Vampires vs Zombies: Real Time Review

Vampires vs Zombies: Real Time Review

Premise: Well, the premise is kind of like a. . .thing. . .it's sort of like if you walked into a coffee shop and there were 8 people standing there that first appeared to be nuns but they were all wearing clown make up for no reason and some of them had turtles on their feet, and they assaulted you with Nunchaku while screaming vaguely threatening remarks about how they're going to "turn your ass into a cheese cake factory", Then after you're beaten to a bloody pulp, the person working at the coffee shop walks over and farts in your mouth. That's the best I can do.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0408309/


A full moon. Evil is afoot

Or lesbian vampires are afoot, rather. I guess. Wait, scratch that, it was all a dream. Nothing is afoot. Not even lesbian vampires, unfortunately.

A couple ran over a lizard man on the side of the road. Maybe it was supposed to be a zombie. Or maybe it was supposed to be a zombie lizard man? It looked like it had pickles for skin! I don’t know why they ran him over, he was probably just looking for a ride. Hate crime!

A zombie, a vegetable man or an iguana person? You decide.

It really must be an emergency. You can tell because she keeps using words like “It’s” and “an” and “emergency”.

This chicks name is Carmilla. If I hadn’t just watched The Vampire Lovers I might be surprised when it’s eventually revealed that she is a vampire.

You need gas? Better stop for gas, then. At a station. A station that sells gas.

This gas station scene has gone on approximately 12 seconds too long.

“Have a nice day” It’ll be a lot easier once this fucking movie is over.

Jesus Christ, is this movie about the fucking gas station or what? No more gas station! NO MORE!

Is this the same fucking gas station? Again!? So, did the people that made this movie know the owners of the gas station and they let them shoot there for free?

Oh, wow, Carmilla was a vampire.

“I could have snapped his neck before he took his next breath, but I needed him to take the bait. Why am I telling you all this?” Because I was confused, thanks for clearing that all up for me Brinke Stevens!

There’s a father/daughter duo of vampire hunters driving down a road, and there’s also a gas station where nonsensical things keep happening over and over again.

Yeah, these two are vampire hunters and I guess they’re engaging in some kind of cross country cat and mouse game with a vampire during a zombie holocaust?

I don’t know who this old man is, but I like the way he rolls. This chick in the back seat gets mouthy so he buttons her lips shut with his elbow: (reenactment)“Shut the fuck up!” *Elbow*(End reenactment)

She should have shut the fuck up.

So this dude, Fontaine, and his daughter, Jenna, are trying to hook up with The General (otherwise known as Crazy-Elbows McGee) and they’re all trying to find and kill a vampire (Carmilla) who is actually tagging along with the father/daughter duo unbeknownst to them. In the meantime, there’s a gas station run by this guy...

Rinse and spit, dude. Not cool.

Oh, wait, so Fontaine is actually aware that Carmilla is a vampire? So, why don’t they kill her? Why are they driving her around? This movie isn’t making a whole bunch of sense; maybe I just need to pay more attention.

After attempting to focus more on the movie to try to understand it I began to suffer intense migraines and tremors in my hands. All the blood rushed to my head and began to squirt out of my nose at which point I collapsed on the floor suffering from what I believe to be a panic attack. I was able to turn the TV off before all of my body’s blood supply could completely drain out of my face. I will take some time to collect myself and proceed with caution from here.

I’m going to grab some fajitas.

Lesbians! And suddenly my pain is diminished. Lesbian sex makes any movie bearable. At least for as long as it’s occurring on screen. These two chicks (Vampire, Carmilla, and Vampire Huntress, Jenna) pull over to take a break (from driving a car? It’s not that strenuous). Carmilla then starts fondling Jenna and they begin to make out. “I think we should go”, says Jenna; “You will” replies Carmilla. Not sure what that was supposed to mean (where will she go?), but it gave me an erection.

“Aww shit, I got my period.” Jesus Christ, I’m eating over here! What the fuck?!

I had no idea that a woman’s period involved her sprouting two small, bleeding holes on her inner thigh. I guess you learn something new about menstruation every day. Oh, wait, those were vampire bites weren’t they? Man, I feel like an ass.

