The Wicker Man 06': Real Time Review

The Wicker Man 06': Real Time Review

Premise: Nicholas Cage. Bear suit. You do the math.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0450345/

It would be cool if Nick Cage and his police motorcycle magically burst into flame right now. Like in Ghost Rider, except instead of becoming a demonic super hero he burns to death and explodes.

I didn’t think the back windows in cars were laminated.

“I didn’t even know you had a plot” I’ll tell you what does, though, this movie. That’s for damn sure.

“You’re probably laughing at me.”

I know I am

Wow, these island folk sure aren’t creepy or anything. Totally acting like normal people.

Seriously, if these chicks were acting like this around me I’d probably scream and flail my arms about and start spitting on them.

Nicolas Cage approaches the moving, bulging, bleeding burlap sack and opens it to reveal…

…

I can’t think of anything…

Oh, that’s real funny, real fucking funny you fucking whores. What the fuck do you think you’re laughing at! You can’t laugh at Nick Cage! No one can unless you want him to visit you in your sleep and…Oh, I am so fucked.

Mead? What are you, Vikings? There’s a Viking commune off the coast of Washington? Why was I not informed?!

Aw, shit, Nicolas Cage hopped up on mead; I predict a lot of screaming and over the top flailing of the limbs along with odd, and highly disturbing, facial distortions as well as probably more than a few people getting stabbed/punched in the throat in the near future.

Something tells me that the bees will be getting their revenge by the end of this movie…



Oh, they were engaged, she was scared, she ran away; try to guess how much I don’t give a fuck.

Wow, this is such a mystery, so engaging, I can’t wait to find out how the relationship between Nick Cage and his ex-fiancé will resolve itself, how Cage’s feud with the island’s Bee population will develop, why these lady’s are all a bunch of creepy skanks. I’m literally on the edge of my seat…trying to keep myself from leaping up and punching the TV into the fucking drywall.

Random Nicolas Cage Quote Time!
“I want to take his face... off.”
From the movie Face(slash)Off!

Cage narrowly escaped falling through a hole and I narrowly escaped giving a fuck, and by narrowly I mean the opposite of narrow, which would be…wide, I guess.

Fertility festival, eh? Sounds dirty.

The day of tomorrow? You mean you want to know what happens tomorrow? Or the day after tomorrow? Ok, so you want to know what’s happening tomorrow? As in the day immediately following today? I’m still confused. Just fucking kill yourself if you can’t even phrase a simple fucking question!

Stop smiling, you’re creeping me out.

He... Just... Won't... STOP!

Even the little kids are fucking creeps. I’d just kill everyone on the island and use it to raise emus.

“You’re all liars!” You tell those little shits!

“Of course, another plant! Rose!” Yes, a rose IS a plant! Very good!

OH! MY! GOD! He is Rowan's father! HE IS ROWAN'S FATHER!!!! OH MY FUCKING CHRIST! What a shocking and unexpected turn of events.

Random Nicolas Cage Quote Time
“Edwina's insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.”
From the movie Raising Arizona!

Wow, I’m scared. This movie is scary. It’s scaring me. A lot.

“Perhaps I could help you” You could help me by not being a bitch.

“Why are you yelling at me” He’s Nicolas Cage, his voice only comes in two volumes: normal and Screaming Maniac.

Oh, shit, good thing you’re not allergic to bees or anything.

His daughter is made out of bees? I’m not sure I’m understanding this right.

“I treated the danger in the old way” With the bodily fluids of various farm animals?

Nick Cage is getting’ ready to pop this bitch, Oh, yeah…

Oh, shit, RUN!

He’s being such a jerkass.

So the men are nothing but breeding tools? Why is this a problem?

Random Nicolas Cage Quote Time
“Yeah.”
From the movie The Rock!

The word “Rowan” has now lost all meaning.

“HOW’D IT GET BURNED, HOW’D IT GET BURNED???!!!!!!!!!!” I can figure this one out, I know it! Just let me think for a second… Maybe you ran it over with your flaming motorcycle?

Did he just jack that chick’s bike at gunpoint?
“(pulls gun) Step away from the bike!”
Yep, he sure did.

“I don’t need anyone’s goddamn permission!” He’s Nicolas Cage, that goes without saying.

“Very soon you’ll be an entire family of bears!” I’m going to pretend that makes sense for the sake of my own peace of mind.

I’m getting the feeling that these island folk are perhaps slightly less than what would be classically defined as mentally stable.

So this bitch starts mouthing off to Mr. Cage making some smartass remark about how he’s “looking worse for wear” He just looks at her as if he discovered she drank his last Rock Star even though it was clearly labeled “NICOLAS CAGE” in felt pen and was on HIS side of the refrigerator, and walks up to her then punches her right in the fucking face! He’s not having that shit! That’s what you get! You drink my fucking Rock Star, bitch! I’ll fucking kill you! I had to wake up at 5am yesterday!

Holy fuck! Did he just sidekick Leelee Sobieski in the face! He totally did! Right in the face! He was struggling with her for a little bit then this terrible kind of resolve came over his face and he let loose with the fiercest fucking sidekick I’ve seen since last Tuesday. What kind of a name is Leelee, anyway?

Random Nicolas Cage Quote Time:
“You *don't*... *treat*... *women*... *like*... *that*!”
From the movie Con Air!

Now…he’s wearing…a bear suit? Because: A. he needs it to hide from the psycho hookers that inhabit the island and: B. because it’s awesome. Bears are awesome. Bear suits are awesome, and it’s cool to dress like a bear. Cage realizes this and takes advantage of it to it’s full potential.

Nick Cage the Amazing Two Legged Side Kicking Karate Bear just strides right up to this lady and bear punches her right in the face with his amazing bear fists of bear fury! While wearing a suit clearly modeled after a bear, probably a black bear(Ursus americanus)

. . .BEARS!!!!!

NO! Don’t take the bear suit off! It is the source of all your powers!

