Zombi 4: Real Time Review

Zombi 4: Real Time Review

Premise: Voodoo. Zombies. Chest Hair.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094620/


Some awful Voodoo zombie bitch is puking nasty looking goo all over her self and then she dies. Movie off to a good start

I’m beginning to think that the movies in this series have no consistency.

That voodoo witch doctor has flabby man tits

Uh Oh another one of those pesky “Doors to hell” has been opened.

The vomiting voodoo zombie bitch from the start came back to life and flew out of the ground with super strength. Yay!!

Wow this is some terrible dialogue. I’m laughing at it. LAUGHING!!!

Haha some dude got his face pulled the fuck off! Nice.

Wow this movie sure doesn’t waste any time, we just jumped right into it. Voodoo, zombies, vomit, deface-ification. No warm up or anything.

Voodoo zombie bitch crushed some dudes head. Pretty much right off the bat three, no - no make that four people have suffered massive head trauma. This movie is definitely off to a better start than the previous.

Holy Nuts! This just doesn’t let up! Some other dude just got his throat bit out! It still sucks, but I’ll be damned if I’m not entertained.

Ok a bunch of cloaked zombies came out of nowhere and bit this chick to death. That brings the death toll to 6 and it’s been what? Eleven minutes? This movie ROCKS!

This still isn’t making much since but who the shit cares?

Introducing the main characters and playing a song I think I first heard in one of the Rocky movies. I don’t think I care about any of these people. I want them all to die.

This movie has gone so down hill. the first eleven minuets had torn off faces, broken necks, gun shot wounds, zombie voodoo puke all over everything and now its been a solid five minutes of nothing. The final score is steadily dropping.

More fist fighting zombies just like the last one. And the funniest look of shock I’ve ever seen as some dude discovers that the thing he just KOed was actually a cloaked zombie. That would be pretty shocking.

They’re trying to explain why there are a bunch of zombies running around on the island. It’s all pointless. I wish they’d show some exploding heads or something. I’m coming down from my gore fix and it’s not gunna be pretty (leaving to get a bucket and a mop).

They found a stash of guns. Those’ll come in handy for blowing off heads, now get to it already!

This one soldier guy has a very, very hairy chest…I'm simutenously highly disturbed and highly envious.


“The Book of the Dead? come on, try reading some”
“No, don’t do it, you might release evil forces”
Nice to see someone is thinking logically.


Finally some more people got zombifucked (my special word for when people get fucked up by zombies) one guy got his head bit off and then some chick got touched to death, they didn’t really do anything to her, they just kinda…like, grabbed at her face for a little while and she died…I guess.

Hairy chested soldier was about to make out with some hot lady before getting epically cock-blocked by an angry zombie. Chest-hair got pissed off and started yelling and people were screaming and zombies and some dude came out and all of this doesn’t matter because FINALLY someone got there head blown off! YES!

These zombies jump through the air and fist fight like professional stunt men.

They also have an odd tendency to stand still for extended periods of time.

Tommy jumps out from behind a curtain with his decomposing face practically peeling off his skull, puking green slime and growling like a grizzly bear in a cheez itz factory and someone thinks to inquire: “Tommy what’s happened to you?” Not surprisingly Tommy fails to respond, maybe the green slime that is constantly streaming out of his mouth is impeding his speech, but I have this nutty idea that it actually has more to do with the fact that HE’S A FUCKING ZOMBIE!!!!!!!

Hairy chested soldier flipped his shit, jumped over a wall of flames and killed a whole crowd of zombies with the butt of his rifle.

All the zombies stop moving and one of the dumbshits says something to the effect of: “Don’t shoot they’re not moving”, Now I’m no Navy Seal or anything but wouldn’t be easiest to shoot something while it's not moving?

Hairy chested soldier dude got killed by the zombies. Good now I won’t have to look at is Sean Connery-esque chest beard anymore.

Oh, Jesus Christ! He's back as a zombie. Is this movie fucking with me? Well at least his hair is less prominent, but now he has two massive holes where his nipples should be, which is even more disturbing. Why would the zombies eat his nips? I really shouldn't be thinking about this.

Hairy soldier zombie just shot one of his soldier friends in the leg and ate him. That hairy bastard just won’t stay down!!!!

The guy who Hairy Zombie No-nips bit asked to be shot so he wouldn’t come back but they didn’t do it. Instead they covered his body with a sheet and turned there backs on him apparently confident in the sheets ability to restrain zombies.

There confidence was misplaced. He came back from the dead and shot the black guys knee-caps out. I told you that sheet was never gunna hold him!

The black guy makes a valiant last stand, reminds me of a Friday the 13th movie.

Haha! Black Guy just blew the fuck out of those zombie bastards! It’s funny though, they’re smart enough to talk and use guns and run and jump through the air, but they just stand there when a grenade is about to go off.

The two leads are running away from the zombie horde, here’s hoping they trip and fall into the ocean and get eaten by sharks. I wanna watch Jaws again.

A zombie just punched through the lead guys chest and the lead girls hair and eyes started falling out then she turned into a zombie. A fitting end brings the movie up a bit in my book.