Premise: Patrick Muldoon must outfight, out-think and out-ski a group of escaped Ice Spiders that are threatening the livelihood of an entire resort community.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0840304/
Ah, the Sci-Fi channel original. Future generations will look back upon it with the same reverence as we now do Hammer or Universal classics. The Sci-Fi Original will one day garner the recognition it so rightly deserves. Someday, Sci-Fi Channel original, someday.
“What’s that?” It’s an Ice Spider, jackass. Wow, doesn’t even know what movie he’s in.
The spider’s name must be Bob, too.
You just got Ice Spidered, fuck hole!
Ski Instructor: “No cell phone, no internet, no cable TV, just powder.”
A team of Skiers are going up to a mountain resort to…snort coke apparently. I do not envy the staff of this resort. Nothing worse that a coke head on skis. Like skiers aren’t bad enough already.
Ski Instructor: “It’s like a slice of pizza”
Ski lady: “Pepperoni or sausage?”
What a slut!
Hey, cool, it’s Patrick Muldoon! Yeah! Patrick Muldoon!
I never watched Melrose Place, I swear to Christ.
“They’re checking in the Olympic dudes”
“The Olympic dudes?”
Yes, the Olympic dudes. Dudes of the Olympics. Olympian dudes that are Olympic in their dudness ect, ect.
Dash Dashiell? Are you fucking serious? No, I mean, are you fucking serious? Honestly, there’s no way that anyone could ever possibly ever come up with that name without cutting all of their toes off immediately afterwards out of shame.
I’ve come the to official conclusion that I want to stab Patrick Muldoon in the throat with a felt pen. Might take some doing to get it stuck in there but I’m game.
“Looks like the rangers got a problem,” I’ll say! Fucking skiers all over the damn place. Oh, and Ice Spiders, too.
“It’s on Grizzly flats, not like we’re gonna have to do any mountain climbing.” Flat = no mountains, get it?
“Sometimes nature strikes back” Yeah, with lime green CGI spiders that weave Halloween decorations in the trees and nourish themselves with the coke fueled blood of skiers.
Mutilated corpses! Blood everywhere! Severed limbs! Humans woven into web cocoons! All the classic tell tale signs of a Yeti attack! Fuckers must of swooped in and killed everyone before anyone knew what hit them.
Yeah, it was just a short circuit. A short circuit caused by the ice…the ice SPIDERS, that is!
Oh, god, no! He’s not in Yeti country is he?!
Wow, he really takes technicians being eaten by Ice Spiders personally.
Forest Ranger Rick and former world class skier Dash Dashiell, together for the first time… and…maybe the last…
Ranger Rick: “What are they?”
Patrick Muldoon: “Cocoons. Really big cocoons”
Oh? Really? Well I think they’re really SMALL cocoons! What now?!
Ranger Rick! NO! It’s eating his face off?! His beautiful face! Why Ranger Rick?! WHY?!
Run Patrick Muldoon! Run! Why doesn’t he have his skis goddamnit?! If he dies, too I don’t know what I might do.
Ok, ok! I watched a few times but I was really young and my mom made me, back when it was on before Alley McBeal.
Why is this guy only wearing a vest? That just seems impractical for a snowy climate, not to mention one inhabited by Man sized fluorescent spiders.
“Run! They’re killing everyone!” I believe you mean to say that they’re Ice Spidering everyone. Yes, I’m quite positive that that is the correct terminology.
That mother fucker just got Ice Spidered! Ice Spidered to fuck! Yeah! Now THAT guy got Ice Spidered! Even worse than the first guy! People are getting Ice Spidered left and right! Oh shit! That guy just got the shit Ice Spidered out of him! Now this bitch is getting Ice Spidered, too! This is so damn cool! Go Ice Spiders! Ice Spider those mother fuckers!!!
Aw shit! Now that Ice Spider just got Ski Poled!
“I wonder if Dash made it?”
He’s Dash. He always makes it.
“What are they?”
“Giant spiders, what do they look like?”
Like your face! That’s right, I said that shit! What?!
That was easily the most brutal display of Ice Spidering I’ve ever seen. Three people got Ice Spidered in the span of about 5 seconds. That Ice Spider is one efficient Ice Spidering machine I’ll tell ya that much.
Snowboarder: “The phones dead, This is totally not cool!”
What? The fact that you’re stranded at a mountain resort with skittle colored genetically enhanced giant snow spiders that have just slaughtered a dozen or so people or were you referring to the actual temperature of the telephone receiver?
Ice Spiders- a sh!tload: Skiers-0
All the rangers are out sick? Sick with…Ice Spider fever?! Or no?
Oh, he was in the marines for twelve years? Was that with the SSAF?
“If we wanna survive this, we have to Ice Spider those fucks before they can Ice Spider us! That’s the first thing they teach you in the marines.”
Growing Ginormic spiders for their silk, got too big, escaped, Ice Spidered a bunch of Skiers. Throw in some Patrick Muldoon and thrilling ski antics and that’s about the story so far.
Patrick Muldoon: “Well, our day just keeps getting better and better, doesn’t it?”
I think you keep getting better and better…at being a douche!
Ski girl: “He’s having a seizure! What do we do?”
Ski guy: “Stick something between his teeth!”
Ski Instructor: “No! What you gotta do is keep him from hitting his head, roll him on his side incase he vomits”
Me: “No! pull his ski cap over his face and punch him in the trachea! I saw it on Discovery Health!”
Axe wielding, ski-mad Patrick Muldoon VS bright green CG Ravenous Ice Spider
Patrick Muldoon just stabbed an Ice Spider to death with a pair of deer antlers, afterwards he turned to Vanessa Williams and uttered the line “Hey doc, nice rack.” Yeah, he said that. I swear to Christ. I may be me, but even I could never ever make that up. I’m just not that awesome.
Patrick Muldoon is gonna distract the spiders, or lead them to a trap. I’m not sure, wasn’t really paying attention.
It all comes down to this. A showdown between Ski Beast Patrick Muldoon and three ravenous rainbow spiders. Ski, Patrick Muldoon! Ski like no one has ever skied before!
It worked beautifully! The Ice Spiders are safely in captivity.
That’s right Muldoon! Don’t you take shit from the government Blow those filthy spiders away with that cannon you have for some reason!
An evil scientist destroyed by his very creation! The last of the Ice Spiders cut down in a hail of gunfire! A government cover-up! Patrick Muldoon! It’s all just too much!
He’s proven that even in the twilight of his career, he still has what it takes to out ski a bunch of giant spiders. Good for him.
1 comment:
What--no pics?
Post a Comment