A recreation of the scene in which Nicholas Cage punches a woman in the face whilst dressed as a bear.

Wait, she survived being punched in the face by Nicolas Cage? How? Probably because he wasn’t wearing his Super Bear power suit of bear pummeling rage at the time.

“I swear to god I will shoot you!” Listen to him, man, he’s Nick Cage he don’t give a fuck! He’s a maniac! A FUCKING MANIAC!!!!!!!!

This never would have happened if you left your bear suit on…

“You bitches! You bitches!” Now that’s just rude, man. Not cool. Not cool at all.

“Killing me won’t bring back your goddamn honey!”

Show’s how much YOU know! You killed one of their kind and now the bees refuse to work. This act of divine retribution is the ONLY way to get the honey back!…wait, that’s not why they’re doing it? They think that by sacrificing Nicolas Cage to they’re pagan goddess the bees will start producing honey again? That’s just crazy. What a bunch of fuck-jobs these bitches are.

What is it? It’s the bee helmet!!! I told you the bees would have they’re vengeance!

“NOT THE BEES, NOT THE BEES! THEY’RE IN MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!! ARGAGRAGARGAOLOGARA YOGULEOGGLEEYOOOOO!!!!”… end quote. They should definitely show this clip if Cage ever goes on Inside the Actors Studio again.

They burnt him alive in this huge effigy made from some type of wood. Probably teak.


Just for the hell of it…


“Hey! My mom lives in a trailer!”
Con Air

“I just wanna find some *rockets*!”
The Rock

“And this here's the TV.”
Raising Arizona

Grizzly Rage: Real Time Review

Grizzly Rage: Real Time Review

Premise: Grizzly + Rage = People getting fucked up.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0896816/

“A sci fi channel original” Yes! The stamp of quality.

Oh, you’re gonna start crying? Well I’m gonna start crying too, because this movie fucking blows! Just kidding, I just got here, movie started 6 minutes ago, what’d I miss? Where’s the raging grizzlies? Or the grizzly rage? Either way.

30 seconds and already I’m bored.

I’m thinking, maybe that fence was there for a reason? What kind or reason? To keep people out? No, I think it was there to keep something…IN! Like a, oh, I don’t know, Rage fueled grizzly bear for example?!

You don’t believe it? You cruised through the forest at full speed in your fucking jeep! Know what’s in the forest? TREES! Here’s a little equation to try to explain things: Speeding car + Large, practically immovable tree = fuck!

Ah, the grizzly’s rage becomes clear. At first I thought perhaps it had been infected with some kind of rage virus, but now I see that it’s rage is much more akin to the rage suffered by the Orca, from the movie “Orca”. It’s revenge rage! Vengeance minded momma grizzlies filled with unholy rage due to the horrible murder of their child at the hands of a bunch of reckless Meth heads (I assume) are not a pretty sight. Take it from me, I live in Alaska, if there’re two things we have plenty of, it’s grizzly bears and meth heads.

Wait. You know there is a bear out in the forest right? A bear seeking vengeance on you and your friends, right? You know bears are significantly bigger and faster than people, right? And they have claws and teeth and such. I mean, you know a bear can kill you, right? So, you know there’s a bear out there that wants to kill you and is capable of killing you, so why are you wandering around in the forest on your own? You think your some kind of Karate Bear Fighter or something? Well let me tell you, there is only ONE Karate Bear Fighter, my friend. And if you want to see him in action watch the film “Karate Bear Fighter” Starring Sonny Chiba! He fights a bear, with the power of his Karate! I don’t think this little vag even knows karate!

I don’t even see anything chasing him. Is it some kind of ninja stealth grizzly?

Ok, I’m going to use this commercial break to try to clear some things up in my mind. So, a bunch of stupid cunts decide to break into some kind of wild life park, they drive along on a tiny, winding dirt road at 90 miles an hour, hit a bear cub, realize that it’s mom is out for blood, then their car breaks down, and one of them decides to run off through the forest on his own for some reason at which point he is slashed across the face and then grabbed by some unknown creature with big brown furry mittens, then thrown through the air, and every once and a while we cut to a grizzly bear screaming. So, was the grizzly bear screaming at the man with the big furry mittens? Was he trying to warn that dude that some kind of furry mitten wearing serial killer was sneaking up on him? Man, What’s the connection between that grizzly bear and the killer furry mittens? Damnit! I can’t figure it out!

Wait, do you mean to tell me that the grizzly bear was the one wearing the furry mittens! Well that just doesn’t make sense, I mean, why would a grizzly bear need mittens?

“Where’s rich?!”
“Get in the car!”
“Where’s rich?!”
“Get in the car!”
“WHERE’S RICH?!”
“IN THE CAR!”
“Oh…ok, then.”

Wait, their car works now? Since when? Why didn’t they just drive away earlier, then? Well, I guess it doesn’t work any more, since that guy just flipped it over. For no reason. How hard is it to not drive off of a road? Honestly. How hard? Even I can do it. Are these people really supposed to be worse drivers than I am?

I wish this movie would turn into one of those “Messin’ with Sasquatch” commercials, with the grizzly bear running out of no where and body slamming one of these fuckers like 50 feet through the air. That’d be sweet as fuck.

Didn’t David Decoteau direct this? And neither of these guys have taken their shirts off to, like use them as bandages or wash the windshield off with? Wow, Davy is showing uncharacteristic restraint with this flick.

15 kilometers? Kilometers? What?! What’re you from Uruguay or something?

Have you forgotten about that man hungry revenge fueled grizzly out there looking to make you pay for the death of her child by feasting on your intestines? Because I’m pretty sure she hasn’t just forgotten about the way you brutally ran down her only child like you did. I know I haven’t. You just ran it down like a…like a fucking rabbit or something! You sick fuck! That was a bear! That was a baby bear! That was a bearby, you bastard! Don’t you even care?! DO YOU! How could you?!?

Ok, that’s your sad face; now show me your angry face! Very good! Now collapse and have a panic attack. Excellent!

