The Dentist: Real Time Review

The Dentist: Real Time Review

Premise: A documentary chronicling Corbin Bernsen’s tragic early foray in the field of Oral Health.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0116075/


This Dentist doesn’t just clean your teeth. He cleans…YOUR SOUL!! And he kills you, too. But that’s just incidental, really.

Corbin Bernsen of Nash Bridges and Ken Foree of Keenan and Kel star together for the first and last time!

“I had a beautiful wife, a beautiful home. We had a perfect life together” You’re wife is sucking off the pool guy in the back yard; you’re a psychotic dentist. Perfect? By all reasonable definitions, as close to it as you can get.

“Things are going to hell around here! This has got to stop!” Shut your face and go brush your fucking teeth for the 18th time today you jerk off.

THE DENTIST: “You were dressed like that in front of the pool man?”
Wife of THE DENTIST: “ I was wearing a robe”
THE DENTIST: “You gotta be careful!”
Yeah, she might accidentally fall onto the pool guy’s coincidentally erect and exposed penis. Happens all the time.

Oh… Doctor Feinstone. Excuse me Doctor, I guess I was under the false impression that you were a dentist.

Jerk.

Imperfect teeth make him CRrRaZY!

Jesus Christ this Pool Guy’s got quite a little racket going on here with these Suburban house wives…How do you go about getting a job cleaning pools anyway?

A positive dental experience is very important. You know what key to having a positive dental experience is? Not being murdered.

What a gas huffing nut bag. All dentists are the same I tell ya

Probably dentists

I’m kind of confused. Does he really know his wife is fucking the pool cleaner or is he just assuming? Seems a bit extreme, going absolutely bat-fuck fuck crazy over an assumption.

Fucking overreacting parents. Bleeding and extreme pain is what dentistry is all about. It’s best the kid learns it early in life.

I wonder why they never made a killer optometrist movie. He could have spikes in those lens thingies that shoot out, and acidic eye drops and stuff. And instead of lasers that correct your vision he can have lasers that cut off your face!

And here’s Mark Ruffalo in his break out role as…what the fuck is he supposed to be? A pimp?

Some beauty pageant contestant (prostitute) is going to the dentists accompanied by Mark Ruffalo (in his break out role), to have her teeth cleaned. I wish more prostitutes would do likewise

What was that strange substance all over his crotch? It looked like vomit. How did it get in his pants? Do dentists vomit from their crotch? I knew I should have watched that Animal Planet special about Dentists.

He’s finger face fucking this passed out beauty queen. I find it quite hard to believe most dentists don’t do this when they have the chance, what with all of them being sociopaths and all.

He thought he was making out with his wife but apparently he strangled and partially undressed some random patient. Talk about awkward.

Now she’s calling for Steve. Apparently Steve is Mark Ruffalo, her pimp.

Oh, Client, eh? Is that what you call it? And I take it you’re her “manager” too right?

The Dentist was groping his “client” without paying the standard fee of 46 dollars and 57 cents. Ruffalo is gonna have to pop one in this dentist’s ass with his gold plated Colt .45. No need to play around Ruffalo, we all know what you are; go ahead and bust out the long brimmed felt hat with the peacock feather and the purple, tiger stripped zoot suit. Throw in some gold chains and a long mink coat while you’re at it. Embrace your profession!

This is Mark Ruffalo

And this is was a pimp is supposed to look like

THE DENTIST: “You don’t understand the lack of respect in a world that goes on ignoring dental hygiene!” Yeah…that’s the problem, alright. I guess you'll just have to take out everyone's teeth, that way they'll have no way to disrespect the teeth they don't have or the dentists they no longer need. Do it.

I gotta tell you, this movie’s scared me straight. From now on I’m gonna start brushing my teeth way more. Like at least 4 times a week or so. Might even floss on occasion. I’ll never have to go to the dentist again! Fucker’s not stringing my teeth on his trophy necklace, the filthy savage.

Twist and Yank. Twist and Yank. That’s what it’s all about. Remember that and it’ll be a breeze. You just gotta twist and yank! See! Like that! Corbin Bernsen’s really got his Twist/Yank method down. It's all in the wrist, see. Sturdy set of pliers doesn't hurt, either.

Corbin Bernsen plays a fondle happy, teeth ripping clean freak psycho dentist who more than likely has a severe Nitrous Oxide addiction like no one else could. Maybe it's because he's not playing a role at all. . .

