Hard Rock Zombies: Real Time Review

Hard Rock Zombies: Real Time Review

Premise: Hard rock zombies rock hard, fight Hitler, kill midgets and are also zombies.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089254/


It’s wonderful to finally meet you Hard Rock Zombies, I’ve heard so much about you. No, no, all good, honest. Yes, very much so. Haha, Oh, you’re so silly. I think we’re going to get along just fine…

They’re on a highway of some sort. To hell, perhaps? Eh, judging by the foliage I’d say they’re closer to Wisconsin.

Dancing midgets?! male AND female nudity?! Deformed dancing midgets!? Corpse fondling?! Sweet cocks in heaven!

Right, just to make you horribly depressed, I’m going to describe to you what just transpired: Two men driving, in a car no less, pick up a hitch-hiking woman. They drive to a lake, strip nude and go swimming. Deformed demon dancing midgets watch while some loony fuck takes pictures. One of the midgets looks like a Muppet born with fetal alcohol syndrome that by some cosmic tragedy lived far longer than it had any right to. The woman begins drowning the men, and then presumably crushes one’s torso with her bare hands while he’s under water. That lunatic and his dancing midget monster minions are watching and taking pictures still. Then the midgets play with the guys dead body, the chick cuts his hand off, rubs it on her face and starts singing. There, now go kill yourself, you missed it and you’ll never be able to see it. It’s gone forever. Your life is meaningless.

“Well, come on!”

Aww, I don’t wanna…

“Put your hands together!”

Stop telling me what to do!

This isn’t hard rock. This isn’t even firm, stiff or solid rock. And I don’t see any zombies either. I’m so disillusioned…I need to grow a mustache!

This song has well and truly worn out it’s welcome. Just how much can you shake, shake, shake it off, baby, anyway? I mean, really?

This is the bitchninest guitar solo I’ve heard this side of Dragon Force!

Now the entire band is inexplicably all in their underwear in a big room together. And what interesting choices of underwear indeed. I’m beginning to think these men may not be as straight as they first appear…

Their lead singer has a mullet and a mustache. His name is Mulletstache, from what I’ve been able to gather thus far.

“Sign those luscious nubile underage tits, man!” Even the fact that he had to be told…

“Soon I’ll be mormon and you’ll ALL be my wives!” Eh, if he was gonna he would have done it by now.

Alright: crazy bitches, midgets, fucked up town, ambiguously gay 80’s rock band, ominous warning not to play a show in the fucked up town but they are anyway. Check. I’m on track.

What’s this bands name, anyway? I don’t think one has been presented. Well, I need to call them something. How about…The Flaming Wangabees! Yeah, that’s it!

A book? Yeah! A B-O-O-o-o-O-o-O-O-K

They used music in the Middle Ages to raise the dead? If I’m not mistaken, a ritual of that variety may very well result in zombies. Zombies made of rocks, rocks that would invariably be hard…it’s all coming together.

Aw, fuck-nuts! The midgets are back!

Haha, he gave that fucker a hand, all right! Literally! Sort of. Fucken midgets.

This is just…inexplicable. So The Flaming Wangabees show up in town and thoroughly run amok with their wacky hi-jinks and shenanigans. Seriously, if there was a book on amok running, hi-jinks and shenanigans, it would be written by these wonderful homosexuals. They run such an amok through this peaceful Midwestern, midget ridden, town, that all of the women are turned into instant screaming nymphomaniacs while all the men can do is watch, chewing on toothpicks, utterly perturbed and perplexed by the blatant showing of wacky amok running, growing ever the more agitated with every scene of disco dancing,

"You! Yeah, you! What the fuck did you just say to us?"

silly photo taking,


miming,

"What? What the...My god, I'm trapped!"

skateboarding, posing, walking in single file lines for short distances followed immediately by even more spontaneous and random disco dancing.

"Don't you turn your back on us, you son of a bitch! YAGGHH!"

"I'm perturbed!"

One guy even did that thing where you jump into the air and clap your feet together. Yeah, like that.

Ever try that? I did, and I fell over. Just goes to show how adept these fellows are at their shenaniganizing. You can tell they’ve had much practice. Did I mention this is all a montage? And it’s set to music that would best be described as…umm…shitty? Yeah, that’ll do. Awesome.