There are only three people left, that’s not an awful lot for a bear massacre. I’m assuming that this movie will culminate in a bear related massacre of some kind. If not, what am I even watching it for?

The face of RAGE

You gonna get grizzlie’d, mother fucker! That’s what you call it when someone gets bear’ed, specifically by a grizzly bear.

What? If you see a bear, don’t look it in the eye, stand up straight and calmly walk backwards? If it charges you play dead? What the fuck is this? This is dangerous! This kind of misinformation could get people killed! If you see a bear the very first thing you do is yell: “Hey, cunt!”, this immediately establishes that you’re a hardass and you’ll beat the fuck out of anyone that looks at you wrong, bears respect that. Once you got the bears attention, you need to crouch down low, and make a lot of sudden erratic movements with your arms, waving them around with your palms out, pointed towards the bear. Try jumping up and down and jogging in place for short bursts at a time, all the while slowly creeping towards the bear. This behavior confuses and frightens bears. Once you’re in range, spit at it and start screaming in a high-pitched voice. Try to imitate an eagle, bears fear eagles. Once you’ve done this, the bear should be suitably freaked the fuck out and it should run away. If it charges you, try getting it in a rear naked choke, or kick it in the head until you cause a severe blood clot in it’s brain. I’ve gathered this information from the foremost experts in bear behavior and from personal experience. Trust me, I’m from Alaska, we know our bears.

What the fuck does he have a tire iron for? Does he honestly think he can fend off a grizzly with a tire iron? Believe me, it doesn’t work, I’ve tried, and let me tell you, if it was anyone but me they would have got grizzlie’d all to fuck like you wouldn’t even believe.

I also don’t understand why they didn’t all go off into the woods together. I mean, what’s the point of splitting up? Especially since these two people aren’t even doing anything. They’re just sitting there. They must be hoping the bear will fill itself up on their friend’s inside meats and leave them alone. Little do they know that a grizzly bear’s hunger for revenge can never be satisfied! Ever!

Take my word for it, though; I’m something of an expert on fighting bears with melee weapons. I am an Alaskan after all, that’s kind of what we do. I’ve killed bears with bats, knives, machetes, pry bars, batons…uhh…a fork, once, a spork a few times, not like a taco bell spork, I mean quality titanium sporks…Oh! A ceramic lamp once, but that was a spur of the moment kind of thing when a bear smelled my jerky and broke into my house. I even jumped on one’s back once and elbowed it into severe bear retardation. Which I call Beartardation. Ever see a retarded bear? It’s hilarious!

Dude: “Hello?”
Bear: “Yeah?”
Dude: “Holy shit!!”

Oh, a dead chicken. That’s, uh, scary. Yeah, it really is…not! At all! Not scary at all! Nice try movie, but you’re gonna have to do better than that!

Dude, you can’t just hide in the bushes from a bear! They almost have as good a sense of smell as Hugh Jackman. And not Wolverine, either, I mean actually Hugh Jackman.

Ok, that guy got thrown through the air by that raging bears bear rage bear toss of bear death. I can totally relate. Course after it happened to me I didn’t lie down and pass out from blood loss like a sissy, I sporked that bears eyes out, then I ate it’s heart to gain it’s strength! Yeah, that’s what I did, alright!

Yeah, bears can’t climb down sheer mountain walls. Way to use your common sense, buddy. Seriously, that was a smart move… What? What’re you looking at me for?

I wonder who would win if Nick Cage in his bear power suit from The Wicker Man fought this bear? Hard to say, but I think Nick Cage’s skill and hand speed would win it for him, of course, the Raging Bears superior Stamina and Durability might enable him to wear Nick Cage down, leading to a late round Knock-out.

Yeah, you’re being punished alright, for being a douche! HAHAH! I’m so funny.

Now it’s like a bear version of Cujo. Holy shit! It’s like some kind of bear shaped battering ram of bear fury! That must be the toughest bear I’ve ever seen! I’d still kick its ass, though.

Man, what a performance, the fury, the fear, the panic, the anguish, all perfectly conveyed. It’s so organic. This bear is a wonder, I tell ya! That’s a name to watch out for, he’s going places!

These people honestly aren’t doing anything right. Why would they hide in their car? There’s a bear out there just aching to get it’s ass kicked. Go out and knee it in the face or something! Oh well, I guess these people aren’t from Alaska. If they were they would have automatically had to have fought at least one bear when they turned 13. If you refuse they float you out into the ocean on a block of ice.

Here’s an idea. Your friend’s incapacitated right? Well, drag him out into the forest and offer him to the bear as a peace sacrifice. I know from experience that that’ll work. They prefer salmon, but people work fine, too.

“I wanna go home, man”
Smother him!

Good, he’s dead. Feed him to the bear and make your escape!

Only two left. A guy and a lady. I like where this is heading.

I predict a thrilling action packed bear filled finale of grizzly sized proportions!

Damn you commercials! How dare you!

I think someone’s about to get a big, cuddly bear paw shoved halfway up their ass, here in a second or two.

Oh, I wanted to address something. Does it seem to anyone else that their jeep alternately works and doesn’t work depending on what the script requires? I’m not sure if this is true or not, just wondering, anyone else noticed that?

Ha! She fell backwards onto a bear trap. It didn’t go off, it just stabbed her with all it’s teeth things. The very thing that could have saved your life condemns you to death! An object created for injuring bears, injures you! Ha! Irony is fun. Especially when it relates to bears.

It’s eating their dead friend. Serves him right, killing bear cubs with reckless abandon the way he did. Just running it over like that, he might as well have gotten out and pissed on its corpse. Bastard.

So, the new master plan is to lure it into the jeep, the blow the jeep up? Braziliant! Only one flaw. If the bear lives you’re gonna have a flaming rampaging grizzly on your hands. It’s like a normal grizzly but on fire! I know from experience. You don’t want a flaming grizzly on your hands.

