Premise: Talia Shire and Robert Foxworth blow the whistle on a paper mills conspiracy to pollute the waters of an expansive forest to grow armies of giant salmon and mutant bears. Actually, that's really not what the movies about, though there is a paper mill, a giant salmon and a mutant bear.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0079758/
I can’t tell if that wind is real or if it’s coming from the TV.
Mystery solved. Both real life wind and fantasy movie wind. Both was the answer.
Holy shit, both is a fucked up word, isn’t it? I mean, it’s like you’re about to say “bowl” but then tack a “TH” sound at the end. It’s not even a word, really. I mean when you really say it, and listen to it, it’s really not a word at all. It’s just a sound, a sound that we have assigned a meaning. Really, I guess that’s what all words are, just sounds that are supposed to mean something, just a more advanced form of a dogs bark or a cows moo. They really didn’t try all that hard with both, though HOLY SHIT! What is that thing! Is that a bear?! Where’s Jim?! Christ, it’s killing everyone! They’re all dead! . . .for some reason I feel like there should be an “L” in the word “both”, I think it would make more sense that way. Yeah, Bolth, that’s way better.
By God, what is that thing on his head? That’s either the rockinest man-perm I’ve ever seen or Robert Foxworth is sprouting billions of curly tentacles from his skull.
I honestly don’t know why Robert Foxworth is making such a big deal about a baby being bitten by rats. It’s survival of the fittest out there, and the kids going to have to learn how to fight rats at some point in his life. All anyone needs to do is fashion the tot a tiny little spear out of some kind of thick wiring and teach him how to light a torch. He’ll be fighting the little bastards off in no time, sticking their heads on pikes and using their blood as war paint. He’ll grow up tough, that one.
The Fox Foxworth and his lady friend, Rocky's ex wife, have arrived to the Forrest, to do environmental related activities, like finding out why the Indians there are pitching such a bitch fit, or why there's a giant man eating bear mutant running around killing folk.
This guy is the very definition of “folksy Pizazz”.
“That’s the biggest fiddle you ever saw!” (Referring to a cello)
“I can’t carry a tune in a bucket!”
Holy shit, this guy rocks!
I don’t know what they’re trying to accomplish, dangling that dog from a helicopter and flying around with him. Man, he looks horribly, horribly confused. I wouldn't want to be on the ground under him right now.
Indians vs Lumberjacks!
“You cut my head off before you cut these trees” Yeah, I mean, let’s be practical here, you can grow another head.
I wish chainsaw v. axe fights would spontaneously arise in real life more often than they do.
Armand Assante-0 Lumberjacks-1
Mrs. Rocky: “I was jealous of that Indian woman, she had so much courage to be so strong when she was frightened, to demand her own way…and she had a sweet ass…”
Ultra-perm: “Pardon?”
A raccoon! An oar! A fire place! Robert Foxworth! A dead raccoon stuck on an oar held by Robert Foxworth in a fire place! Robert Foxworth knows what to do with kill-crazy raccoons.
“It wasn’t rabies, I don’t know what it was” He probably thought your hair was a woodland creature and he was trying to mate with it.
“He is part of all things created…”
You know, technically that means he would have to be part of…my junk!
My junk, it's in there somewhere.
Goddamn, the way they’re showcasing this paper mill you’d think it was the fucking Death Star or something. Yeah, we get it, paper mills are evil, cool it down with the ominous music already.
“How many sheets of paper are in all those filing cabinets in Washington? I supply what you demand, you’re responsible too!” Deformed babies, giant salmon, deranged raccoons, mass murdering mutant bear monsters, chainsaw fights, flying dogs! Was it worth it, Washington? How about you? Was it worth it? Was it all worth it just to have some paper to wipe your ass with?!
Mercury turns fish giant and drives mutant bears to kill! Also, natives can get drunk on it!
A private contractor soaks the logs in mercury, stores the logs in ponds, the salmon mutate, as does everything that eats the salmon, resulting in giant tadpoles, stillborn babies and a freak-bear monster.
“Let me try and put this together” Dude - mutant bear. Done.
Aw man, Mrs. Rocky ate the fish and she was pregnant. Now her baby's going to be a mutant bear, too.