You be the judge

Jerky. Is. Good. I like it a lot. It’s really expensive though. I guess the Jerkying process takes a lot of money. But it’s worth it.

“I could ask her when she wakes up” hahaha! That is so NOT TRUE! She can’t talk anymore! What the hell man?! He just pulled her teeth and cut her tongue out. Does he not remember this? Why would he say that if he knows it’s not true? Oh, I see, If he told the cops that he might get in trouble. Well played, Denty McStabbins.

Goddamn pool cleaners. Always stealing honest dentists wives away.

It almost seems as if he’s had experience stabbing people before. Who am I kidding? He’s a dentist, of course he has.

Probably a dentist

He’s tortured the bejeezus out of his wife and stabbed the unholy fuck out of her pool boy fuck buddy. Now it’s back to business. The business of dentinizing the innocent masses!

Don’t question The Dentist damn you! He’s in the middle of a procedure, can’t you see!

“I’m going to report you to the dental association!”
Yeah, that’ll teach him. Or you could just, you know? Call the cops. Seeing as he’s torturing and molesting patients. Seems like something they oughta be clued in on.

Guess you can’t now. What with you being dead and such.

Cop: “when are you gonna see a dentist about that tooth?”
Ken Foree: “I’d rather live with the pain”
That Ken Foree is one smart motherfucker. Man, I wish Keenan and Kel was still on. I want some fucking orange soda.

I do!

What kind of a jerk-off blackmails a dentist then lies down and lets him work on his teeth? Especially a dentist that happens to be Corbin Bernsen, that’s twice as dangerously criminally insane as a normal dentist.

Haha, he’s drilling this guys tongue off. That’s what happens when you try to fight a drill with your tongue, ass-hat. The drill always wins. Always.

If you can’t afford to have a bad day then why are you killing off your nursing staff and torturing your patients? Not a very smart business move. I don’t think this guy is thinking straight. Oh, wait, he's a dentist, of course he's not.

Ken Foree: “He’s a dentist, they’re capable of anything”
Ken Foree speaks the truth!

Fuck Dentists: A PSA from Ken Foree

Now he’s speaking some kind of satanic dentist language. Or is that Finnish? I can’t tell the difference. I think Dentists originated from Scandinavia, they have the crazy Viking torture blood running through they’re veins, that’s the problem.

The first dentist

Now for the obligatory final chase scene. Some girl who’s dying to get her braces out might do just that…get her braces out… when he blows her fucking teeth from her head with his little James Bond gun. God, what a puny little hand-gun, no wonder your wife started fucking the pool cleaner.

He’s going to shoot her in the mouth! Well, at least you won’t need braces anymore. That’s a plus, right?

“You can’t hide, not from your Dentist. I know where you are!”
He’s not fucking around, Dentists can smell fear. And tarter.

“Why didn’t you answer when I called you Sarah?”
Because you’re a Dentist? Oh, and a serial killer, but mostly the first reason.

“Please Doctor Feinstone!”
Yeah, don’t call him "Mister Feinstone" or he’ll flip out…more so than he already has, that is.

They made a bargain. She’ll brush her teeth three times and day and never eat candy again and he won’t shoot her in the face. Seems like a fair trade to me.

Alright, I’ve been fucking around so far but it’s time to get serous. Did you know every serial killer in recorded history has had at least one book on dentistry in their possesion, and at some point tried to pursue a career in the field? Furthermore, 89.64% of the missing people in America were last reported seen at a dentist’s office. These are facts, queerbos. Breath it in. It's just a small sampling of the tons and tons of docmented evidence that proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that all dentists are are brain-shitting wackaboos, jerking off nightly to the thought of killing you and everyone you love and then grinding your teeth into a paste to use as lube to do weird things to your dead body. Yeah. Knowing, fuckers, it's half the battle. The other half is going to take place when you inevitibaly find yourself in a life or death struggle with a pack of foaming-at-the-mouth nut-bag dentists. Take it from me, a gun beats a drill any day of the fucking week. Except for Tuesdays for some reason.

Probably dentists

Oh, and you think Dentists are bad? I don’t even want to think about Orthodontists.

I guess I’ll just go ahead and cut out my wisdom teeth myself, then. I suggest you do like me and put together a emergency home tooth-care kit. Essential items include: vodka, razor blades, needle nosed pliers, whipped cream chargers, and lots and lots of banana peels.

Or I'll fucking kill you!