Zombi 4: Real Time Review

Zombi 4: Real Time Review

Premise: Voodoo. Zombies. Chest Hair.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094620/


Some awful Voodoo zombie bitch is puking nasty looking goo all over her self and then she dies. Movie off to a good start

I’m beginning to think that the movies in this series have no consistency.

That voodoo witch doctor has flabby man tits

Uh Oh another one of those pesky “Doors to hell” has been opened.

The vomiting voodoo zombie bitch from the start came back to life and flew out of the ground with super strength. Yay!!

Wow this is some terrible dialogue. I’m laughing at it. LAUGHING!!!

Haha some dude got his face pulled the fuck off! Nice.

Wow this movie sure doesn’t waste any time, we just jumped right into it. Voodoo, zombies, vomit, deface-ification. No warm up or anything.

Voodoo zombie bitch crushed some dudes head. Pretty much right off the bat three, no - no make that four people have suffered massive head trauma. This movie is definitely off to a better start than the previous.

Holy Nuts! This just doesn’t let up! Some other dude just got his throat bit out! It still sucks, but I’ll be damned if I’m not entertained.

Ok a bunch of cloaked zombies came out of nowhere and bit this chick to death. That brings the death toll to 6 and it’s been what? Eleven minutes? This movie ROCKS!

This still isn’t making much since but who the shit cares?

Introducing the main characters and playing a song I think I first heard in one of the Rocky movies. I don’t think I care about any of these people. I want them all to die.

This movie has gone so down hill. the first eleven minuets had torn off faces, broken necks, gun shot wounds, zombie voodoo puke all over everything and now its been a solid five minutes of nothing. The final score is steadily dropping.

More fist fighting zombies just like the last one. And the funniest look of shock I’ve ever seen as some dude discovers that the thing he just KOed was actually a cloaked zombie. That would be pretty shocking.

They’re trying to explain why there are a bunch of zombies running around on the island. It’s all pointless. I wish they’d show some exploding heads or something. I’m coming down from my gore fix and it’s not gunna be pretty (leaving to get a bucket and a mop).

They found a stash of guns. Those’ll come in handy for blowing off heads, now get to it already!

This one soldier guy has a very, very hairy chest…I'm simutenously highly disturbed and highly envious.


“The Book of the Dead? come on, try reading some”
“No, don’t do it, you might release evil forces”
Nice to see someone is thinking logically.


Finally some more people got zombifucked (my special word for when people get fucked up by zombies) one guy got his head bit off and then some chick got touched to death, they didn’t really do anything to her, they just kinda…like, grabbed at her face for a little while and she died…I guess.

Hairy chested soldier was about to make out with some hot lady before getting epically cock-blocked by an angry zombie. Chest-hair got pissed off and started yelling and people were screaming and zombies and some dude came out and all of this doesn’t matter because FINALLY someone got there head blown off! YES!

These zombies jump through the air and fist fight like professional stunt men.

They also have an odd tendency to stand still for extended periods of time.

Tommy jumps out from behind a curtain with his decomposing face practically peeling off his skull, puking green slime and growling like a grizzly bear in a cheez itz factory and someone thinks to inquire: “Tommy what’s happened to you?” Not surprisingly Tommy fails to respond, maybe the green slime that is constantly streaming out of his mouth is impeding his speech, but I have this nutty idea that it actually has more to do with the fact that HE’S A FUCKING ZOMBIE!!!!!!!

Hairy chested soldier flipped his shit, jumped over a wall of flames and killed a whole crowd of zombies with the butt of his rifle.

All the zombies stop moving and one of the dumbshits says something to the effect of: “Don’t shoot they’re not moving”, Now I’m no Navy Seal or anything but wouldn’t be easiest to shoot something while it's not moving?

Hairy chested soldier dude got killed by the zombies. Good now I won’t have to look at is Sean Connery-esque chest beard anymore.

Oh, Jesus Christ! He's back as a zombie. Is this movie fucking with me? Well at least his hair is less prominent, but now he has two massive holes where his nipples should be, which is even more disturbing. Why would the zombies eat his nips? I really shouldn't be thinking about this.

Hairy soldier zombie just shot one of his soldier friends in the leg and ate him. That hairy bastard just won’t stay down!!!!