From the still night he emerged, thrusting the sleeping humans from peaceful dreams into their worst nightmare. I nightmare populated by a 9 foot tall, rubbery, pink, pig-bear like hybrid hell-bent on felling all in its path! He struck down the helpless campers with a ferocity never before seen in nature. A ferocity fueled by mercury treated logs, the vitriolic evil of the paper industry and a sickening hatred for God, Man and its own abominable existence. He lashes out with all the pain of his own being, launching his fleshy pig-like arms, propelling the pathetic human through the air with such force that their body vaporizes upon impact with a rock, while a cloud of feathers erupts from the sleeping bag that was still wrapped around their body as they desperately attempted to hop, hop, hop their way to safety.
"If I just hop a little bit faster, maybe I can esca-AGH!"
You’ve got to imagine, though, that’d be like the equivalent of a hot-dog wiener wrapped in a burrito hopping up and down in an attempt to escape from a house cat.
Oh my god, stop pontificating you preachy perm sporting cuntwaffle! Yeah, the paper industry is evil, mercury’s bad for bears, protect the environment, lumber-jacks are dicks, Native Americans aren’t really all alcoholics, we fucking get it! Shut your bearded face-hole!
Looks like Rocky’s wife has finally faced the truth. Her baby has been poisoned by the mercury corrupted salmon. Ya, that's what happened alright.
“It’s not a baby anymore!” No, it’s better than a baby! You can teach it to kill people and eat the corpse to dispose of the evidence. Put it in a glass box and charge people a nickel to stare at it for 5 minutes, and another quarter to buy a tomato to throw at it. You can save money by feeding him garbage and fish heads and teach him to dance and ride a tricycle for you own amusement! You can’t do any of those things with a normal baby. Or could you…
I could explain what’s going on in the movie, I guess, but I don’t care, and neither should you. I’ll give you a clue, though, they’re trying to blow the lid off of the paper mill poisoning the water, while simultaneously trying to not get eaten. Actually, that’s about the whole thing right there.
Just when Foxworth’s lecturing becomes nearly stab-inducing The Abearmination (bear/abomination, get it?) bursts from the forest and goes about totally wrecking everyone’s shit in epic fashion. And when I say wrecking everyone’s shit, I mean literally everyone’s. He lights a car on fire (The sheriff’s shit), knocks down a tee-pee (The Indian's shit) and pushes over a tree (God’s shit). He carved a path of total devastation as he at times stumbled unstably on his hind legs like an Eskimo high on mouth-wash, and at others seemed to glide across the ground as if on wheels, all the while flailing his rubbery appendages in a desperate search to find more shit to fuck up, constantly howling his accursed roar that I suspect to be mutant-bear speak for “MOTHERFUCKERS!"
"You the fuckers been polluting the forest? I'm gonna fuck your shit up!"
I wonder how this freak-beast interacts with other bears. They’d probably treat him like the creepy, weird looking, maybe slightly retarded cousin at family reunions. You want to be nice to him, but then he says something about how many books he’s read about Hitler or how when he’s listening to any song by The Beatles he can hear the word “Kill” repeated over and over in the back ground and then you catch a look at the disgusting birth-mark on the side of his neck and you just edge away with a “Yeah, those Beatles, man…” I mean, normal bears like to kill people, but this guy just takes it over the line. He’s the gross, crazy, retarded cousin of the bear community.
"My existence is pain!"
He just bitch-slapped their jeep. Now they’re trapped in the forest, on foot, stalked by a vicious chimera of a bear-like monstrosity.
Bear Monster: “Protect the environment, fuckers!” *Bite*
He feasts on the heads of man!
Look at him! Just fucking look! He’s hideous! This is what happens when you abuse the environment. Next time you think about littering, remember, you’re responsible too. Buy a fucking hybrid or he’ll kill you!
He’s thrashing this old Indian dude through the air like a pit-bull with a baby duck in its jaws.
Aw, what? It can swim, too?! No fair!
“It’s drowned!” Wishful thinking - statistically the number one cause of bear maulings.
Robert Foxworth stabbed it in the eye with an arrow, then it fell into the lake, bobbing up and down in the water like some kind of morbid inflatable pool accessory.
At the very end it is revealed that there is yet another giant, bipedal, bear-like freak of nature roaming the forest, and they call him, Smokey. Only you… can feed his unfathomable hunger for the blood of polluters.
"Protect the environment, or I'll fucking kill you."
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