Grizzly Rage: Real Time Review

Grizzly Rage: Real Time Review

Premise: Grizzly + Rage = People getting fucked up.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0896816/

“A sci fi channel original” Yes! The stamp of quality.

Oh, you’re gonna start crying? Well I’m gonna start crying too, because this movie fucking blows! Just kidding, I just got here, movie started 6 minutes ago, what’d I miss? Where’s the raging grizzlies? Or the grizzly rage? Either way.

30 seconds and already I’m bored.

I’m thinking, maybe that fence was there for a reason? What kind or reason? To keep people out? No, I think it was there to keep something…IN! Like a, oh, I don’t know, Rage fueled grizzly bear for example?!

You don’t believe it? You cruised through the forest at full speed in your fucking jeep! Know what’s in the forest? TREES! Here’s a little equation to try to explain things: Speeding car + Large, practically immovable tree = fuck!

Ah, the grizzly’s rage becomes clear. At first I thought perhaps it had been infected with some kind of rage virus, but now I see that it’s rage is much more akin to the rage suffered by the Orca, from the movie “Orca”. It’s revenge rage! Vengeance minded momma grizzlies filled with unholy rage due to the horrible murder of their child at the hands of a bunch of reckless Meth heads (I assume) are not a pretty sight. Take it from me, I live in Alaska, if there’re two things we have plenty of, it’s grizzly bears and meth heads.

Wait. You know there is a bear out in the forest right? A bear seeking vengeance on you and your friends, right? You know bears are significantly bigger and faster than people, right? And they have claws and teeth and such. I mean, you know a bear can kill you, right? So, you know there’s a bear out there that wants to kill you and is capable of killing you, so why are you wandering around in the forest on your own? You think your some kind of Karate Bear Fighter or something? Well let me tell you, there is only ONE Karate Bear Fighter, my friend. And if you want to see him in action watch the film “Karate Bear Fighter” Starring Sonny Chiba! He fights a bear, with the power of his Karate! I don’t think this little vag even knows karate!

I don’t even see anything chasing him. Is it some kind of ninja stealth grizzly?

Ok, I’m going to use this commercial break to try to clear some things up in my mind. So, a bunch of stupid cunts decide to break into some kind of wild life park, they drive along on a tiny, winding dirt road at 90 miles an hour, hit a bear cub, realize that it’s mom is out for blood, then their car breaks down, and one of them decides to run off through the forest on his own for some reason at which point he is slashed across the face and then grabbed by some unknown creature with big brown furry mittens, then thrown through the air, and every once and a while we cut to a grizzly bear screaming. So, was the grizzly bear screaming at the man with the big furry mittens? Was he trying to warn that dude that some kind of furry mitten wearing serial killer was sneaking up on him? Man, What’s the connection between that grizzly bear and the killer furry mittens? Damnit! I can’t figure it out!

Wait, do you mean to tell me that the grizzly bear was the one wearing the furry mittens! Well that just doesn’t make sense, I mean, why would a grizzly bear need mittens?

“Where’s rich?!”
“Get in the car!”
“Where’s rich?!”
“Get in the car!”
“WHERE’S RICH?!”
“IN THE CAR!”
“Oh…ok, then.”

Wait, their car works now? Since when? Why didn’t they just drive away earlier, then? Well, I guess it doesn’t work any more, since that guy just flipped it over. For no reason. How hard is it to not drive off of a road? Honestly. How hard? Even I can do it. Are these people really supposed to be worse drivers than I am?

I wish this movie would turn into one of those “Messin’ with Sasquatch” commercials, with the grizzly bear running out of no where and body slamming one of these fuckers like 50 feet through the air. That’d be sweet as fuck.

Didn’t David Decoteau direct this? And neither of these guys have taken their shirts off to, like use them as bandages or wash the windshield off with? Wow, Davy is showing uncharacteristic restraint with this flick.

15 kilometers? Kilometers? What?! What’re you from Uruguay or something?

Have you forgotten about that man hungry revenge fueled grizzly out there looking to make you pay for the death of her child by feasting on your intestines? Because I’m pretty sure she hasn’t just forgotten about the way you brutally ran down her only child like you did. I know I haven’t. You just ran it down like a…like a fucking rabbit or something! You sick fuck! That was a bear! That was a baby bear! That was a bearby, you bastard! Don’t you even care?! DO YOU! How could you?!?

