Alien vs Hunter: Real Time Review

Alien vs Hunter: Real Time Review

Premise: An alien fights a hunter. In the woods. Plus also lasers.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1094162/


Asylum Home Entertainment: entertainment for homes.

Entertain me!

This review marks a historic occasion. It’s the first and only one I’ve written in the state of Arizona!

Aright, let’s run down the list, here -
Mini Tacos: Check
Drink: Check
Computer: Check
Chair: Check
Fabulously shitty movie: let’s hope so

“Hell you sounded like you just saw a massive extra-terrestrial vehicle imbedded half way into the mountainside … Oh, shit”

“This phone sucks!”
“Not as much as your MOM! Haha! Oh, wait, she’s dead…

“It wasn’t a bear!”
“Alien, whatever it is”
Maybe an…alien bear? A refugee from the Savage Planet perhaps?

*Alien attacks*
“Aggh, Chupacabra!”
I knew it, earth Chupacabras are from Space!

Lasers!

Robots!

Those things.

So far the sets have included…A room, another room, the woods and outside of a trailer. Thrifty.

Alright, near as I can tell, an alien crashed on earth and it’s being hunted by a robot. With lasers. Meanwhile, people keep going from a room, out into the forest, and back to the room deliberating on what they’re next move should be. Presumably their options being stay in the room, or venture back to the forest.

I don’t know why they’re all so intent on staying in the room, I mean, those windows look like they’re made out of glass, not the best protection against most types of alien.

Oh: Check!

What the fuck is a dede fiffer? Is that supposed to be a name?

Oh, for fucks fucking sake. This is just starting to get aggravating. People are just sitting in a room (a different one this time, though) arguing about things. Supposedly the alien is still out there being hunted by that robot. You know, the one with the lasers.

Something’s odd. Whenever they’re hiding in flimsy rooms composed of wood, drywall and glass the Alien is off and about, the second they leave the room, however, it’s on their asses like an obese junkie on a cupcake filled with heroin. Based on this observation I put forth the proposition that this alien is afflicted with a fatal allergy to…rooms! I guess?

Striking fear into the hearts of aliens across the galaxy

Laserbot is on the prowl. Prepare to meet your lasery, laser abundant doom!

Who the fuck does this guy think he is? Bert Gummer? Huh? You think you’re Bert Gummer, do ya? Huh? Is that what you think? Yeah? Really? Well guess what! You;re no Bert Gummer! There’s only one Bert Gummer you Bert Gummer wannabe son of a bitch, and his name is Bert Fucking Gummer!

Alien on Hunter action the likes of which I’ve never before witnessed! Mostly because I’ve not seen this movie before.

Haha! He laser fucked that alien! Those laser beams may have well have been long purple colored translucent penises composed of monochromatic, coherent, light. I'm smart.

Flying through the air at the speed of a laser.

Robot: “Prepare to taste the fanciful power of my Laser gadget, mortal!”
Dude: “Fanciful?”
*Pew pew*

Have I mentioned that this “hunter” robot looks like a medieval night wearing a Vietnamese coolie hat? And I’m pretty sure it’s part of his head, and not just an accessory. Honestly, what’s the point of the hat? Sensetive eyes?

Now instead of alternating between the room and the forest every 45 seconds, they’re alternating between the forest and these supposed “underground tunnels”. Really, though, the "underground tunnels" just look like a different, shittier, room. So far the entire movie has been a group of two people moving from one set to another. And so far there’ve only been like 5 different sets. Like I said, thrifty.

This is seriously the 14th most boring movie I’ve seen that involves aliens and robots fighting that also stars William Katt. Yeah, he's been in 14 of these fucking things. Look it up.

Don't actually look it up, though.

What the fuck is Hunter doing out here anyway, hunting aliens? That’s not his job, he needs to leave that shit up to the professionals.

The professionals

Ok, so people are either wandering aimlessly through “underground tunnels” or a separate group of people are wandering, not quite as aimlessly, mind you, through the forest. The people in the forest at least have guns, so that’s kind of less astoundingly boring. Actually, no, it’s all the same level of boring.

This. Movie. Sucks. Ass. It has lasers, robots and aliens and it still manages to suck. Almost worse than anything I’ve ever witnessed before. May God strike all who were involved with this film dead, as well as their entire families. Dead by bear mauling. And not grizzly bears, either. That’d be too good for them. No, not grizzly bears, but…uhh…Cinnamon Bears! A subspecies of the American Black Bear, dubbed Cinnamon bear after it’s red-brown fur, reminiscent in color to the popular culinary spice.

Imagine one of these fuckers eating your family. You don't want to, do you?

This movie is worse than a moose fart channeled through the rotting corps of a Guamanian cab driver. And anyone who has smelled that knows how bad that is.

I’m going to drown myself in the kitchen sink. If God doesn’t want me to die he will shut the movie off before I do so… Aw, fuck it. I don’t care enough about life at this point to kill myself.

The militant survivalist rounded up all his militant survivalist friends to hunt down and destroy the alien menaces.

“I hate cowboys”Another layer to the rich tapestry of characterization.

Fuck you.

It feels like I’ve been watching this movie for nine hours longer than I actually have been.

This guy just got lasered right in the gut. I like to think that these were the last words to go through his head…

I was caught
In the middle of a laser-beam track - Laser
I looked round
And I knew there was no turning back - Laser
My mind raced
And I thought what could I do - Laser
And I knew
There was no help, no help from you - Laser
Sound of the lasers
Beatin' in my heart
The laser of lasers
Tore me apart
I’ve been – laserstruck!

Thank you AC/DC


*Pew pew*
“Hey, you guys hear something?”
*Pew pew*
“Whoa! What the hell was that?!”
*Pew pew*
“Oh shit, lasers!

Lasers go "Pew" by the way

Were there really only eight people living in this fucking town?

Holy shit! It’s an invisible robot? With lasers?! Talk about the ultimate killing machine!

And it knows Judo!

I was gonna say…something. I can’t remember what itwas any more. I think this movie is marking me dumber the longeer I have am seeing it?. Maybre I dhould? d d, whay the werds why gio ma bran@ edeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee42

Oh, Christ, I think I almost went into a coma. What’s going on? Robots? What the fuck!?

Wait, did they kill the alien? It’s over? Oh, thank you Jesus! Thank you God! Thank you Buddah, Ra, Odin, Zeus, Billy Zane, whoever the fuck you are, just, thank you.

Hey, guess what? I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the second worst movie I’ve ever seen in my entire life

Whoa…wait…so the robot was just a dude dressed as a robot? From another planet? That speaks English? Aw, fuck it. I am so far past the point of caring. I’m just glad it’s over.

.