“Come on! Come get me you bitch!”
I don’t think calling it names is going to help, man. That shit is just rude. You already killed its child. How would you like it if a bear ran over YOUR baby? Actually, that’d be hilarious! Bear driving a car! Man, that’s gold!

Aw, Dave, You were so close! Almost the whole movie with no shirtless men. You were almost there!

Wait, he’s taking his pants off, too? What is this supposed to accomplish? Is he offering himself to be the bears love slave in penance for running over her baby? Hmm, might work. Thinking outside the box. I like that.

Ok, now you’re in a tree and your clothes are on the ground, and the bear is on the ground eating your clothes? Did you foresee this? Is this how you thought it would go down? Is this your plan, here? Cus, I’m something of an expert on handling angry grizzly bears and I’ve never heard of this whole deal you’re doing. This is a new one for me, I’ll admit. Let’s just see how this plays out.

Right! So, the master plan was to strip to your boxers, climb a tree, let the bear sniff your clothes, then fall out of the tree and start running away from the bear back to the cabin you were just at? Why didn’t you just stay in the tree? And why did you have to take your clothes off…?

Girl: “Hey”
Bear: “Yeah, what up?”
Girl: “Come and get me!”
Bear: “Uhh…Ok.”

Why would the bear be slowly creeping toward her? That’s the bitch that killed your kid! Maul her! She’s right there? What, is it beartarded or something?! Come on!

Now that’s thinking! She trapped the bear in the cabin! Oh wait, looks like she forgot that the bears head is practically a bear head shaped battering ram. Know what battering rams do? Batter shit! Know what bears do? Batter shit and eat it! Know what’s gonna happen? The bears gonna batter the door down and eat you! That door is made out of wood, you douche bags!

Well, you trapped the bear, you’re both still alive, the dude is almost completely naked and the girl miraculously still has all of her clothes on. What a horrible ending. The killers escape justice and the grieving mother is left to starve to death. What a downer.

Hey, remember that thing I said about bears having battering rams for heads, well, guess what? I was right. I’m from Alaska, remember? So, yeah, anyway, the last two people got grizzlie’d hardcore, in the face! By that grizzly’s grizzly rage! And they died, too. Grizzly wins! justice is served! The End! Now it’s almost a perfectly happy ending. If only there was some female nudity…wait, the bear is technically naked…and a female…nice! What a satisfying twist!

Hey, is it just me or does anyone else find bears a little, I don’t know…like, arousing or something? You know? Just, they’re so big and hairy and all. You know what I’m talking about, right? Right…?

Black Christmas 06': Real Time Review

Black Christmas 06': Real Time Review

Premise: A yellow serial killer murders college age, hot, retards on Christmas.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0454082/

Smoking is bad for you.

Oh, coming soon to theaters, eh? Time to put my DVD player’s fast forward button into action!

How many times do I have to say “I don’t fucking care” before these previews of upcoming feature films get the idea that I DON’T FUCKING CARE!!!!!?

Wine, bright flashing lights, snow, plastic statues shaped like a fat man with a long beard wearing a red and white fur coat. It could only mean one thing…Orgy!!!!

Oh shit! I think I’m supposed to be scared right now…I’m not. Hmm, something must be horribly wrong here.

Oh no. Someone has just been murdered!

“Tastes like chicken…cause it’s chicken. It’s the closest we could get to how mom used to taste” That line isn’t so much stupid as it is unbearably infuriating. I want to punch my dog in the face right now.

I just punched my dog in the face. Not my fault. Blame the movie.

So…wow. You’ve accomplished an amazing feat. You’ve effectively abolished the ambiguity and mystery that made Billy such an effective antagonist in the original film. Now we know he’s a crazy person with some suitably traumatic crazy person back story. How crazy? Apparently really crazy based on all the dialogue discussing just how crazy he is. Nicely done! Fuck! This movie is filling me with such an unholy rage…I need to hit something and my dog’s ran off….Be right back. Oh. And Billy has yellow skin, too. Why? I have no fucking clue.

Oh, wow, cool! Some dude just got stabbed in the neck…with a candy cane! The first of what I can only hope will be a film-spanning series of gimmicky Christmas themed murders. Yay!

Actually, it’s not really that unrealistic. I mean Billy’s got nothing else to do with his time but rock back and forth in his chair and practice whittling candy canes into lethal weapons. With enough practice, and the right technique I do believe it could be done.

She can’t talk, she’s got a bag over her head.

Way to get fucked up, bitch! Ha!

Why is someone killing people in two different places. Logic dictates that there must be two different killers. Based on that fact I have deduced that Billy is actually a leprechaun. As everyone knows, Leprechauns have Multiple Man-esque self-multiplying abilities, and he’s killing different people at different places at the same time. That or there are two killers. I like the Multiple Homicidal Leprechaun theory more, though.

Leprechauns are yellow, right? Or green. Yellow or green. I’m gonna say Yellow, otherwise my theory doesn’t really hold water.

Oh…wow…Christmas decorations and traditions are all neo-pagan magic. Try to guess how much I don’t give a fuck!

Flashback!

Run little Billy, you little scamp you!

I don’t give a fuck, I don’t give a fuck, I don’t give a fuck, I don’t give a fuck, I don’t give a fuck, I don’t give a fuck, I don’t give a…end of flashback

Creepy voice. It’s creeping me out with it’s creepiness. Hmm, who could Agnes be? Oh I’m sure the answer to that question will be spoon-fed to me eventually.

Creepy person. Could be one of the killers? Could be…I’m to busy not giving a fuck to think about it.

Return of Flashback: This time it’s Personal!

I predict this is going to end exceedingly not well for little Billy. That poor little monkey, I mean his mom isn’t hot at all, you know.

Told you!

Flashforward!

Grown up yellow Billy likes the feel of a nice wooden post on his black leather gloves.

“Why is Megan calling here?” Cause you suck! I hate you! Buffy was a good fucking show until the fifth season you filthy whore! It was all downhill from there, thanks to you!

