The Wicker Man 06': Real Time Review

The Wicker Man 06': Real Time Review

Premise: Nicholas Cage. Bear suit. You do the math.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0450345/

It would be cool if Nick Cage and his police motorcycle magically burst into flame right now. Like in Ghost Rider, except instead of becoming a demonic super hero he burns to death and explodes.

I didn’t think the back windows in cars were laminated.

“I didn’t even know you had a plot” I’ll tell you what does, though, this movie. That’s for damn sure.

“You’re probably laughing at me.”

I know I am

Wow, these island folk sure aren’t creepy or anything. Totally acting like normal people.

Seriously, if these chicks were acting like this around me I’d probably scream and flail my arms about and start spitting on them.

Nicolas Cage approaches the moving, bulging, bleeding burlap sack and opens it to reveal…

…

I can’t think of anything…

Oh, that’s real funny, real fucking funny you fucking whores. What the fuck do you think you’re laughing at! You can’t laugh at Nick Cage! No one can unless you want him to visit you in your sleep and…Oh, I am so fucked.

Mead? What are you, Vikings? There’s a Viking commune off the coast of Washington? Why was I not informed?!

Aw, shit, Nicolas Cage hopped up on mead; I predict a lot of screaming and over the top flailing of the limbs along with odd, and highly disturbing, facial distortions as well as probably more than a few people getting stabbed/punched in the throat in the near future.

Something tells me that the bees will be getting their revenge by the end of this movie…



Oh, they were engaged, she was scared, she ran away; try to guess how much I don’t give a fuck.

Wow, this is such a mystery, so engaging, I can’t wait to find out how the relationship between Nick Cage and his ex-fiancé will resolve itself, how Cage’s feud with the island’s Bee population will develop, why these lady’s are all a bunch of creepy skanks. I’m literally on the edge of my seat…trying to keep myself from leaping up and punching the TV into the fucking drywall.

Random Nicolas Cage Quote Time!
“I want to take his face... off.”
From the movie Face(slash)Off!

Cage narrowly escaped falling through a hole and I narrowly escaped giving a fuck, and by narrowly I mean the opposite of narrow, which would be…wide, I guess.

Fertility festival, eh? Sounds dirty.

The day of tomorrow? You mean you want to know what happens tomorrow? Or the day after tomorrow? Ok, so you want to know what’s happening tomorrow? As in the day immediately following today? I’m still confused. Just fucking kill yourself if you can’t even phrase a simple fucking question!

Stop smiling, you’re creeping me out.

He... Just... Won't... STOP!

Even the little kids are fucking creeps. I’d just kill everyone on the island and use it to raise emus.

“You’re all liars!” You tell those little shits!

“Of course, another plant! Rose!” Yes, a rose IS a plant! Very good!

OH! MY! GOD! He is Rowan's father! HE IS ROWAN'S FATHER!!!! OH MY FUCKING CHRIST! What a shocking and unexpected turn of events.

Random Nicolas Cage Quote Time
“Edwina's insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.”
From the movie Raising Arizona!

Wow, I’m scared. This movie is scary. It’s scaring me. A lot.

“Perhaps I could help you” You could help me by not being a bitch.

“Why are you yelling at me” He’s Nicolas Cage, his voice only comes in two volumes: normal and Screaming Maniac.

Oh, shit, good thing you’re not allergic to bees or anything.

His daughter is made out of bees? I’m not sure I’m understanding this right.

“I treated the danger in the old way” With the bodily fluids of various farm animals?

Nick Cage is getting’ ready to pop this bitch, Oh, yeah…

Oh, shit, RUN!

He’s being such a jerkass.

So the men are nothing but breeding tools? Why is this a problem?

Random Nicolas Cage Quote Time
“Yeah.”
From the movie The Rock!

The word “Rowan” has now lost all meaning.

“HOW’D IT GET BURNED, HOW’D IT GET BURNED???!!!!!!!!!!” I can figure this one out, I know it! Just let me think for a second… Maybe you ran it over with your flaming motorcycle?

Did he just jack that chick’s bike at gunpoint?
“(pulls gun) Step away from the bike!”
Yep, he sure did.

“I don’t need anyone’s goddamn permission!” He’s Nicolas Cage, that goes without saying.

“Very soon you’ll be an entire family of bears!” I’m going to pretend that makes sense for the sake of my own peace of mind.

I’m getting the feeling that these island folk are perhaps slightly less than what would be classically defined as mentally stable.

So this bitch starts mouthing off to Mr. Cage making some smartass remark about how he’s “looking worse for wear” He just looks at her as if he discovered she drank his last Rock Star even though it was clearly labeled “NICOLAS CAGE” in felt pen and was on HIS side of the refrigerator, and walks up to her then punches her right in the fucking face! He’s not having that shit! That’s what you get! You drink my fucking Rock Star, bitch! I’ll fucking kill you! I had to wake up at 5am yesterday!

Holy fuck! Did he just sidekick Leelee Sobieski in the face! He totally did! Right in the face! He was struggling with her for a little bit then this terrible kind of resolve came over his face and he let loose with the fiercest fucking sidekick I’ve seen since last Tuesday. What kind of a name is Leelee, anyway?

Random Nicolas Cage Quote Time:
“You *don't*... *treat*... *women*... *like*... *that*!”
From the movie Con Air!

Now…he’s wearing…a bear suit? Because: A. he needs it to hide from the psycho hookers that inhabit the island and: B. because it’s awesome. Bears are awesome. Bear suits are awesome, and it’s cool to dress like a bear. Cage realizes this and takes advantage of it to it’s full potential.

Nick Cage the Amazing Two Legged Side Kicking Karate Bear just strides right up to this lady and bear punches her right in the face with his amazing bear fists of bear fury! While wearing a suit clearly modeled after a bear, probably a black bear(Ursus americanus)

. . .BEARS!!!!!

NO! Don’t take the bear suit off! It is the source of all your powers!

A recreation of the scene in which Nicholas Cage punches a woman in the face whilst dressed as a bear.

Wait, she survived being punched in the face by Nicolas Cage? How? Probably because he wasn’t wearing his Super Bear power suit of bear pummeling rage at the time.

“I swear to god I will shoot you!” Listen to him, man, he’s Nick Cage he don’t give a fuck! He’s a maniac! A FUCKING MANIAC!!!!!!!!

This never would have happened if you left your bear suit on…

“You bitches! You bitches!” Now that’s just rude, man. Not cool. Not cool at all.

“Killing me won’t bring back your goddamn honey!”

Show’s how much YOU know! You killed one of their kind and now the bees refuse to work. This act of divine retribution is the ONLY way to get the honey back!…wait, that’s not why they’re doing it? They think that by sacrificing Nicolas Cage to they’re pagan goddess the bees will start producing honey again? That’s just crazy. What a bunch of fuck-jobs these bitches are.

What is it? It’s the bee helmet!!! I told you the bees would have they’re vengeance!

“NOT THE BEES, NOT THE BEES! THEY’RE IN MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!! ARGAGRAGARGAOLOGARA YOGULEOGGLEEYOOOOO!!!!”… end quote. They should definitely show this clip if Cage ever goes on Inside the Actors Studio again.

They burnt him alive in this huge effigy made from some type of wood. Probably teak.


Just for the hell of it…


“Hey! My mom lives in a trailer!”
Con Air

“I just wanna find some *rockets*!”
The Rock

“And this here's the TV.”
Raising Arizona