This is the most chilled out zombie apocalypse I've ever seen on film. I mean, the world is just functioning as normal, it’s as if people have accepted that running over green zombies every once in a while is just another part of life. Zombies really have nothing to do with this movie at all.

This movie keeps descending into inexplicable dream sequences every 7 minutes. So often that I don’t know what’s real or what’s a dream. Not just in the movie, either. In real life, too.

Has this film given me a tumor?

“Can I get you a coffee or something?”
“Actually, I could use something stronger”
“Ah, copy that” *begins to remove pants*
“Whoa, wait, what the hell are you doing!?”
“What? What’s up?”
“Why were you taking your pants off?”
“Well…I just thought, when you said you wanted something stronger that you meant…”
“I was talking about meth”
“Oh, right! Right….” *continues to remove pants*
“Alright, fine, but you better have that fucking meth!”
I propose that all of this movie's ills could have been cured had the preceding taken place.

The last 2 minutes have been the ocular equivalent of a crazy bum on the streets screaming gibberish about Communist yetis trying to steal his wiener. Oh, and it was another dream sequence. Or, maybe, the dream sequences are all real, and the real sequences are dreams! I think I finally figured it out.

Was that a zombie or just a dead body? Or was it a vampire? It was just standing there in the middle of the road with a stake in its heart, holding a gun and dressed up in military garb. Then he fell over. I guess I’ll be generous and count it as a zombie, bringing the total number of zombies featured in the film up to …let’s see, carry the two, divided by 26…best estimate, three. And none of them have yet Versus’ed vampires.

I call bullshit.

Jenna: “And there’s already sheets on the bed…” It’s almost as if fate itself wants you two get it on, so it can watch, and touch itself…

Jenna: “Carmilla, I don’t know”
Carmilla: “You do know Jenna, your protests are already less than half-hearted”
One third hearted protests against lesbian sex should be ignored entirely.

So, the father daughter duo along with their vampiric travel companion have arrived at a church (approximately the forth setting used in the movie, along with Gas station, house and road) Then Jenna and Carmilla bone (only minus the “bone” because they’re both chicks) then we’re thrust into another inexplicable dream sequence that probably only makes sense in the writer's constantly LSD addled mind.

In the dream sequence Jenna is seen in a mental asylum, while Fontaine states that she’s fucking crazy. Please, God, don’t tell me the entire movie is taking place in her head.

These actors verbally ejaculate their dialogue like deaf monkeys that have been taught speech by an autistic Norwegian.

I would rather watch lobsters fucking for 26 straight hours than ever watch this movie again.

This church is chock full of zombie school girls! Right now they have a pretty good opportunity to turn the rest of the movie into full on fetish porn. I suggest they take it.

How about a game? Try to envision this action sequence using only the following onomatopoeias: “WHAP” “POW” “THUD” “AGHH!” BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZ” “GRRRRR” “CRUNCH” “SQUISH” “SLICE”. How’d that go for you?

The General has finally joined the party. Gotta love him.

The General. He wants you to shut the fuck up.

Ha, The General just elbowed another vampire! It’s like a reflex with him. Vampire tries to bite him, elbow to the face. Homeless man asks him for change, elbow to the face. Woman screams after being elbowed in the face by The General, elbow to the face.

Taste the power!

Apparently The General’s daughter became a vampire and Fontaine was forced to kill her. This upsets The General. The General does not approve. The General’s elbows are starting to itch…

The General is not amused.

The General: “I’m gonna kill you for this!” Watch the elbows! THE ELBOWS!

The General just staked Fontaine in the shoulder: “Get this stake out of me!”, Man, he really doesn’t like that stake being in him.

Slightly red colored water just inexplicably appearing in places does not constitute special FX.

Fontaine and The General have made amends. Thank God, I couldn’t stand to see those two fighting.

The General’s words of wisdom: “Now let’s kill that fucking succubus!”

So…
. . .

The ending makes me feel as though my eyes have been sodomized by twin dongs of lunacy. What the fuck has just happened to my life? Now I know what it must feel like to get elbowed in the face by The General, or, at least, mentally elbowed.

Whapow!