Oh, man. Almost fooled me. For a second I thought that was actually the killer there. It’s not though. It’s some dude. Whew, dodged a bullet there. My heart is beating so fast. Thrilling.

“That was the devil!” How would you know what the Devil sounds like? Huh?! HUH!?

I’ll Punk you…in the face! YEAH!

Haha! I like this guy! They ARE spoiled bitches! This guy is so not uncool!

Flashback part III: Flashbacker!

He’s all yellow. Like nacho cheese. Like someone dyed his skin with nacho cheese. Like he sat in a tub full of nacho cheese for days until his skin adopted the color of the nacho cheese. Nacho cheese…

Wow…you’re not a creepy whore at all are you? Naw, not even a little!

Run adolescent Billy! She might make you have sex with her again!

He’s stabbing a little girl in the face. Not only a little girl, his daughter/sister. And now he’s eating her eyeball! Aw man, he’s practically living my dream, I’m so jealous.

Someone just got Pwnt! Sorry, been playing Counter-Strike a lot today.

Her father Billy was also her Brother Billy? What?! Really?! You mean it?!!! Oh, wait. I already knew that.

Flashforward!

Ah! I get it now! Good Leprechauns are tiny and green, bad leprechauns are man sized and yellow. And if there ever was a bad Leprechaun it was Billy Leprechaun the baddest most meanest evil Leprechaun there ever was.

Not much is happening now. Stuff. People are walking around. People are talking. Someone posted pictures of someone having sex? Someone is angry about that. Cool. Cool, cool.

That guy is awesome!

“Every other house on this street has power, but this one doesn’t” Excellent observation lady. Can these fucking retards put two and two together? Mysterious noises in the attic, unexplained disappearances, threatening phone calls, Unknown packages under the Christmas tree and now the power is cut. How about you all stop being a bunch of douche-cunts and either start making out with each other, or die. Either would be somewhat entertaining, at least. The former more so, I’d think, but I’m good either way.

Aww, her boyfriend betrayed her. She’s sad. That’s a shame. So is anyone gonna take their clothes off? There was a shower scene earlier but you didn’t see shit. Come on! Someone has to! What the fuck am I watching this for?

They had to have a severed head practically thrown at them to figure out something was amiss. Aren’t they supposed to be college students? Must be all the pot, and them being idiots probably contributes a tad bit as well.

Why don’t you all grab a bunch of knives and sit in the fucking laundry room all night or something?

Pretty sure an icicle wouldn’t have enough force, falling from maybe three feet in the air, to completely impale someone’s head. I don’t mean to nitpick, but even Bruce Willis couldn’t ram an icicle all the way through that guy’s head in Die Hard 2, and he was really trying.

If Michelle Trachtenberg lives one second longer I’m going to punch her through the TV until she dies in real life. And I don’t care how long that takes!

It’s about fucking time!

Creepy yellow voiced phone demon keeps talking gibberish. If you want a family so much just have sex with your sister/daughter and have some more kids.

Wow, dude, if he had sex with his sister/daughter that would be like twice as incestuous as normal incest. Then his kids would be his as well as his nieces/nephews. Then if he had sex with them those kids would be like…kids and grand kids and grand nieces/nephews? He could be a father, grandfather, uncle and great uncle all at once…mind boggling…and, also…strangely arousing.

Agnes is slapping these chicks around like fruitcake! Wait, what the fuck does fruitcake have to do with anything?

Oh, yeah, my Yellow, Insane, Duplicate Leprechaun Killer theory didn’t pan out. Agnes is the second killer. And Agnes is Billy’s Sister/Daughter because Billy’s Mom raped him when her lover fell asleep mid-fuck. Just wanted to make sure no one got lost, you know.

I like how people keep getting stabbed in the head…that’s kind of cool.

Aww, Father daughter/brother sister reunited after so many years apart. It’s a Christmas miracle!

I still can’t figure out why they made him yellow. It’s not scary. Just reminds me of Bert from Sesame St. in live action. But then Bert always was a creepy little whack job. I could totally see him on a face stab-happy plastic bag head bashing eye ripping/eating rampage similar to the one taking place here if Ernie ever wasn’t around to keep him in line.

I guess Bert, I mean Billy, got burned up or something. He ain’t dead though. His yellow skin must be super resilient. Like a crocodiles scales or something, Or maybe it’s his evil leprechaun black magic. Wait, so he is a leprechaun afterall? Shit!

I wonder what’s up with Agnes’ eye fetish. Or her plastic bag fetish. Or her face stabbing fetish. Or her, “put a plastic bag over someone’s head and stab them in the eyes” fetish.

I’m actually a little confused. How many people has Billy actually even killed in this movie?

Agnes got electropaddled to death! With electropaddles…of death!

It’s like the movie is reading my mind to find out what will piss me off the most, and then does it.

Billy the Eye Feasting Nacho-Cheese Leprechaun is going nuts with this scalpel

I like how this guy sees a crazy overall-wearing yellow skinned scalpel-mad nutfucker is trying to kill this chick, but he doesn’t try to help. It’s like he finds her as annoying as I do.

She Judo tossed that yellow bastard’s ass right onto the pointy end of a Christmas tree! Damn straight!

That movie fucking sucked! I mean, it fucking sucked a lot. Almost more than I thought it was possible for a movie to suck.

I wonder if Mythbusters is on.

Burial Ground: Real Time Review

Burial Ground: Real Time Review

Premise: Zombies, and shit like that.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0081248/

This dude’s the only one who knows the secret! Holy shit!

And it’s incredible! INCREDIBLE!

And it’s True, too! AAAGGHHH!!!

Oh, shit! It’s a zombie! I bet this guy with a beard is really scared of these zombies. He sure looks scared, but they are zombies, who can blame him?

Is that a midget clone of Dario Argento? Jesus Christ that thing freaks me out. I seriously almost tipped my chair backwards when I saw that. I was all like “WHA!”, which is how I express shock, like “what” minus the T and really loud.