Ok, that’s your sad face; now show me your angry face! Very good! Now collapse and have a panic attack. Excellent!

There are only three people left, that’s not an awful lot for a bear massacre. I’m assuming that this movie will culminate in a bear related massacre of some kind. If not, what am I even watching it for?

The face of RAGE

You gonna get grizzlie’d, mother fucker! That’s what you call it when someone gets bear’ed, specifically by a grizzly bear.

What? If you see a bear, don’t look it in the eye, stand up straight and calmly walk backwards? If it charges you play dead? What the fuck is this? This is dangerous! This kind of misinformation could get people killed! If you see a bear the very first thing you do is yell: “Hey, cunt!”, this immediately establishes that you’re a hardass and you’ll beat the fuck out of anyone that looks at you wrong, bears respect that. Once you got the bears attention, you need to crouch down low, and make a lot of sudden erratic movements with your arms, waving them around with your palms out, pointed towards the bear. Try jumping up and down and jogging in place for short bursts at a time, all the while slowly creeping towards the bear. This behavior confuses and frightens bears. Once you’re in range, spit at it and start screaming in a high-pitched voice. Try to imitate an eagle, bears fear eagles. Once you’ve done this, the bear should be suitably freaked the fuck out and it should run away. If it charges you, try getting it in a rear naked choke, or kick it in the head until you cause a severe blood clot in it’s brain. I’ve gathered this information from the foremost experts in bear behavior and from personal experience. Trust me, I’m from Alaska, we know our bears.

What the fuck does he have a tire iron for? Does he honestly think he can fend off a grizzly with a tire iron? Believe me, it doesn’t work, I’ve tried, and let me tell you, if it was anyone but me they would have got grizzlie’d all to fuck like you wouldn’t even believe.

I also don’t understand why they didn’t all go off into the woods together. I mean, what’s the point of splitting up? Especially since these two people aren’t even doing anything. They’re just sitting there. They must be hoping the bear will fill itself up on their friend’s inside meats and leave them alone. Little do they know that a grizzly bear’s hunger for revenge can never be satisfied! Ever!

Take my word for it, though; I’m something of an expert on fighting bears with melee weapons. I am an Alaskan after all, that’s kind of what we do. I’ve killed bears with bats, knives, machetes, pry bars, batons…uhh…a fork, once, a spork a few times, not like a taco bell spork, I mean quality titanium sporks…Oh! A ceramic lamp once, but that was a spur of the moment kind of thing when a bear smelled my jerky and broke into my house. I even jumped on one’s back once and elbowed it into severe bear retardation. Which I call Beartardation. Ever see a retarded bear? It’s hilarious!

Dude: “Hello?”
Bear: “Yeah?”
Dude: “Holy shit!!”

Oh, a dead chicken. That’s, uh, scary. Yeah, it really is…not! At all! Not scary at all! Nice try movie, but you’re gonna have to do better than that!

Dude, you can’t just hide in the bushes from a bear! They almost have as good a sense of smell as Hugh Jackman. And not Wolverine, either, I mean actually Hugh Jackman.

Ok, that guy got thrown through the air by that raging bears bear rage bear toss of bear death. I can totally relate. Course after it happened to me I didn’t lie down and pass out from blood loss like a sissy, I sporked that bears eyes out, then I ate it’s heart to gain it’s strength! Yeah, that’s what I did, alright!

Yeah, bears can’t climb down sheer mountain walls. Way to use your common sense, buddy. Seriously, that was a smart move… What? What’re you looking at me for?

I wonder who would win if Nick Cage in his bear power suit from The Wicker Man fought this bear? Hard to say, but I think Nick Cage’s skill and hand speed would win it for him, of course, the Raging Bears superior Stamina and Durability might enable him to wear Nick Cage down, leading to a late round Knock-out.

Yeah, you’re being punished alright, for being a douche! HAHAH! I’m so funny.

Now it’s like a bear version of Cujo. Holy shit! It’s like some kind of bear shaped battering ram of bear fury! That must be the toughest bear I’ve ever seen! I’d still kick its ass, though.

Man, what a performance, the fury, the fear, the panic, the anguish, all perfectly conveyed. It’s so organic. This bear is a wonder, I tell ya! That’s a name to watch out for, he’s going places!