The guy who Hairy Zombie No-nips bit asked to be shot so he wouldn’t come back but they didn’t do it. Instead they covered his body with a sheet and turned there backs on him apparently confident in the sheets ability to restrain zombies.

There confidence was misplaced. He came back from the dead and shot the black guys knee-caps out. I told you that sheet was never gunna hold him!

The black guy makes a valiant last stand, reminds me of a Friday the 13th movie.

Haha! Black Guy just blew the fuck out of those zombie bastards! It’s funny though, they’re smart enough to talk and use guns and run and jump through the air, but they just stand there when a grenade is about to go off.

The two leads are running away from the zombie horde, here’s hoping they trip and fall into the ocean and get eaten by sharks. I wanna watch Jaws again.

A zombie just punched through the lead guys chest and the lead girls hair and eyes started falling out then she turned into a zombie. A fitting end brings the movie up a bit in my book.

Zombi 3: Real Time Review

Zombi 3: Real Time Review

Premise: All of the best things about life converge on film.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096511/


Great, great, fucking music!

Those birds sure look real.

I think they’re trying a bit too hard to make this dude out to be the “evil military guy” what with all the “Kill all the people in the contaminated area and bury them in a mass grave” talk. Funny how he specifies “mass”, what other kind of grave would it be with dozens and dozens of corpses in it?

Pulsating wounds creep me out

Stop walking backwards you stupid knob. Fucker was walking backwards for about 46 seconds straight.

What the fuck?! How is a severed zombie head flying through the air? Why would it be that? What the fuck is that shit? What the fuck?!

“I’m feeling better Patricia, but I’m thirsty, for your blood!!!”
Wow. Just, wow.

So these zombies can fight and talk and even make threats, too. A zombie dude and a normal dude zombie are fighting. This is the first movie I’ve seen where a zombie punches a guy in the face.

A zombie just jumped off a bed and hurled himself through a second story window…sweet.

Exploding head equals higher rating from me!

How did that zombie get on the ceiling? And under the dock? and in the wall? What the fuck is this? a zombie fun house?

Some guy threw a zombie off of a five foot drop onto wet sand and killed it. Sand's really not that hard. It's actually fairly soft. Few things would die from falling a short distance on to sand. These zombies being one of those things. These zombies are weak. But they are resourceful, I’ll give em’ that.

Another exploding head makes this almost worth my time.

Don’t tell me that Duck is a zombie too!

Some guy who’s name I don’t remember is about to get shot and I’m supposed to care…I don’t.

This scientist always seems to be struggling to remember what he was going to say next. His facial expressions are interesting as well, his performance is the best thing about this movie. Outside of the exploding heads and zombie fist fights of course.

Dumb Bitch #1: “It’s a creepy sound lest go explore even though there are only two of us, you’ve got a broken leg and can barley walk by yourself and we’ve only got a shovel for defense”
Dumb bitch #2: “Hell yes!”

Pregnant women in zombie epidemic - sounds like it should end well

Three soldiers in HAZMAT suits are holding guns on two unarmed guys. The armed soldiers decide to kill the unarmed men and come upon the conclusion that the best course of action is to throw down there weapons!?!?! And karate fight them?!?! While the third gun totting solider sits back watching and mocking the other two soldier’s feeble karate skills. I just spit Iced tea all over EVERYTHING!

HAHA! The pregnant woman ended as well as I thought it would. Definitely brings the movie up a notch or two.

Unarmed men pick up the soldiers guns and kill them all. Serves them right.

“There’s no stopping them even though they’ll die from being shot in the little toe and they walk at about an 8th of the speed we do!!”

Why? Why were there zombies hiding under a pile of hay? Did six people crawl under a pile of hay to die? Or did they die somewhere else, become zombie and then decide “hey lets all six of us crawl under a pile of hay and wait there. that way when some unsuspecting people run by we can pop up right under em’!!! Great idea, right?” and I wouldn't put it past these zombies to actually do that.

Another guy who’s name I don’t remember is about to get shot I think I’m supposed to care about this one too but I still don’t.

That fucking DJ became a zombie at the end, I can’t even think of anything to say.

Shit music is plays over the ending credits. Fits with the rest of the film alright.