Oh, fuck, there it is again! It was watching it’s mother having sex, this fucking thing gets creepier and creepier.

The zombies are back. Zombies wearing robes. Cooooooolll.

Basically this thing looks like a midget version of an adult Dario Argento interbred with a 13 year old Frankie Muniz with eyes the size dinner plates and a voice that sounds as if a 40 year old man was being forced, at gunpoint, to imitate a 7 year old girl who was being forced, at knife point, to imitate a creepy looking midget that’s being forced, by threat of pummeling, to imitate a person.

Light bulbs explode with unknown fury! Zombies that look as though they’re wearing painted burlap sacks wander around in bright green robes!

These people sure do like making out.

So that’s why their grass is so green.

Lawn zombie wants a piece of that action. Ohhhh yeah…

“It’s a walking corpse!” actually it’s a crawling corpse, stupid.

I think it’s supposed to be a little kid…I need to vomit.

Man: Who are you?!
Zombie: Zombie!
Man: What are you here for?!
Zombie: Zombie!
Man: Stay back or I’ll shoot!
Zombie: Zombie…?

Toss ‘em the kid and run! You can have a new one!

As a horde of zombies move in on a couple
Woman: “They’re coming toward us!”
Man: Fuuuck Yoouu!

This zombie’s face seems to be frozen in a constant expression of shock, or at least the half that’s still there is.

A door flies open to reveal…

Holy shit, did that zombie throw a knife through that chicks hand? It did! It totally fucking did! That’s what I love about these 80’s euro zombie movies, the zombie’s are so skilled in so many areas: sprinting, acrobatics, swimming, knife throwing, street fighting. They’re also able to put various farming and landscaping tools to many interesting uses.

Now they slowly cut her head off with a scythe. Nice

“They can only be killed by blowing their heads off! (pumps shotgun and proceeds to blow zombie’s head off)” complete with sparks and flying brainmatter! What exactly is causing the sparks anyway?

Haha, this guy ain’t fucking around. He’s just standing on a balcony shooting zombie after zombie in the face.

The zombies are walking around and some chick is poking them with a big stick. That’s cool.

Yep, zombies are a real pain in the ass. Maybe you should run away or something instead of standing around like you’ve been doing. Stupid assholes.

This one chick is moaning every second she’s on screen. Moaning very sexily…I’m gonna go…brush my teeth real quick, Probably floss too.

Oh my Christ! What a little freak! He just tried to finger his mom! The when she slapped him and starting crying in his disgusting forty-year-old-man-imitating-little-girl-imitating-midget-imitating-person-ect voice and ran off like a woman. Not only is he weirdo who wants to do his mom but he’s a crybaby, too.

Freak boy is dead. His mom is sad. How could you actually be upset that that thing is dead?

Oh, zombies bleed milk apparently. Who knew?

Any way you cut it, Italian zombies are just way more resourceful than American zombies.

“why?!”
Why NOT?

The Professor tackled his butler and starting eating him. Eating him like bag of potato chips! That didn’t make a whole lot of sense. Sorry, I’ll try harder from now on.

Man 1: “That’s Professor Ayres!”

Man 2: “He’s a zombie, too, then!”

Professor Ayres: Zombie?!

Now they’re in a monastery filled with monks…ZOMBIE MONKS! 6 times more bloodthirsty and savage than 12% of most ordinary monks!

James enters a room filled with monks with bowed heads. “Forgive me for disturbing your meditation” says James. A monk looks up to reveal… he is a zombie!!!! “I won’t!” Screams zombie monk. Zombie monk tackles James and bites out his trachea! “No! I need that to live!” Yells James, somehow.

Are these the kinds of monks that know Kung Fu? Because that would really suck for these people. The zombie already know how to throw knives, use gardening implements as weapons and they were smart enough to find a huge log and use it to batter a door down, Kung Fu would just be too much.

Punch it! Punch it! KICK IT!!!! KICK IT WITH YOUR FEET! DO IT! DO IT NOW!!!!!!

Oh, god, now that sick little monkey’s a zombie, too.

I like how these two people warn the kid’s mom that he’s zombie once then just stand there, watching expectantly.

That’s why it’s a bad idea to breast feed zombies, they always end up getting over zealous.

Well they put up a good chase, but in the end, always bet on black!…zombies. Always bet on zombies. Zombies always win is what I’m trying to say. I so fucked that up. My bad.

Oh! It revealed a zombie.

Ice Spiders: Real Time Review

Ice Spiders: Real Time Review

Premise: Patrick Muldoon must outfight, out-think and out-ski a group of escaped Ice Spiders that are threatening the livelihood of an entire resort community.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0840304/

Ah, the Sci-Fi channel original. Future generations will look back upon it with the same reverence as we now do Hammer or Universal classics. The Sci-Fi Original will one day garner the recognition it so rightly deserves. Someday, Sci-Fi Channel original, someday.

“What’s that?” It’s an Ice Spider, jackass. Wow, doesn’t even know what movie he’s in.

The spider’s name must be Bob, too.

You just got Ice Spidered, fuck hole!

Ski Instructor: “No cell phone, no internet, no cable TV, just powder.”

A team of Skiers are going up to a mountain resort to…snort coke apparently. I do not envy the staff of this resort. Nothing worse that a coke head on skis. Like skiers aren’t bad enough already.

Ski Instructor: “It’s like a slice of pizza”

Ski lady: “Pepperoni or sausage?”

What a slut!

Hey, cool, it’s Patrick Muldoon! Yeah! Patrick Muldoon!

I never watched Melrose Place, I swear to Christ.

“They’re checking in the Olympic dudes”

“The Olympic dudes?”

Yes, the Olympic dudes. Dudes of the Olympics. Olympian dudes that are Olympic in their dudness ect, ect.

Dash Dashiell? Are you fucking serious? No, I mean, are you fucking serious? Honestly, there’s no way that anyone could ever possibly ever come up with that name without cutting all of their toes off immediately afterwards out of shame.