That mustachioed mullet monster just got told the fuck off. Serves him right. Fucking shenanigans.

Now he’s in love with a girl who looks maybe 16 at the oldest named Cassie. Seriously, this guy has some weird sexual hang ups. First he’s gay, now he’s into underage girls. He must have been molested as a child.

Who the fuck wears an ascot? Seriously?

Mulletstache: “Your neat”
Cassie: “No I’m not”
Mulletstache: “Yeah, y’ar”
Cassie: “No I’m not”
Mulletstache: “Yeah y’ar”
Cassie: “No I’m not”
Mulletstache: “YES YOU FUCKING Y’AR!!!”

They were arrested, presumably for running amok in a public thoroughfare without the proper licensing.

Oh god! Old people fucking! Old german people fucking! Now the demon midgets want to get in on that action? This is like if David Lynch made a porn flick.

Their instruments were booby-trapped! They’re being electrocuted! That is so fucking metal!

“My national enquirer says musicians can’t play a single note unless they eat drugs first!” They could, but it’d sound like shit.

Self…abuse? This old man seems to be having trouble grasping the concept at first, once he understands, though, he starts making exaggerated wanking off motions with his hand and goes into a diatribe about a goat, then he pantomimes exactly what it was he did with said goat. I dunno, that sounds more like goat abuse to me.

The psycho chick from the beginning of the movie hops into a shower. Eager to get down with some penetration, one of the members of the Flaming Wangabees hops in with her (obviously trying to prove something to himself…) only to get more penetration than he bargained for when she stabs him. A shitload.

Wait a minute, where did she hide that knife in the shower?

And now, BAM, an old woman (Who I’m assuming is Eva Braun) just turned into a werewolf! Then, BAM, Braunwolf just busted out duel switchblades (That’s fucking two, bitches!) and disemboweled a man! BAM!

The visage of inevitable destruction

Meanwhile the townsfolk are destroying every rock and or roll record they can find with hammers and the shower chick is dancing out somewhere in the desert. Must be her post stabbing ritual or something?

Now the fearless mullet-beast/front man of the Flaming Wangabees is being chased by a psycho armed with a weed-whacker and throwing knives! Haha! Now he’s dead. This movie rocks. Hard. Now we just need some fucking zombies.

Oh. Now…Hitler? What in the name of the moose that lives in my back yard is going on right now? Hitler’s alive? And he’s trying to take over the world? Again?

The Flaming Wangabees have all been brutally slain. Must all be part of Hitler’s nefarious plot to…?

Ah, there’re the Rock Hard Zombies! Time to open up good old fashioned American hard rock inspired ass whupping on those filthy Nazis. And their pet midgets, too!

Jesus Christ! There’s 40 more minutes of running time? The movie’s only half over? I can’t make it, this is just too much hard rocking zombies all at once for me to handle. I need a break.

Alright, it’s been about 18 hours and I’m ready! Ready to rock! Hard! With Zombies! Yeah!

They magically came back from the dead. Now they’re zombies, And they’re doing the robot!

Sweet vengeance! They’re killing everyone! It’s a hideous montage of dancing 80’s zombies brutally murdering all who oppose them!

For some reason their gait is remarkably similar to that of the common household robot. Were they robots before? Then they came back as zombies?



Once again, Rock & Roll saves the day…from Hitler. And werewolves. And midgets.

“What is it?”
“The farm! Hitler! Nazis!”
My God…not again…

It seems a refugee from the Ten Commandments has magically transported into the movie to explain everything about Hitler before dying for no reason.

“Will they hurt Jesse?”
“Jesse’s a big boy, he can take care of himself. Besides, he’s dead”

Eva Braunwolf is still alive, and now she’s a zombie, too! And Hitler’s returned once again, also as a zombie!

You thought he was bad when he was alive? You ain't seen shit!

Now you see what happens when you stand between Hitler-zombie and his heinous plot to…do…things? Nazi related things? I don’t know, the point is he’ll wrench your head right off your fucking shoulders then he and his werewolf old lady will have sex on your corpse, laughing! They actually didn’t do that last part, unfortunately. They were thinking about it though.

"What did you say about my mustache? How DARE you! Eat my rage, bitch!"