These people honestly aren’t doing anything right. Why would they hide in their car? There’s a bear out there just aching to get it’s ass kicked. Go out and knee it in the face or something! Oh well, I guess these people aren’t from Alaska. If they were they would have automatically had to have fought at least one bear when they turned 13. If you refuse they float you out into the ocean on a block of ice.

Here’s an idea. Your friend’s incapacitated right? Well, drag him out into the forest and offer him to the bear as a peace sacrifice. I know from experience that that’ll work. They prefer salmon, but people work fine, too.

“I wanna go home, man”
Smother him!

Good, he’s dead. Feed him to the bear and make your escape!

Only two left. A guy and a lady. I like where this is heading.

I predict a thrilling action packed bear filled finale of grizzly sized proportions!

Damn you commercials! How dare you!

I think someone’s about to get a big, cuddly bear paw shoved halfway up their ass, here in a second or two.

Oh, I wanted to address something. Does it seem to anyone else that their jeep alternately works and doesn’t work depending on what the script requires? I’m not sure if this is true or not, just wondering, anyone else noticed that?

Ha! She fell backwards onto a bear trap. It didn’t go off, it just stabbed her with all it’s teeth things. The very thing that could have saved your life condemns you to death! An object created for injuring bears, injures you! Ha! Irony is fun. Especially when it relates to bears.

It’s eating their dead friend. Serves him right, killing bear cubs with reckless abandon the way he did. Just running it over like that, he might as well have gotten out and pissed on its corpse. Bastard.

So, the new master plan is to lure it into the jeep, the blow the jeep up? Braziliant! Only one flaw. If the bear lives you’re gonna have a flaming rampaging grizzly on your hands. It’s like a normal grizzly but on fire! I know from experience. You don’t want a flaming grizzly on your hands.

“Come on! Come get me you bitch!”
I don’t think calling it names is going to help, man. That shit is just rude. You already killed its child. How would you like it if a bear ran over YOUR baby? Actually, that’d be hilarious! Bear driving a car! Man, that’s gold!

Aw, Dave, You were so close! Almost the whole movie with no shirtless men. You were almost there!

Wait, he’s taking his pants off, too? What is this supposed to accomplish? Is he offering himself to be the bears love slave in penance for running over her baby? Hmm, might work. Thinking outside the box. I like that.

Ok, now you’re in a tree and your clothes are on the ground, and the bear is on the ground eating your clothes? Did you foresee this? Is this how you thought it would go down? Is this your plan, here? Cus, I’m something of an expert on handling angry grizzly bears and I’ve never heard of this whole deal you’re doing. This is a new one for me, I’ll admit. Let’s just see how this plays out.

Right! So, the master plan was to strip to your boxers, climb a tree, let the bear sniff your clothes, then fall out of the tree and start running away from the bear back to the cabin you were just at? Why didn’t you just stay in the tree? And why did you have to take your clothes off…?

Girl: “Hey”
Bear: “Yeah, what up?”
Girl: “Come and get me!”
Bear: “Uhh…Ok.”

Why would the bear be slowly creeping toward her? That’s the bitch that killed your kid! Maul her! She’s right there? What, is it beartarded or something?! Come on!

Now that’s thinking! She trapped the bear in the cabin! Oh wait, looks like she forgot that the bears head is practically a bear head shaped battering ram. Know what battering rams do? Batter shit! Know what bears do? Batter shit and eat it! Know what’s gonna happen? The bears gonna batter the door down and eat you! That door is made out of wood, you douche bags!

Well, you trapped the bear, you’re both still alive, the dude is almost completely naked and the girl miraculously still has all of her clothes on. What a horrible ending. The killers escape justice and the grieving mother is left to starve to death. What a downer.

Hey, remember that thing I said about bears having battering rams for heads, well, guess what? I was right. I’m from Alaska, remember? So, yeah, anyway, the last two people got grizzlie’d hardcore, in the face! By that grizzly’s grizzly rage! And they died, too. Grizzly wins! justice is served! The End! Now it’s almost a perfectly happy ending. If only there was some female nudity…wait, the bear is technically naked…and a female…nice! What a satisfying twist!

Hey, is it just me or does anyone else find bears a little, I don’t know…like, arousing or something? You know? Just, they’re so big and hairy and all. You know what I’m talking about, right? Right…?