I’ve come the to official conclusion that I want to stab Patrick Muldoon in the throat with a felt pen. Might take some doing to get it stuck in there but I’m game.

“Looks like the rangers got a problem,” I’ll say! Fucking skiers all over the damn place. Oh, and Ice Spiders, too.

“It’s on Grizzly flats, not like we’re gonna have to do any mountain climbing.” Flat = no mountains, get it?

“Sometimes nature strikes back” Yeah, with lime green CGI spiders that weave Halloween decorations in the trees and nourish themselves with the coke fueled blood of skiers.

Mutilated corpses! Blood everywhere! Severed limbs! Humans woven into web cocoons! All the classic tell tale signs of a Yeti attack! Fuckers must of swooped in and killed everyone before anyone knew what hit them.

Yeah, it was just a short circuit. A short circuit caused by the ice…the ice SPIDERS, that is!

Oh, god, no! He’s not in Yeti country is he?!

Wow, he really takes technicians being eaten by Ice Spiders personally.

Forest Ranger Rick and former world class skier Dash Dashiell, together for the first time… and…maybe the last…

Ranger Rick: “What are they?”

Patrick Muldoon: “Cocoons. Really big cocoons”

Oh? Really? Well I think they’re really SMALL cocoons! What now?!

Ranger Rick! NO! It’s eating his face off?! His beautiful face! Why Ranger Rick?! WHY?!

Run Patrick Muldoon! Run! Why doesn’t he have his skis goddamnit?! If he dies, too I don’t know what I might do.

Ok, ok! I watched a few times but I was really young and my mom made me, back when it was on before Alley McBeal.

Why is this guy only wearing a vest? That just seems impractical for a snowy climate, not to mention one inhabited by Man sized fluorescent spiders.

“Run! They’re killing everyone!” I believe you mean to say that they’re Ice Spidering everyone. Yes, I’m quite positive that that is the correct terminology.

That mother fucker just got Ice Spidered! Ice Spidered to fuck! Yeah! Now THAT guy got Ice Spidered! Even worse than the first guy! People are getting Ice Spidered left and right! Oh shit! That guy just got the shit Ice Spidered out of him! Now this bitch is getting Ice Spidered, too! This is so damn cool! Go Ice Spiders! Ice Spider those mother fuckers!!!

Aw shit! Now that Ice Spider just got Ski Poled!

“I wonder if Dash made it?”

He’s Dash. He always makes it.

“What are they?”

“Giant spiders, what do they look like?”

Like your face! That’s right, I said that shit! What?!

That was easily the most brutal display of Ice Spidering I’ve ever seen. Three people got Ice Spidered in the span of about 5 seconds. That Ice Spider is one efficient Ice Spidering machine I’ll tell ya that much.

Snowboarder: “The phones dead, This is totally not cool!”

What? The fact that you’re stranded at a mountain resort with skittle colored genetically enhanced giant snow spiders that have just slaughtered a dozen or so people or were you referring to the actual temperature of the telephone receiver?

Ice Spiders- a sh!tload: Skiers-0

All the rangers are out sick? Sick with…Ice Spider fever?! Or no?

Oh, he was in the marines for twelve years? Was that with the SSAF?

“If we wanna survive this, we have to Ice Spider those fucks before they can Ice Spider us! That’s the first thing they teach you in the marines.”

Growing Ginormic spiders for their silk, got too big, escaped, Ice Spidered a bunch of Skiers. Throw in some Patrick Muldoon and thrilling ski antics and that’s about the story so far.

Patrick Muldoon: “Well, our day just keeps getting better and better, doesn’t it?”

I think you keep getting better and better…at being a douche!

Ski girl: “He’s having a seizure! What do we do?”

Ski guy: “Stick something between his teeth!”

Ski Instructor: “No! What you gotta do is keep him from hitting his head, roll him on his side incase he vomits”

Me: “No! pull his ski cap over his face and punch him in the trachea! I saw it on Discovery Health!”

Axe wielding, ski-mad Patrick Muldoon VS bright green CG Ravenous Ice Spider

Patrick Muldoon just stabbed an Ice Spider to death with a pair of deer antlers, afterwards he turned to Vanessa Williams and uttered the line “Hey doc, nice rack.” Yeah, he said that. I swear to Christ. I may be me, but even I could never ever make that up. I’m just not that awesome.

Patrick Muldoon is gonna distract the spiders, or lead them to a trap. I’m not sure, wasn’t really paying attention.

It all comes down to this. A showdown between Ski Beast Patrick Muldoon and three ravenous rainbow spiders. Ski, Patrick Muldoon! Ski like no one has ever skied before!

It worked beautifully! The Ice Spiders are safely in captivity.

That’s right Muldoon! Don’t you take shit from the government Blow those filthy spiders away with that cannon you have for some reason!

An evil scientist destroyed by his very creation! The last of the Ice Spiders cut down in a hail of gunfire! A government cover-up! Patrick Muldoon! It’s all just too much!

He’s proven that even in the twilight of his career, he still has what it takes to out ski a bunch of giant spiders. Good for him.

Savage Planet: Real Time Review

Savage Planet: Real Time Review

Premise: Sean Patrick Flannery fights rampaging grizzly bears on an alien planet...IN SPACE!

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0790746/


Apparently this alien planet has better oxygen than earth. Probably because of all those trees. I'm no airologist or anything, but I think trees help with the, you know, oxygenization, or whatever.

Wow, you better watch where you're swinging that machete, something bad might - Oh! Shit…I told you.

What's with the dirty look? It's just your hand, it was an accident.

This machete crazed astronaut got a little overzealous in her personal battle against the vegetation that was attempting to impede her forward motion and accidentally cut her leader's hand off. He then fell into a pit where his stump came into contact with a green viscous fluid that resembles …a green viscous fluid, I guess, then it grew back, but now entirely made out of CGI! What wonders this new planet holds! Oh, but then he was eaten by a bear. A…SPACE BEAR!

He dared to invoke their wrath...