So, everyone killed by a zombie…becomes a zombie? Even midgets? Fascinating

Even after they’re long dead and have become zombies and murdered Hitler and Eva Braun and several midgets, still the only thing on their minds is rocking the ever-holy shit out of anyone unfortunate enough to be within hearing distance of their manic musical gyrations. Now that’s dedication.

Hate to break it to you, Mullet-machine, but Cassie’s a chick. Just thought you should know.

Hey you zombie fucks, my ears are still intact! You’re only rocking at a 28% success rate; copious ear bleeding doesn’t occur until you get to at least a 67% and until then, you ain’t showing me shit!

There’s only one thing worse than a nazi midget, and that’s a nazi midget zombie. Would midgets even be allowed to be Nazis? Maybe after the collapse of his nazi empire Hitler had to adopt more lenient standards.

“Ghouls hate heads, the way satan hates the church”
“So what do we do?”
I see where you're going with this, they all need to band together and build a church out of their own heads. Ingenious! Really, though, heads? Why? Did you just make that shit up to sound smart? Cause it’s working.

They’ve successfully moved up to 32% rockitude. Still not good enough, though.

This movie better end with The Flaming Wangabees rocking out with a song that is entirely composed of unanimous solos (Drum, bass and guitars) and the word “Skat-cheese” repeated in a high pitched shriek over and over again and played at such a speed that it sounds like nothing more than a constant, ear splitting buzz so intense that every characters head just fucking explodes.

“You can’t take that inside, I just washed the floor, it’s dripping!’
“Oh, I’m so sorry, he can just wait out here.
That’s her boy friends severed head she’s referring too. He was decapitated by a tiny terror I like to call Manfredo! The Undead Nazi Midget!

Manfredo has gone on a nazi-rage fueled bloodpage (Like a rampage, but alot more blood) through the country side that would best be described as “whimsically comical” involving him throwing severed heads at people and biting cows.

Go, Manfredo, GO!

The other Nazi Midget slave, the one that looks like a Muppet that’s been smoking meth every day for 12 years, is eating himself limb by limb.

Why? Because he's sterile and he likes the taste.

And now the townsfolk are being eaten by zombies, all the while the Flaming Wangabees play their show to their audience of one, utterly apathetic to the chaos that reigns down upon the town around them.

I never realized how cool leopard spotted pants really are until now.

And now ALL the zombies are on stage, dancing! It’s like Thriller, only with slightly fewer Nazis.

“The ghouls returned to their grave after ravaging a virgin in the moonlight at midnight, it’s the only way they have sex”
Wait, so your new plan is to find a virgin and hand her over to be gang-raped by zombies? Dude! I like the way you think!

They’re not interested in your money or your “contracts”! They were made to ROCK and by God, that’s what they’re gonna do!

There are just too many miraculously awesome set pieces to describe, here. I really can’t do this film justice.

Oh no, they’ve got Cassie! The 14 year old girl that the 28 year old zombie leader of the Flaming Wangabees is inexplicably in love with! And they’re going to “Tie her up and let all the ghouls screw her to death” I don’t think he wants “Ghouls he created screwing her to death” does he? No, he certainly does not. Time for these Hard Rocking zombie motherfuckers to finally prove their skills of Rocking the Fuck Out to the world with a song 98% composed of pure zombie DESTRUCTION! All we need is mass head explosions and my prediction has come to fruition!

They’re performing their song on a big rock out in the desert outside of a cave. Where do they hook up their amps you may ask? Real hard rock zombies don’t need things like electricity or Microphones or Amplifiers. Their music is so hard and rockin that it spills out over the land in a wave of pure badassitude akin to 90 billion hell spawned brain-hungry bat demons ravaging the entire country side with their razor sharp teeth of Rock and Roll and shooting Lava-blood out of their nostrils while all screaming in unison the lyrics for AC/DC’s Thunderstruck so loud that even deaf people’s brains scramble in their heads and shoot out of their nostrils!

All of the zombies have been lured into an underground complex where they’re being melted due to some kind of corrosive anti-zombie gas.

And Hitler meets his final end. Or has he…? Yes. Yes he has. His face fucking melted off, dude! Haha, ironic that Hitler is finally defeated by being locked in a gas chamber.

Pwned.