pity and utter bewilderment that I’m experiencing right now. I just feel sorry for you more than anything else, really. I feel sorry that you’re such a goddamn vagina, and that your wife is probably cheating on you with your best friend the Troll Professor and your children are more than likely stealing money from your wallet to buy peyote because none of them have any respect for you because when you’re confronted by big scary bearded men you threaten them with the knowledge that you belong to the neighborhood fucking watch. I hope someone cuts your nut-skin off and feeds it to your dog. Assface.
"I want to know the connection between elves and Nazis"
No sentence containing the words "elves" and "Nazis" can possibly be anything but totally fucking awesome.
Elf Professor: "Each elf was to house the haploid gene structure in its sperm cells to produce the master race, once again, magical powers, can't be hurt or killed. Driven to select the genetically perfect human mate the proverbial virgin of course holy midnight consummation on Christmas eve."
Dan Haggerty: "Wait a minute, you mean tonight?"
Elf Professor: "The elf mates with the virgin on Christmas eve to produce the master race and it will eventually rule the world"
What the shitting dick nipples? This is shaping up like some creepy Japanese animated monster rape porn. Not that I would have any first hand knowledge of what those are like. . .
The Elf: rapin chicks and stabbin dicks since 1989.
*In reference to banging his daughter* "It was not traumatic for her at all, she was drugged and unconscious"
Dude, I've tried that excuse, it's not gonna fly. Woman are just irrational about that kind of stuff.
So, the grandfather knocked up his daughter to birth his daughter/granddaughter, so that she would be pure enough to get forcibly impregnated by an elf so she can Vagina-slide out the master race of nazi elf men, finally bringing Hitler's master plan to fruition? That is just a whole shit-load of shrooms worth of screenwriting right there.
Grizzly Adams just beat the shit out of a nazi! Now that's what I call catharsis!
"What's wrong, are we going to be alright?"
"No willy, gramps is a Nazi."
And an incestuous rapist, and a German, and old, but even beyond all that, he can't fucking walk! Look at that thing he's sitting on. That's a chair that rolls! He needs it because he can't use his legs! What the fuck is that shit?!
Gramps gets the best fucking lines in this movie. I'm pretty fucking sure that they just flew an old hobo in from Germany, put him on film and let him cut loose.
"I impregnated by own daughter to produce an offspring that would be suitable to mate with the...elf"
"There will be an army of elves!"
You can't write that shit!
Dan Haggerty Hates Nazis!
By far the best aspect of this movie has been the absolutely incomparable dialogue. Which I can only assume is the product of many, many hallucinogenic narcotics, clinical mental instability (probably due to some child-hood trauma involving being molested by one of Santa’s littler helpers at the mall), and several debilitating blows to the head.
Aw yeah, he's gonna give her the elfing of a life-time...
And for the grand finale we have Kirsten being fondled by a rape-happy, stab-crazy nazi elf while her little brother runs around trying to retrieve a magical crystal that can send the tiny terror back to elf-hell before he can spring his trouser-elf and father a race of unstoppable, super Nazi-elves.
To the depths of the earth you return, elf, never to stab or fondle again!
It's snowing, very Christmasy.