It looks like they ran out of money for the special effects budget and used silly putty in an attempt to simulate scar tissue.

Apparently in the future entire cities are computer generates and battery powered nerf guns are now our preferred armaments.

"I just hope we get to kick some ass, cause I wanna have some fun"
Oh, there'll be plenty of fun to be had. If you find being mauled by radioactive (presumably) space bears to be fun. Which most people wouldn't.

Exposition! Most works of fiction would make little sense without it. Guess what, I don't care! This movie is about Alien grizzly bears on another planet for fuck's sake.

"Sensors indicate nothing dangerous"
I guess the programmers for those sensors forgot to categorize giant bat-fuck crazy, blood hungry alien space bears under "dangerous".

"I would think that the biggest thing we're going to run into is probably rabbits.
Yeah, Rabbits the exact same size and biological make up of bears. So, not rabbits at all, really. Honestly, though, if I was going to an alien planet and was told we might encounter rabbits, I would not be encouraged . . .Alien fucking rabbits, man. Not cool.

Earth is running out of oxygen, alien planet has a shitload of oxygen to spare, experimental teleportation device, space bears, human drama ect,. Ect, It's all quite captivating.

The last member of their team comes through the teleporter and promptly starts suffering horrifically violent teleportation induced paroxysms and leaking obscene amounts of blood from all of his orifices, then he falls down, a twisted and mangled fragment of the human being he once was. During this violent episode, one of the team members chimes in with: "There's a blip in the teleporter device!" Understatement of the move award goes to: whoever the fuck just said that.

"Help me straighten him out!"
The man's become a human pretzel, straighten him out all you want, it's not going to make him any less dead.

"His torso structure is gone, it's gone!"
"What do you mean gone?"
"Just didn't make it through"
I guess the janitors working the teleportation-device room back on earth are going to have a fun surprise waiting for them.

They're stranded on planet Bear, they can't teleport back, and there are space bears trying to eat them to death.

"This place is pretty much paradise"
Holy SHIT! He did not just fucking say that! This is just too good to be true! Alright, give me a second here, let me savor it…

Ahem *Clears throat*

Paradise? More like . . .BEARADISE! AGGHHH YA YA YA YA YA!!!! YES!

"So how does an extinct bear come to get on this planet"
Thanks, Sean Patrick Flannery, I was just about to ask that.

"Somehow it's DNA sequence regressed"
That doesn't really answer the question. You see, no earth-bound species could be on an alien planet 20 million light-years away from earth that man has never come into contact with before. So…ok, then.

Space Bears Attack!

Space Bears Untack!

Human drama rears its ugly head once more. Greedy businessman with ulterior motives, budding romantic interests between two of the lead characters, conflicts within the group. Seriously, dude, get to the fucking Space Bears.

Watch your shit, lady! Space Bears are on the prowl!

Bitch, you ain't killin no Space Bear with no 9 millimeter. Hahaha! I mock your piteous attempts at self-preservation!

There's a seismic shift! The planets gonna fucking esplode, yo!
The whole planet! Seriously?! No fucking way!
Yeah, dude, the whole goddamn planet!
You've gotta be fucking kidding me!
I'm for seriously, man. The planets gonna fucking fulminate similarly to that dudes head in Scanners!
Holy shit, Scanners, I love that flick.
It's decent, but certainly not Cronenberg's best.
Yeah, but Michael Ironside was fucking creepy in it.
You ain't lyin!
Wait, Space Bears!
What, where!?

That bear might as well have just raped that dude. Seriously, that's how hard he just got owned by that bear. That bears claws might as well have been giant fury dicks with razor sharp talons attached to the tips. Man, I just creeped myself out.

These bears are weak. They just stand there making scary faces, letting themselves get shot. Way to disgrace the title of "space bear" you space bears in name only bears.

Ok, what's happening? Planets exploding, abundant space bears, traitorous corporate fat-cat. Am I missing anything? Probably, but I don't care.

There're fish? Alien fish? Aww shit, things just keep getting worse and worse.

Now the planets exploding more! DAMN!

Redundancy: Telling someone not to look down after twice telling them to look up. If I were there I would look down just out of spite.

Wow, they just pretty blatantly allowed that Space Bear to drag off their teammate into the forest and eat her. Apparently it was "too late" even though it had only bitten her leg and she was still alive and presumably only about 9 feet away.

"They're bears, damnit!"
Not JUST bears. Apparently they're mutated, super smart, prehistoric space bears. Get your facts straight, douche.

Ha! They ripped her in half and buried her alive! That's what I like to see from my Space Bears!

He's got a stick and a knife, what he needs to do is attach the knife to the stick, then climb a tree and just poke at the bears as they approach. I remember this one time I was cornered by a pack of Kodiak bears down in Juneau, I did the exact same thing and was able to hold them off until a group of back-packers came by, then I stabbed them in the ankles and made my escape while the bears were feasting upon their viscera. You gotta be resourceful like that living in Alaska.

Shoot that bear! Shoot it full of holes you bearicidal madman, you!

So, they're on the exploding planet, bursting at the seems with Space Bears, and now they're trying to teleport off somehow, but that corporate fat-cat stole the circuit board, I think. So they can't leave. And they were actually there in the first place to do something that they didn't think that they were there to do in the first place, so they're all pissed and stuff about that.

You goddamn fat-cat! I can't wait to see this guy get Space Bear'ed.

Yes! That fat-cat got Space Bear'ed all to fuck and it was everything I dreamt it would be!

Yeah, that's pretty much what it's like to get Space Bear'ed

That Space Bear just ripped off Sean Patrick Flannery's foot! Pretty incredible, seeing as Sean Patrick Flannery's skin and bones are at least 14 times stronger than a mortal man's

Yay! That green goo re-grew Sean Patrick Flannery's foot. Good for him! The green goo is the key to the survival of earth, they escaped bear-planet alive, and they're in love and rich and all kinds of happy shit. What a fantastic ending. I wonder if my porn's done downloading.